


Caresses

by peppermintquartz



Series: Bleachverse [3]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Aizen is a bastard, Concurrent with Contact, Concurrent with Touched, Dom/sub, Emotional Hurt, Hero Worship, Ichimaru is not Nice, Kira submits, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-11 18:17:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 43
Words: 118,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5637016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peppermintquartz/pseuds/peppermintquartz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kira understood too late what was expected of him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic starts from after Chapter 63 of Contact and Touched. The events interweave. 
> 
> Please forgive any errors! I'm basically transferring them from FFdotnet.

Kira followed Abarai and Hisagi, Hinamori lagging behind him. All the first-year trio could talk about was the appearance of the two Fifth Division leaders. Hinamori was practically sparkling with admiration: her idol had turned into her hero, so neither the redhead nor the blond resented how everything she said began with “Aizen-taichou”.

Hisagi was quiet – he was already posted to the Ninth as a seated officer, pending his graduation, and this was probably not the first time he had met Ichimaru-fukutaichou and Aizen-taichou. But there had been stunned amazement when he realized who had saved them, nevertheless, and Kira recalled how his sempai had been unusually docile while Ichimaru-fukutaichou bandaged the terrible wounds. And there was that little exchange the two had while Aizen-taichou spoke the three first year students.

“Hey, Kira,” said Abarai later that night, while they settled into their hospital beds. They had been assigned a room together at the Fourth Division “to check for shock”, but no one else was with them. Hisagi was warded somewhere else since his wounds were far deeper and, besides, his future captain wanted to hear the incident in its entirety. Kira sat on his bed, gingerly testing the firmness of the mattress. He was quite particular about his sleeping arrangements.

Abarai tugged on his ear, his red hair spilled over his broad shoulders. “Ya really think we can be like them? I mean, Aizen-taichou din't even go into shikai to purify those huge hollows.”

“Why would he need to?” asked Kira as he brushed his pale blond hair flat. “His reiatsu felt dense enough. I doubt I can even reach I-Ichimaru-fukutaichou's standard... I don't even dare to think how pathetic I was, screaming that I didn't want to die... I can't imagine him doing that.”

“Hey, fear is an acceptable reaction, 'kay? I a'most pissed myself, that's how scared I was. Yeah. Wonder when I can attain his level of reiatsu though,” mused Abarai as he settled into bed. “Musta bin tough, fighting from bottom to top...”

Kira tuned out his friend's rambling, long aware of Abarai's monologues disguised as conversation. He was just repeating the event, trying to dissect the key factor in their rescue that he could use to improve himself.

In the darkness behind his eyes Kira wasn't replaying the scene as much as he was focusing on that one figure in black. The one who had shot a blade through a monstrous hollow; the one who had called out a cheerful greeting; the one who had turned back to face them all with a little, mocking smile. His mind's eye locked on the one with silver hair and skin so pale it was practically white; the one with thin and elegant hands; the one who spoke with a cool and melodious voice; the one who smiled as he slew the hollows.

Kira buried his face into his pillow, suddenly too aware of his thumping heart. He knew he'd be dreaming of silver hair and apple-blossom-pale skin tonight.

 


	2. 2.

It wasn't long before his friends discovered Kira's little crush on Ichimaru-fukutaichou.

Perhaps it would have been helpful if he hadn't cut out the lietenant feature interview in Shinigami Monthly and pasted it in his diary. Or perhaps if he hadn't tried to linger a little too long at the Fifth Division offices when the class went out on a field trip – even though Hinamori had lingered as long as Kira had.

But it definitely would have helped if Abarai Renji hadn't told their friends that Kira had talked about Ichimaru-fukutaichou in his sleep. Kira had yet to forgive Abarai for this.

Speaking of said redhead, Abarai was striding over to him. “Hey, Izuru,” he began, then looked about them conspiratorially. The tall redhead bent to whisper, “Hisagi-sempai wants to invite us out for dinner as a thank-you for that night. Will you be free this coming Thursday?”

“Abarai, why are you whispering?” asked Kira.

“I told you, call me Renji. Nah, he said to keep it quiet or else we might find quite a bit o' hostility directed at us. You in or out? I gotta tell'im at the end of the day.”

“I'm in,” said Kira easily. “How about Hinamori?”

“Momo's in too.” Abarai smiled widely. “Awesome. He said he's gonna bring sake if we're game to drink it.”

Kira was a little apprehensive. “I've never drunk sake before, Aba – Renji.”

“Neither have I, but don't tell him that.” Renji winked hugely and jogged off. “See ya in class later, Izuru!”

“See you later!” Kira called out. He couldn't stay angry at his good-natured friend for long; at least Renji didn't plaster the school with gossip, unlike some of the girls he knew. Checking his timetable he realized he had an hour's break before the common lecture for Introduction to Kidou Research.

 _What am I going to do till then?_ Before he could muse on the question he thought he had already fallen into a fevered daydream. _I must have stayed up too late last night. It can't be_ _ **him**_ _lounging there in the corner, watching students go by. It cannot be. This is a dream._

_But if it IS my daydream, he'd be naked already. So this is real._

Kira swallowed nervously, took a deep breath, and walked forward. _Please know who I am, please know who I am, please know who I am..._

“Good-” Kira coughed when the word was choked out on a far-too-high pitch. He tried again. “Good afternoon, Ichimaru-fukutaichou.”

“Hmm?” The soft smile and the pale face turned to Kira. The blond felt his heart give a lurch. Ichimaru-fukutaichou cocked his head at the blond. “I know you, don't I? From the other night, what, two, three weeks ago? Ki... something, uh... Kira Izuru, first year student in the top class. Am I right?”

Kira nodded frantically.

“How are you, Kira-san?”

 _He remembers me!_ Feeling more than a little elated, Kira beamed. “I'm f-fine. Um, call me Kira, p-please. Em...I never r-really... th-thanked you for sa-saving us that night.”

“It was our job. What, you would have us watch you die?” Ichimaru-fukutaichou smiled teasingly.

“N-no! I d-d-didn't mean-” the blond stuttered. _Way to go, Kira, you sound like a stammering idiot. That's how he'd remember you: stammering Kira. Stupid, stupid, stupid._

Laughing quietly, Ichimaru-fukutaichou stood. He was about half a head taller than Kira, who was no slouch himself. The silver-haired man ruffled Kira's short hair. “Don't think too much about it. You guys did fine, facing such enemies without turning tail.”

“Thank you, Ichimaru-fukutaichou, but I... I was terrified.”

Ichimaru-fukutaichou chuckled again. “Who wouldn't be?”

Despite the laugh Kira couldn't help noticing that the lieutenant looked gray beneath his eyes and there was an air of sadness about him. Kira wondered what was wrong. The lieutenant tilted his head. “Kira, are you free to accompany a lazy fukutaichou now?”

Kira pretended to consider. “Not really.”

“Ah well.” Ichimaru twisted his mouth to the side ruefully. “Another time then.”

“Not free for a lazy fukutaichou, s-sir, but definitely free for Ichimaru-fukutaichou,” Kira blurted daringly.

The silver-haired man grinned. “You got a smart mouth on ya, Kira. Hope you have a brain to match.” In an abrupt change of mood, Ichimaru-fukutaichou motioned down the corridor. “Ever been to the healer's greenhouses, Kira?”

“Not y-yet, Ichimaru-f-fukutaichou.” Kira scolded himself for stuttering again. He had gotten over this speech impediment and now it was resurfacing! Thankfully Ichimaru-fukutaichou didn't comment cruelly on it, unlike some of his neighbors' children.

“Call me Ichimaru, Kira. Fair's fair.” The lieutenant led the way to another building. As they entered the greenhouse Kira wondered why Ichimaru had brought him here. His brain took a decidedly lewd tack and he waved the thought away hurriedly.

“Too hot?” asked Ichimaru in concern.

Kira fought the blush on his cheeks. “No, sir. Just – humid. Humid.”

“Really.” The smirk on the lieutenant's face seemed to indicate that Ichimaru knew what Kira was actually thinking about. “Come here.”

_Is he going to – Wait. He's not – no. I heard he's involved already. Oh gods, what does he want me to go there for? Brain, shut up. Stop thinking that he's going to kiss me._

_No, Kira Izuru, STOP THINKING THAT NOW._

Obediently – and with more than a bit of trepidation – Kira walked quickly to Ichimaru. The lieutenant half-turned and pointed at a small potted plant. “Do you know what this is?”

“Uh, no sir.”

“Call me Ichimaru, I said.” Ichimaru leaned closer to the plant and stroked its leaves. “This is the basic ingredient for the sleeping draft the healers use for people with low reiatsu. When taken in its raw form, it can induce hallucinations.”

Kira could feel the heat from the lieutenant' body. He could also feel himself blushing furiously. _Damn my fair skin. He knows!_ To distract Ichimaru he pointed at a random plant to the right. “What is that?”

“That?” Ichimaru looked at it. “That's the antidote to this one. However, too much of that would lead to fevers and rashes. It's a stimulant. In fact, I believe there are a number of healers who use this plant to concoct aphrodisiacs. They're very popular, as far as I've heard.”

With that mention Kira caught Ichimaru's amused grin at his blushing face and Kira scolded himself again. Ichimaru's was almost touching Kira's back now; Kira fancied he could hear the air buzzing. The lieutenant was too close; Kira could feel his fine hairs moving with each breath Ichimaru exhaled. He felt dizzy now, rather shaky on his feet.

_So close. Just like in my dreams. Any second now he'll tilt my chin back and... No, that was in my dreams. Not here. Not in reality._

What Kira would always remember about that moment was the heavy, humid heat and Ichimaru's cool breath on the side of his face. He would remember the almost-contact between himself and the lieutenant, and how inviting the thin lips appeared so near to his own...

“Damn,” swore Ichimaru, drawing away as a black butterfly fluttered down to the two of them. He bit on the inside of his cheek and strode briskly to the side where the hell butterfly conveyed its message. Kira took in a shaky breath. He almost crossed the line. He admired the lieutenant and he knew, he _knew_ Ichimaru and Aizen-taichou were together. Scuttlebutt had been very clear on that point. Kira exhaled again, wondering how he could excuse himself to ease the tension racking his body.

“No, I'm not going back to work until you apologize.” In the silence Kira could hear the hissed murmur Ichimaru made to the hell butterfly. “In person, by the way. What?... Fine. Fine, I'll be there. But I'm still angry. No, I don't want to talk to you.”

The butterfly landed on Ichimaru, who brushed it off and chased it away. Then he ran a thin hand through his silver-fine hair. When he finally turned back to Kira, Ichimaru had a strained smile on his face.

“Sorry you had to hear that,” he said. “It's been a difficult day.”

Kira sidled closer. He was begging for trouble, he realized, and suddenly he didn't care. “Can I help?”

“You're already helping by being here,” Ichimaru said and ruffled Kira's hair again. “I like your hair color. Winter sunlight.”

Kira wondered how red his face was.

Ichimaru laughed mischievously. “Hair like the winter sun, face like the setting sun. Pretty Kira.” The lieutenant brushed Kira's reddened cheek and sighed. “Sadly, I have to go. Business matters.”

“S-sure, Ichimaru-fukutaichou.”

“Ichimaru,” corrected Ichimaru with a real smile. “So, I'll see you around, Kira. Bye.”

“B-Bye!”

Kira didn't know how he managed to exit the greenhouse, walk through the myriad corridors to his classroom, find his seat, and last through the rest of the day. He didn't even hear Renji's teasing when Kira walked into the doors – twice.

_Call me Ichimaru._

_I'll see you around._

_I like your hair color._

_Pretty Kira._

Kira hugged his books tightly, pretty certain he was floating off the ground.

“...Kira? Earth to Kira?” A tenor voice cut into the fog that was Kira's mind.

“Eh?”

It was Hisagi Shuuhei. “Hey. You looked rather lost in thought.”

“Ah?”

“Mm. Vowel sounds. You must have met someone very special. Anyway, Renji told you about the gathering?”

“Uh-huh.”

“See you there then.”

“Ya-huh.”

After Hisagi left, Kira returned to his cloud, not noticing the faintly worried frown on his senior's face.

_Call me Ichimaru._

_I'll see you around._

_I like your hair color._

_Pretty Kira._

 


	3. 3.

Kira wondered exactly why he'd agreed to come to the “thank-you” party.

Oh, it wasn't that he disliked Hisagi-sempai. On the contrary, he liked the dark-haired man very much. The addition of three long scars added to his fierce beauty, not detract from it. Even now Kira still felt the twinge of terror of that night, three months ago, when huge hollows came out of nowhere to attack them. He wanted to ask why Hisagi kept the scars, but didn't quite dare such intimacy in his queries.

But Kira still didn't understand why he came to this gathering.

The “thank-you” party was in a dark little room on outer Seireitei, and it was limited to Hinamori, Kira and Hisagi at the moment. Renji had asked if he could bring a friend, “to keep Hinamori company since we're all guys”, and Hisagi had readily agreed.

The three of them tried to make conversation, but it was kind of awkward. For one thing, Hisagi was an upperclassman who had been handpicked to go to the Ninth Division. Kira, Hinamori and Abarai were only first year freshmen, the lowest rung of the academy's ranking ladder. For another thing, Kira was a little intimidated by Hisagi. He couldn't help it; Hisagi was a quiet, poised person in the way a wolf was quiet and poised. It was as if he was holding himself back until the one moment when it was necessary to spring for the jugular. Even the scent Hisagi had held a tint of the wild, a blend of musk and of mountain snow.

Hinamori was probably as scared of the senior as Kira was. The blond found the girl engagingly vivacious, and they were on good terms, but their rapport was just that little bit off. Kira hadn't noticed it until recently, when they both loitered around the fifth division on their visit to the various division offices. Perhaps it was because Hinamori worshiped Aizen-taichou and Kira Ichimaru-fukutaichou that led to their slight friction. Whatever the cause, Kira told himself to accept the girl for who she was and not who she looked up to.

The knock came on the door and all three relaxed visibly.

“Hello, Hisagi-sempai, Izuru, Momo, this is Rukia. Rukia, my friends,” Abarai Renji said by way of greeting. The others chorused greetings and somehow, with the redhead around, the conversation lightened up considerably.

Soon the quintet were laughing and joking about various teachers in different courses, and Hinamori was picking Hisagi's brain for tips in their current kido class. Their food was running out, though, and Kira wondered if he should take the last of the fried dumplings when someone took it from the plate with dainty fingers. It was Rukia, who tore the dumpling in half and shared it with Renji.

Kira studied Rukia. He had met her before, the first day of school, and hadn't formed as positive an impression of the girl as he had of Renji. She was too withdrawn, too melancholy, Kira decided, sipping his fruit juice. Unlike the others, she seemed to be locked in her own world.

“Kira, you want some?” asked Hisagi, holding up a bottle. The blond glanced at his companions. They were sharing a bottle. Hinamori was already bright-eyed and flush-faced, laughing a little too loudly at Renji's joke about a hedgehog. Rukia was smiling, holding her bowl with both hands.

Kira smiled at his senior. “Sure, I'd like some sake.”

Hisagi grinned easily as he poured a generous amount into the proffered bowl. “It's not really great stuff,” he apologized, tipping some sake for himself, “but it's the best I could get. What do you think?”

Kira tried it. It went down smoothly, with a bit of burn at the end. Surprisingly, Kira enjoyed it. Was that why Kyoraku-taichou had listed all the good bars in Seireitei during their visit to the eighth?

“I like it,” he said, when he saw that Hisagi-sempai was waiting for his answer.

The brunet smiled and raised his own bowl. “To my gallant rescuers.”

“They're not here,” said Kira automatically. _I wish they were. I wish_ _ **he**_ _was._

“Not them. _You._ And Renji, and Hinamori. You three came back, knowing you can't beat them. That took guts.”

Kira bit his upper lip. “I was so scared,” he confessed softly. “I thought I was going to die, I was so scared. I wanted to run – but my legs wouldn't obey me. That was the only reason why I stayed.”

The sake now tasted bitter. He half-expected Hisagi to sneer. Instead he felt a warm hand tilt his chin up, and he looked into dark irises. Hisagi's gaze was more admiring than before. In his nervousness, Kira downed the entire bowl. Hisagi filled it again.

“If you were as scared as that and you didn't leave,” said Hisagi intently, “then I salute you, Kira Izuru. There are few who can do as you did. Fear and real courage go hand-in-hand. I think you are a courageous person.”

Kira could feel the heat rising. He would turn red again.

“Why are you asking?” Renji's voice rose in irritation at something Hinamori said.

Kira looked over, if only to break the spell of Hisagi's words. “What was she asking?”

Renji was flushed deep red, and Rukia chuckled briefly. Hinamori beamed at Hisagi and Kira.

“I asked if he was interested in Rukia-san,” she announced.

“So, are you?” Rukia asked, leaning towards the redhead. Renji sputtered and choked out some words along the lines of 'no way' and 'bad taste', with a few synonyms of 'insane person' thrown in.

still sipping from his bowl, Kira laughed. “He is. He very is.”

“What happened to your grammar, Kira?” chuckled Hisagi.

Hinamori threw her hands up. “Yeah! Three cheers for Renji and Rukia!”

It was then that Kira realized the other three had been drinking a lot faster and a lot more than he or Hisagi had. Hinamori was irrevocably drunk, while Renji's face was almost the same tint as his hair. Rukia was giggling softly to herself.

“They're gonna be out of it for a while, I think,” said Hisagi. “Strange. This isn't supposed to be that strong.”

“That's because they've never drunk sake before,” said the blond. “This is their first time. It's my first time too.”

Hisagi raised his brows. “Ah. I see. You seem a little more sober than they are though.”

“I've not drunk much. Many. Much.” Kira shook his head. “Much.”

The rumble of amusement from Hisagi's throat irritated Kira. The blond put his bowl down and glared at his senior. Wagging a finger at Hisagi, Kira warned, “Don't laugh at me.”

“Alright, I won't,” Hisagi promised, catching the finger. He cocked his head and studied the blond freshman closely. “Y'know, I'd like to ask you out.”

Kira hiccuped. “Assa thank you? Renji and Momomo might like hat. That.”

“No, not all of you. Just you. If you don't mind.”

Kira's gaze cleared and he stared in disbelief at Hisagi. “M-me?”

“Yes, you. I'd like to get to know you better, if you'd allow me. Unless you're not interested...” Hisagi shrugged eloquently.

Flattered by the offer, Kira mulled over the possibilities. What could happen with one dinner anyway? But there was something that was not quite alright with the picture... “I shouldn't.”

“Why not?” Hisagi moved so they sat closer. Renji was being mercilessly teased by two other girls, and they were loud enough to drown out the conversation.

Kira took a deep breath. “I... I kind of like someone else. Not like, more like admire. Obsess. Idolize. You know.”

Hisagi's brow creased. “Oh.”

“HEY!” Both Hisagi and Kira fell back as Hinamori inserted herself into the conversation. Renji was resisting Rukia's attempted to braid his hair. Hinamori smiled brightly at the blond and the upperclassman. “What are you two talking about, hmm?”

“Nothing,” said Hisagi.

Hinamori waggled a finger. “Nope. You were looking way tooooo serious. You must be... coming on to KIRA IZURU! WOOT!”

“Really?” Renji interjected, now resigned to Rukia's womanhandling. “But is Kira interested in men? I thought he was too jumpy abou' bein' inna same group as ya, Momo.”

“Awww...” said Hinamori, a hand to her chest. “My admirer.”

Kira giggled. “Sorry, Hinamori. I've never liked girls. Nope. Nada.”

“Never?” asked Hisagi, now cross-legged.

“Never,” admitted Kira resolutely. “I've never even thought about girls in that way at all.”

“What way?” teased Renji.

Rukia swatted the back of his head. “Don't ask, idiot!”

“What way?” asked Hinamori, an evil gleam in her eye.

Kira giggled again. He must be tipsy, he decided, he never giggled. “You know. _That_ way. The whole... sexy – sexual way. Not that you're not attractive,” he clarified hastily, “but I think... I think Ichimaru-fukutaichou's waaaay hotter. I mean, look at his _smile..._ Mmm-delicious.”

“Ichimaru-fukutaichou, huh,” said Hisagi quietly. He got up and dug out some more food and sake, secreted in a large box. “More food for those who want it!”

“ME!” Renji dived into the snacks, loosening his braid in the meantime. Kira smiled at the happy mess his friends were making. Then he looked up.

Hisagi was observing Kira.

The blond stilled, not sure if the senior was angry or affected. He wished fervently that Hisagi would stop looking at him like that; it was very... disturbing.

“Kira.”

“Yes?” squeaked the younger man. He shook himself. He was capable of handling this. Kira breathed deeply. “Yes, Hisagi-sempai?”

The dark-haired student nodded at Kira. “Come find me tomorrow.”

“What?”

“Find me tomorrow, outside Dojo Three, at two in the afternoon.” Hisagi licked his lips. “I need to talk to you in private. Please.”

“O-okay.” Kira tried to shut away the tension in his gut. It was just a talk. He could handle it.

He hoped.

xxxxx

Kira tried to ignore the disdainful stares and curious glances from the other students walking past Dojo Three. He knew he wasn't supposed to be there yet, him being a first-year, but he couldn't just not show up after Hisagi had asked so politely to meet with him.

Shortly after the school's clock chimed two, Hisagi Shuuhei emerged from the dojo. He was sweaty and flushed, his skin glowing from his exertions inside. There was a dark bruise on one forearm as Hisagi waved goodbye to his classmates, and Kira wanted to soothe the angry mark away.

“You came,” said Hisagi happily.

Kira smiled, rather tentatively. “Of course. What did you want to speak to me about, Hisagi-sempai?”

The dark-haired student rubbed the back of his head. “Well... you know what? It's empty inside. We'll talk within.”

The dojo, cleared of students, was echoingly quiet. Kira suddenly felt nervous. What did Hisagi wish to say that had to be so private?

The upperclassman sat down opposite Kira. His canted eyes darted to the window, then to the floor, before slowing rising to meet Kira's shy gaze. “Kira. I, um... invited you out for dinner last night.”

“... yes, you did.” Kira twiddled his thumbs.

The fact that Hisagi was as uncomfortable as Kira was was not lost on the blond. Hisagi inhaled deeply before blurting, “Would you reconsider? Just go out with me, once.”

“But I like-”

“I know. I understand your concern. I also know he is... he's not... Ichimaru-fukutaichou isn't someone you can understand, Kira,” said Hisagi haltingly. “He's a very... complex person. And I'm certain you know he is involved.”

Kira chewed reflectively on his lower lip. He had to admit that the idea of ever being with Ichimaru-fukutaichou was absurd – there wasn't anything about Kira for Ichimaru to like, not in that way, not when the lieutenant had Aizen-taichou.

Who was able to compete with the captain?

The lieu might have called him 'pretty Kira', but it was probably just nothing. It was all in Kira's overheated imagination. Finally he heaved out a breath.

“I get what you're trying to say, Hisagi-sempai. I can't help – I can't help admiring Ichimaru-fukutaichou. I'm sure you know why.”

The senior merely looked to the side. A dull flush crept up the man's face; Kira was curious again. There were so many things that were strange about Hisagi... and Kira wanted to find out more. He wanted to understand this man. Tentatively, Kira reached out for Hisagi's closed fist. His fingers did nothing more than brush across the knuckles, but Hisagi jerked as if he had been touched by fire.

Kira smiled. “I'd love to go to dinner with you, Hisagi-sempai.”

Hisagi grinned crookedly. Was that glimmer a signal of triumph? Kira couldn't tell. It was fine. He filed it away under things to discover about Hisagi. Much to his astonishment, Kira discovered that he was actually interested in finding out more.

“Thank you for accepting, Kira. Please, call me Shuuhei.”

“Only if you address me as Izuru.”

Hisagi breathed in and his grin grew wider. “Certainly, Izuru. I'll see you on tomorrow evening? I'll meet you at the North gate. Seven.”

“Seven at the North gate, gotcha,” said Kira, still apprehensive and yet anticipatory.

Hisagi helped Kira to his feet and both exited the dojo. Kira swallowed the butterflies threatening to burst out of his stomach, and waved his senior goodbye. Then he turned down the other way, hoping to meet with Hinamori to discuss their presentation for the next week.

He dashed down the walkway and turned the corner blindly. Kira grunted when he collided with a tall figure, and Kira sprawled to the ground.

“Easy there,” said the person he had knocked into. “Be careful.”

Kira looked up and almost fell through the floor. Instead of getting to his feet, Kira slipped down further. Aizen-taichou reached down and hauled Kira up. “Ai-aizen t-t-taichou!”

“That's me,” said the captain. He had a warm smile and the thick glasses couldn't obscure the honest and sincere gaze. “Are you alright?”

“Ye-y-y-ye-yes, sir.” Kira cursed himself again for reigniting the stutter.

Aizen-taichou didn't notice, merely patted Kira on the head. “Don't run round corners anymore, alright? It's not safe.”

“Y-yes, s-s-sir.”

“Off you go now,” said the captain, ushering Kira on his way.

The blond bowed low before speeding down the hallways. He was right to accept the invitation. Who could possibly be attracted to skinny little Kira Izuru when they had Aizen-taichou?

 


	4. 4.

“I think the green was better,” said Kira, tugging at the dark blue obi belt. Then he paused. “Or perhaps the pale orange?”

Hinamori laughed. “It's alright, Kira-kun, you look great in blue.” She turned to the lounging roommate for his agreement. “Don't you think so, Abarai-kun?”

“Hisagi-sempai won't give a damn what you wear, Kira,” said Abarai, distracted by the textbook in his lap. He gestured randomly at the yukata strewn all over the room. “Not that you're not making the effort.”

Hinamori huffed indignantly. “Of course he is! Hisagi'll compliment you for looking so handsome.”

Kira fiddled with his sleeves. Now that seven o'clock was approaching, he felt more nervous than ever. Whatever that had possessed him to agree to go on this date had fled, leaving a storm of butterflies in Kira's stomach.

Abarai grinned, glancing up from making notes in his text. “Yeah, but you know he's just thinking about what's inside the fancy wrapping, if you get my drift.”

“Abarai!” the brunette shrieked, scandalized and amused. “You're such a hound!”

“I speak the truth and you know it, Momo,” drawled Abarai as he turned the page. “And I'm pretty damn cer'n Kira's gonna be thinking the same 'bout Hisagi-sempai.”

“No I won't,” denied Kira hotly.

Abarai raised a tattooed eyebrow. “Let's see... you've been going 'Abarai, what do you think is gonna happen? Do you think he'll... you know? No, I guess he's more subtle, but he does have that tattoo on his face...' for the entire day, and this morning I know for a fact you were handling yourself to the strains of his name.”

“Handling hi- Abarai, you are gross,” complained Hinamori delicately as she worked out the meaning behind the redhead's words. “But seriously, Kira, I'm pretty sure he'll be a total gentleman, unlike some _lout_ who shall remain unnamed.”

“Hey,” it was Abarai's turn to protest, “I am a gentleman. Ask Rukia.”

“Oh god,” Kira muttered, his face a little pale. “It's six. I have to go.” _Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god._ _Breathe, Kira. It's only Hisagi Shuuhei. Who just happens to be the rising star of the academy and the handsomest out of the senior boys, and yes I've gotta keep breathing._

“You look awesome,” reassured Hinamori, before raising an expectant eyebrow at Abarai, who gave two enthusiastic thumbs up. Kira smiled nervously at them both, wishing he could seal his stomach away in some lost realm. And while it was there, perhaps he could seal his pounding heart there too. And perhaps he could also dig a hole and hide in there and die for a bit, because that was what he was feeling at the moment.

Just before he could step out, Abarai said in a mock-whisper, “Tell us what's under the wrapping later!”

xxxxx

Hisagi Shuuhei jogged up, looking apologetic. “Izuru! I'm late, aren't I? I'm so sorry,” he said, hand rubbing the back of his neck. His gaze turned to frank admiration. “You look great in blue.”

“Th-thanks. And you're not late; I'm early.” Kira could not help staring. Hisagi-sempai in light gray and black was absolutely stunning. “You look great too, Hisagi-sempai.”

“It's Shuuhei, remember?” Shuuhei grinned widely. “Come on, there's a new eatery nearby I want us to try.”

Kira tried not to look too nervous. He also tried to avoid looking at his sempai directly, because dirty thoughts ( _“Tell us what's under the wrapping later!”_ ) were forcing their way into Kira's mind. Not that there was much resistance Kira was putting up to those thoughts...

 _Thank you Abarai,_ Kira thought irritably. _That was certainly helpful!_

After fifteen minutes' walk they came to a crowded street. The upperclassman pushed aside a curtained entryway and mouth-watering scents washed over them both. “Watanabe-san! Table for two!”

“Alright!” The boss, who was built for the word 'jolly', waved them in with a large hand. Kira glanced around at the cheerful chatter, glad that it was crowded enough to envelop each table in its little bubble of privacy. If it had been less convivial, Kira might have just turned tail. As such, he began to feel a little more at ease.

Watanabe scurried over, large beaming smile ready. “Hisagi-san, what's your pleasure today?”

“The specialty ramen here is very good,” Shuuhei told Kira. “Or perhaps you'd like something else?”

“Ramen will be great,” answered Kira with a shy smile.

Watanabe jotted down their orders. “Hisagi-san, showing your kohei around? Pleased to meet you, I'm Watanabe Danno.”

“Hello, I'm Kira Izuru.” The blond nodded.

Hisagi jerked his head at the boss and the plump man chuckled. “Fine, fine, I'm going. Enjoy your meal, sirs!”

“He'll tease, but he won't talk,” said the brunet. “I annoyed all my friends today, trying to decide what to wear. They said you won't care about what I wore, because you'll outshine me anyway.”

“Me too,” laughed Kira. “Not the part about not caring, because I do, and you... look really good, and I certainly am not outshining you, but Abarai and Hinamori spent the entire afternoon helping me, I think I went through my wardrobe and I couldn't find what I should wear and then went through half of Abarai's, he got really annoyed before Hinamori came by and she had fun helping me choose, and... I'm... babbling.” _You just make things better and better, Kira. Maybe you should just sew your lips together and stop talking for the rest of your life._

“It's okay. I think it's cute.” The tone Shuuhei used was more appropriate for discussing the weather, and Kria couldn't help blushing ferociously. Then Shuuhei grinned and Kira knew the older student had complimented Kira on purpose.

You're very close to them,” said Shuuhei. The appetizers arrived and they began picking little mouthfuls. “Were you three good friends from before?”

“Not until that night, actually.” Kira gave a one-shouldered shrug. He still had nightmares now and then about the encounter. “Near-death experiences tend to do that, I heard. Brings people closer.”

He wasn't prepared for Shuuhei to lean in slightly and say, “Does that mean I am close to you too?”

“Um...” Kira fidgeted with his fingers, suddenly shy again. Shuuhei waited, the silence spinning out between them. The blond put aside his shyness and muttered, “You are, kinda, but you are an upperclassman and we're just freshman...”

Hisagi chewed on fried squid, and urged Kira to eat. “I was a freshman only a couple years ago. The good thing about the academy is that it lets you go at your own pace. If you're keen, you can graduate in three, four years.”

“You're trying to break the record, aren't you?” asked Kira, eyes innocently large. “Last I heard, the fastest to graduate was a captain named Hirako Shinji. Took him four years and three weeks.”

Shuuhei grinned lopsidedly. “I failed the first two exams, I dinna wanna wait to be a shinigami any longer.”

“Specialty ramen for two!” announced the waiter, neatly interrupting the conversation.

Kira sampled the dish and smiled up at his suddenly ravenous sempai. Shuuhei had fell to the task immediately, slurping up the noodles. Used to Abarai's mealtime habits, Kira wondered if that was the style of eating out in Rukongai – hearty and eager. He didn't dare to presume such closeness as to ask, though, and merely watched Hisagi Shuuhei out of the top of his eyes as he savored the noodles. He found himself enjoying the sight: the older student certainly had a hunger and zest for life that Kira himself didn't. Vaguely he wondered if that was a by-product of living rough, out in Rukongai where there was no certainty of the next meal or, he had heard, even the next breath. But Shuuhei and Abarai were happy and cheerful people, so perhaps the rumors of Rukongai were rumors after all. Kira couldn't imagine living in a state where hunger was a guaranteed companion, the way Abarai had described it.

The scars over Shuuhei's right eye had long since become pale, marked skin. They would never fade, because Shuuhei had refused treatment for the claw marks. Rumor was that Shuuhei felt guilty for what happened and kept the scars as a reminder. Kira didn't know if he could ask – it felt personal and private, and he didn't wish to pry.

“The ramen isn't good?” Shuuhei asked as he put down his bowl. Dear lords, he'd even drunk all the soup! In fact, if Kira was reading the hand signals correctly, Shuuhei was ordering a second helping. He could eat that much?! Where did he put it all? Or were all these helpings the source of his muscles?

“Izuru?”

“Hmm?” Kira blinked, ramen still twirled in his chopsticks. “Uh, I like the ramen. Ramen's good.”

Shuuhei nodded slowly, eyes twinkling with good humor. “That's... good to know. Although I was asking if you wanna walk along the river t'night. Later.”

“Oh! Erm, I'd like that. A lot.”

Kira flushed, having been caught daydreaming. The second bowl arrived and Shuuhei devoured the contents in one fell swoop. Kira couldn't help grinning at the satisfied sigh Shuuhei made. The brunet caught Kira's expression and suddenly rubbed his nose, embarrassed. “I got an enormous appetite; can't help it.”

“You didn't eat that much,” Kira pointed out honestly. Compared to Abarai, Shuuhei ate a normal meal. He finished the last of his ramen and popped the fishcake into his mouth for the grand finale.

“Actually I, uh... I ate before I came ta meet you,” mumbled Shuuhei, clearly red. “Dinna want to scare ya off with my bottomless pit for a stomach.” Then he emitted a short bark of self-deprecating laughter. “Guess that plan failed.”

Kira put down his chopsticks and cleaned his mouth. “No it didn't. Because I'm not scared at all.”

“No?”

“Nope.” The blond looked straight into Shuuhei's eyes. “I think it's cute, the way you eat. I think you're cute too.”

Going by the sudden blush across Shuuhei's cheeks, Kira knew it had been the right thing to say. _Score! Hah, Kira's not the only one who blushes._

Shuuhei's mouth twitched. “Who are you and what have you done with Kira Izuru?”

Batting his lashes, Kira smiled angelically, before resuming his tea. It could be fun, if Kira would try to remember that Shuuhei was as nervous as he himself was. That fact was a slippery memory; Kira inhaled slowly. _Just keep up with the teases and jokes. Or else, once you think, you're gonna fall face first into a puddle or something. Or babble again. Or stutter. Not a good thing. Ergo, teasing. Joking. I can do this._

_I hope I can._

xxxxx

“...Izuru?” Shuuhei frowned, puzzled, stopping in the middle of whatever tale he was regaling Kira with after Kira had shared about his first meeting with Abarai and Rukia. “What's the matter?”

 _Shit, caught dreaming again._ “I was wondering about your tattoo,” blustered Kira. He caught the slow lifting of brows and the sly smirk, and groaned inwardly. “Not in that way!”

“In what way?” Shuuhei was good at playing naïve too. “I'm sure an innocent like Kira Izuru wouldn't be thinking of anything... lurid.”

Kiras hands tried to formulate a response but in the end he just buried his face in them. It was no good. He might as well just wave a white flag and tell the world he had no idea what the hell he was doing or saying or thinking. That was probably the best thing to do now _oh my go I feel his foot sliding next to mine and his hand is reaching across the table I can feel it and I KNOW I'm gonna squeak when I open my mouth and he's leaning close again oh my god oh my GOD I can smell him-_ “No!”

“Okay then,” said the brunet easily. “I'll pay.” He called for the bill and took out a cash pouch, withdrawing his hands and feet. “I was gonna ask if you want some dessert before we leave.”

_Score: Kira one, Shuuhei,two thousand and seventy-five – three for what he said earlier and the rest for the way he looks and the way he looks at ME. The way he's been looking at me for the past hour._

“It's my treat the next time,” Kira said, somewhat boldly as the two exited the small eatery.

Shuuhei looked at his junior. “So there will be a next time? That's good to know. I was afraid you'd never wanna speak to me again after this.”

Kira pressed his lips together, holding back a wide, happy smile. Despite his earlier apprehensions, Kria found Shuuhei's company very comfortable and relaxing. The older student had many interesting tales to tell, although there were some things Shuuhei abbreviated or skimmed over, as if unwilling to reveal the truth.

_It is our first date, Kira Izuru, did you really think he was going to reveal everything?_

_Well, no, but then again he was pretty open about the rest of his life..._

_You could always find a way to get him to reveal everything. E-ve-ry-thing._

_What do you-no, not in THAT way. Pervert._

_You're the pervert. I just live in your head._

_I hope my zanpakuto won't be YOU. Whatever you are._

_I'm part of you. Get over it._

“I know that look,” said Shuuhei, elegant eyes narrowed. “You're drifting into some inner conversation again.”

“Eh?” Kira shrank back slightly. Shuuhei did look rather imposing, especially since they were in an alley headed towards the river, and it was dark, and _oh my god I'm babbling again._

The upperclassman pushed Kira against a wall. “Am I that uninteresting that you keep dreaming about something else?”

“N-n-no, I'm sorry, I j-j-j-just, I mean, I was thinking ab-b-bout you and I'm sorry I didn't mean to-” Kira's breaths were becoming rather short and erratic. He could barely keep from sliding to the ground, his knees were shaking that much, because Hisagi Shuuhei now filled his field of vision. The brunet leaned in, and the blond bit his tongue before a whimper could escape. “I'm sorry, I'll try n-not, I mean I won't just try, I'll s-stop daydreaming-”

“Still.” Shuuhei placed a finger on the blond's mouth. “You're gonna be punished. I don't like being ignored by someone I like.”

“Someone you like?” Wait, that wasn't the main point. “Punished?”

Kira's brows jerked upwards and his eyes widened. Shuuhei had pressed his lips on Kira's mouth, and now the younger man whimpered. Shuuhei didn't force a deeper kiss or anything, merely left a pressure on Kira's soft lips, and the blond closed his eyes before angling his head slightly and parting his lips as an invitation.

He had kissed before of course, but somehow now it was different.

It was... better. No. There was no comparison. How do you compare a pebble with the universe?

Kira's mind shut down.

There was no alley, no river, no Seireitei, no Soul Society. There was Shuuhei, who was now slowly, tentatively sliding his tongue into Kira's mouth; there was Kira himself, whose hands now fisted loosely in Shuuhei's robe and was tugging the older student closer; there was the thundering of Kira's blood through his veins; there was the hitching of Kira's heart as Shuuhei finally displayed a little of the hunger he possessed in spades, as Shuuhei drank Kira in as if the blond was the elixir of life.

When they separated Kira blinked, as reality reasserted itself. “That... was a punishment?”

Shuuhei smirked wickedly. As he led Kira out the other end of the alley, he dragged the younger student close enough to whisper into his ear, “Now imagine what it'll be like when I give you a reward.”

 _Holy crap._ Kira blinked again, not really heeding the lovely sight of the river bathed in moonlight. It could be on _fire_ for all he cared. Right now, all that he could take in was the strength of Shuuhei's grip and the warmth of Shuuhei's skin. Even when Shuuhei hesitated for a moment before leading Kira on a downriver stroll, Kira hadn't noticed anything more than the firmness of Shuuhei's arm which he had bumped into. _Holy crap._

 


	5. 5.

They stood in rows of threes, the first, second and third classes assembled in one large bunch altogether. Kira waited patiently, running the chants over silently in his mind. This was the final practice before their practical exam, and he intended to do well. If he was really honest with himself, he wanted to do better than Hinamori, who was the acknowledged kido master in their circle of friends.

_So very shallow._

Kira leaned over and glanced at Renji – he was still trying to get used to calling people by their names, it just sounded too familiar, but he was sharing a room with the redhead and that makes Renji only the second person he called by name anyway – Renji was shifting from side to side.

The blond understood Renji's nervousness. Renji wasn't good at fine control, not when it came to kido. When it came to zanjutsu, the redheaded student was a natural at judging distances, arcs, angles of attack; when it came to kido, he was about as accurate as a drunk puppy throwing a weasel.

Kira bit on his lower lip to stifle his laughter. Renji had a bad influence on his decorum, the blond decided. On his own he would never come up with such an analogy. He peered around and saw the unmistakable dark spiky hair somewhere along the safety wall. Kira smiled to himself, pleased that Shuuhei made the effort to drop by since it was the brunet's only free period that day.

It was Renji's turn. Kira held his breath, crossed his fingers, and hoped that his friend would remember to visualize before firing – _Whoomph._

Kira bit his lower lip again, chagrined and amused. Renji had lost control of his fire kido and it had backfired rather spectacularly, dusting the redhead and his neighbors with a layer of ash. The kido teacher sighed audibly and Kira resigned himself to more after-school tutoring. Renji huffed out, visibly deflating, and slouched off. The blond sent an encouraging smile Renji's way, but the redhead was too dejected to see it.

Turning around to face the front again, Kira noticed Shuuhei had moved to the second level viewing platform. The brunet waved at Kira and winked. People around Kira twittered. Most of them knew that Shuuhei was on friendly terms with Renji, Kira and Hinamori. None knew of their first date, except for Shuuhei's friends and they didn't blab. Kira waved back shyly after seeing Hinamori return an enthusiastic one. Shuuhei's grin widened.

It was Hinamori's turn next. Kira's smile faded. He had to see what she could do ( _and better it_ ). Hinamori aimed, chanted under her breath, and fired, drawing an arc that was almost perfect, charring the target only a few inches to the left.

Kira ran the chants through his mind again, knowing that he knew, but not daring to slip up. The row before Kira was taking their places, and Kira took a steadying breath.

_I can do this. I'm good at this._

_In fact, I'm the best._

He got up ( _steady, steady_ ) and walked to his allocated place. Before the kido teacher told them to get ready, Kira looked up for Shuuhei's support.

_OH MY GOD._

Ichimaru was there, leaning on the railing and grinning at Kira. The blond's heart raced and he smiled up at the lieutenant.

_Don't screw this up, Kira._

“Get ready,” commanded the teacher. The blond focused on his target. The teacher stepped back when all the students had their hands in the firing position. “Fire when ready.”

Kira's blue eyes narrowed. The chant ran itself through in his mind, and then he finished up, “Shakkahou!”

With a thrill he watched the ball of red flame smash into the center of the target, not a half-inch deviation to the left or right. Pleased, Kira glanced up, and beamed at Ichimaru before looking for Shuuhei.

“Hey, Kira, it's our turn. Step back,” said his classmate, and with an apology Kira went to join Renji and Hinamori. As he leaned on the wall to watch the other two classes go through the paces, Kira wondered if he could go to the viewing gallery to speak with Shuuhei ( _Ichimaru_ ). He looked up, only to see Ichimaru and Shuuhei talking. Shuuhei was stiff, while Ichimaru had an odd triumph in his smile. Then Shuuhei disappeared from view.

Kira wondered what that was about.

“Hey, Izuru,” said Renji in a too-okay voice. “Great show.”

“Yeah!” chirped Hinamori, though Kira could see that her approval was forced.

Instead of continuing with the congratulatory note, Kira asked, “Renji, do you still want to help me with my zanjutsu practice?”

“Sure, no problem,” said Renji. Then he half-smiled and said, “You'll have to pay me back with kido training though.”

Kira grinned and shook hands with his friend. “It's a deal.”

xxxxx

xxxxx

“Shuuhei's stressed out,” said Kira as he washed up the plates. Renji was sprawled in an ungainly manner across their narrow floor, notes scattered about them. “We haven't met up since our exams began.”

The redhead paused in his reading. “Can't blame him – he has, what, a dozen modules?”

“Nine, actually. And his finals start the day after tomorrow.” Kira emerged from the kitchen and folded himself into his favorite space, his notes stacked in their respective boxes.

“You should visit him, you know,” remarked Renji. He underlined another phrase written in his tiny, precise handwriting, and copied it out in his revision notebook. “You've already prepared enough for our final Soul Society Basic Law and Regulations paper anyway, and that's the same day as his first, isn't it?”

Kira hummed. “True...”

“In fact,” Renji said, flipping over and staring up into Kira's face, “make him some snacks. Pamper him, man, he's always bringin' special things fer ya.”

Kira flushed. “Yeah...”

Renji raised an eyebrow. There was another notch tattooed since he passed his kido practical. “Kira...?”

“Alright, I'll make onigiri now and bring it over immediately,” Kira said. Then he faltered. “But... alone?”

The redhead snorted. “Everyone's cooped up studying, no one's gonna see. And even if they do, it ain't their business, is it? Go on, surprise him.”

Kira nodded and stood up. “Y'know, you'll make a great boyfriend,” said the blond.

“Yeah, I know,” Renji chuckled. “Don't worry, Izuru, I don't swing Shuuhei's way. Girls for me, man.”

Kira laughed and nudged his friend in the waist. “Well, if you ever decide to change lanes, gimme a note, so I can keep my guy away from ya.”

xxxxx

Now that he was standing in front of Shuuhei's door, Kira wondered if he was being too bold. With a deep breath, Kira knocked timorously.

The door opened and Kira was taken aback by the grouchiness in Shuuhei's face. But when the upperclassman saw that it was Kira, he relaxed into a grin. “Hey. Didn't expect to see you.”

“Um...” Kira smiled and thrust the covered bowl at him. “I, uh, brought you some supper.”

“That's nice,” said Shuuhei and opened the door wider. “Come on in.”

“Uh... o-okay.”

It was Kira's first time in Shuuhei's room. _Would this constitute a fourth date? I mean, each time we go out we eat, and walk, and talk, and... well. And now I've brought food, and we probably would talk a bit, but wouldn't walk since he's studying, and does that mean we won't be..._ “Nice place you have.”

“Thanks. Used to share it with Aoga, but after he died, they never bothered assigning a new roommate to me.”

Kira examined the room carefully, putting the bowl on the sole clear patch on the table. Shuuhei came up behind him and rested his chin on Kira's shoulder. “Thank you, Izuru.”

The warm puffs of air dusting by Kira's ear made him nervous, and that was why the bowl shook and almost fell to the ground. Large hands slipped from his waist to hold Kira's hands steady, and Kira blushed to hear the low chuckle.

“Shuuhei...” Kira tried to summon some indignation into his tone.

“Izuru...” mimicked Shuuhei. Then he removed the cover of the bowl, and kissed Kira on the ear. “Onigiri for me?”

“Mm-hmm.”

Shuuhei took one piece out and swallowed it in three bites. His other arm kept Kira pinned between himself and the table, and Kira wondered irrationally if he could escape from Shuuhei's clutches that night. And, more importantly, whether he wanted to.

“Um, have some more, I'm sure you're hungry after studying the entire day.”

Shuuhei murmured, lips moving delightfully against the rim of Kira's ear. “I'm not hungry... for food.”

“Shuuhei,” breathed Kira, trying not to let his knees weaken. _Not working._ “The supper-”

“-can wait.” Shuuhei's hands skated up Kira's arms and turned Kira around. Dark eyes locked onto wide blue ones. “You really shouldn't have come tonight, Kira.”

“Wh-what? Why?”

“I can't concentrate anymore. It's all your fault.” Shuuhei nuzzled Kira along his temple, making Kira wiggle in protest. “How are you going to make it up to me?”

Kira swallowed as Shuuhei's lips met his. _He isn't kidding about being hungry_ , Kira thought distractedly, as the by now familiar sensation of the world slipping away swallowed him up...

xxxx

“Hey,” Shuuhei said as he opened the door. Kira blinked rapidly, mentally filing away the little scenario for, uh, later viewing. The brunet was wrapped in a light blue outfit, looking rather scraggly with his five o'clock shadow shading towards nine o'clock. He scratched his jaw. “I wasn't expecting you.”

“I, erm, brought you some supper.” Kira held out the covered bowl.

“Oh, thanks.” Shuuhei took it from Kira's unresisting hands. “I'll have them later. Still got about three chapters in before I can turn in.”

Kira fidgeted, waiting to be invited in. The upperclassman wrinkled his brows. “Izuru? What's wrong?”

“Um, nothing,” said Kira hastily and smiling. “Uh, g-good luck with the, um, the, um, studying. I'll erm, erm, I'll see, I'll see you an-another day?”

“Yeah, certainly,” said Shuuhei. Then he stepped out and kissed Kira chastely on the cheek. “Thanks, Izuru. I'll enjoy them.”

Kira smiled again but, before he could lean into the kiss, Shuuhei patted the top of Kira's head and returned to his room, shutting the door in Kira's face.

xxxxx

Renji raised his dark brows, the new hooked tattoo wrinkling. “And you're upset because?”

“He- well, he was busy, but, I mean, when we meet up alone we always... an-and we didn't. So, um, it's kinda, I don't know...” Kira trailed off, fingers twisting the ends of his belt together.

“First of all, if you're doing it, you should be able t' say it.” Renji grinned at the sudden flush. Kira's upbringing had been by an extremely strict aunt, and he certainly was using his time away from her eagle eye to explore with Shuuhei. Nonetheless his innate bashfulness about matters relating to sex remained. “Secondly, the guy has his finals in two days, and you expect him to get all grope-happy with ya?”

“S' not like I'm th-throwing myself at him,” Kira mumbled, eyes staring fixedly on his toes. “He's always the one that gets... that always starts the, um, kissing. It's just strange that he didn't when I turn up outside his room and he didn't even invite me in.”

“Gimme a break, Izuru,” Renji groaned. “He has exams on his mind. And you, my angelic-faced friend, is one horny dog.”

“Shut up!” Kira punched Renji in the shoulder, face burning with embarrassment.

Renji guffawed and headed for the communal bathroom. “Wait till I tell him what kinda person you actually are. He won't be able t' keep his hands off ya, I swear.”

Kira's eyes widened. “Don't you _dare_ , Abarai Renji!”

“Why not?” Renji winked before he ran out, just as Kira's pillow hit the wall by the door.

At least he had Renji who was practically unshockable to confide in about such matters. Still Kira couldn't help the bit of resentment about the entire letdown – he had expected Shuuhei to be his usual self, and he was prepared for that, and now he had nothing.

_Pfft._

_At least you have that little fantasy to keep you warm._

_Look, whatever you are, shut up._

_I'm the little voice in your head, stupid._

_I really, really hope this isn't my zanpakuto's voice._

_You? Hngh! You'll never hear your sword, you're not strong enough. I'm just a voice in your head._

Kira exhaled heavily and snuggled into his bedding. First he had an aunt who was straighter than a carpenter's rule, now he had an enemy in his head. It was just, forgive his language, bloody great.

 


	6. 6.

Even though his first visit had been a letdown, Kira made it a point to deliver snacks and tidbits to his – well, calling Shuuhei his boyfriend would be too presumptuous, but then they did hold hands and kiss and go out and engage in plenty of groping in the few times they went out together -

_Stop babbling, Izuru. You sound like an idiot._

Inhaling deeply, he hoped he would find Shuuhei alone again. His friends teased somewhat fiercely and Kira thought he would never stop blushing as they ribbed both Shuuhei and Kira. The past week Shuuhei had been studying mostly with his friends, except for two nights. On those two nights Shuuhei had somewhat made up for the lack of affection on Kira's first visit with “well-deserved breaks”. Although Kira was somewhat resigned to Shuuhei being more attentive on his studies, Shuuhei insisted on some hands-on practical tasks so that he could rest his mind.

 _Mmm... I love those hands..._ Kira forced the rising blush down. He had to get over this ridiculous bashfulness – Renji kept making off-color jokes just to see the red over his cheeks, while Shuuhei said it was a good hint of when to stop their... well-deserved breaks.

Tonight Kira was lucky. Shuuhei opened the door eagerly on Kira's second knock. “Izuru,” he said, a big smile on his face. “Thank all the gods. I was going insane after three non-stop hours of Inter-Society Law. The words are blurring together.”

“I'm guessing you're looking forward to a break,” suggested Kira slyly, knowing that his blush was starting again.

Shuuhei waited until Kira had placed the plate of savory dumplings on the table first before pulling him into an embrace. Shuuhei's kisses always blocked out the rest of the world; Kira wondered if he affected Shuuhei the same way. Though by the low keening sounds from Shuuhei Kira wasn't that bad at kissing either...

“Hnngh...” Shuuhei panted softly as they broke apart for breath. “What did you make tonight?”

Kira blinked through heavy lashes. “Hmmm? Oh, dumplings.”

“That sounds great,” the brunet said, nibbling at Kira's earlobe. “I'm hungry.”

“You want to eat first?” asked Kira, hoping that Shuuhei would keep the food for supper. _Or perhaps even breakfast?_ Shuuhei rubbed his nose along Kira's jawline, chuckling at the transparent hope in the blond's voice. The caress sent little shivers up Kira's spine and he whined for more. The responding press of Shuuhei's hips to his showed that Shuuhei wasn't as in control as he appeared. Encouraged by the thought, Kira made another urgent little sound as Shuuhei flicked his tongue over and _oh gods_ into his ear.

“I wanna eat...” said Shuuhei softly, pulling away to look Kira in the eye. “But my hands are rather busy” - a squeeze of Kira's ass - “so do you think you can help me?”

 _Is this another fantasy?_ Kira bit the tip of his tongue to check – _OW! Okay, not a fantasy... Woohoo!_ “What would you want me to do, Shuuhei?”

The dark-haired upperclassman kissed the area between Kira's brows. Kira blinked to uncross his eyes. “Feed me.”

“I'd need to get chopsticks-”

“-with your fingers,” interrupted Shuuhei huskily. “I want to eat from your hands.”

Suddenly lightheaded, Kira muttered, “Th-they'll get oily.”

“That's alright, I'll clean your fingers for you,” Shuuhei replied, his tongue sliding over Kira's lips to demonstrate. Then he released Kira from his arms, his hand sliding from the back of Kira's neck down to the curve of his waist and squeezing lightly again. “I'll clean them very thoroughly too.”

With that Kira submitted. Retrieving the platter, Kira settled in Shuuhei's lap. They were seated on the floor, some of Shuuhei's notebooks pushed aside in favor of more delectable pursuits.

“Open up,” said Kira, the first dumpling held in slender fingers. The plate was balanced on the thick texts on his left.

Shuuhei chuckled. “Izuru darlin', I really suggest you refrain from using that phrase.”

“Hmm? Why?”

“... unless you really, really want me to have my way with you?” Shuuhei breathed into Kira's neck.

 _What does he mean-?_ “Oh!” He smacked Shuuhei's arm, while Shuuhei laughed. Folding his arms, Kira pouted, “Pervert.”

His shoulders still shaking, Shuuhei jiggled Kira in his lap. “Come on, Izuru.” When Kira pouted and turned away, arms folded even more tightly, Shuuhei picked up a dumpling and waved it under the blond's nose. “Open up...”

xxxxx

Renji nudged Kira awake for the third time, ten minutes into the lecture. The blond opened his eyes slowly, trying not to yawn. He had got back later than expected, plate empty, lips swollen and with a collection of hickeys along his neck. Thankfully Renji had already been asleep, so Kira just had to focus on masking the hickeys with basic healing spells.

“... and today we have our guest lecturer, Aizen-taichou of the Fifth Division. His expertise is in Inter-Society Collaboration and Communication. As a lieutenant Aizen-taichou had stayed in several foreign Societies in an effort to boost global cooperation in the furthering of our aim. Please join me in welcoming Aizen Sousuke, captain of the Fifth.”

Kira joined the rest of his cohort in rising to his feet. All thirteen captains came to speak at the Academy, and sometimes it was nigh impossible to secure a place at the popular captains' lectures.

“Good morning, and thank you Nakamichi-san.” The gentlemanly captain took the podium and placed his notes on it. Then he removed his glasses to replace it with another set. “Forgive me if I can't see you clearly,” he apologized. “I have to choose between reading glasses and my regular glasses, but the latter will make me nervous if I have to look at all of you. Ichimaru, my lieutenant, tells me to imagine all of you naked, but that would be too much of an excitement for my old bones.”

Kira became more alert with the mention of his idol ( _fantasy_ ) _._ Renji sat back in his chair, one hand playing with a pencil he had found in the corridor. Kira leaned forward, folded arms on the narrow tabletop. He scanned the front ow briefly, but he already knew Ichimaru-fukutaichou wasn't there. It wasn't as if the silver head of hair would be so easily missed even with a crowd this size.

“... the main thing about living in another Society is to learn their language,” said Aizen Sousuke. “I don't mean just the spoken language, although that is the most important. I also refer to the language of the organization. For example, in Fegefeuer, I had to clean the floors for two months until someone told me that I had a diplomatic get-out-of-menial-tasks card which I had to request for from my captain. Over there, they don't tell you and wait for you to figure it out, or, as in my case, someone takes pity on the unknowing schmuck. Word of advice: ask. Use my schmuckiness as a guide on what not to do.”

“Isn't he good?” gushed Hinamori who was seated behind them. Aizen-taichou was showing some graphs on the structure of other societies and comparing it with Soul Society's.

Renji turned back partway. “You understand what the hell he's talking about? Because I'm all at sea here.”

Their classmate Fujikawa on Renji's other side joined in the whispered conversation. “Y'know, I hear he's one of the nicest captains to work under. He even remembers all of his squad members' birthdays and sends little gifts.”

Kira could hear Hinamori's “Aizen-worship-meter” bounce up another notch. Fujikawa continued, “The real disciplinarian in the fifth apparently is the lieutenant, Ichimaru Gin. They say he punishes latecomers to drills by making them scrub bathrooms with their uniforms.”

Kira frowned. “Are you sure?” he whispered. Some people were looking over at their conversation, and Kira flushed.

Fujikawa shrugged. “That's what I heard.”

Down at the podium, Aizen had moved on to telling the students how graduates of the academy were assigned to different places, and the qualifications needed for the Inter-Society Liaison office, a subsidiary division of the fifth and co-run with the Thirteenth. “The benefit of being in this subdivision is that you will receive a pass for unlimited traveling between dimensions. The downside is, every time you leave Soul Society, you require at least a third seat to endorse your travel plan.”

“Why give the unlimited pass then?” someone in the audience asked.

“Because inter-Society conflict can arise at any time,” replied Aizen. “Unlike in the human dimension, we have the luxury of easy travel and direct access to the leaders if necessary. I myself have taken five trips the past two months, most of them to China's _Di Fu_.”

Someone else raised a hand. “What are some duties involved?”

“The receiving and sending of messages, mainly; we need to keep everyone updated in case of major imbalances in the human realm. We also supervise the exchange of shinigami with foreign shinigami, and act as the main liaison office for these foreign exchange shinigami.” Aizen smiled. “There's also an unbelievable amount of paperwork every day too.”

The captain went on, occasionally answering a question, before announcing to the entire cohort that the Gotei Thirteen Squads were opening internship positions for those keen on joining the squads before his little speech ended.

Outside in the corridor, Fujikawa scrunched up his nose. “I'm already primed for the kido corps,” he mulled aloud, “so should I join?”

“I'm definitely applying for the fifth,” said Hinamori.

“We know, we know,” Renji drawled. Someone came by and tapped Renji on the shoulder. The redhead frowned. “What?”

“Your test results for Intermediate Zanjutsu Techniques,” said Ozawa, a petite girl from the second class and close rival for Renji's attempt to top the zanjutsu chart in their cohort. “I got in,” she bragged.

Renji narrowed his dark eyes at her and she stuck out a tongue before walking off.

Fujikawa leaned in, his bespectacled eyes almost glinting with excitement. “You took the test for Intermediate Zanjutsu? I hear the instructor is really strict! Like, demoniacally strict!”

“Yeah, you hear lotsa things,” said Renji distractedly as he ripped open the envelope. Then the redhead stared at the words on the slip of paper before letting out a raucous cheer. “YEAH!! I GOT IN I GOT IN!! YES! YES YES YES!!”

“Relax, Renji,” laughed Hinamori. “What, you finally managed a membership into the SWA?”

People walking about them stopped to stare at the whooping Renji, who then dashed off. “I got into the class! I gotta tell Rukia!” he yelled as he sprinted down the hallway. Hinamori and Fujikawa waved and then led the way to the cafeteria. Kira trailed behind.

Kira bit the inside of his cheek – where was _his_ result? He took the qualifying test (without telling Renji) three weeks ago. He had heard about the very strict instructor – which was precisely why he wanted in so badly. After all, it was a special course led by _Ichimaru Gin,_ and Kira would not want to miss that for the world. Vaguely he wondered if Renji knew who the instructor was going to be. Then he shook his head – as long as it was zanjutsu Renji would be interested.

“Hello sempai!” chirruped Hinamori.

“Hi, Kira, Hinamori,” someone said off to Kira's left. It was Shuuhei. Kira felt himself brighten. “Kira, can you help me out? I kinda need your help with, uh, something.”

Fujikawa was oblivious, but plainly amazed at the ease with which Hisagi Shuuhei talked with the other two. Hinamori smiled. “Would you want us to help too?” To Fujikawa, she said in a loud whisper, “They're ' _special'_ friends.”

“Ooooh...” Fujikawa grinned madly. Kira was prepared to bet anything that the news and associated gossip would be flying through the school by dinnertime.

“Oh it's fine, it's, um Kira's expertise in-in-in uh, chemistry that I need.” It was rare to see Hisagi sputter so Kira filed it away as a little gift for himself. “We have to go now.”

Hinamori eyed Shuuhei critically. “You're looking rather haggard, sempai. Kira should take care of you.”

Kira bristled at the criticism, but Shuuhei interjected smoothly. “He does, Hinamori. Kira, shall we?”

Kira followed obediently. They wandered to the back of one of the laboratory blocks. “Chemistry, Shuuhei?”

“I just had my last paper,” said Shuuhei, ignoring the tease. The air was still and heavy here, scented by odd fumes from one of the upper level labs. Kira wrinkled his nose and tried not to sneeze.

“Oh. Hey, that's great!” Kira said happily.

“So, um...” Shuuhei scrubbed the back of his head uncomfortably. “Do you... I mean, will you like to go out later?”

Kira smothered his chuckle and instead said innocently, “Well, you won't need supper or snacks any more, so I guess I'll just stay in my room to rest.”

“Oh.” The crestfallen look on Shuuhei's face made Kira retract his words. The blond took his senior's fingers and pulled lightly on them.

“Shuuhei,” Kira said, trying not to laugh at the sad eyes Shuuhei gave him, “I'll be more than happy to go out.”

The dark-haired student grinned. “I'll meet you at your room, six?”

“After dinner?”

“Mm. We'll have dinner there,” said Shuuhei. Then he scratched his nose. “You gonna sign for the internship program?”

“I'm considering. If I don't I'll have to return to Aunt's, and you know I'm not looking forward to that.”

“Yeah. Um, if you do sign for the internship why don't you come over to the ninth?”

Kira bit his lower lip in a smirk. “Why the ninth?”

Shuuhei's narrow eyes narrowed further and he pulled Kira into a hug. “You jolly well know why. Tease.”

“Maybe I'm just stupid,” said Kira, batting his eyes with a completely-an-airhead look. He had time for a delighted squeak that met Shuuhei's growl before the younger man was pinned against the wall and the two were kissing freely.

Something exploded upstairs and a plume of greenish-purple-yellow smoke flooded out of the window. “Uh,” Shuuhei said, pulling away reluctantly, “I think that's our cue.”

“Yes, I think so too.” Kira adjusted himself and tried to remain civil to the _moronic idiot who was so damn bloody clumsy and should be torn into pieces by furious elephants and the remains stung by crazy wasps!_

xxxxx

Six o'clock arrived too slowly. Kira had again gone through his and Renji's closet, finally settling on a leaf-green robe with bright yellow squares along the hem and collar.

“Where is Renji?” he groused aloud. Usually his roommate was home earlier than Kira. Perhaps Renji was out with Rukia celebrating the acceptance into the Intermediate Zanjutsu class. Kira swallowed the jealousy inside – he was happy for his friend, and there was no need to taint that happiness with sour grapes.

“Hey, Kira,” said Hinamori, rapping on the door. “Have you seen Renji?”

“Not since he ran off yelling like a madman. What is it?”

The girl walked in as if she owned the place. Shifting a few yukatas aside, she said, “Rukia's gonna be adopted into the Kuchiki clan.”

Kira's eyes widened. If he had been drinking he'd have sprayed the room. “Th-the Kuchiki clan? The Seireitei-four-noble-houses Kuchiki clan?”

“That's the one,” confirmed Hinamori. “Oh, Ozawa told me to pass this to you. She only saw this on the bottom of the stack of acceptance letters. I didn't know you applied as well, Kira. It's not as if you're that great in zanjutsu.”

“Like you are,” retorted Kira before he could stop himself. “Renji helped me a lot and if I managed to pass the preliminary tests, I don't think I'm that bad either.”

Hinamori stared at Kira. “Hey, I didn't mean anything by the comment.”

“That's the problem with you, Hinamori,” said Kira irritably. Something about her presence made him want to scream – she was nice enough, and young and perky and bright, and sometimes said tactless things without anyone correcting her _because she was young and perky and bright._ “You don't think about what you say. It's called tact, or didn't you learn about this in Rukongai?”

“Kira Izuru, you snobbish little blond brat, how dare you?”

“I dare all right!”

“You... you arrogant blond know-it-all!”

“You midget airhead!”

“Stuck-up Ichimaru-fanatic!”

“Ditsy Aizen-worshipper!”

“Whoa,” said Renji at the door. Shuuhei was behind him. “What's wrong?”

“He insulted me!” “She was tactless!”

The two glared at each other, then folded their arms and turned their backs on each other simultaneously. Renji looked from one side to the other, exchanged a glance with Shuuhei, and then both of them burst out laughing.

“What the- why are you laughing?” “Why are you laughing so hard? Hey!”

“You- you two... can you even think how identical you looked just now?” gasped Renji in between bouts of laughter. “Wha-what was this about anyway?”

Kira grabbed the envelope from Hinamori's hands. Both snarled at each other for a moment before Kira ripped it open and stared. “Hey, I got in too!”

“Got in what?” Shuuhei asked. He sat down beside Kira and read over his shoulder. “Intermediate Zanjutsu Techniques? That's the class I failed two terms ago.”

“You failed?” squeaked Hinamori, all anger forgotten in the light of this revelation.

Shuuhei grinned sheepishly. “I underestimated Isane-fukutaichou in the final. Dear lord that woman can hit with precision.”

“Is he the one taking the course this time round?” asked Kira.

“Not sure; there's some sort of rota among the lieutenants.” Shuuhei rubbed Kira's temple with his nose. “Come on, we have to go now.”

“Snob,” the girl muttered under her breath.

Kira sniffed. “Brat.”

Hinamori stuck her tongue out at Kira when the blond piled the scattered yukata on his own bed. That childish gesture made Kira want to do the same, but he put on his dignity and left the room with Shuuhei. However, at the doorway, he gave in and made a face at Hinamori.

Shuuhei chuckled and tugged Kira along.

Hinamori flounced out of the boys' room immediately.

None of them noticed Renji hadn't said a word after the initial amusement. Therefore none noticed how he staggered to his bed, sat on it, and stared into space for the rest of the night.

 


	7. 7.

Kira clapped loudly when it was Shuuhei's turn to receive the official Gotei uniform as his investiture ceremony. Renji whooped and cheered, along with a quarter of the school – Shuuhei was popular. The Kido Corps' had had theirs the day before, and today and tomorrow's were for the Gotei. They took in the most graduands.

“And so you have been vested with the duties and loyalties of soldiers for Soul Society. Make no mistake: you will risk your lives out there, so that your home and your family will be kept safe. Uphold your honor above all else, because you no longer belong to you but you are part of something greater and nobler,” Tousen-taichou paused, and then went on. “Let honesty and loyalty be your sword and shield, let honor be your armor, and let righteousness be the flame that sustains you through your work and your life. Welcome to the Gotei.”

Kira followed Renji's lead to congratulate Shuuhei, who was swamped with girls – Kira bit back the Red Cannon spell that almost burst from his mouth – and was fending off some dozens of envelopes. His friends were also there, some of whom were also carrying their precious burden of shinigami robes.

“Hisagi!” Renji yelled and waved. Shuuhei caught sight of them and grinned, especially when he saw Kira. Somehow the girls were gently but firmly discouraged (Kira knew Shuuhei's friends probably took the chance to know more girls) and Shuuhei was standing in front of them.

“Hey guys,” he said. He couldn't stop grinning. Kira couldn't help but respond with the same – he knew Shuuhei had been looking forward to this day for many, many years. “Wanna join our celebration? Where's Hinamori?”

“She's somewhere,” said Kira dismissively. He was still annoyed with the girl who was also annoyed at him. “Um, I won't be joining you yet, I gotta go back to Aunt's to tell her about my holiday plans.”

“You mean you ain't going home? Thinking of joining the internship program?” Shuuhei asked. “The ninth?”

Kira fiddled with his fingers. “If I could, I would, but there's a subject requirement I haven't met and I'm not sure Tousen-taichou would even consider...”

Before Renji could comment, he was tugged away by Shuuhei's course mate when one of the senior girls commented on how cool the tattoos were. Kira peered over Shuuhei's shoulder and laughed when Renji blushed as red as his hair: a few of them were cooing over his muscles and the tattoos.

Shuuhei scrubbed the back of his head. “Eh, I guess it's impossible then... he's quite a by-the-books kinda guy. But easy t'work with, since he makes it clear what I'm supposed to do.”

“Do you know what seat you'll be?” asked Kira. He had heard that he was offered an officer posting but not what number yet.

Shuuhei shrugged. “He said I'll know the day I report. So you can't join us?” He was visibly downcast, a little put-on pout designed to appeal to Kira's sympathy.

Kira wrinkled his nose and chuckled. “I'll see you later tonight, how about that?”

“I'd _like_ that a lot,” Shuuhei grinned his lazy grin, the kind that signaled certain thoughts that were playing across the brunet's mind. Kira laughed again, rather embarrassed but amused with how easily his boyfriend - yep, boyfriend was the term – could make him happy.

xxxxx

“You're not returning for the holidays,” stated the imperious old lady, looking Kira from foot to head and back down. “What, we're no longer good enough for you?”

“N-n-no, ma'am,” said Kira. He wished he dared to look her in the eye, but she always bore the expression that he needed a haircut and perhaps two more baths before he was qualified enough to step in her house. “I thought it wou-would be good to gain ex-expe-experience in working for the Gotei, since that's, since that's where my parents had wa-wanted me to go.”

“Head up, shoulders back, and speak properly, boy,” snapped his aunt. “Still have that stutter. I doubt any division will have you with that ridiculous st-st-stammering. I thought we beat it out of you before you headed to the academy! What are they teaching you in that place, hmm?”

“I, um, I, erm, I'm so-sorry, ma'am.”

“Tch. Do what you want; I can't be bothered with chasing after an ingrate.” She stood stiffly. Kira had barely taken one step forward to assist when she barked an order for him to go to his parents' graves and clear the weeds.

Kira jerked back. “Y-yes ma'am. I'll do so tomor-tomorrow morning at first l-light.”

When the old lady walked back to her rooms, Kira slouched and sighed. No matter what he did or didn't do, nothing matched her expectations. Not even his current results: all distinctions. She had merely sniffed and said Kira was only doing what should have been done.

In the end the blond got to his feet and went to his room to retrieve a few of his own belongings, as well as a gift he had wanted to pass to Shuuhei for his graduation into the Gotei.

xxxxx

“You okay?” said Hinamori when Kira bumped into her at the entryway to the dormitories. “You seem sort of down.”

“I am,” admitted Kira. The two friends shared a glance and then Kira rubbed his right ear. “Um, thanks for the concern, Hinamori.”

“You're welcome. And I apologize for what I said the other day... I didn't think about, y'know. Sorry.” She held out a hand. “Friends?”

Kira shook it. “Yeah. We'll meet and drop off our internship applications tomorrow? Renji has mine; he's forgotten the names of our course instructors.”

“Okay. I'm gonna go back home for a bit, see Shiro-chan and granny. See you tomorrow at the admissions office!”

Kira watched her run off, and sighed again. Where others couldn't wait to see their famliy, he went out of his way to avoid his own. Not that he hated his aunt; he just wished she'd see the good in him even once, instead of all the potential that he had yet to live up to. He made his way back to his own dorm room first, wanting to get his laundry put away before he headed to Shuuhei's. The slim weight of the gift gave Kira a tingle; he hoped Shuuhei would like it.

xxxxx

When he knocked on the door he was greeted by a gang of four – no, five, _seven –_ guys sprawled all over the neat room, Shuuhei's partially packed bags stacked haphazardly in a corner.

“Hisagi!” yelled one of them. “Your boyfriend's here!”

The tallest of the crew grinned widely. “All right, guys, our job here is done. Time ta go!”

“You don't have to leave-” began Kira, but was cut off.

“Hey, it's his last night in this dorm, so we're bloody well gonna give you guys some private time to, uh, generate memories, eh? Hisagi, we're gone!”

“Yeah!” someone called out in reply from the vicinity of the kitchenette. “Bye guys!”

Kira waited till all seven stumbled out, some less drunken than others, before he entered and shut the door. Shuuhei emerged, wiping his hands dry on a kitchen cloth.

“You're here,” he said happily and strode over for a soft kiss to Kira's forehead. “Sorry 'bout that. They insisted on drinking sake in my room to keep me company, and I still have to clear those jokers' empty bottles.”

“I'll help,” said Kira, picking up two from the floor near his feet. The emptiness of the room made him feel uneasy, like this was someone else's space and not a room he had been visiting regularly. Other than the futon and a few books, Shuuhei had pretty much removed all traces of his residence from the place.

They cleared it quickly and quietly. Kira wondered how to breach the subject of his gift while Shuuhei carted the bag of empty bottles downstairs to the large trash receptacles. He sighed; he wished he had the gift of the gab sometimes, but he was never comfortable around spoken words.

“Penny for your thoughts,” said Shuuhei when he came in.

“Nothing much, really,” said Kira. Shuuhei sat beside him and looked at the blond closely. Kira fidgeted. “What?”

“Something's bothering you. Your aunt gave you a hard time again?”

Kira bit his lower lip and studied his hands clasped in his lap. “Not really, no. I just... I just I'm better than plain old clumsy Izuru.”

Shuuhei exhaled heavily and tucked Kira into a hug. “You are already spectacular, Izuru. She just doesn't see what a treasure you are.”

Kira moved his head, his lips just touching Shuuhei's neck. “Maybe you're just biased.”

“Perhaps,” said Shuuhei. He moved his head away to examine Kira. “I got some things for ya.” Releasing the blond student he reached behind and grabbed the few volumes spread on the floor. “My notes from the core courses. Hope they'll be useful.”

“Thank you,” murmured Kira, his chest tight. “They'll be great, I know.”

The older man stroked a stray strand of hair from Kira's brow. Kira smiled and then pulled the gift from his pocket. “I got something for you too.”

“A journal?” Shuuhei asked after unwrapping it.

“Y-yeah. It can be reused, just replace the pages, and, um, I put in a fountain pen my dad used to use, and a container for ink too and you don't have to carry a brush and ink set with you. The pen goes here, and the, um, ink tube is here.”

Shuuhei smiled and put it aside, on top of his bag. “That's very... it's a very considerate gift, Izuru. Thank you.”

“You don't like it?” asked Kira, peering up through a puzzled frown.

“I do.”

“You're not looking at it-”

“I'm looking at you.” Shuuhei's lips brushed Kira's mouth. “I'll miss you so much, Izuru.”

Kira gulped and lowered his gaze. He nibbled on his lips and muttered, “I... I wish I was going with you too. I'll miss... seeing you in school d-daily, and it's gonna be so difficult meeting up...”

“We'll work it out.” He bent to peer into Kira's face. Kira smelled the faint scent of sake on Shuuhei's breath; the brunet's hands were already slipping to Kira's waist, pulling him closer.

Kira's fingers moved slowly up Shuuhei's chest and then slid over the muscular shoulders.

The kiss started slow, tentative. Shuuhei's mouth was full of the taste of sake, but Kira knew the reason for his dizziness had nothing to do with alcohol. Their lips slid across each other's; Kira parted his and his tongue pushed lightly on Shuuhei's mouth. When the older man opened it and welcomed Kira's exploration, the blond scratched his fingers into the coarse hair at the nape of Shuuhei's neck, drawing him nearer. Their breaths danced over each other's cheeks, and soon Shuuhei's arms were wrapped tightly about Kira, and the slender blond was practically in Shuuhei's lap.

When Kira whined for another kiss after Shuuhei stepped away to turn off the lights, he didn't expect to be pinioned to the futon in a rush that forced the air from his body. Suddenly apprehensive, Kira swallowed. “Shuu?”

“Shh. Just... you're so good to touch, and I want to touch every inch...” Shuuhei's mouth was hovering over Kira's ear, his hot puffs of air sending little jolts of heat into Kira's groin. Kira responded by wriggling closer to the hard body above him, then gasped when a firm thigh wedged itself between his legs and pressed against his arousal. “Izuru... I'm going to miss seeing you every day.”

“Me too,” breathed Kira and groaned softly. Shuuhei chuckled and ground down again, eliciting another delicious utterance. The younger man spread his legs a little wider, not really cognizant of his actions, but wanting the heat pooling in his gut to meet with the heat from Shuuhei more intimately. The brunet bent to kiss Kira again, roughly, ravenously, releasing Kira's hands to assist Kira in removing the younger man's top. Their hips shifted and moved together and Shuuhei swallowed his own moan of pleasure when their erections rubbed against the other through layers of fabric.

Kira sighed again. “Shuuhei...”

“Hmm?” The brunet sucked on the blond's collarbone; he did love how Kira would curl into him. His fingers brushed over Kira's chest and, encouraged by Kira's hum of excitement, returned to roll the hardened nipples between his fingers.

Kira bucked upwards when Shuuhei's mouth took over from his fingers, his moans barely held back. His hands clutched and kneaded Shuuhei's shoulders, and he forced himself to run his fingers through Shuuhei's hair, to slide his hips against the other's. “Shuu, Shuuhei...”

“Yes, 'zuru?” whispered Shuuhei as he kissed up the slim body. He had to hold back, he must hold back – Shuuhei knew he wasn't thinking clearly, and eager Kira added to a severe lack of judgment right now. “What is it? You want to stop?”

“What?” Kira licked his lips. “No, I just... um. Shuuhei.”

The brunet waited. “Yes?”

The blond muttered something too soft, his index finger tracing a circle on Shuuhei's sternum. When Shuuhei bent closer to hear, Kira repeated in a rush, “Canistayeretnightwifu?”

With his lust-fogged brain in the driving seat, it took Shuuhei some time to decipher the message. When he did he was stunned. Kira blinked, wondering if he had overstepped the bounds. Did Shuuhei think he was overeager? Moving too fast? Or something? Feeling a rising sense of fear and nausea, Kira started to wriggle from Shuuhei's hold, but was suddenly gripped. The next thing Kira knew was Shuuhei kissing him like his life depended on stealing Kira's breath at one go.

“All night?” asked Shuuhei, drawing back a little to allow Kira some air. The blond, panting, looked away and then nodded shyly. Shuuhei's hands fell to the slender waist and began massaging the firm muscles, before untying the belt and helping Kira out of his clothes.

Kira inhaled sharply when Shuuhei stripped him quickly, and his arousal rubbed against the rough weave of Shuuhei's hakama. The brunet removed his own clothes when Kira protested softly, and both groaned when their hips finally touched skin to skin.

“I've been dreaming of this,” whispered Shuuhei. His fingers reached for Kira and slowly stroked, base to tip, running his thumb around and over the engorged and seeping head. Kira whimpered, nails digging into Shuuhei's arms. Shuuhei's voice was rough and hoarse with desire, and Kira wanted to hear it forever. “I've wanted to have you here, under me, writhing, needing... I dreamed of hearing your voice calling my name while you come, of your legs sliding against my skin and then wrapping about my waist... 'zuru, I've waited... and wished...”

“Shuu... let me touch you, show me how you... how you like to be touched,” said Kira softly, his left hand moving lightly from Shuuhei's arm down to where Shuuhei's hand was, his long fingers wrapping about the heated length.

Shuuhei hissed with the contact and thrust helplessly when Kira mimicked the brunet's earlier movements. “That's right... but more, yes... gods, 'zuru, darlin'...” Shuuhei took Kira's moving hand and shifted it aside. “Let me love you, 'zuru. I want to be in you, to feel you around me.”

Kira kissed Shuuhei, tongues sliding and writhing together. “I don't have... I need prep,” said Kira as firm lips turned to explore the rest of the face and jaw. “I want you in me too, Shuu. I want to be yours, really yours...”

Shuuhei groaned when he heard Kira. He reached for his bag nearby; there might be hand cream or lotion or something. There was no time to search for the little bottle he had wanted to use on some special day. Finding what he wanted, Shuuhei coated his hand with the cream. Strong fingers moved down and one slid into the blond, who gasped and held his breath in an attempt to relax. Shuuhei's free hand caressed Kira's chest, over his pounding heart, while Shuuhei kissed down the flat stomach.

“Relax, darlin',” he drawled as he licked the tip of Kira's arousal. Kira could swear he saw stars when Shuuhei slid another finger in and then touched a spot deep within. With a soft laugh Shuuhei continued to thrust his fingers – three now – into Kira's body, one forearm holding Kira's hips down. Every now and then Shuuhei would kiss Kira's aching arousal, or lick on Kira's sack; most of the time Shuuhei focused on giving hickeys to Kira's inner thighs.

“Shuuhei, please,” Kira gasped after one particularly electric thrust from the older student. “I need you, please, now.”

Shuuhei complied, hastily anointing himself with the lotion he fished out. He hovered over the blond, who was blindly reaching for Shuuhei's face. “If it hurts-”

“If you tell me to stop I'll kill you,” snapped Kira, hips already bucking for contact. Shuuhei let out a shaky chuckle; he knew there was a bossy, demanding lover in there somewhere, but it took the oddest things to bring that out of Kira. It was alluring in its rarity.

Kira grabbed Shuuhei's head by the back of his neck and then cried out when his body was breached. He cried out again with the first roll of their hips, their thrusts not quite in sync yet. Shuuhei wanted to be gentle, but Kira was demanding and made little sounds that grew louder with every touch and movement. They writhed together, Shuuhei's left hand flexing and stroking between their bodies, Kira planting kisses and bites and scratching along broad shoulders. When Shuuhei increased the pace Kira's hands gripped the strong arms and arched wantonly upwards, trying to meld their bodies.

Kira came first, splattering their bellies with his climax. “Sh-shuuhei!”

With that the brunet came as well, choking out a groan. They shuddered together and rode out the orgasms, each murmuring names and tender nonsense.

He wasn't quite up to standard, Shuuhei knew, since he had partaken a little too much of the sake earlier, but the trembling, lithe form beneath him didn't seem to dislike it. Carefully he rolled to the right, sliding out of Kira who whined at the loss. They stared at the ceiling, trying to calm their minds, and tentatively Kira shifted to snuggle into Shuuhei's side.

Shuuhei ran his fingers through Kira's fine hair. “Was it good for you?”

Kira nuzzled and licked the salt from Shuuhei's skin. “It was nice.”

 _“Nice,”_ echoed Shuuhei. He felt a little insulted – he wasn't _fantastic,_ being sort of drunk, but only nice?

“Nice like 'I can't feel anything below my waist, and that everything seems different now' kind of nice,” elaborated Kira, shuffling higher to nibble Shuuhei's earlobe. “Nice like 'I wanna go again as soon as you're able' kind of nice.”

Shuuhei unruffled his feathers and pulled Kira flush against his side. The blond was snickering at his reaction, and was rewarded with a pinch to his sensitive upper arm. They lay together, legs draped and tangled across each other. “Izuru.”

“Hmm?” Kira nosed his lover – he loved that noun so much! - and Shuuhei sighed. “What is it?”

“Whichever division you attend for the internship, please be careful, okay?”

Kira pressed his mouth to Shuuhei's warm skin. “Of course.”

“And... Izuru, about Ichimaru-fukutaichou...” Shuuhei breathed in sharply and exhaled. “Try not to be too close to him, hmm?”

“Aww...” teased Kira, “jealous?”

Shuuhei chuckled, a low, rough rumble from his throat. “Maybe. But don't be too close to him.”

Hearing that, Kira was intrigued. “Why not?”

“I dunno,” admitted Shuuhei. “But he makes me uneasy.”

“Mmm. Okay, I'll try to be formal and courteous and stay away from him... for a reward.” Kira straddled Shuuhei easily and the brunet blinked up. “If I listen and pay attention and do what you say... what do I get?”

Shuuhei laughed softly. “Let's see you do what I say first, hmm? Kiss me.”

With a crooked smile Kira obliged. With further encouragement Shuuhei did his best for subsequent efforts, and finally both drifted to sleep exhausted but eminently satisfied.

 


	8. 8.

“Why on earth did he think we're willing to do this even before the sun rose?” grumbled Kyoshiro, Hisagi's friend. He was one semester behind Hisagi in credits, but they often spent time training in the dojos together. Seeing that he had to travel back here especially to help his classmate move his belongings to the Ninth barracks, Hisagi had better provide some really good rewards.

“Because he's promised to cook us dinner for the weekend?” answered Abarai Renji with a large yawn. He had slept early, but somehow these days, ten hours was just not enough. He wondered if he was coming down with a cold.

The younger man rapped twice on the door and heard no response. Kyoshiro snorted. “Probably not awake yet.”

“I guess- hey, it's not locked.” Renji slid the door open. Both guys stepped in, gaped and stepped out again, much faster than when they entered. Renji bit his upper lip, then grinned madly. “Shall we get breakfast and uh, maybe dig out our eyes before we return?”

“Yeah,” nodded Kyoshiro fervently. “Good idea.”

xxxxx

On the small dining table Shuuhei buried his face into Kira's neck again, this time from mortification. The blond was trying to hide his face as well, shaking with laughter. Shuuhei groaned. “I swear I locked that damn door.”

Kira chuckled softly. “Maybe we should have checked or something.” He moved his legs again, raising them to wrap more firmly around Shuuhei. The sudden opening of the door had temporarily derailed them from their activities, but Kira could feel the tightness in his gut rising again. Shuuhei remained distracted until Kira wriggled.

Shuuhei gasped. “Kira Izuru, you are the most tempting little devil this side of existence.”

Kira smirked. “I know. And they” - a kiss - “are returning” - a lick up Shuuhei's scars - “any time soon” - a nip at his ear, delightfully sensitive - “so you better finish this off, hmm?”

“I listen and obey,” the brunet smiled wickedly.

xxxxx

This time, Renji and Kyoshiro waited for Shuuhei to open the door. The dark-haired shinigami did so after three knocks and he smiled apologetically. “Good morning guys.”

“I don't know about us,” remarked Kyoshiro, deadpan, “but I'm pretty certain you had one.”

Shuuhei grinned. “Sorry about earlier.”

“Somehow... I really doubt that.” Renji laced his fingers behind his head.

Kira sidled under Shuuhei's arm at the door. “Invite them in already, Shuu. And you, Renji, no cracks.”

“Aye aye, sir,” said Renji.

The bags and boxes were stacked ready and Shuuhei was dressed in the brand-new shinigami uniform. Shuuhei kept an arm slung over Kira possessively, occasionally pressing a kiss to the side of the blond head. “You guys want some breakfast?”

“Brother,” said Kyoshiro with a sidelong glance at Kira and Shuuhei, “I'm not eating anything that has touched that table, but thanks for the offer.”

Kira laughed at Shuuhei's discomfiture and took up two large bags. “Come on, we have to get you moved out of here, Shuu. Time's a-wasting.”

Renji picked up a box and waited while Shuuhei loaded him with another one. They trooped out of the room and headed off to Shuuhei's new quarters. Kyoshiro couldn't resist jibing the couple as they walked. By the time they had set up most of Shuuhei's things in the barracks room assigned the newcomers, it was near nine o'clock.

“I'm gonna go take a shower,” said Kyoshiro, grimacing at distaste with the sheen of perspiration. “I've got to meet Yuya's parents later. They are not gonna appreciate their future son-in-law smelling horrible.”

Renji flattened one of the boxes. “I'll go get cleaned up too, I guess. And tidy up our room. Still got about three hours before we're supposed to meet Momo at the admissions office.”

“You'll have my form with you?” asked Kira, hanging up Shuuhei's casual robes in the tiny excuse for a closet. “I'll have to go to my parents' graves before I meet up with you.”

Renji said he didn't bring the forms with him, then bade farewell to them both. “Don't do anything I wouldn't do, boys,” he teased. Kira tossed a balled up piece of paper which Renji ducked.

Shuuhei was examining the thin futon critically. “Should I come with?” he asked Kira while folding the blanket.

“Hmm? Oh, to see mum and dad,” said Kira. He sat on one of the chairs in the very stark room. “I dunno.”

Shuuhei sat beside Kira and placed a hand on the blond's knee. “What is it?”

“How do you always know when I'm troubled?” asked Kira, covering the hand on his knee with his own slender one. He could remember what that hand was capable of, and kissed the fingertips.

Shuuhei rubbed Kira's fingers with his thumb. “I don't know. I just do. Are you concerned with how people will look at us?”

“Not other people, no. I mean, people who know me know me, and those who don't, well, they don't matter. It's just... Mum and Dad were so in love. They were the happiest people I have ever known. Dad always encouraged me, y'know, to find someone I love, especially after mum died. He always wanted me to find someone I'm happy with, like he was with mum. And then show him my children, and that was something he told me when he... when he was really sick.” Kira fiddled with Shuuhei's fingers absently. “I dunno he wants to know my happiness is with...”

“... another guy,” finished Shuuhei kindly.

“I'm sorry, Shuu. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.” Kira leaned on Shuuhei's shoulder.

The older man stroked his lover's pale golden hair. “I understand, darlin'. It's fine.”

“I'm sorry. Let me tell them first, please?”

Shuuhei pressed a kiss to Kira's lips. “It's fine, Izuru. I can wait. You better get going if you wanna make it there and then back to the academy in time.”

“Yeah,” murmured Kira, inhaling Shuuhei's unique scent. “Hope your first day goes well, Shuu.”

They kissed again, an affectionate, lingering kiss that sent warmth spreading through Kira. Shuuhei smiled against Kira's lips. “It started well... I like to think that was a good indication of the rest of the week.”

“Mm-hmm, that's a nice thought,” said Kira. Then he sighed. “You're gonna have roommates now.”

Shuuhei pulled Kira close and snuggled into his neck. “You thinkin' about where we can go on the weekends?” Kira nodded, cheeks starting to pink. Shuuhei rubbed the flush with his thumbs. “Maybe we can persuade Renji to go fishing for a day. And stay somewhere else for the night.”

“That sounds good,” said Kira softly and kissed Shuuhei. “I have to go. I'll see you on Friday?”

“Friday at eight, at your dormitory. One more for the road?” asked Shuuhei at the door as Kira prepared to visit his parents' graves. Kira turned and they pressed together once more. Kira sighed inwardly; it was going to be a really long week.

xxxxx

Flustered and irritated, Kira straightened the collar of his top as he dashed towards the admissions office. He was already twenty minutes late, no thanks to the gate security officers who insisted on checking for student identification. He dashed into the admissions office, panting. He still had to check that the data was correct on the form if they had it with them still.

“Hinamori, Abarai, you're here already? I thought we agreed on meeting up first-” he swallowed. There were some other people in there but he barely noticed them. Hinamori raised her brows and signaled to her side. Kira frowned. “What?”

“Hello, Kira.” It was a familiar voice, lilting and husky and with a hint of street slang, and Kira realized that he had put way too much thought into analyzing that sound. _Oh my god. Tell me it's not Ichimaru-fukutaichou._ Kira looked to his left. It was the silver-haired lieutenant and Aizen-taichou, both of whom were carrying boxes. Ichimaru nodded at the final box on the counter. “Care to help?”

“Su-sure! Um, here.” Kira followed as they trailed to the fifth division office.

It was his first time in a captain's office, as it was for Renji and Hinamori. The furnishings were tasteful and, to Kira's inexpert eyes, lavish. What caught his eye at first was a calligraphy scroll – closer examination revealed that it was written by Aizen-taichou himself. It was a poem by the celebrated poet Kobayashi Issa.

“ _In this world_

_we walk on the roof of hell,_

_gazing at flowers.”_

Frowning faintly, Kira turned to look elsewhere. Ichimaru-fukutaichou was fussing over the arrangement of the boxes in the corner while Aizen-taichou looked over the contents of his inbox. There was a broken picture frame on the lieutenant's desk. Kira sidled closer to examine it.

As expected it was one of Ichimaru-fukutaichou and Aizen-taichou. They looked happy, Aizen-taichou gazing down at his lieutenant while Ichimaru-fukutaichou sat relaxed by the captain's side, smiling directly into the camera. Although the picture was still intact, the glass was shattered, and parts of the wooden frame were completely damaged.

Abarai made a comment about the door but Kira wasn't paying attention; Ichimaru-fukutaichou was scowling adorably at the boxes of forms. Then he heard the reply from his captain and snorted. Kira wondered if they had had an argument. Something felt off about the office; it appeared neat but too many items were damaged.

Then he shook his mind free of the thoughts – it was none of his business.

xxxxx

“By the way, Kira,” said Hinamori as they sped back for lunch, “I changed the application division to the fifth instead of the ninth. Hope you don't mind.”

Renji waited for the explosion of indignation from Kira – which didn't come. The blond shrugged. “I was missing that one subject... I couldn't have got in even if I applied. Besides, I know you just wanted to have friends with you, so, okay, not ecstatic, but I'm not angry.”

“You're not angry?” asked the redhead, somewhat unbalanced by a lack of temper.

“Nah... I mean, if I could have a chance then yes, but Shuu checked my transcript before and he did mention that I needed one more course.”

Renji smirked. “Speaking of Shuuhei... how was last night? Good? Great? Mind-blowing?”

“Waaiiiit a minute,” drawled Hinamori, now walking backwards to peer at Kira. “What happened last night?”

“Nothing you should know,” replied Kira pertly. Renji laughed and Hinamori narrowed her eyes.

“So,” she prodded, “you two finally did it?”

“What do you mean, finally?” said Kira somewhat haughtily. “It's not like I dive into bed on the first date.”

Hinamori asked innocently, “And how was it?”

Equally inquisitive, Renji waggled his brows. “C'mon, Izuru. Share.”

Kira shrugged and sauntered off. “That, my friends,” said Kira, traipsing to the cafeteria, “is for me to know and for you guys to never, ever find out.”

“Possessive much?” remarked Renji with a smile. Hinamori agreed and Kira continued to grin affectionately. Of course he was possessive: there wasn't anyone who could make him feel quite as giddily happy as Hisagi Shuuhei.

xxxxx

The trio took their envelopes to Hinamori's room. The girl held hers up. “I didn't think they'd come so fast.”

“Neither did we. So either they rejected us outright, or we have some good news,” said Kira. They whooshed out a breath they had been holding. They had just tossed in the applications yesterday and here was the result. Kira bit his lower lip, and then his hand dropped. “I don't dare to open it.”

“I don't either,” said Hinamori with a weak laugh. “Y'know, I envy Rukia. Getting into the Thirteenth division immediately, without any examination or whatever... it's gotta be cool.”

Kira frowned urgently at the girl. He had assiduously avoided the topic of Rukia. Much as he was wrapped up in his own bliss, Kira knew and recognized that Renji missed his friend badly. Often Kira would catch Renji staring off into space after Rukia was officially adopted, but since Renji put up a brave front for a reason Kira saw no need to tear down the facade. Still, no need to bring up sore memories.

Hinamori didn't notice. “If I could be adopted into a noble family, I'd be ecstatic. All that finery and luxury... I wouldn't even need to work hard to get a place. And the clothes... wow.”

“Yeah,” said Renji with a large smile. “I wish I had been the one, man. Rukia must be really happy now, landing in the lap of luxury.”

Kira gazed at the envelope crumpled in Renji's tight fist. He decided to change the topic. “Let's open them together. Ready, one, two, three.”

They scanned through the message. Then, as one, they shouted. “YES!!”

_'Your application has been considered and accepted._

_Report to your assigned division the next working day from the date of this letter at 0800. latecomers will be dealt with according to the division's regulations._

_DIVISION ASSIGNED: Fifth Division_

_REPORTING OFFICERS: Aizen Sousuke, Ichimaru Gin_

_DURATION OF INTERNSHIP PROGRAM: Ten weeks (Excluding weekends and public holidays)'_

“We got in, we got in, we got in,” sang Hinamori. Renji and Kira laughed at the brunette's cheer. “I'll get to see Aizen-taichou everyday!”

“Y'know,” chuckled Kira. “Maybe we should warn Aizen-taichou that he's got a stalker.”

“You're one to talk,” said Hinamori, wrinkling her nose. “Betcha anything you'll be fawning over Ichimaru-fukutaichou too.”

“Children, children,” soothed Renji as the two got to their knees and looked ready to fight. “Relax, kiddos. Let's just rest and get ready for the next day, hmm? I don't wanna be scrubbing toilets with my clothes.”

xxxxx

Kira and Renji worked out their schedules. Mondays to Thursdays were to be spent at the Fifth; Friday mornings were reserved for their Intermediate Zanjutsu Techniques holiday course. Aizen-taichou had seen their letters of acceptance and had signed off on it, allowing them to manage all their responsibilities. 

Hinamori adjusted her clothes for the thousandth time as they waited for the briefing officer to appear. They had been waiting since eight, and it was eight-twenty-five now. Kira, Renji and Hinamori were the only ones on time; the rest staggered in five to ten minutes late. There were seven of them waiting in all. The latecomers were joking and laughing: Kira recognized some of them as sons of minor nobility, like himself, but he was appalled at their lack of courtesy.

 _What do they teach in their family? _He wondered silently. Renji was looking disdainful; Hinamori was more concerned with her attire than other people's behavior.

“Where is the briefing officer?” asked Hinamori under her breath. “He's late!”

“Good morning!” A voice from behind them startled all five. They jumped to their feet. Ichimaru Gin stepped out. “I see we are all present.”

“Good morning Ichimaru-fukutaichou!” chorused the students.

The silver-haired lieutenant grinned around impartially. “Abarai Renji, Hinamori Momo and Kira Izuru, step outside.”

Kira was suddenly worried. Had they been kicked out of the internship program already?

“The four of you will stay here and write a thousand times, 'I will not be late to meetings'. If there is a single word written wrongly, you can consider yourself out of the program. Yanaihara, watch them.”

One of them, Noda Keiichi, protested. “It's our first day!” His friends stood up too and added their protests. Kira closed his eyes. _Dumbasses._

Ichimaru paused at the door. “Oh, is it?” he said dryly. Then he smiled at the protester. “Then let's make it simple. All four of you are sacked from the program, and don't expect to get into it in future semesters. When you graduate, I hope I'll not be seeing your files because I will send you to Siberia. Good morning to you.”

Noda gaped. “I'll complain!”

“Aizen-taichou looks forward to those letters. They give off such pretty light.” Ichimaru raised a brow. “Now get off Gotei property before I arrest you four for trespassing.”

Yano Toshiko, one of the girls, sneered. “You're just from Rukongai. I'll get Daddy to kick you out of the Gotei, lieutenant or no.”

“That's quite enough!”

Kira was suddenly aware that everyone was staring at him. _Oh shit, did I say that aloud?_

Ichimaru tilted his head, his eyebrow quirking. Noda and Yano narrowed their eyes. Kira took a deep breath and went on. “You are merely students. Ichimaru-fukutaichou is well within his authority to issue punishments. Either you accept it or get out of the division. Using your family name as a threat is ill manners and ungracious.”

“Kira Izuru, this is none of your business,” snapped Yano. “Or I will tell your aunt-”

“-who will back me up in upholding propriety and the respectability of the noble houses. Even if we are mere minor nobles we still have a duty to present a model to the rest of Soul Society.” Kira inhaled and prepared himself.

Noda took a menacing step forward and then, out of the blue, the four of them were sprawled in the dirt outside the room. Ichimaru was smiling. “Go ahead and lodge a complaint, kids. But, see, if you dare to say a single syllable against Kira here, I will hunt you down, strip you naked, paint you pink and tie you to the pillars outside Yamamoto-soutaichou's office, along with the tape of our conversation in this office.”

The quartet stared, cowed by the threat. Kira exchanged glances with Renji; they hadn't expected this. Ichimaru strode off and the trio followed, while Yanaihara led the four errant students out.

“By the way, Kira,” said Ichimaru before the new interns joined the squad for drills, “I appreciate what you did, but never, never interfere when I discipline next time. Understood?”

Kira swallowed. “Yes sir.”

“Good kid. Go on, join Abarai and Hinamori in line.”

“Yes sir.”

 


	9. 9.

Kira sat on his dormitory bed, cross-legged and wide-eyed. “I can't believe I did that.”

“You can't believe you did that?! I can't believe you actually spoke up in the vicinity of your crush!” exclaimed Renji. “You actually stood up against those arrogant, ignorant bullies!” He paused. “It's not the end of the world, right?”

Kira grabbed his pillow and flung it at him. “You know, I'm actually trying to recover from shock here?” he asked plaintively.

Renji chortled. “You, shocked? Did you even see our faces? I swear I thought Momo was gonna wet her pants. I thought I was in some surreal nightmare.”

“Renji, I think I'm a good influence on you,” said Kira innocently. “Your vocabulary is improving!”

Renji rolled his amber eyes and made a face. Kira chuckled and shut his eyes. He could still hear Ichimaru-fukutaichou's soft admonition after he spoke up against Noda and Yano, and the little chat in the evening before the interns were dismissed.

Over dinner, Hinamori had commented that Ichimaru-fukutaichou was like a fox, the way he was always smiling and seemed to be full of tricks up his sleeves. Renji had agreed _sotto_ _voce._ No one at their table had disabused them of the remark; Onizuka even went into a lengthy recount of the pranks and tricks played by the lieutenant over the years.

But to Kira, Ichimaru-fukutaichou reminded him of... of a sword forged by a master craftsmen. Sharp, biting, deadly. Always hidden in plain sight, the danger and the potential that he contained. It was painfully obvious that a person would be hurt if they got too close. Perhaps the person would even die. And yet...

And yet, like any work of a master swordsmith, people couldn't help but want to examine it better. Couldn't help but draw in, to test the quality of the blade, to test how deep it could cut, and how smooth the wound. Kira shuddered inwardly; he yearned to know more about Ichimaru Gin, but was terrified at the same time of what he would find.

“Izuru,” Renji's voice cut in, “You have Shuuhei's notes?”

Kira blinked up. “Uh, yeah. You need them so early?”

“I just thought I'd see if he had taken notes for Intermediate. I still have no idea who's teaching that course this summer,” groused the redhead. He tugged on the hair tie and it promptly snapped. “Damn!”

Kira laughed softly. As Renji reached up to tie it into a ponytail again, Kira slapped the large hands away. “Let me. You keep tying it into a ponytail, you're gonna suffer from premature hair loss. Not pretty.”

“You're the pretty one,” zinged Renji. “I'm happy with being manly.”

“I can be as manly as you are, baboon,” said Kira good-naturedly. “Now shut up, I have to concentrate.”

“Concentrate on _what the hell are you doing to my hair_?” Renji shouted, trying to twist around. Kira ducked out of the way, laughing out loud now. He quickly finished the task, snapping a new hair tie around the thick plait. Renji grabbed the tail of it. “You _plaited_ my _hair_?”

“That's for the crack about being pretty,” said Kira, sticking out his tongue.

With a growl Renji jumped up from the floor and grabbed at Kira, who almost managed to roll out of the way. Kira kicked out at the broad chest that was almost over his legs. Renji took the chance, gripped the ankle and pulled down hard.

“Hey!” Kira pushed down at the muscled arms that grappled at him and were reaching up to mess with his hair. “Stop it-”

“Make me!” Renji twisted Kira's slimmer arms above him in a wrestling hold. “Braid my hair, wouldja?”

Abruptly they paused. Kira was suddenly hyper-aware of the heat of Renji's body, the strong frame that pinned them chest to chest, and that close to, Renji had the clearest eyes he had ever seen. They were not amber; they were liquid gold, rich as honey, now darkening with... something.

“'Zuru...” breathed Renji so softly Kira could have thought it was his imagination, but there was the waft of heated breath over his mouth that indicated otherwise. They were far too close now, and Kira wondered if the pounding in his ears was his heartbeat or his mind.

He didn't think of Renji that way, never, not once, but the proximity of their bodies was affecting him.

The knocking on the door startled them out of their reverie. Renji leaped away, stumbling back and colliding into the wall. Kira ordered his face to stop flushing, ordered his heartbeat to slow. Then he rolled off the bed and opened the door.

It was Shuuhei. “Hello, you,” he said, leaning in with a kiss. “Didn't expect me, did you?”

“No, not at all,” said Kira with a bright, white smile. He licked his dry lips. “Um, come on in. Renji's in too.”

Shuuhei shook his head. “Nah, can't stay for long. Came to tell you some special news.”

“So... are you gonna share or are you gonna tease?” Kira's lashes fluttered.

“I'm the tease now?” said Shuuhei. He leaned closer. “I seem to recall a certain blond being really, really coy...”

“Shuu!” scolded Kira, desperate to remain calm and hid his nervousness as best as he could. “Tell me already.”

Shuuhei grinned and rubbed his nose against Kira's. “I am the new seventh seat of the ninth division.”

Kira's eyes widened. “Seventh?!”

Shuuhei's grin grew wider. “Yeah. Seventh. Imagine: telling people your hunky boyfriend's the seventh seat in the ninth division the day he was initiated as a full member.”

“Makes me all hot to think about it,” teased Kira as he planted a kiss on Shuuhei's cheek. The brunet growled in his throat and pulled Kira into a full-on tongue wrestle before letting him go.

Shuuhei flicked a tongue over his own lip before raising a brow. “Just a taste of our next dinner date. I gotta go back; there's still curfew for the newbies.”

“Good night, Shuuhei,” said Kira. There was an unfamiliar and uncomfortable sense of relief. _I'm guilty. I'm feeling guilty because I wanted to kiss Renji just now. Oh dear lords._ “Shuu, wait.”

“Hmm?” The dark-haired student jogged back. “What is it?”

Kira breathed in. “I... have s-something to tell you.”

“What?” smiled Shuuhei warmly. “If it's about this morning, I already heard. That was quite amazing, love.”

Kira fiddled with his fingertips. “Ummmm... Shuu, before you knocked?” He risked a glance at Shuuhei's ebony gaze. It was encouraging and curious. “Shuu, I almost kissed Renji just now.”

There was a complete silence. Kira didn't dare to look up, because he'd be looking into cold eyes and there would be a sneer of disdain. Regardless, he went on. “We were just play-fighting and-and we... we sort of got k-kinda entangled and he was really close and really, really appealing a-and I almost kissed him, I swear I didn't do anything, b-but I almost did, and if you're... I mean, don't be disappointed in me? Or angry, please? I know I'm rather... I-I-I get drawn into the, the sensual p-part of, um, I mean physical contact, it just...”

“I'm not angry nor disappointed, love,” said Shuuhei, tilting up Kira's chin. “Well, not that angry. Frankly, Renji better not step out of that room right now or I'll give him two black eyes. But... you didn't kiss him. You didn't, right?”

“I didn't, I swear,” said Kira. He clung to the strong arms and tugged him close.

“And did you want to do so before that moment? Or now?”

“No, no I don't,” repeated Kira. “Believe me, please. I was carried away by the moment but I didn't do anything. I don't want to do anything either; he's just a good friend, and he's not even the slightest bit interested, nor am I because I have you and that's more than enough-”

A finger on his lips silenced Kira's babbling. Shuuhei was laughing softly now. “I trust you, Izuru. And I trust him. Good night... dream about me.” Then he whispered something into Kira's ear and the blond suddenly flushed dark red. Shuuhei drew back. “Think that's enough to keep you focused on me?”

Kira bit his bottom lip and nodded rapidly. The dark-haired shinigami flash-stepped away, back to the division's quarters.

Kira, left alone on the corridor, took a deep breath before returning to his room. Renji was on his own bed now, his braid still in place. Before the blond could speak his redheaded roommate gave him a wry half-smile. “I heard,” Renji said. “And you're right. It was just the intensity of the moment.”

Relieved at his friend's understanding, Kira sat on his own mattress and resolutely pushed away all thoughts of silky crimson hair. They stared at the floor, the wall, the door... anywhere but made eye contact.

Kira coughed delicately. “Um.”

“Yeah.”

“Have you talked to Rukia since...”

“Once, twice. “ Renji breathed out slowly, face falling a little. “She's unreachable now.”

Kira knew what he meant. Rukia as a Kuchiki was no longer on the same social status with the rest of them. For the blond he was still able to meet with the noble, though he would probably have to use the side door. Renji would rate the back door, if at all.

The few occasions when Renji and Rukia passed each other in the halls or along the walkway – as they did today – they would still snatch a few precious moments to chat. But Kira felt that Rukia had put up too high a wall between herself and her best friend; it wasn't fair to Renji.

His best friend rolled his shoulders and then faked a grin. “Shall we sleep? Early morning tomorrow. And we have to go on our first runs of Seireitei too.”

“True,” said Kira. He got up to go brush his teeth. “Goodnight, Renji.”

“G'night.”

xxxxx

Kira felt as if his lungs was about to explode. The lane ahead was the last stretch; he inhaled and put on a last burst of speed. It was his third run, so he was confident of breaking his previous record of twenty-five minutes and three seconds.

According to their team leader Hasegawa, the maximum amount of time a shinigami was allowed to take on a run was thirty minutes. The fifth division's own limit was twenty-five. Kira sped up and slammed his hand on the gate. Time.

Katsumura the timekeeper grinned. “Twenty-two minutes and seventeen seconds. You made it, Kira.”

The blond smiled, keeping his breathing deep and controlled. He was familiar with the routes now. Tomorrow he would be delivering letters and forms to and from various offices.

It was really uncomfortable; his uniform stuck to his skin and he could feel the perspiration rolling down his face and neck. Pulling the collar of his uniform open, Kira fanned himself to cool off.

_Where are they?_

The team leader was giving them a ten-minute break to wash up. Kira glanced around, and then saw silver-hair.

Ichimaru-fukutaichou. Ichimaru-fukutaichou?

The lieutenant was gazing at him in pure admiration, eyes skimming from the blond's head past his collarbones, down to his exposed stomach. Kira pulled the uniform closed, his cheeks growing hot with that blatant stare. Ichimaru made a moue of disappointment when Kira tidied his uniform up, but sent him a very sexy wink when Kira's eyes made contact with Gin's gaze.

Kira looked away quickly, happy and thrilled.

“C'mon, Izuru,” said Renji. “We should shower.”

“Yeah, we should,” said Kira absently, tugging on his blond fringe.

xxxxx

After dinner Kira and Renji were about to go back to the dormitory. They had Intermediate Zanjutsu tomorrow and they had to report early. Kira thanked their team leader and the shinigami for teaching them today, and the other two repeated his words.

“See ya tomorrow, guys,” said Katsumura. His light brown hair flopped in his eyes and he flipped them out of the way. “Don't be late!”

“I won't,” promised Hinamori. She was staying at home over the holidays, so she had to run the other way to the gate. “Bye Renji! Bye Kira! See you tomorrow, have fun at the course!”

They were at the office gates. Renji waved the girl goodbye. Kira was feeling all over himself. The redhead watched as Kira felt in his sleeves, in his pockets, even looking down the opening of his uniform. “What's wrong, Izuru?”

The blond peered up at his friend. “I think I lost my chain.”

“Chain? Oh, the silver one you got from your mother?”

“Yeah, that one.” Kira was becoming increasingly frantic. “Have you seen it?”

Renji scratched his head. “I know you had it when we went into the bathhouse for our shower,” he said at last. “Did you have it when we went into the kitchens?”

Panicking, Kira rubbed his cheeks with his palms to calm down. “I don't know!” he said in a soft wail. “I think so.”

The taller student folded his arms. “I'll go check the kitchens, you go look in the bathhouse. Don't worry, we'll find it.”

They split up. Kira didn't want to ask his team leader to assist since he didn't want to trouble his seniors. Quietly he ran to the bathhouses, set outside; the lights were still on but there didn't seem to be anyone around.

He searched the locker room first, methodically moving from cubicle to cubicle. Nothing. With a small groan he wondered if anyone took it, but it was only silver, nothing valuable at all. Perhaps it was in the bathhouse itself...

Kira took off his shoes and sandals, slipping into the large, steamy room. Steamy? Kira wondered why the water was still hot when all the division were already in the barracks and preparing to sleep. Then he saw something glitter inside the water, near the edge. He crept closer and peered down, waving away the steam to identify the item. It was a chain. If not for the shallow water, Kira wouldn't have seen it at all.

The blond hesitated. He didn't want to get his clothes wet, but he would have to strip to go in and retrieve it. There didn't appear to be anyone about, so he quickly divested himself of his clothes and slid into the hot water.

Hissing with the heat, Kira took a breath and reached down to grope for the chain. After two or three tries, his fingers managed to hook it and he emerged, gasping. It was his chain, thank the lords.

“You startled me,” said someone cheerfully.

Kira squeaked and turned around. It was Ichimaru-fukutaichou, sitting on the edge of the bath, legs already submersed in the water. He was beautiful, silver hair dripping into his eyes and water droplets rolling down his neck. Kira's gaze moved of its own accord, following the lean curve and lines of the strong and slim arms, skating past the chest and down the flat abdomen and a little lower-

Embarrassed, Kira swiveled around and focused on breathing slowly. The lieutenant chuckled and there was a watery sound. He had entered the bath and cupped water to rinse his face. “What are you doing here? I thought everyone had gone home.”

“Uh... I dropped this,” muttered Kira, holding it up and showing the lieutenant. He didn't dare to face him though. “I, uh, erm, came to look for it and, and f-found it. I d-di-didn't mean to intrude on your bath-”

“Show me,” interrupted Ichimaru.

“Wh-what?”

“Show me the chain,” he repeated. Kira suddenly found a slender, pale arm reaching over his shoulder to take the chain from him which meant that his fantasy crush was right behind him and they were both naked and oh god Kira was about to start hyperventilating-

Ichimaru dangled the chain in front of Kira's face. “It's pretty.”

“Th-thanks, thanks sir,” breathed Kira and took it. Except Ichimaru didn't let go. “Um, sir, I-I should go, I have... I mean, I think Renji is still looking f-for-”

“Shh,” said Ichimaru. “Turn around, Kira.”

Kira couldn't disobey, not when the words were whispered into his ear and in such a soft tone. The blond swiveled about and was met by the lieutenant's blue-green gaze. Ichimaru draped the chain over Kira's neck and clasped it, his arms circling Kira's head and neck, his face dangerously close to the younger man's.

“There.” The silver-haired lieutenant smiled, tapping the pendant on the chain with a long finger. “Be careful with it – I see it is very important.”

“It-it is. Thank you sir.”

“Go on now,” said Ichimaru, dismissing him with a wave. Kira clambered out of the bath and scooped up his clothes, suddenly hyper-aware of his nudity. He could feel the lieutenant's eyes on him as he exited to the changing area to put on his clothes.

_Oh fuck. I'm going to go insane tonight._

_No, no no no. Bad Izuru._

_Think of Shuuhei, naked Shuuhei, naked and willing Shuuhei, naked and willing Shuu who is bound and begging... on deep red sheets, beneath me, writhing, pleading... naked and bound Shuu and Ichimaru-fukutaishou holding the ropes to tie me down as well OH MY GOD._

Kira shook his foggy head clear. He should probably run to Renji and then run home to dispel the images in his head. Otherwise, Renji would be hearing quite an interesting story when they slept.

 


	10. 10.

The early morning light stabbed into Kira's eye. One eye: the other remained resolutely shut. It felt good with his face pressed against Shuuhei's warm skin, listening to the regular breathing and the occasional sigh. His slim arm snaked across Shuuhei's firm waist, his fingertips identifying little weals and scratches he put there last night. The brunet shifted; he must have felt the sneaky touches.

Giving in to the inevitable Monday morning, Kira blinked and rolled off Shuuhei's chest. His head hurt – they really should sleep earlier on Sundays, and skip the boozing with Shuuhei's new division friends. Carefully he untangled himself from Shuuhei's sprawled form and sat up, stretching slowly to loosen kinked muscles.

“Shuu? Wake up.”

The dark-haired shinigami grunted and rolled over. Kira huffed affectionately and ran a fair hand up the exposed back. Shuuhei rumbled a murmur of contentment and arched towards the petting, but growled when Kira tugged on Shuuhei's hair. “Cut it out, 'Zuru. Wanna sleep.”

Kira leaned over and nibbled Shuuhei's ear. “Monday, Shuu. Time to go to work.”

“Can I not go?” grumbled Shuuhei, nonetheless sitting up. He scrubbed his spiky hair, getting it in some semblance of style. Kira raised himself on his knees and fussed over the spiky ends, while Shuuhei planted little kisses over Kira's stomach and chest. “I think I hate Mondays.”

“We had a good weekend, don't grouse,” scolded Kira before he stood up and pulled Shuuhei to his feet. “You have one and a half hours before you have to report, so brush your teeth, wash your face and get dressed.”

“Yes, babe,” said Shuuhei and nuzzled at Kira. Irritated, Kira shoved him lightly in the belly. Shuuhei frowned. “What? What?”

Kira raised a brow. “I am not your 'babe'. I am also not 'baby', 'honey', 'sugar' or whatever silly name you want to give me.”

“You're okay with 'darling' right? Or y'know, 'love'?” asked Shuuhei, already grabbing his toothbrush from his overnight bag. “I mean, I like terms of endearment. And I know I'll call you by some name that you won't like if you don't cut me some slack.”

Kira pouted. Then he wrinkled his nose and smiled shyly. “I like when you call me darling, especially when you drawl in that low voice just before-”

“-just before I grab you?” teased Shuuhei. “Like this, _darlin_ '?”

He lowered his head but the blond pushed his face away.

“Eugh! Morning breath!” complained Kira and twisted out of Shuuhei's grip. “Go! Wash up!”

Shuuhei grinned lazily. “Yes, sir. I listen and obey.”

xxxxx

Renji waved a morning to Kira as the blond jogged to the courtyard for morning drills. Hinamori was already there, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. They took their places at the back, where the squad they were assigned to were stationed.

“Morning,” said Onizuka. “How were your weekends?”

“Kira had a great weekend,” deadpanned Renji.

Katsumura in front of them was curious. “How do you know?”

The tall redhead smirked discreetly. “Oh I know. I totally know, even though I was kindly asked to go for a weekend stay with Hinamori's family.”

Kira kicked Renji's ankle and made a slicing motion across his throat. Renji got the hint and chuckled, all of them standing to attention when Ichimaru-fukutaichou came out. “Good morning people,” he greeted, his voice clearly carrying over the assembled shinigami.

“Good morning fukutaichou!”

He took the podium, his silver hair brilliant in the morning sun. Kira swallowed faintly as he remembered the way Ichimaru's hair had gleamed in the steamy light of the bathhouse. The lieutenant cleared his throat. “Taichou will be returning tomorrow. Clean up the division building: I don't want to see any stray fleck of dirt, any bit of grit, any speck of dust. Squads three and five, you're on alert for this week. Squad four, squad six, squad seven, interior today, you'll get new assignments tomorrow. Squads one, two, eight and nine, exterior and that includes the roof. Tomorrow onwards you're on patrol in Rukongai and out in the human world too. Squad ten, runners' duty as per last week. Any questions about today?”

“No, fukutaichou!”

“Secondly,” continued Ichimaru, “as the senior officers already know, I will be taking the captaincy test for the Third division on Thursday. As such, from now until Thursday I will not be available for field duty. If I pass the test, the officers who wish to apply for lieutenant seats may do so from next Friday onwards. If you wish me luck, you'd best prepare your resumes for Aizen-taichou after the captaincy test results are posted. You have until 1700 hours to get this place spic and span for my inspection, no later. Now for the drills, people. Yanaihara, you're on.”

xxxxx

After morning drill, Kira followed Hasegawa's lead and got ready for their running duties. There was a stack of messages and folders for the different divisions and even to individual families from shinigami posted to foreign Societies. The liaison office was always busy, and messages flew all over Seireitei, sometimes literally when the hell butterflies were used.

“Kira!” Katsumura called out. “Tenth Division, Matsumoto-fukutaichou to receive eight. Make sure they're signed for. Hinamori! Eighth Division, fifth-seat Yamasaki to receive. She has three from Dusza – don't ask me how to pronounce the second word, I can't – but they have to pass through the Translators' office first. Wait there: the package is from this office, don't rely on the Translators to deliver promptly. Abarai! Sixth Division, fourth-seat Kawamura to receive five. Onizuka! Second Division, Omaeda-fukutaichou to receive a parcel. Fragile and hand-deliver, sign for them also. Chiba!”

Renji, Hinamori and Kira trooped out with their packages, not waiting for katsumura to complete giving out the papers. Hasegawa signed them out, barking out the time to be recorded as each runner left the gate. It was to keep track of shinigami, Hasegawa had said, in case one or two decided to loiter a little too long outside. The division was accountable for every single member, and Aizen-taichou had always believed in efficiency and rewarded performers. Ichimaru-fukutaichou took the limit further, insisting on excellence and punishing slackers.

Even though they were mere interns, Kira knew he, Renji and Hinamori drove themselves as hard as they could to meet the demanding levels set by Ichimaru-fukutaichou. They bonded better, helping each other whenever one faltered. The other two interns stayed out of the way of the three, preferring to mingle with the ninth squad where Chuman had relations.

Despite his always-smiling exterior, the lieutenant was almost a machine, pushing each of the division members. Kira had gathered some information from Katsumura and Onizuka, the two shinigami slated to take charge of the interns in the tenth squad.

“ _Ichimaru-fukutaichou finishes his work on time. I've only ever heard of him slacking thrice, and each time he made up for it by working harder the rest of the week.”_

“ _Fukutaichou can be a total dictator, but at the end of it all he gets results. Taichou is willing to give grace, and the person who dares to ask taichou for an extension usually gets it. But no one does, because fukutaichou will load you like a camel for weeks afterwards.”_

“ _The one time I heard them fighting, the office was trashed. The next morning everything was cleaned up and perfect, like nothing happened.”_

The fourth location Kira had to deliver items to were the ninth – he swapped with Hinamori for the delivery. Running to the reception desk, Kira placed the envelope on the surface and beamed at the shinigami on duty. “Good afternoon, sir. I have a package for Hisagi Shuuhei, seventh seat.”

“I'll pass it to him personally,” said the dark-haired shinigami, rising from his chair. “I suppose I have to sign for him?”

“Mm-hmm.” Kira half-smiled. “And there's a message from me to him as well. Could you tell him too?”

Controlling his amusement, the young man leaned forward. “Certainly. What is it?”

Trying to keep his grin from betraying his news, Kira whispered into his ear.

The brunet shinigami paused, then drew back, before finally scoffing. “I think he won't be happy with this message.”

“Why not?” Kira inquired, baffled. “It's a good message. Very promising.”

Hisagi Shuuhei narrowed his well-shaped eyes. “A promise that won't be fulfilled until the end of the week. That's really a _good_ message.”

Kira smiled, eyes full of mischief. “My friend tells me that it's a lesson in patience, sir. Good afternoon to you.”

xxxxx

“I heard,” said Kira, “that the lieutenants are going out for a party tonight.”

“It's their last night of freedom before the captains come back,” said Hasegawa offhandedly as he finished the reports of the deliveries and receivables. “They do this every year. I'm tellin' you newbies, stay out of the bars tonight. They go all out to have a good time, and if you get caught up in their wake you're gonna end with the worst mother-lovin' hellover ever.”

“You sound okay with that,” commented Renji.

Hasegawa chuckled. “That's because I have been through that trial by fire.”

Hinamori traipsed in cheerfully. “Here's my log. And yes, before you say a single word, I'm happy he's coming back tomorrow. That does NOT make me a stalker in any way.”

“We didn't say nothing,” said Renji.

Kira shook his head. “Completely devoid of thought. Any thought.”

xxxxx

The next morning Hinamori was practically bouncing in her place as Aizen-taichou took the podium, back after a retreat in the mountains. He didn't look rested though; there were ashen shadows under his eyes that Kira noticed even at the back of the division.

“Good morning.”

“Good morning taichou!” chorused the division.

“Did you miss me? Don't answer that question,” he smiled. There was a short ripple of amusement. The division under Ichimaru-fukutaichou was efficient but humorless; with Aizen-taichou around, he usually had a bit of levity that made the difficult jobs seem a little more important and a little less tedious. Hinamori sighed with a little happy sound. Renji caught Kira's attention and both rolled their eyes. Aizen-taichou coughed. “I've brought souvenirs, which will come to you after I have briefed the squad leaders on some new policies. Don't get your hopes up about the souvenirs though; I had to sell my soul to get enough for everyone.”

Throughout Aizen-taichou's announcement the lieutenant's expression did not flicker. Although Kira hadn't been in the division long enough to know how Ichimaru-fukutaichou behaved usually, judging by the muted titters of the older shinigami in front of them the lack of interest was unusual.

Okada was looking thoughtful. Kira sidled half a step over. “What's wrong?”

“I've met taichou and fukutaichou outside of the division when I was helping Father during Omaeda family functions,” said Okada softly. “When taichou is around, there's an air of... I dunno, warmth. They radiate warmth, y'know; people like that. That's why the Omaeda family makes certain to invite them both and not just the captain. There's a welcoming atmosphere when they're together.”

Kira studied their leaders again. Ichimaru-fukutaichou appeared subdued, not even smiling. The day before he had been so excited about getting the division in shape for his captain. It did not make sense.

When the members had been dismissed for a break while the squad leaders were assembled for a short meeting, the five interns grouped together. Okada was prodded for more information.

The boy slouched a little. “I can't say how they are like in the division,” he temporized, “but they're not like this when they attend Omaeda dinners or celebrations.”

“What are they like?” asked Hinamori.

Okada scratched the back of his right ear. “Well, they're not lovey-dovey, as some people say they are. In fact they're very discreet, never really engaged in any, y'know, intimacy out in public.”

“Then what about the 'welcoming atmosphere'?” Kira inquired.

“They, um, they exchange glances – Madam goes all gooey and then, y'know, gushes about it to her friends very loudly – and a couple of times, when they disappear from the main room, I've caught sight of them-”

“What?” Renji pressed as everyone leaned in. “Were they going at it or what?”

Chuman made a face. “Yuck. I just had a really disturbing visual image.”

“Nothing wrong with that,” retorted Kira heatedly, his cheeks pink with embarrassment. “That was the custom in the time period they were born in.”

Okada sighed. “Let me finish?” When everyone nodded eagerly, he added, “They did not 'go at it', as Abarai said, but they would be holding hands and, once, just once, I saw them kissing. But I ducked away quickly.”

The first to straighten from their group huddle, Chuman shuddered. “I don't even want to think about it. Men with men... it's just wrong.”

“No it's not,” said Hinamori, jumping to her idol's defense. “I think it's sweet that they're so in love.”

“Whatever. I mean, they're great leaders, in my opinion, but it's unnatural,” said Chuman.

Renji cocked his head. “Hey, people have choices. It's not like we can actually have babies that easily, out in Soul Society. A child is born to, what, one in four, five hundred couples?”

“We don't have relations with women just for children, Abarai,” said Chuman.

The redhead nodded, but said, “But that's the basis for 'natural', right?”

“I just think it's wrong,” muttered Chuman. “What about you, Okada? Kira?”

“I never thought about it,” said Okada. “I mean, what other people do is up to them. I like women myself, but I know some of the noble families do have the practice of finding young men from different backgrounds as suitable lovers for the heirs.”

“And you, Kira?” asked Chuman. “What d you think?”

Kira peered up. “I'm in love with a man.”

Chuman and Okada were surprised. They hadn't heard about the relationship, since Kira and Shuuhei kept mostly to their circles.

The blond licked his lips. “I don't know if it's right, or wrong. I don't even know if I care.” Kira looked up, his azure gaze clear and firm. “No, I mean, I don't care if it's right or wrong. I just know that I care a great deal for him and he feels the same way. That's all there is. I think that's all there is for people like me. We just – we just love the people we love.”

There was silence after his little speech. Okada was suitably impressed by the way Kira had spoken. Chuman looked confused and rather cold. Hinamori patted Kira's hand. “Well said, Kira-kun.”

“Yeah, Izuru. That was... wow.” Renji grinned broadly.

Hasegawa materialized behind the crew of interns. “Done lollygagging? Let's get to work.”

xxxxx

By the next morning the rumors were flying freely and wildly all over the Gotei lower ranks. The main version was that, apparently, Ichimaru-fukutaichou had slept with Matsumoto-fukutaichou, and both their captains witnessed the incident. That would explain the tension that had permeated the division for the two days; everyone was afraid of setting off some emotional land mine.

Kira flat-out refused to believe the gossip-mongers. The lieutenant he knew and had seen working was loyal, dedicated and devoted to his work and to his captain. He _knew,_ down to his very bones, that Ichimaru-fukutaichou was innocent of wrongdoing. Any wrongdoing.

“But a number of shinigami saw Matsumoto-fukutaichou leaving their house with Kurosawa-taichou,” argued Katsumura. “I respect the leaders, but this is ridiculous. This is a, a scandal.”

Mesuda was walking by. “Stop talking about that, kids. We don't know what happened.” He raised his thick black brows in warning. “Seriously. Don't.”

“It can't have happened. End of story,” stated Kira, and pushed away from the table.

Hinamori stood up too. “I'm with Kira. I mean, this is Aizen-taichou we're talking about. It's not possible.”

Renji snorted. “Guys, it could've happened. Matsumoto-fukutaichou and Ichimaru-fukutaichou were involved, a long time ago. I heard they were married. They divorced a few days afterwards because-” The redhead murmured. “-because of taichou. This is actual fact; check with any of the older officers.”

Offended, Kira glared at Renji. “No. Whatever happened before, that was... before. Fukutaichou is evidently in love with taichou. Totally, completely, _utterly._ If you've seen how they look at each other, heard how they, how they talk to each other, sense th-the link between them, sense the bond they share. They love each other.”

“Why are you so defensive, Kira?” asked Chuman who had been lunching with them. Katsumura was rather shocked by the vehemence of the quiet blond's argument. Chuman glanced around. “It's not like we're condemning them or anything.”

Mesuda passed by towards the other end of the cafeteria but stopped at their table this time. “You guys still on that topic? I told you all to quit it. It's none of your business. Katsumura, you're the ranking shinigami here, cut it out.”

“Yes sir.” Katsumura saluted. “Let's just finish lunch, people. We still have reports to file.”

Kira stalked off, followed closely by Hinamori. Neither spoke, but Hinamori inveigled her way to sending lunch to the captain and lieutenant. Kira went off to clear up the backlog of received files.

The mundane job of sorting documents for different departments cleared his indignant anger a little. Chuman's query had been valid, but every time they repeated the accusations Kira had felt as if a new dagger had been thrown at the lieutenant. Yes, the lieutenant was flirtatious sometimes, but there was nothing behind the little actions. At their first Intermediate Zanjutsu lesson, Kira had witnessed the lieutenants Ichimaru and Matsumoto's zero contact. They worked together, but they were not working together as a team.

Kira exhaled heavily. He forced himself to breathe regularly and to calm down. It was none of his business, as Mesuda had reminded them. It was none of his business.

 


	11. 11.

****On the whole Kira thought he should be congratulated for not saying “I told you so” to all the doubters when Hinamori came back and told them about the captain and lieutenant snuggling in the office. Renji was still skeptical, however.

“They could be just putting up a front,” said the redhead that night while they got ready for bed.

Kira huffed. “What would be the point in that?”

“I don't know? Maybe to stop all the gossip around the divisions?”

“That's not possible.” The blond turned out the lights and snuggled into his sheets. Even in summer he needed a lot of warmth at night to sleep well.

Renji snorted. “You, my friend, are a pigheaded idealist.”

“And you are a, a doubter without an ounce of common sense.”

Renji didn't respond to the jibe, which only annoyed Kira more. Eventually he settled into uneasy sleep. The next morning would be another day of hard work.

xxxxx

When they attended the next Intermediate Zanjutsu class, Kira was astounded by how fast Ichimaru was teaching. He could barely understand his instructions, even with Renji helping the silver-haired shinigami to demonstrate. When they paired up for practice, Kira tried to copy Renji as much as he could and the red-haired young man muttered under his breath adjustments for Kira to make.

It bothered Kira that Renji was always picked for demonstrations – with Ichimaru. Although he knew his friend to be, by far, the best in class, Kira had found himself resenting the redhead's superiority. If he had to be honest with himself, Kira knew he was jealous that the lieutenant observed Renji a lot more than himself. And today, while they were showing the new set of motions, Ichimaru had actually held Renji's sword arm and guided it. Kira could only imagine what it would be like to feel cool breath dusting over his cheeks, a pale, strong hand clasping his fair one, just a shade darker, to brush against Ichimaru's firm body as they moved.

As it was, Kira had to satisfy himself with watching the lieutenant's graceful yet deadly sweep of the blade.

“Now try the three-step attack you just learned.” Ichimaru stepped back. Renji braced himself, keeping his knees bent and loose as taught, before attacking the captain-elect.

_Twak twaktwak._

Kira forced himself to focus. He had to join up these three strokes with what they learned earlier. As he watched he tried half-closing his left eye, watching only the lieutenant as he parried easily. Maybe he should grow out that fringe of his.

xxxxx

Outside the dojo Kira bounced on the balls of his feet. He really should not be doing this: it felt like a betrayal somehow, not telling Renji he was going to ask Ichimaru for help. But Renji, despite being a good instructor, was not the instructor. Kira breathed out, knowing that he was only trying to kid himself. He wanted time alone with the lieutenant.

Dreams had been plaguing him lately, dreams which featured Ichimaru more and more often. Shuuhei still showed up now and then, but it was a silver-haired smiling face that dominated his thoughts. Kira didn't confide in Renji nor Shuuhei about these dreams, somehow wanting to hog them to himself.

Still, he was lucky to have Shuuhei. Kira loved stealing kisses whenever they met up in the course of work and sometimes, if they were lucky, having dinner together. He liked Shuuhei, he really did, and here he was just asking the lieutenant for some help with the course.

The door slid open and Ichimaru stepped out. Kira bowed deeply. “Ichimaru-fukutaichou.”

“Yes, Kira?” The silver-haired captain-elect tilted his head and waited for Kira to walk up to him.

The blond bit the inside of his cheek. _To hell with pride: admit how stupid you are._

“Ichimaru-fukutaichou, I... I don't really understand what you meant earlier. Renji, I meant, Abarai-kun tried to explain but I couldn't get it.” Kira knew he must sound like an idiot now. Glancing at his feet he inhaled and bowed as low as he could. “Please, could you teach me again? I will try harder to understand!”

“Of course,” said Ichimaru readily. A slender, pale hand reached out to grasp Kira's chin and he straightened up. Ichimaru smiled. “The dojo is empty now and you don't have to be back until after lunch, is that so?”

Kira couldn't quite suppress the glee in his silly, wide grin. “Yes fukutaichou.”

The shinigami let go of Kira's chin. “Well then. Are you hungry?”

Although he was ravenous, Kira denied his hunger. He was betrayed by an angry rumble from his empty stomach and the captain-elect laughed.

“I think your stomach disagrees. Look, you trained for the entire morning, I've been talking and walking for the same amount of time, I think it's fair we give ourselves a break.” Ichimaru ran his hand over Kira's hair, messing it up a little. “I'll talk you through the principles over lunch, how about that?”

Kira's gaze had locked onto the lieutenant's knees the second Ichimaru's hand touched his hair. He let off a short laugh and stammered, “Th-thank you, fukutaichou. I-I, um... I guess I am rather hungry.”

Ichimaru ruffled Kira's blond hair again, evidently amused. When cool fingertips grazed Kira's ear he shivered, a tingle of excitement shooting down his spine. Ichimaru bent his head closer and whispered, “Tell you what: if you buy me some red bean dessert, I'll even tell you how to answer the homework I set you.”

The intimate tone sent little jolts of electricity racing into his groin. Kira covered it up with a nervous chuckle. “Fukutaichou, that would be wrong!”

The shinigami lieutenant smiled widely, his narrow eyes narrowing further into slits. It was an expression that should, by all logic, scared Kira, but the young student thrilled when Ichimaru took him by the elbow and steered them to the commissary's.

xxxxx

When they had finished lunch the lieutenant said he had to pay a visit to the fourth for a medical checkup and told Kira to return to the fifth division by himself. Kira returned the lunch trays and was surprised when he saw Shuuhei waiting outside the commissary's.

“Shuu? Why are you here? I thought you ate with your teammates!” exclaimed Kira, glad to see the dark-haired shinigami. He bounced forward and linked hands with Shuuhei. “You should've told me – I could have had lunch with you.”

“Wouldn't I have interrupted your cozy little meal with Ichimaru-fukutaichou?” said Shuuhei coldly.

Kira was baffled. “What do you mean? We'd love to have you join us; I'm sure fukutaichou wouldn't have minded.”

“I thought I told you to stay away from him,” said Shuuhei, shaking off Kira's hands. “And now I see you enjoying a meal with him alone. That doesn't look much like staying away.”

“I had a question for him after our lesson, and he invited me to join him for lunch.” The blond was annoyed now. “What was I supposed to do, say no? He's my fukutaichou and my instructor, that would have been unforgivably rude!”

“He's _yours_? Wow, that's new. I wasn't even aware that you and Ichimaru-fukutaichou had become such close friends. And here I believed you cared enough about me to listen to my concerns,” Shuuhei snarled. “More fool I.”

Kira was feeling more offended by the second. “What the hell are you going on about?”

“I'm going on about the fact that my boyfriend was talking and eating with someone I told him specifically to stay away from!”

“You are being ridiculous,” snapped Kira and strode away down the corridor. The brunet caught up and grabbed him by his shoulders, slamming him against the wall. Kira struggled. “Let go of me!”

“Kira Izuru,” said Shuuhei, leaning in, “stop talking to him. Stop seeing him. He is out to get you, Izuru. He wants you.”

Kira forced his way out of Shuuhei's grip. “Stop maligning him! He's just being nice. Is it that hard for you to accept that he can be a good man?”

“He's not.”

“You don't even know him,” retorted Kira, incensed now. “I've seen him in class and at work. He is an amazing guy and you have no idea what you're saying.”

“You don't know what _you're_ saying!” shouted Shuuhei. “He is used to playing with people's hearts, Kira. You think you know him? You've seen nothing of Ichimaru's true colors-”

“It's Ichimaru-fukutaichou to you, Hisagi Shuuhei,” hissed Kira, meeting Shuuhei nose to nose. “You will stop insulting someone who hasn't even laid a hand on you.”

The brunet looked as if he wanted to retaliate, but instead he narrowed his elegant eyes. “You will quit the internship program. You will quit the course; take it again the next time. You will not see him again in private.”

“Who are you to dictate those terms to me?” Kira's eyes widened with anger.

Shuuhei's scowl deepened. “I'm your lover.”

“Just because we've been dating for a few months and have slept together doesn't mean you own me.”

“You want _him_ to, don't you?” asked Shuuhei intently. “Izuru, I'm saying these things for your own good. You don't know what you're doing, getting close to him-”

“I know what I'm doing, and I don't need you to watch me like I'm a child!” snapped Kira and then sprinted off. Shuuhei was left staring after the blond.

xxxxx

“You alright?” asked Renji. “You seem rather angry.”

Kira stabbed the peeler into the root vegetable he was peeling. “I'm fine,” he snarled, every gesture fierce and furious. No body had been impaled as badly as the potato in Kira's hand.

Renji raised his eyebrows. “Whatever you say.”

xxxxx

The interns were signing out when the summons arived.

Hinamori was surprised. “We have to go too?”

“Alright,” said Okada, eager. “I didn't sign on to be a shinigami for the paperwork. C'mon.”

Renji nudged Kira who had just rammed the pen at the sign-in desk back into place. “Izuru, come on. We have to gather at the yard.”

The blond made no acknowledgment of his friend's words but stormed into the gathering space and took his place among the squad. Aizen-taichou was there, as was the lieutenant, and Kira felt a strong surge of indignant anger at Shuuhei. Ichimaru had been friendly and warm to him, helping him out and teaching him what it meant to be a shinigami. He hadn't made any advances towards Kira. How could Shuuhei impugn the lieutenant like that?

“ _Pretty Kira.”_

_The touch of slender fingers on the silver key pendant._

_A brush of knuckles on Kira's cheek._

“ _I like your hair color.”_

_A smile at the kido lesson._

Kira scowled so blackly that the few who were near him shifted aside a bit. The blond heard little of the briefing and followed Renji as they prepared to head out for their mission.

“Kira, you gonna send Shuuhei a message about us traveling out for a mission? He'll be waiting up otherwise.” Renji slipped on the carry-on bag of necessities for missions that they had been allocated early in their internship.

Though he was still annoyed at his boyfriend, Kira paused. “All right. I'll write him a note or something.”

 _'Shuuhei, I'm going with the tenth squad to somewhere in Rukongai. A real mission. I'll see you when I get back. Izuru.'_ Kira handed it to a shinigami on night shift duty and asked him to pass it to Hisagi Shuuhei when he arrived. Hinamori had caught sight of the terse note that Kira was writing.

“That's it?” she asked in disbelief. “If I got that from my lover, I'd be very upset.”

Kira tied on his bag with unnecessary vigor. “Good.”

xxxxx

Ichimaru, Kira and Renji were the first team, along with Usagi and Izanagi, two shinigami who had been in the division for three years. Kira guessed that they had been grouped with the lieutenant because they were interns; Hinamori, Chuman and Okada were with two seated officers Katsumura and Onizuka.

They reached the location, but it was already full dark. Hasegawa, who was the leader of the mission, conferred briefly with the lieutenant before telling the squad to set up camp. Kira, who had drawn lots from the pot as did everyone else, was to take the watch from midnight to two in the morning.

Looking around them Kira felt a slight unease. Tree branches had been ripped free, large clots of earth tossed all over the ground, and the noisily rushing river hid any suspicious sound. He had no idea how to stand a watch, even.

Without looking around, Ichimaru said, “The tent they erect is for a dozen. Go and rest until it's your turn for the watch.”

“Yes fukutaichou.” Kira exhaled slowly. He supposed Ichimaru would be on alert as well, being the ranking officer. He went to the large tent and slid in, finding a spot in the middle of the tent that was unoccupied. “Um, Katsumura-san?”

“Hmm?” Already the shinigami sounded drowsy. It must be a skill to fall asleep that easily, grabbing rest whenever possible.

“Do I just...”

“Sleep where there is space, wake when it's your turn, try not to step on people. That's about it,” said Katsumura and rolled over.

Kira breathed in, held it, then let out a silent sigh. He edged his way in between the two bulky forms and closed his eyes, wondering if it would be possible for him to fall asleep at all.

xxxxx

When he was nudged awake by Okada, Kira felt a strange rush of irritation. He blinked, grabbed his sword and stepped out. Where would be a good place to stand guard? Somewhere that was hidden from the eyes of others and yet allowed the sentry an unimpeded view.

Kira was proud that he recalled the tidbit of useful information from one of the lectures. As he walked into the forest, sword half-drawn and every step measured, he sensed a presence behind. It tapped his shoulder and Kira swerved about, blade drawn at throat level.

It was Ichimaru. He was smiling rather sardonically. “Good. You know what to do.”

Embarrassed, Kira lowered his sword. “I'm so sorry,” he whispered, “I didn't know-”

“You did the right thing.” Ichimaru tilted his head. In the light of the moon he was pale and indistinct, like a ghost. Ironic, considering that all shinigami were spirits. The lieutenant looked around. “You're looking for a place to stand your watch?”

“Yes fukutaichou.”

The lieutenant nodded and gestured for Kira to follow him. Ichimaru directed the blond to a place near the river. It was clamorous, the rush of foamy water fogging up his hearing, but Kira discovered that he could 'hear' better with his reiatsu.

The captain-elect leaned in close to speak to Kira. “Here. Watch for shadows – look into them, see if they fit. Keep your reflexes primed as they are now.” He touched Kira's cheek with a finger – Kira almost jolted but forced himself to keep still.

When Ichimaru had left him alone Kira let his senses expand, including his reiatsu, seeking any disturbance. The noise of the water helped him focus, in fact, and Kira reveled in the dampening spray of coolness about him whenever he faced the river.

Now that he thought about it, he regretted having been mean to Shuuhei. The dark-haired youth only wanted to protect Kira, after all. Kira supposed Shuuhei had been angry because he was jealous: the blond smiled a little, to think that anyone would be jealous over him.

However, the tone that Shuuhei had taken rankled. Kira told himself that Shuuhei wasn't being deliberately hurtful or trying to sound superior, that the older man had no idea how he would come across. Vexation rose in Kira: he wasn't a child to be protected against the big bad wolf, and Ichimaru wasn't a wolf anyway. Look how professional he had been, instructing Kira on the best places to keep watch. Even the touch on his cheek was just to ensure Kira was paying attention – it was the fault of the blond for being so responsive to every bit of contact.

xxxxx

When morning came Kira followed his team leader Ichimaru as they started to search for the hollow. Chuman had joined them, and Hasegawa rearranged the other teams so there were six in a group. No one spoke; Kira was trying to sense hollow reiatsu and knew the others were doing the same. So engrossed in their task were they that all of them were startled by their communicators' crackling to life.

“Fukutaichou, requesting backup for fourth team. Hollow engaged!”

Ichimaru paused and then headed southeast. Kira ran as fast as he could, afraid that he would lose sight of the lieutenant should he go into shunpo. It wasn't long before they located the fourth team.

Kira swallowed, trying to remove the acid taste at the back of his throat. He was jumpy and irritable, and the sight of a flat, white skull-like mask added a tang of disgust to the back of his throat. He had his sword drawn like the rest and he was itching to join in the fight – which, for Kira, was very unusual. The blond felt light-headed, his brain foggy and slow.

Ichimaru didn't waste time looking over the casualties, Shinsou arcing out to meet the hollow. To their collective surprise the lieutenant missed; the hollow had ducked at the very last moment, landing on the ground in a cloud of dust and dirt before sprinting away.

Renji and Chuman were already tending to the wounded. Kira jogged up to Shun who was unconscious and bleeding across his forehead. Something about the dark red liquid stirred Kira; he was shocked to find himself wanting to feel it in his hands, to tear it out of the hollow...

 _I'm not feeling well._ Kira drew his hand over his mouth. _I'm not feeling myself._

“Are you alright, Izuru?” asked Renji as he passed a damp rag over to Kira to wipe off the clotting blood.

Kira managed a smile. “I-I'm fine.”

The redhead looked concern and placed a palm over Kira's brow. “You're not running a temperature,” said Renji, “but your eyes are glassy. Maybe you should rest earlier when we break for camp.”

The leaders were discussing something and the interns were told to stay and watch over the injured. The second team was instructed to watch over them while Hasegawa, Ichimaru and Onizuka set off in three directions.

The blond, not wanting to appear weak, set about helping to set broken bones and fetch water for the injured shinigami. Hinamori folded back her sleeves to assist the shinigami in healing, muttering healing chants. Kira decided to follow her example to put his strengths to use.

xxxxx

When Kira woke for his watch he was soaked in perspiration and shaking. It was two hours to dawn, Renji having taken the earlier watch from him and insisting that Kira sleep for as long as he could, but the blond felt as if he hadn't rested at all.

The redhead was stretched out in the space beside Kira. The blond youth smiled down at his friend. Renji really would make an amazing boyfriend for any girl, except most of the dumb females were either intimidated by his fiery coloring or mistook him to be a rough-and-tumble kind of guy. Shaking off a vague sense of nausea and vertigo, Kira grabbed his sword and headed to the meeting place. Ichimaru was already there and all four sentries reported. The lieutenant sent each of them to a secluded spot that had good vantage points.

Kira found himself near the river again, in the shadow of a tall fir. The tremors were worse now and the blond tried taking deep breaths to calm himself. It was easier to breathe out here, away from all the rest of the squad. Kira attempted to sort out his thoughts, but they were running into each other in a most disorienting manner. His hands felt cold and hot and damp all at the same time. Kira scrubbed his palms on his thighs, his shoulders tensing up with every movement.

The cool of the river spray was not helping. After a while he felt someone tapping his shoulder.

“Kira?”

Kira shivered and swiveled around. “Fukutaichou.”

Ichimaru peered closely at the young man. “What's wrong?”

Kira couldn't think clearly now. “N-nothing, fukutaichou,” he lied, trying not to see the concern on Ichimaru's face.

The lieutenant took Kira's chin and tilted his face up. “Nothing? You're trembling and clammy.” When the silver-haired shinigami covered Kira's cheek with his hand Kira grimaced and shook the tender caress off. Ichimaru walked closer. “Something's wrong with you.”

“I-I'm fine.” _Please, don't come any nearer._ “I just feel restive, I don't know why.”

A pale, cool hand tested Kira's forehead, the back of the hand softer than Kira imagined. Ichimaru shook his head. “You're burning up, but your skin is cold. You might be coming down with a cold – but no, you were fine in the day.”

Kira could not bear the sensation of Ichimaru's skin on his: it prickled and teased at his nerves. Disregarding courtesy, Kira pushed his officer's hand away. “I'm sorry, but...” he was not really able to breathe anymore; “I-I can't seem to think when – fukutaichou, you have to step away, please... my head-” His mind swam and Kira tried to walk away. His legs gave out.

Ichimaru caught him around the middle. “Oh dear. Oh dear. Kira, how are you in kido?”

“Kido?” Why was he asking about kido? “I... I tied for top position with Hinamori.”

Ichimaru was embracing him now, supporting Kira as best as he could. “That's bad. No one has warned you?”

“Warn me?” Kira was thoroughly confused now.

The lieutenant was stroking Kira's back and hair, reassuring him. “Sometimes when a person is very good at reiatsu manipulation, as you are, he or she might be affected by the reiatsu of those about them. I'm sure there have been occasions where you felt as if you're responding to something unsaid but it's in the atmosphere?”

Kira swallowed. “Y-yes.” He recalled Friday's argument with Shuuhei – Kira had responded to more than the words themselves. However whatever he was responding to now was far exceeding the anger he sensed that afternoon. “But this is, this is crazy. I'm... I feel like, like there are a dozen different... I don't know what I'm saying, I just...”

Shushing Kira's babblings, Ichimaru lowered Kira to the ground. Kira's face was turned to rest against the crook of the lieutenant's neck. Light, warm scent wrapped about him and Kira shuddered involuntarily. This was too much for his overheated brain to handle – yet he was calming down, he didn't feel like dozens of needles were squirming under his skin. Ichimaru said, “You're excellent at kido so you're more susceptible to everybody else's mood threading through their reiatsu. They're all on edge now, and you're picking up the signals.”

“But Hinamori-” protested Kira weakly.

“-is resting in a tent with the only other two girls in this squad, far from the men.” Strong fingers combed through Kira's short hair, sending tingles down his spine. “She's probably just a little more tense than normal. But you, in a tent with half a dozen guys, all of them young, virile and eager for the fray... you're picking up the tone of their, how should I say it? Their urges and needs, reflected in their reiatsu.”

Suddenly Kira understood what the captain-elect was saying. He wished there was a hole he could bury himself into. “Oh gods... Is that why you stay away from the tents?” blurted Kira.

“Yes, actually,” answered Ichimaru, not at all put out by the impertinent query. “I'm sorry, I should have told you.”

Kira could feel every beat of Ichimaru's heart, cradled against the slender form as he was. Whenever the lieutenant spoke Kira wanted to move closer, curl up into his embrace. Taking deep breaths was not helping; each inhalation suffused Kira with the indefinable scent of Ichimaru Gin. As the lieutenant murmured reassurances Kira's resistance melted: every time the fingertips stroked over his hair there was an almost-touch with his ear. Oh gods; the blond knew he was hardening. Was it his imagination, or was Ichimaru hugging him tighter?

“You have to work that edge off, Kira,” muttered Ichimaru. “I'll keep a lid over your reiatsu while you do so.”

Kira blinked up at the lieutenant. “Fukutaichou?”

Ichimaru only smiled with gentle understanding, his hand dropping and brushing over Kira's erection. The blond inhaled sharply and shuffled back, but was obstructed. Ichimaru soothed him with a touch on his hip. “I can stand elsewhere if it bothers you,” he offered.

“I'm sorry-” gasped Kira, mortified beyond belief.

He grinned and kissed Kira on his clammy brow. “It's normal.”

At the contact Kira pressed his face to Ichimaru's neck. He was aching with need, and he couldn't let go. It was shameful, he knew, but if the lieutenant left Kira was afraid he'd lose control and the others would hear. “Please, don't leave me. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry...”

“It's alright, Kira,” whispered Ichimaru. Kira felt a surge of gratitude: how was it possible for the lieutenant to be so understanding? “Relax. Relax. Breathe. I'll help. You just try to relax, release the tension. Breathe as steadily as you can.”

The blond youth almost cried out aloud when Ichimaru shifted Kira into his lap. Strong fingers loosened the knot of Kira's belt, occasionally grazing the blond's need, and Kira wet his lips with his tongue. “Fukutaichou... if you could... shut your eyes, please.”

Kira lowered his left hand, his right hand grasping the front of Ichimaru's uniform and holding the lieutenant close so that Kira's torso was pressed against the slim man's. At the first touch of his trembling fingers Kira shuddered. His eyes were squeezed tight as he moved his hand methodically, trying to work off the tension. Fighting an urge to cry out, Kira swallowed the groan and was shushed by the lieutenant as well. He could feel Ichimaru hardening under him too and that spiked Kira's lust. It wasn't important that there was a hollow out there now, that they were in the open, that there was someone waiting for Kira back in Seireitei. Ichimaru was here, and he _wanted_ Kira, Kira could feel the evidence pressing into him and in the green-blue regard. The blond felt the slight shivering and tensing in his thighs and he opened his mouth, encountering skin and sucked on it greedily, lapping up an unfamiliar salt and scent, before biting into it tentatively.

“Kira.” That sigh caused Kira to clutch harder at the material in his right fist, his left hand moving faster, more urgent. He moaned aloud into soft skin when a cool hand on his hip flattened and gripped him closer.

“Gin,” Kira realized who it was that was touching him. “Gin!”

“Easy, Kira, easy now...” murmured a soothing voice while that other, strange hand kneaded the firm muscles and rubbed over the sensitive hipbones. There was something poking him under his thigh and Kira wriggled into it, his teeth not letting go of their prize. He was muttering something from between his teeth, and he was not even certain it was himself making the soft, demanding noises.

A few more strokes and then a hard press into his slit pushed Kira over the edge, fingers spasming. The blond locked his cry of release deep in his chest, drawing blood into his mouth from that bit of skin he had not let go of.

When the haze of orgasm passed, Kira felt the tension drain out of his body – and realized what he had just done. He looked up to see a smiling face, shadowed by silver hair. _Oh gods, oh gods oh gods... oh gods. I just... I can't believe I just – oh my god._ He blinked rapidly, trying to clear the damp from his face. It had felt like hours, though probably less than half an hour had passed since the lieutenant tapped him on the shoulder. What was Kira going to say?

“I-I'm so sorry, fukutaichou, I... I don't know what came over me, I didn't mean to-” The young student placed his right hand over his mouth and wanted to get up, only to discover he had yet to pull on his hakama properly. Ichimaru's left hand was still between Kira's thighs and Kira blushed at the sight of his exposed manhood partly shielded by the lieutenant's soiled palm. Kira wanted to die of embarrassment. “I'm so sorry, I really am, I didn't-”

“Shh. It's not your fault,” assured Ichimaru softly. When Kira's tears rolled down his cheeks, accompanied by sniffles Ichimaru scolded, “Stop crying or they'll think I raped you or something.”

Kira inhaled shakily and forced himself to calm down. The lieutenant lifted his right hand as if to brush his hair from his face, but paused. Then, in an almost clinical manner, Ichimaru trailed two fingers through Kira's come. Kira bit his lower lip, wondering if the lieutenant would shove him off in disgust. Instead Ichimaru brought his hand to his mouth and tasted Kira's seed from two fingertips.

The pale blond stopped breathing. It had been the sexiest thing he had ever seen in his life, that pink tongue emerging from thin lips and licking Kira – _Kira –_ off slim, elegant fingers. Kira stared, hypnotized, studying the defiled hand to a parted mouth and then to eyes that appeared black in the darkness. Kira licked the inside of his lips: how would he taste in Ichimaru's mouth?

Ichimaru raised an eyebrow, waiting for Kira to make the next move.

 _You want him to, don't you?_ Shuuhei's mocking words slammed into his brain and the blond swallowed, answering Shuuhei in his mind.

_Yes, Shuuhei. I want him to._

 


	12. 12.

****Shuuhei scratched his cheek in an absentminded way as he browsed through the notes prepared for the mission. It was going to be such a drag, having to be stationed in the human world in the coming month overseeing the regular duties, but it was his time to shine and show that he wasn't seventh seat only because of his grades in the Academy.

As he slid his dormitory door open Shuuhei kicked over a sandal. He righted it with his foot before he paused. His roommate was out on the human realm mission Shuuhei was going to relieve. There shouldn't be anyone here. Puzzled, the dark-haired shinigami proceeded to remove his own sandals and socks.

When a pair of slender, pale arms looped over his shoulders Shuuhei smiled and leaned back, peering up into the face of Kira Izuru. The blond was smiling a little tiredly. “I'm home.”

“Welcome back, Izuru,” said Shuuhei, pulling his young lover down for a kiss. Kira waited until Shuuhei stood up again before he hugged his dark-haired lover tightly. Shuuhei buried his nose in Kira's hair and wrinkled his brow. “Just got back?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Go take a shower,” ordered Shuuhei. He half-expected Kira to be annoyed by that tone, but the blond meekly trudged out of the dormitory with a blue bath towel, heading for the communal shower room. Shuuhei was a little puzzled, but he put it down to their fight on Friday that had yet to be resolved.

xxxxx

Kira let the tepid water rinse away the grime that stuck to his body, but he still felt dirty. All the way down to the bone. He shouldn't have went on that night in the forest, but the moron that he was he gave in to temptation. If the silver-haired captain-elect hadn't stopped Kira, how would Kira be able to face Shuuhei?

Even now, earlier in the room, Kira could not even look Shuuhei in the eye for more than ten seconds. The shame and guilt had burned like acid into his soul and Kira squeezed his eyes shut now, refusing to acknowledge his conscience. He turned off the tap and stepped out, wondering if he was doing the right thing in coming to Shuuhei's place. But if he went back to his own room, Renji would be there and Kira honestly could not answer Renji's questions right now.

Shuuhei would have questions too, but at least with him, Kira knew how to divert the topic.

xxxxx

Hisagi Shuuhei wondered why Kira had come here instead of staying in his own room. Not that he was complaining: the brunet still felt guilty for the way he acted last Friday. He didn't blame the terse note Kira sent – he was amazed that the blond had sent him any message at all.

Kira had come back from the shower, his hair still damp and skin pink from scrubbing. He smiled faintly at Shuuhei as he dried his hair with the thin towel he grabbed from Shuuhei's cabinet, but the older man took over the task and scrubbed the moisture from Kira's head.

“Shuu, I can – oommph – do it myself,” laughed Kira.

“Let me pamper you,” cajoled Shuuhei. Kira smiled, more relaxed, and rested his head against his lover's torso, luxuriating in the feel of strong hands caressing him. When the towel stopped he whined a little and then peered up into Shuuhei's unsmiling face.

“Shuu?”

“Izuru,” said Shuuhei seriously, “I apologize for what I said. I had no right to dictate what you do. I'm sorry.”

Kira's smile wobbled and he buried his face against Shuuhei's stomach. “I'm sorry, Shuuhei. I know you're concerned. I'm sorry.”

“Shhh, hush, love.” The dark-haired shinigami was touched by Kira's affection and pulled the slender blond to his feet. “Oh, honey, don't cry, 'zuru, love, shh.”

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” babbled Kira brokenly. When his lips were claimed by his lover he opened his mouth willingly.

Shuuhei led them to his side of the room and gently sat them both down. Kira was sniffling softly, eyes red-rimmed and cheeks blotchy. Tenderly Shuuhei rubbed the tears away with his palms and kissed Kira until he was a little calmer. The younger man clung to Shuuhei, nuzzling under the angular jaw, nibbling at the soft flesh.

“Izuru, I have to work tomorrow,” chided Shuuhei half-heartedly. Kira ignored him, working his pale hand into the gap between the layers and sliding it down to widen the expanse of bare skin available to his attention. Kira licked and sampled random patches of flesh and sucked hard, marking Shuuhei in a manner that was almost ferocious. Shuuhei tried to deny the seduction but felt himself reacting to a particularly delicious licking near the back of his neck. When that cool hand began pressing into Shuuhei's lower abdomen and sneaky fingers dug beneath the belt, the older shinigami couldn't take it anymore. With a low growl and a sudden flip, he was straddling Kira's slim hips and grinding down repeatedly.

“I said,” he hissed, “I have work tomorrow.”

Kira's wide blue eyes widened further. “Sh-shuuhei, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-”

“You don't have the right to call me Shuuhei, Kira Izuru. I am a seated officer,” rebuked Shuuhei, his erection rubbing against the blond's at an even more urgent pace. Slowly he lowered himself until he was almost chest to chest with Kira. Shuuhei braced himself by gripping Kira's shoulders. He murmured, staring right into Kira's eyes, “How do you address a seated officer, Izuru-kun?”

“S-s-sir,” whispered Kira, hypnotized. “I'm sorry sir, I'm sorry.”

“Strip,” ordered Shuuhei, taking a seat on Kira's left. The young blond hastily obeyed, an unfamiliar thrill at the aggressiveness Shuuhei was displaying. Those dark, canted eyes never left Kira's face. Shuuhei unfolded his arms and leaned back on his elbows, smiling languidly. “Undo my belt.”

“Yes, sir.” Kira swallowed as his fingers released the knot in the plain fabric. He blinked a few times to calm the heat in his face, but instead his gaze fell to Shuuhei's arousal and stayed there. He swallowed again, his mouth dry.

Shuuhei traced a finger up his erection. “You want this, Izuru-kun?” When Kira didn't answer, Shuuhei's finger tilted Kira's chin up. “Answer me.”

 _Gin tilts my chin up with two fingers._ The thought invaded Kira's mind and was hastily pushed away. He pressed his lips together and nodded his head. “Y-yes sir.”

“Good. Take it then.”

When Shuuhei commanded Kira to go down on him, the blond made sure his attention was fully on his lover. His actual lover. Shuuhei filled his mouth and Kira sucked hard, wanting to bring pleasure to this man who loved him. Swirling his tongue around the head as he slid up and then sucking hard as he moved lower, Kira began to feel a fogginess about him. This was right, kneeling between Shuuhei's feet, nose brushing dark, springy curls as he bobbed down, suppressing the gag reflex while making sure Shuuhei could feel as many different sensations Kira could conceive as possible. When it became difficult to move his mouth Kira focused on kissing and licking the engorged head and the thick throbbing vein, his clever fingers massaging tender erogenous areas, discovering new sensitive spots with every move.

Shuuhei was breathing heavily. “Enough.” When Kira looked up, he was startled by the feral glint in Shuuhei's eyes. The dark-haired shinigami licked his lips and said, “Kneel down on the bed.”

“Yes sir,” panted Kira, aroused to aching point. Without waiting to be instructed he lowered himself to his shoulders and tilted his hips more invitingly. Shuuhei moved behind him, strong, warm hands gripping slim hips. After some cursory preparation Shuuhei thrust in, and at the strangled cry that erupted from Kira's throat, pushed in harder.

The throaty burble grew into impassioned whines and cries. Each time Shuuhei slid deeper in him, Kira could feel the guilt ebbing away. He needed this. He needed Shuuhei, this fire, this possessiveness that showed itself with every lick and kiss and stroke and grab and bite and _\- oh gods, gods, Shuu, I need you, harder please, please, harder, more, let me forget what I did, claim me again, make me yours again, please please please... oh gods I'm sorry forgive me forgive me take me again harder harder hurt me the way I deserve to be I'm sorry..._ “Shuuhei!”

At the sound of his name on the blond's lips, Shuuhei felt Kira clench about him and his vision darkened, the dark-haired shinigami burying his face in sweet-smelling sweat-drenched skin. This was it, this was why he could never let Gin take Kira away. He could only manage a few more thrusts before he went rigid, emptying into his lover, and then carefully, gently easing out with a pleasant fog wrapped about his brain. After some moments Kira rolled over gingerly and snuggled in, lips brushing Shuuhei's, whispering grateful thanks. They twined together and Shuuhei dragged the blankets up.

“I'm gonna be tired tomorrow at work,” he grumbled without real complaint.

“I shouldn't have bathed,” mumbled Kira. “I'm all sticky again.”

Shuuhei chuckled. “And whose fault is that?”

All his life, Shuuhei had never wanted to keep something to himself the way he wanted Kira. He was born in poverty out in Rukongai. He had nothing that was truly his, other than his spirit. Even his body was a tool to earn money and food until he got to the academy, but by then it was Seireitei's to use as a shield and protector. But this: the sensation of Kira's warm, soft skin, evidence of his careful upbringing; the passion of the younger man's response; the press of tender lips to his; the glimmer of bright blue eyes that appeared melancholic and brooding... Shuuhei wanted all these.

Kira was murmuring something incoherent. His lover ran loving hands over the sweep of the blond's back. “Izuru, darlin'.”

“Yes?”

“I love you.”

Shuuhei didn't know what he was expecting, but he definitely was not expecting the fierce kiss that Kira pressed to his mouth nor the long legs wrapping about him again. The kiss grew insistent and demanding, wet, hot tongue forcing its way into his mouth and exploring every crevice, stroking the inside of his cheeks and swallowing the surprisingly meek moans elicited from Shuuhei. The brunet was finding it hard to breathe, going lightheaded, and when Kira slid from his mouth to lavish the rest of his body with affection Shuuhei decided that maybe he could afford a day of exhaustion.

xxxxx

Kira woke up to an empty bed and a growling stomach the next morning. He was aching in more places than was possible; some muscles that had never been abused were waving their protest flags and looking for compensation. Allowing his head to fall back, Kira breathed in the scent of Shuuhei from the pillow. It was fresh, like forests and snow, and musky at the same time.

_A scent so light it's almost undetectable, wrapping around you like a single silk thread. Round and round and round it goes, where it stops nobody knows..._

Kira bit his lower lip to force the remorse away. It was over. It had been an accident, it had... it had been an impulse that he should never have acted on. But Gin had been so sweet: gentle and understanding, reassuring Kira, keeping him safe. And the feel of Gin's hands on Kira had driven away the nerves and fear, soothing him at his most vulnerable-

The blond bit his lip again. “Not Gin,” he reminded himself under his breath. “It's Ichimaru-fukutaichou. Ichimaru-fukutaichou. Ichimaru-fukutaichou.”

“ _Pretty Kira.”_

“Shuuhei loves me.”

“ _It's alright, Kira.”_

“Shuuhei loves me,” Kira repeated, more insistently.

“ _I'll help.”_

Kira squeezed his eyes shut. “He loves me,” he said again. “Shuuhei loves me.”

“ _Pretty Kira.”_

“No,” whispered the blond, fingers gripping the pillowcase, inhaling deeply the fragrance of his lover. “Shuuhei loves me. _He loves me_.”

And yet that silky voice lingered, a mere ghost of a whisper at the edge of hearing, never releasing Kira from its spell.

xxxxx

He was walking about aimlessly. After a quick return to his room to change and freshening up, Kira decided that it was better to be out and about than stay in and be plagued by thoughts and doubts. To his surprise he saw Ichimaru-fukutaichou in his shinigami uniform, walking with Aizen-taichou half a block away.

His heart pounded madly. _I don't think I can handle meeting them now._ Quickly Kira ducked behind a wall and leaned on it. He supposed the lieutenant wouldn't want to see him either; at the debrief, Ichimaru-fukutaichou had deliberately turned to look elsewhere. Kira could understand the feeling. He could barely manage meeting Shuuhei's eyes.

“... total bitch has been doggin' my footsteps like it was the trail to her beloved Yoruichi-sama. And you made nice with the likes of her?”

Kira was surprised to hear that tone from the captain-to-be. Ichimaru-fukutaichou did come from Rukongai, and still carried a hint of the accent in his speech, but to hear the silver-haired lieutenant actually cursing was a rude shock.

“Respect, Gin. She has been captain for a long time.” That was Aizen-taichou's voice, low and firm.

Ichimaru-fukutaichou snarled. “I've sat on my ass a long time too. Do I have to show it respect too?”

“She is your senior. You know better than that. For heaven's sake, Gin, act like the captain you're going to be.”

“So I have to alter who I basically am to become what they want me to be? Change myself to fit their expectations? Screw them.”

Kira was flushing. This was not a conversation he should be overhearing, but the two officers were not really keeping it down. Or rather, Aizen-taichou was trying to be discreet but Ichimaru-fukutaichou sounded too agitated to care.

“... being ridiculous. Why are you so riled up over nothing?”

“Because it's everything to me! Why doesn't it bother you? Why doesn't it seem to matter to you that I have only a month left by your side? Why am I the only one caring and hurting?”

 _Hurting?_ Kira wondered why Ichimaru-fukutaichou would be hurting. He was going to be captain soon... wait. That would mean he would no longer work in the fifth division under Aizen-taichou's command. And there was that old law about... something about maintaining professional distance and the forbidding of captain-to-captain relationships... _That would mean they can't be together if Ichimaru-fukutaichou becomes a captain._

So absorbed in his own thoughts Kira missed a substantial part of their exchange. When he resumed listening, feeling rather bad about doing so but too curious to walk away, it was the lieutenant again.

“...with every single move and in every single glance. I am always being guided, being sheltered, being taught. Maybe I don't need you to _protect_ me, Aizen-taichou, I know what the hell I am doing!”

“Really. Fine then. I'll stay out of your way while you make all the decisions you want, Gin. And maybe you'll get used to the foot that's going to live in your mouth.”

Kira breathed out carefully. He had never heard that tone from either officer before in the division. He supposed it was an awakening of sorts: their relationship wasn't as perfect as Kira had imagined. The captain and the lieutenant both stormed away from each other, and Kira risked a peep from behind the wall.

The lieutenant was headed to the lake, judging by the direction he was going. On a whim the blond decided to follow, three blocks behind. If the lieutenant was scanning reiatsu he might discover Kira, but from the argument earlier Kira doubted Ichimaru-fukutaichou was in the mood to do anything more than brood.

It was a idyllic time of day at the lake. Kira remained in the shelter, watching from afar. He wondered if it would be presumptuous to go up to the lieutenant now – Ichimaru-fukutaichou might find his presence repugnant. But to leave when it was obvious that he needed comfort...

“Shuuhei?” mouthed Kira silently when his lover strode by the lake and was hailed by the lieutenant. The two appeared to know each other; Shuuhei sat on the grass beside Ichimaru-fukutaichou.

Kira nibbled on the inside of his cheek. They were more than acquaintances, he was sure of it. Their body language spoke volumes: the lieutenant's shoulders were relaxed, head tilted towards Shuuhei, casting him glances every now and then; Shuuhei the picture of alert concern, watching the older man as Ichimaru-fukutaichou spoke. Then the silver-haired man stood and brushed off his hakama, before running his hand through Shuuhei's spiky hair. By the look on Shuuhei's face, it was obvious this was not the first time Ichimaru-fukutaichou had touched him so familiarly. And by the look on Ichimaru-fukutaichou's face, this was not a deliberate caress, but a normal touch between... between...

“ _Ichimaru-fukutaichou isn't someone you can understand, Kira.”_

“ _But he makes me uneasy.”_

“ _Try not to be too close to him.”_

“ _Stop seeing him. He is out to get you, Izuru. He wants you.”_

Kira froze, unable to breathe properly. His hands were shaking slightly and he was cold. It wasn't supposed to be making sense, except it was terribly clear what sort of history they had.

Shuuhei and Ichimaru-fukutaichou had slept together before, Kira was dead certain.

“And he wants _me_ to stay away from _him_?”

 


	13. 13.

Kira strolled along the streets, not quite certain where he should go. He had gone back, hung up his cleaned laundry, checked on the dormitory's mailbox and left without speaking to Renji – the redhead had tried calling him but Kira ignored his friend completely.

It hurt to think.

Somehow his feet found the way to his parents' graves. He understood why: he had always found the presence of his father and mother soothing and welcoming. He could always pour out his thoughts and feelings here.

“Mother, father,” he began, then stopped. How was he supposed to continue? He sat down in front of them, heedless of the grass stains that were sure to dirty his pants. He took out the silver pendant given him by his mother. “Mother, father, I need your advice.”

And everything that had been swirling in Kira's mind came gushing out. From the fact that he was attracted only to men, and was now seeing a shinigami; from that one night in the forest with the silver-haired lieutenant to what he just witnessed by the lake; from his confusion to his guilt to his anger to his sorrow... Kira talked.

“... I don't know what to do anymore,” he finished softly. “I can't... I can't confront Shuuhei, because I think, I'm pretty certain he loves me. And I don't want to lose that. But... but he gives me a hard time about Ichimaru-fukutaichou, and part of me knows I deserve it, and I wish – I wish... and Ichimaru-fukutaichou is... he's so _nice_ to me, and I wonder if Shuuhei is correct about him wanting me, to play with me, or if they're still involved, and I... I don't know what to do anymore.”

He wasn't expecting a reply, obviously, but he felt better having spilled his thoughts to his parents. As he got to his feet and brushed off the bits of vegetation on the seat of his pants, he was startled by the crash of someone through the bushes.

A kido spell hovered just before his fingertips, and it was with great effort that he didn't fire at the intruder immediately. As the person straightened, Kira was somewhat relieved that it was only Renji.

“I wondered where you had gone,” said the redhead. “You looked so strange I just had to follow.”

Kira shook his head and sighed. Then he managed a lopsided smile. “Thanks, Renji.” The blond frowned. “Did you eavesdrop?”

“I heard a bit at the front and then scooted off,” clarified Renji hurriedly. “If I'd known you were comin' here for a full-length confession, I'd have gone off for a drink or sumpin'. Thing is, I didn't wanna leave you here to walk home alone – and there's a hollow behind you.”

Kira ducked and rolled as Renji fired his badly-controlled Shakkahou at the hollow that crashed into the spot where Kira had been just seconds ago. The immense reiatsu that Renji found hard to fine-tune worked to his advantage this time: the fireball exploded in the mid-sized hollow's eye socket, sending it sprawling.

While Renji slowed it down, Kira recited the chant and then shouted, “Sokatsui!”

Blue reiatsu exploded around the hollow and it shrieked. Unfortunately it did little to dissuade the creature from attacking: long spikes from its three forelimbs smashed down, barely missing the tombs. Kira and Renji darted each to one side, hoping the hollow would hesitate in selecting a victim, but it chose Renji immediately.

The blond chanted again, as quickly as he dared, and then let fly another hado spell. It hit the hollow unerringly at the base of its skull. It roared and swiped at Kira, who flash-stepped to the left and then fell behind again as the hollow sprinted after Renji – it probably thought it safer to attack the one who could not defend himself properly. Renji, not having a weapon on him, had to keep running, and Kira was grateful that his friend made sure to lure the hollow from his parents' graves.

The three of them made a straight line: Renji dashing in front, his hair tie lost in the frantic chase and his flame-red hair a mass of color in the darkening sky; the hollow, its spiked limbs tearing up the ground as it thundered after Renji; Kira firing off kido and hado, but never managing to slow down the hollow for more than a few seconds. He wished he had a zanpakuto with him – there was no way he could purify the creature without one.

With a grunt Renji fell when a spike slashed out and caught him along his shoulder. Kira sprang in front of Renji and released a binding spell, but without time for the incantation the spell was broken in a second. As the hollow loomed over them, Kira prepared in his hands all the destructive reiatsu he could gather. The limbs lifted and smashed down. Kira fired.

One of the spikes was blown clean off, but the other now impaled itself through a leg. Kira and Renji stared as blood sprayed from the wound.

“Ikorose, Shinsou.”

A silver spear shot out and stabbed the hollow into the singed eye socket, before the sword's edge turned and slashed through the mask, destroying it utterly. The hollow uttered a final cry before dissipating.

Ichimaru Gin collapsed backwards. “You guys really hafta stop getting' into such situations,” he said with a smirk, before toppling over onto his back. Renji moved over first,while Kira got his breath back.

Hastily ripping the hakama apart, Renji was stunned. “How could the hollow have hurt you, sir? You're captain-level!”

“That wasn't just a hollow, Abarai,” said Ichimaru. He breathed slowly and tore the fabric further, revealing a creamy thigh and a nasty wound that was tinged with purple near the edges of the impalement. “If I'm not mistaken, that was an adjuchas, a mid-level hollow that had just advanced from gillian state. We're lucky it wasn't a fully-developed adjuchas yet, else we'd have a hell of a fight on our hands.” He lowered his head and hissed. “There is poison in the wound. Who's better at shunpo?”

“I am, sir,” said Renji, standing up. “I'll get the fourth to come immediately.”

“Ask for fifth seat and above; the rest won't be able to help. Kira, you're good at kido. Do you recall any healing spells?”

Renji was off like a bullet. Kira knelt beside the lieutenant. “Yes sir.”

“Step the bleeding. If necessary, cauterize the wound,” instructed Ichimaru, his brow beading with perspiration. “I can hold on for a bit longer, but if you see me nodding off, slap me to keep me awake.”

“Fukutaichou?” Kira swallowed. “Slap you?”

“Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir!” Kira gathered his strength and modulated his reiatsu into healing. Then he lowered his palms over the freely bleeding injury. Ichimaru's eyes, never widely open, were fluttering with the effort to stay conscious. “Fukutaichou, tell me something.”

The lieutenant blinked and nodded. “What do you want to know?”

“Um,” Kira racked his brain; he had to keep Ichimaru talking so he won't slip into unconsciousness, “what were you doing in this area?”

The lieutenant smiled. “I wasn't. I caught the flares of reiatsu, and a hell butterfly told me of the breach. And you were lucky I was moving Shinsou to the third division, or else I would not have my zanpakuto with me.” Ichimaru licked his lips.

Kira's wrists ached with the strain of maintaining the constant and controlled flow of healing reiatsu. “What did you have for dinner?”

“Kind of a random question,” noted Ichimaru.

Kira wished the lieutenant's voice wasn't so breathy. “I'm kind of panicking here,” he pointed out.

“I had... udon, with grilled eel.” Ichimaru licked his mouth again. “And, um, white fish, and stir-fried vegetables in the Chinese style. Oh, and cold tofu, and... I think I had edamame before I took some sake as a finisher.”

“Where do you put it all?” asked Kira, half-amused. “That's a lot of food.”

Ichimaru smiled crookedly. “I like to eat. I eat anything too. Benefits... benefits of a Rukongai upbringing – you're only picky about food if you got too much.”

Kira was saved from more questions when a flurry of medics arrived. Leading the way was Unohana-taichou. The blond youth quickly gave way so she could work on the lieutenant's injury.

“This is careless of you, Ichimaru-fukutaichou,” she rebuked gently. “I thought your attack was mid to long-range?” One of her hands was placed in a bowl of water and the other had the index and the little finger on the edges of the wound. A brilliant golden glow encircled the tips of her fingers on the injury. “Thankfully, this young man here is able to perform basic healing. I'll draw out the poison now.”

“I had to intercept the strike, but it was too fast for me,” protested Ichimaru. Kira could see the twitching of the lieutenant's cheek – the healing must be painful. “If I had attacked from a distance the two of 'em woulda been slain.”

Unohana-taichou merely blinked and focused on the injury. A purple shimmer appeared above the ugly cut and flowed into the bowl of water, and her assistant switched with another soon as the water turned colors. It took almost three bowls before there was no more poison.

“It's going to take time to heal,” said the female captain. Her lieutenant was binding up the injury after sewing it shut with healing spells. “Young man, what is your name?”

“I-I'm Kira Izuru, Unohana-taichou,” said Kira, bowing respectfully.

Unohana-taichou smiled. “You have an aptitude for healing, Kira-san. Do consider the fourth division when you graduate.”

“Thank you, Unohana-taichou.” When she brushed down her coat, Kira stepped forward. “M-may I know whether Ichimaru-fukutaichou will make a full recovery?”

“It's not that serious an injury, Kira-san, but he will find it tough to move about for the next few days. Knowing the lieutenant, he may chafe at being cooped up, so I'm going to have to give Aizen-taichou very strict instructions when he comes to pick his lieutenant up.” Unohana-taichou smiled, a hint of merriment dancing in her eyes. “He's not going to like it.”

The mention of Aizen-taichou chilled Kira instantly. He wished – very selfishly – that the captain and lieutenant had yet to make up from their argument that afternoon.

_Why, though? Why should they still be angry at one another?_

_Why not? The fight sounded serious._

_But they are... it's Aizen-taichou and Ichimaru-fukutaichou we're talking about. I'm sure they can work it out._

The fourth division helped the lieutenant onto a stretcher and told Kira to inform Aizen-taichou that Ichimaru-fukutaichou would be at the hospital. The blond nodded.

xxxxx

“Is that so?” Aizen-taichou's expression darkened. “I suppose... never mind. He needs rest. I'll see him tomorrow.”

“Taichou?”

“Kira, please inform him that I'll see him tomorrow when he's discharged.” The captain appeared embarrassed and self-conscious. “In fact,” here Aizen-taichou took a flattish box from within the apartment, “pass this to him and – if it's not too much trouble for you, Kira, I'd appreciate it if you could stay there tonight to watch over him.” The captain thanked Kira again and shut the door.

Unable to hide his curiosity, Kira peeked into the box. It was a blue-green-yellow kimono, perfectly folded and placed in a box. The blue and green colors were gradated from brilliant emerald near the shoulders to deep navy near the hem. Yellow-golden marigold in varying sizes formed the motif across the kimono, as far as Kira could make out. The thin paper that protected the yukata from creasing was still pristine.

_Marigold. The insignia of the Third. Am I really meant to be the one giving him this?_

Kira walked slowly to the hospital, his mind thrumming with questions that he dared not ask.

xxxxx

“I see,” said Ichimaru. “That's not necessary. You should rest – you've had a long day too.”

Kira rubbed his left forearm. “Fukutaichou, the captain – that is, do you want him to come instead?”

Ichimaru looked out the window. “No. No, Kira.”

“But...”

“It's alright. Go home.”

xxxxx

Kira kicked at a pebble and observed its journey from the center of the road to the drain. The box was still clasped under his arm; he would return it to Aizen-taichou and tell him he had forgotten. Kira would be scolded, but then Aizen-taichou would have to be the one giving it himself. Maybe they could work it out from there then.

Shuuhei wasn't expecting him tonight, Kira supposed. But it was eating at Kira that he had so many questions and not certain of who would give an honest answer to any of them.

But he had to thank Ichimaru-fukutaichou again for his help. As the last time, without the lieutenant, Renji and Kira would have died. Kira was actually quite proud of the fact that he managed to hold back an adjuchas level hollow, even for a short while.

Renji, speak of the devil, popped up behind Kira. “Yo.”

“Hey,” said Kira. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just some scratches and stuff.” The tall redhead flexed his fingers. “But I had the oddest sensation earlier...”

“Odd sensation?”

Renji caught the look on Kira's face and hastily laughed it off. “Nah, probably it was panic or somethin'. Let's go home; I'm ready to sleep for a _week_.”

“Taichou'll have something to say about that,” quipped Kira.

xxxxx

Shuuhei was waiting outside their dorm room. “Hi guys. Renji, I kinda need Kira for a bit. If the warden comes by-”

“Kira's at his aunt's, got it,” answered Renji easily. “See you around, Hisagi-sempai.”

Kira followed Shuuhei's lead as they sneaked out of the dormitory compound. “Shuuhei, what are you doing here at this hour? Where are we going?”

The dark-haired shinigami ignored his question but pulled him along, heading east towards the Ninth Division barracks. The blond, annoyed, dug in his heels and tugged his hand out from Shuuhei's grip.

“Look, my room, then we talk, okay?” Shuuhei said softly. “It's important and I don't want to say it out here.”

Kira chewed thoughtfully on his lower lip before walking ahead. Shuuhei caught up and placed a hand on Kira's lower back, guiding the younger male to his room.

 


	14. 14.

“How was he?” asked Aizen-taichou.

Kira bowed respectfully, heart hammering against his ribs. If the captain knew what he witnessed last night... “He's recovering, the healers say. He can be discharged within the day.”

Aizen-taichou nodded. “That would be best. I will send you and Abarai to help him home.”

“T-taichou?” Kira could not quite believe what he was hearing. “Wouldn't it be better if you-”

“I am the captain of this squad, Kira-kun,” remarked the captain idly. “I did not get there by having people question my orders. Be there to help him home.” He glanced at the package Kira had placed on the desk. “He will need assistance. Tell Hinamori to report in fifteen minutes. She will be helping me arrange my papers for the conference tomorrow; Inter-society Conferences are rare and thus I cannot and will not be late. Yes, Yanaihara?”

The other shinigami stepped in and bowed, before raising an eyebrow at Kira. The blond intern bowed to both and muttered an apology, slowly backing out of the office. Aizen-taichou was usually genial and easy-going, but when he used that tone he could cut deeper than any zanpakuto.

Renji was trying to balance a dozen or more thick manila folders in one arm while the other slotted them into the relevant slots. Hinamori was wheeling a trolley full of new folders and, if Renji's sigh was anything to go by, that was what he had been doing the whole morning. Kira went over to help and also brought his two friends up-to-date on Aizen-taichou's orders.

“Really?” Hinamori fluttered. “I better – I should go early, right?”

Kira twisted his mouth; it irritated him whenever she acted the silly schoolgirl. “Yanaihara-san is still inside. Renji, they say Ichimaru-fukutaichou will be released at six. We'll leave at five-thirty?”

“As you wish,” answered Renji easily.

xxxxx

The lieutenant had been pissed. Not at him or Renji, thankfully, but at the message the hell butterfly sent. It had to be from Aizen-taichou; who else would Ichimaru-fukutaichou speak to in that familiar and irritated a tone?

Renji tried supporting the silver-haired shinigami, but the difference in height was too great and in the Kira was the one who had a deceptively slender arm thrown over his shoulders and a steady wash of not-quite-there fragrance into his lungs.

When a hell butterfly fluttered to the trio Kira half-expected it to be for the lieutenant, but it was for the redhead behind them. Renji listened to the message and then hurried up to them.

“Fukutaichou, I... something came up. May I attend to it first?”

Kira wondered what could be wrong. Ichimaru-fukutaichou nodded. “Pass my bags to Kira. He can help me easily enough.”

Inside the blond was a tornado of confusion. The earlier disagreement – _call a spade a spade, Kira, it was a fight –_ with Shuuhei and the words he had said still rang uncomfortably true. The words had hurt then, in the heat of the moment, but when Kira had studied the lieutenant in his sleep the words had etched into his conscience and began to sting. And he had tried to make amends this morning, heading straight to Shuuhei's room, but the door was still damaged and Shuuhei nowhere to be found.

Unaware of Kira's turbulent thoughts, Ichimaru-fukutaichou herded them in the direction of his quarters.

xxxxx

Kira stared at the lieutenant.

“ _I have dedicated my life to all this. Aizen-taichou showed me what I can be, and I will become what he wished for me to become. He gave me a goal in my life. I will fulfill it.”_

Kira understood where Ichimaru-fukutaichou was coming from. He also understood that he felt the same – towards Ichimaru-fukutaichou. And yet Kira had less cause: if rumors were to be believed, Ichimaru-fukutaichou had served under Aizen-taichou right from the start, and the lieutenant had been groomed meticulously by Aizen-taichou to where he was now.

 _Why am I comparing myself with him?_ Mentally berating himself, Kira slipped out of the room and strode thoughtfully towards his dormitory room. Renji was there already, if whatever had taken him away had been settled, and Kira wondered if the redhead would share.

Renji was indeed there, as was someone else. To Kira's surprise, it was Rukia. She jolted when the door opened and her large eyes were fearful, but when she saw it was Kira her thin shoulders sagged in relief.

“Good evening,” said Kira. “I wasn't expecting to see you.”

“Good evening,” said Rukia stiffly. She shared a glance with Renji. The tall male slid off his bed seat and went to Kira.

Renji pulled on Kira's sleeve. “Izuru, you think you can leave us tonight? She's... she needs to talk, and she isn't really close to you so, um... yeah. Please?”

“Of course.” Kira knew when to be stubborn and when to give. But that left the prickly issue of where to bed down for the night. Still, Rukia needed Renji right now – _for Renji's sake, Rukia, please see how much he loves you!_ \- and Kira could handle himself. He could always go to the Third's barracks and squeeze in an empty pallet.

But his traitorous feet led him to Shuuhei's room. The neighboring shinigami took one look at Kira before grinning and making show of striding down the hallway of the barracks. Kira failed to see what was amusing.

At least the door was repaired. Kira pushed it and it opened, and Shuuhei was inside.

Kira felt his heart leap in his throat. He also felt anger and guilt and regret sear into his gut. He stepped in, ignoring the thunder in Shuuhei's face, and also ignoring that there was hardly any light in the room other than the weak candle on the worktable. In the flickering light Shuuhei was more intimidating than usual.

“Why are you here?” he demanded, voice slow and icy.

“Renji needed the room tonight,” said Kira. “And I wanted to see you.”

Shuuhei turned his back on Kira. “You've seen. Now go. I'm sure some _lieutenant_ is more than willing to share his bedding with you.” The vinegar with which he spat the post was almost enough to make Kira pull on his shoes and leave. Almost.

The blond stalked up to Shuuhei and yanked him to his feet. It wasn't exactly a good idea; Shuuhei was half a handspan taller than Kira. But then the younger man was on the warpath and not willing to let a slight error in miscalculation change his mind.

“You listen to me good and hard, Hisagi Shuuhei.” The tone he spoke with surprised Kira: he sounded like his aunt on her most disapproving. “I know you have been with him before. I know that you have had an affair before, and that it didn't end well. It couldn't have, because he has Aizen-taichou. I know that I am acting like a star-struck schoolgirl when I'm near him, but I also know I can't match up to Aizen-taichou. I'm not trying to get into his hakama! There is no _point_ to the whole thing! So stop acting the idiot and get over your childish jealousy!”

Shuuhei pushed the slim arms away. “I'm glad you know how you've been acting,” he snapped. “Let me tell you this: I may have been with him, but I swear I did not know who the fuck he was at the time. And I was just paying off a debt, and I wasn't attached to anyone at the time. What excuse do _you_ have?”

“Excuse?” Kira's anger, which had been forcibly banked earlier, erupted. “Excuse? I've done _nothing_ to warrant an excuse!”

“I heard about that night in the forest! He went in after you, alone, and then he bragged about you being over-sensitive to reiatsu!” shouted Shuuhei. “I know the effects of that, and I know he would never pass up a chance like that to take advantage of a naïve little innocent like you!”

“He-” Kira bit his lip. “He didn't...” Even to himself, the protest sounded weak. “I-I... Shuuhei, Gin never-”

“You called him Gin,” Shuuhei said quietly. He nodded and turned his face aside. “It took you so long to get used to calling my name, and you call him Gin.” He let out a short bark of laughter; it was heartrendingly painful and Kira wished he could take his words back. “You call him Gin. I guess he calls you Izuru, huh? Or maybe some affectionate pet name. I wouldn't be surprised. He gave me a pet name too. He called me Zahl. Sometimes he still uses it, to taunt me and remind me of that shameful time, when I begged him for the scraps of affection he cast my way.” The dark-haired shinigami did not look at Kira, but the younger male felt exposed nonetheless. “That's what would happen, Izuru. He'll use you for his own pleasures, make you feel for him, really feel, and then toss you aside like it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, not to him. It never does.”

The soft, defeated voice cut down all of Kira's rage. Tentatively he stepped forward and placed a hand on Shuuhei's shoulder. The brunet did not even shake it off.

“Izuru, I just wanted to protect you from that,” murmured Shuuhei. He slowly sank to his seat. His head was bowed and his face buried in his hands. “I didn't want you to experience that. It won't matter to him how much you're hurt, Izuru. Because he will not care. He can't. He only cares for one man, and that is Aizen-taichou. Yuki _can't_ love anything or anyone other than Aizen-taichou, Izuru; he's incapable of doing so. He'll break into pieces before doing so.”

“You don't know that,” whispered Kira, many pieces of an unseen puzzle falling into place too quickly. “You didn't even try. Shuu, you didn't try, did you?”

Shuuhei snorted. “Would I dare? With Aizen-taichou around?” He hooked an arm about Kira and drew him close. “Would you dare?”

Kira thought about it. “No,” he said at last.

“Let me protect you from that, 'Zuru,” said Shuuhei fervently, despairingly. Kira stroked spiky black hair reassuringly, surprised by himself for not feeling more.

Shuuhei loved Ichimaru-fukutaichou. He had loved him before, when they were together, and then the lieutenant had left him to his studies in the academy. That night when the two leaders of the Fifth rescued them must have been a shock to Shuuhei. And when Ichimaru-fukutaichou approached Kira – the blond could no longer lie to himself – had Shuuhei gotten jealous? Was he trying to shield Kira from Ichimaru-fukutaichou or trying to get his revenge on a man who did not care for him the way Shuuhei did the other?

Was it worth puzzling over?

Kira knelt down and met a dark-eyed gaze. “Shuuhei,” he said quietly, “I need a place to sleep tonight.”

Shuuhei stared at him, blinked, and then grinned. Nowhere near the infectiously sexy grin he had usually, but a close imitation nonetheless. “You sure you wanna?”

“I'm sure I wanna,” said Kira.

“Kira Izuru,” Shuuhei said in a quiet yet intense voice, “I love you.”

xxxxx

When Kira snuggled up to him Shuuhei wasn't certain their conflict had ebbed. He knew Kira would figure out his strange jealousy eventually. The young man wasn't stupid. But Shuuhei had not expected it to be so soon and certainly not in such a turbulent manner.

But at least it was out. His private, hopeless love for the strange man who rescued him was out. Shuuhei restrained a chuckle; he always did have a thing for rescuers. The numbers on his cheek were testament to that particular... fetish. Who could blame him? Growing up where he did, many kids lived and died hoping for that one magical moment, where they could escape the rank and the gutter, or for that one magical person to swoop in and pull you out of the muck.

And he had two magical persons.

But Shuuhei knew for a fact that Ichimaru Gin wasn't someone who took things seriously, other than his beloved Aizen-taichou. He had seen it in those eyes, though back then he had not been able to put a name to the expression.

When they had their affair back before he was in the Academy, it wasn't pleasure that made the ubiquitous smile on Ichimaru's face widen or affection that brought color to pale cheeks. It was detached amusement: _how much can this boy give? How much can he please me? How far can I toy with him until he runs, or breaks, or until my lover returns?_

And yet... yet, Shuuhei could still recall the desire arcing higher with every touch; recall the admiration he had for the casual strength Ichimaru radiated; recall the devastation at the understanding that it mattered not a whit to Ichimaru; recall the elation and despair finding out who Ichimaru really was.

The first time he saw the lieutenant again it was during one of the mass lectures. And in the crowd was Ichimaru Gin with his captain. Shuuhei had watched, sick to his stomach, how the famed smile that had appeared threatening to him transmuted into a soft tenderness for Aizen-taichou, and how the lieutenant followed the dark-haired, amiable captain happily and loyally. In his heart of hearts, Shuuhei wanted nothing more than to follow. But it was impossible – his 'rival' was Aizen Sousuke! The captain!

But the young blond huddled against him was willing to try. Foolish and foolhardy and perhaps not a fool at all. Kira Izuru was able to see things clearly. He had seen through Shuuhei's defenses, after all. And the fool was awake.

“Shuuhei,” mumbled Kira into Shuuhei's shoulder. “When you said you loved me, did you mean it?”

“Yes.” No hesitation there, at least; Shuuhei seldom said things he did not mean.

Blue eyes raised to meet dark ones. “... for what it's worth, Shuu, you are a great lover and a wonderful man,” murmured the blond, his gaze never leaving Shuuhei's eyes. “And if I ever... ever need your help, you won't turn me away, right?”

The dark-haired shinigami leaned in and kissed Kira. “Of course not. I _am_ your sempai.” One kiss became two, then five, and Shuuhei had Kira pinned below him again. “And I am your lover.”

Kira managed a smile despite the sudden ache in his heart, and raised his arms around the older male.

He had to be satisfied with this.

He had to.

xxxxx

The walk to the main road that bisected Seireitei was interminable. At least, it felt that way to Kira. Perhaps it felt too short for Shuuhei. Maybe it was equally long for both of them.

But they were at the junction now. Kira had to report at the fifth for duties. He had to turn west. Shuuhei was on his way to the human realm on assignment, and the gate was in the northeast from where they were.

“Goodbye, Shuu,” said Kira, hugging him tightly. “Be careful and don't find reasons to get new tattoos, okay?”

“Goodbye, 'Zuru,” whispered Shuuhei, his embrace no less fervent. “Be careful, too.”

Kira punched him lightly in the chest. “Quit dallying. You're gonna be late.”

Shuuhei mock-grimaced. “Ow.” Then he pressed a soft kiss on Kira's brow and strode off with a wave. The blond nibbled on his lower lip before shaking his head ruefully, and went to work.

xxxxx

On the way to the lieutenant's quarters Kira kept tugging on his sleeves. He could not believe this – why was Aizen-taichou telling him to see to the lieutenant? Couldn't he send others?

 _And why can't I lie to myself?_ Kicking a pebble all the way down the street, Kira tried to suppress the excitement at seeing

Ichimaru-fukutaichou was up and wincing every time he shifted. Kira's aunt was right; men suffered the most grievous hurts silently and gibber like a baby over the smallest nicks. Well, Ichimaru-fukutaichou wasn't gibbering, but he was exhibiting signs of pain over something so slight. Kira stopped himself from giggling.

“Fukutaichou, I brought dinner,” the blond said, waiting for the invitation. Ichimaru waved Kira in, still applying salve to his thigh. The wound looked less terrifying now, and the bared leg far too inviting. Kira busied himself with trivial chatter and setting out the meal. To his mortification, he was stuttering.

Dinner was a pleasant affair, even if Kira wasn't quite able to tell what he ate, his attention being focused on the stretch of naked skin directly across the table. He could have sworn it was not gaping that far apart, and certainly not supposed to allow Kira a view of a pink, hardened nipple every time the lieutenant moved his chopsticks to the left. He was distracted and made up for the distraction with endless chatter, hoping that Ichimaru wouldn't notice. Fat chance – there was little that escaped those barely visible eyes.

And as if to prove his point, Ichimaru-fukutaichou smiled at Kira near the end of dinner. “Well, you'll need to help me in something quite... personal later. I can't quite walk to the bathroom to wash up – I keep thinking I will fall over – so can you, uh, support me there?”

 _Crap. Shit. Damn. I KNOW I'm gonna embarrass myself. And Abarai Renji, you will pay for damaging my vocabulary._ Kira bowed his head and acceded to the request.

As the blond helped Ichimaru rid himself of his clothes he had to tell his libido to stay out of the situation. It wasn't helping when Ichimaru sank into warm water with a gentle sigh – too similar to the one in the hospital! - and Kira had to flee the bathroom, so that he would not embarrass himself. He wasn't that inexperienced, and he certainly hadn't been repressed, and he had Shuuhei. He had Shuuhei.

“Kira? Help me out please! I don't want to slip and fall to my cracked skull!”

Kira took a deep breath. “I can do this.”

It wasn't that difficult assisting the silver-haired shinigami to the bed. The floor of the bathroom was slippery, though, so the request was legitimate. Not that Kira minded having the chance to gawk: Ichimaru-fukutaichou's body was all lean muscle and few scars, pale skin that probably shone in moonlight.

_A slender hand cupping Kira's face, thumbs tilting Kira's chin up to bare more of his neck; silver hair dusting over his belly; warm, hot tongue tracing delicately over his collarbones and then sliding up his neck to his ear. “Now do the same, Izuru, the way I showed you.”_

“I'm not breakable, Kira, there's no need to be so gentle.” Ichimaru settled into his bed with a grunt.

“I-” Kira could not reveal his actual thoughts at the time, obviously. “I just didn't want to jar your injuries, fukutaichou.”

 _The lieutenant smiled and tapped Kira's nose. “I'm_ not exactly an invalid, Kira. These are merely inconveniences, not real injuries. I need your help because I'm too sore, that's all.”

They spoke a little longer, Kira wondering how to make his excuses to leave. Already it was dark outside and somehow this room felt too intimate. Instead of allowing Kira to go back to rest, Ichimaru gestured. “Sit with me.”

“Wha- I can't, I couldn't possibly...”

“You turn any redder I'm going to call you Cherry Izuru,” teased the older shinigami. He patted the left side of the bed, empty and comfortable. “You slept in the chair last night. I bet you have a stiff neck and aching shoulders today, didn't you?”

Kira didn't, actually. He did nap in the chair for a bit but he went straight to his room afterwards, though he had to go to Shuuhei's in the end.

Ichimaru frowned. “I'm not going to eat you, Kira. If you're staying here to watch over me, then at least be comfortable.”

_Maybe I can stay on the edge and not be rude._

“I told you I'm not going to eat you.” The irritation was obvious now. “Come closer so you can at least talk to me.” He was not mollified until Kira was right beside him and their body heat warmed up the space beneath the blankets. “Much better. So, Kira Izuru, what do you hope to achieve in the Fifth?”

Having been prepared for an innuendo-laden question, the serious query threw Kira off-kilter and the honest answer jerked out of him. “I want to be – to be like you. A lieutenant to a captain I admire.”

“You're trying to take my job from me?”

Kira caught the hidden note of jealousy and backpedaled. “No! No, I mean... I mean, I want to be a lieutenant to...” _Would he think it presumptuous? I'm still only an intern!_

“To whom, Kira?” Ichimaru was peering at Kira.

 _Hang it all. If he is angry, then he's angry. If now, that means I have a chance._ He deliberately did not think about what sort of chance he meant. “To... to you, the captain of the third.” His voice was so soft Kira could barely hear himself.

Ichimaru shifted. There was a brush of skin on fabric below the blankets. Kira flushed, wondering what had just touched him. Ichimaru was serious though. “You barely know me, Kira.”

 _Oh gods, this is mortifying. Will a hole appear under me and take me now?_ His tongue ran away with him trying to follow. “I-I-I don't know how to say things... I don't, um... I'm not good with words... fukutaichou, I mean... in all our interactions you've always been so kind and, and I see the pride you take in helping taichou, and I wanna be like that, but I-I-I don't know if I can. I promise I will try my best and you won't be disappointed if... not that you _have_ to have me as a lieutenant, of course...”

The small, perplexed frown on the lieutenant's face was more than Kira could bear, and he leaned in to impress a soft kiss on softer lips. Then the blond male pulled away, stunned by his own daring. Ichimaru was expressionless. Kira blushed; he had really landed in the raw now.

“I-I'm sorry,” he muttered. “I'll go. I, um... I'll go. I'll leave now.”

“Wait.”

There was a fair, slender hand on Kira's. That hand belonged to Ichimaru Gin. Who told Kira to wait.

“Don't go,” said the silver-haired lieutenant. “Stay. Stay here with me.”

 _This can NOT be happening!_ Kira wailed within. That hold was so light that if Kira shifted, he could be free, but his entire body was weighted down by anchors. And then his left hand was lifted... and caressed, finger by finger, and a thumb pressed circles into his palm. Kira's face burned. He did not mean for this!

 _Did you not?_ A small voice asked deep inside Kira, sounding amused and sad at the same time. The captain-to-be hissed suddenly. Kira whirled about. “Where does it hurt? What's wrong?”

“Nothing, just – just caught unawares.” Ichimaru smiled. “As I was caught unawares just now by you.” There was a palm on Kira's face now; too similar to his little fantasy earlier. Kira's blush darkened further. And yet he did not know what to do. Ichimaru leaned forward slightly. “I'm not gonna lie, Kira. I want you. I love Aizen-taichou, but for some unfathomable reason I want you.”

_Oh. Oh gods. Oh, gods. Oh gods._

_I must have slipped and fell and cracked my skull earlier._

_I did not survive the hollow attack._

_I... I am still dreaming in Shuuhei's bed. In my own bed. In a gutter somewhere after having too much to drink._

_I am going insane. I am already insane._

_I am in lust._

_I am in love._

Split seconds, and Kira realized he was already hugging himself, denying the truth of this moment. “So do I,” he murmured harshly, and Ichimaru was cradling Kira, soothing him. Kira screwed his eyes shut. “I can't help it. I'm not supposed to, I have Shuuhei. I have Shuu, and he loves me. But, you're... you're Ichimaru Gin... when you're around every other thing just fades to nothing. And I _have_ to see you. I can't help it, I can't. And Shuuhei _knows_ that; he hates that I have to see you and care about you-”

Ichimaru cut across his insensible ramblings. “Can you help kissing me?”

Kira opened his eyes and stared into green-blue eyes. Jade and sapphire blended, the sky and the forests as one. Ichimaru's lips brushed over Kira's skin. “I want you to want to kiss me. The way I want to kiss you. Do you want to?”

“I do,” answered Kira hastily. That was the truth. “I do want to. I want you.” As if frightened that the lieutenant did not hear, the younger male repeated, “I want you.”

And then the command. “Kiss me now.”

xxxxx

xxxxx

Kira woke before the dawn, creeping out of the room. Tempting as it was to linger, it was not wise. As he scurried down the hallway as noiselessly as possible he nearly froze in shock. He felt Aizen-taichou's reiatsu approaching. And if he could feel the captain, the captain was already aware of his presence.

“Ah, good morning Kira,” said Aizen-taichou. He looked tired, but then he had been at a conference. “I suppose you stayed overnight? Thank you. How is he?”

“He's fine, taichou,” answered Kira. He hoped he was not red in the face. He wished he could meet the man in the eyes. And he thanked the gods who were listening that he had cleaned up just now before he left.

The captain scratched the back of his neck in a thoughtful manner. “I suppose visiting him now is out of the question – it's too early. Thank you again, Kira. You may have half a day off to rest and attend the mid-day shift.”

Recognizing the subtle dismissal, Kira bowed and made sure he did not run. He did not run.

But how he wanted to kneel and beg for forgiveness.

 


	15. 15.

There was only so much time a person would hide in the washroom. Kira stopped splashing his face and stood at the sink, breathing evenly.

“It's only a lesson,” he told himself.

It had been some days since he spent the night at Gin's – _Ichimaru-fukutaichou,_ Kira reminded himself fiercely – and this was the first day the lieutenant returned to work. Kira did not meet those gloriously blue-green eyes, hidden by silver hair and lowered lids. Kira did not dare.

He shut his own, squeezed his eyes closed in an effort to put away that memory of heat and longing and desire, that mind-melting purr and that _kiss_...

His incisors sank into the inside of his lower lip and the sharp pain brought Kira back to the present. The break was almost over and they still had the second half of the lesson to finish.

xxxxx

When the lesson ended, Kira found himself dawdling and forced himself to exit with the others. While he tried to catch up to Renji, someone grabbed his left arm and turn him about. Even before he had moved Kira knew who it was had caught him.

It was Ichimaru-fukutaichou. The lieutenant stood close enough for his cool breath to dust the fine hairs on Kira's brow. The silver-haired shinigami spoke quietly. “I need your assistance, Kira.”

 _I can't do this, I can't._ “I... Maybe someone else could help you better than I can, Ichimaru-fukutaichou,” Kira stammered. He could feel the pounding of his heart, and fixed his gaze at his own feet. _So near to Gin's... all I have to do is slide forward a little and we'll be in an embrace... His hands will encircle me, with that slender yet amazing strength and firmness..._

_What am I thinking?!_

“Are you rejecting my command, Kira Izuru?”

Kira lowered his lids, trying to find somewhere in his head that was not affected by Ichimaru's proximity. “No, Ichimaru-fukutaichou.”

The older male grinned. “Good. Come by the third division in an hour's time. Oh, wear comfortable attire. You're helping me clean up the place. You're the only one I trust to handle my belongings outside of the captain, and I can't possibly ask him to play housemaid, can I?”

When the lieutenant patted Kira's blond hair, the younger male wanted to lean into the touch – and immediately Kira hated himself for thinking so. He shook his head and shrank a little. “No you can't, Ichimaru-fukutaichou.”

“I will see you there,” said Ichimaru, and strolled off casually.

Kira stared at the departing figure, trying to decipher what the swoop of his stomach meant.

xxxxx

Renji was staring at his hands. “You mean I have to cup the reiatsu first?” he asked, the light of understanding dawning. “I always thought you just had to aim and let loose!”

“No, you imagine the reiatsu concentrated here,” Kira pointed to the center of Renji's large palms, “before you can direct the flow of it. It's like... like storing up energy in a bow for an arrow and then letting it fly straight and true.”

The redhead scratched his ear. “Eh. I sorta understand, but I'm not sure if I'll manage it.”

Kira patted his friend's shoulder. “You will.”

“So,” said Renji, diverting the topic, “what did the lieutenant want with you over at the Third? Are his quarters really large?”

Kira nibbled on his lower lip. “Spacious, I'd say. I just helped him put things the way he wanted them. He has nice things.”

“By the way, Hinamori went to Aizen-taichou today,” Renji went on, not noticing Kira's reticence. “She was asking him how to stay in the fifth after graduation.”

“Did he tell her?”

Renji nodded. “He may look easygoing, but Aizen-taichou wants her to take two foreign languages and attain Merit in them as well as in Intermediate Inter-Society Law and a Distinction in ethics.”

Kira was silent. _Highest honors, Kira,_ Gin had said – _Ichimaru-fukutaichou_ had said – and if the blond told Renji that, the redheaded young man would flip.

 _But why would he suggest my going to the Fourth Division?_ Kira had no earthly clue, except that he did have an aptitude for kido and could, technically, learn to wield healing kido with prowess. _But the Fourth? There is no prestige, not one bit in becoming a healer. If I attained Highest Honors, i can go anywhere I want. I can even choose the First._

_But I know I will not choose the First. I will choose the Fourth._

_Because he told me to._

_He must have his reasons._

It was late. Kira used that as a reason to turn in, though he had no intention of falling asleep. As he settled down in his futon, Kira wondered what sort of route he would have to take to get to become Gin's lieutenant.

_To see him daily, to work with him, fight for him, defend his and his division's honor and pride. To show the despair of war... To truly comprehend the horrors of battle, and fight on in spite of it..._

The blond heard Renji settle down into sleep, the rustle of fabric and then the steady breathing that sounded too loud and too busy in the silence.

_:I know the taste of despair.:_

That fleeting voice was gone before Kira registered it.

xxxxx

xxxxx

Two days passed uneventfully, for which the slender blond was thankful. Ichimaru-fukutaichou was so busy preparing to move into the Third and taking on his role officially that he had no time to loiter anywhere around the division. Kira was also glad that, even if the lieutenant was in the office, Kira would not be there since he had to return to the Academy for a one-day workshop.

The instructor had to be the dullest person found in any of the three realms; Kira found himself dozing off a dozen times. Though the content was boring, Kira could take refuge in knowing that he was safe from confused and guilty yearning.

But the young man's dreaming mind did not cooperate with his studious intent, often drifting into half-memories of the moment Gin confessed he wanted Kira, of their first, tentative touch, of the pressure of the older shinigami's slim hips against his own pelvis...

He shut his eyes and focused on the assignment that had been distributed. It was counted in the final grade and Kira wanted to do well for this. Hinamori was already scribbling. The blond youth stole a glance about the room. Most of the others were staring blankly at the assignment, so he wasn't the only one who had found the instructor boring. As he read through the instructions, Kira realized that the questions were rather simple despite the jargon thrown in.

A gentle wash of familiarity brushed over Kira's senses. The blond blinked and looked up from his answers. There was someone at the door, conversing with the instructor. A tight shiver ran through Kira: it was Ichimaru Gin. A warm feeling spread from Kira's belly to the rest of his body.

The lieutenant did not look at the many bowed heads but attended to the instructor's words before leaving. Kira breathed out slowly. This was becoming ridiculous. He was no child to be that affected by one man alone.

“All right, time's up. Hand in the assignment.”

 _What?_ Kira blinked and peered at his assignment. He had finished only three-quarters of it!

xxxxx

The greenhouse was damp and comforting in an isolated kind of way. Kira always enjoyed being around plants – he loved sitting near his parents' graves, just listening to the rustle of leaves and grass. Since the grave site was somewhat far, Kira settled for the greenhouse in the Academy.

It was a touch too humid, but the intense serenity was what Kira needed. He was annoyed at his own distracted mind, and angry at Ichimaru's effect on him.

He could hear the bell for the third hour past noon.

“Stupid! Stupid stupid stupid!” Kira grabbed a handful of the nearest plant and started shredding the leaves that had come away from the twig. The sap was sweet-smelling and his hands tingled slightly, but Kira was too upset with his academic lapse to pay attention. Irritably brushing the taint of green onto his handkerchief, Kira wondered if he could ask to redo the assignment. Perhaps if he went to ask now, the instructor would be amenable to his request.

_Odd. Why is it so warm now?_

Someone chuckled from behind Kira. “I didn't think I could sneak up to you this easily.”

The fair-haired youth jumped, his arm sweeping the abused potted plant of its shelf. A slender hand caught the shrub and replaced it on the ledge, patting the remaining leaves gingerly.

_Getting warmer._

“You seem perturbed,” Ichimaru Gin smiled at Kira. “What is the matter?”

“I...” All the air in the greenhouse must have fled; Kira tried to breathe normally. “I, er, I... I... perturbed?”

“I just like the sound of the word,” the lieutenant laughed. “Perturbed perturbed perturbed. The sound of the word conveys the feeling rather accurately.”

_Warm. Too warm._

Kira backed away but was obstructed by the shelf behind him. “I-I'm fine. I came in to, uh, I came in... I-I-I'm, um. I should go.”

Casually bracing himself against another ledge, Ichimaru blocked Kira's way. “Not that easily. We have to talk about what transpired the other night.”

“Fukutaichou, I really don't think this is a good idea,” Kira blurted in a hushed whisper. “People could see-”

“-see what? That an officer is talking to his subordinate?” The older male leaned forward. “That a student is conversing with an instructor? Or that you are terribly nervous?”

“... that I'm terrified.” The blond bit his lower lip. This was coming out wrong, but something had broken past his carefully dammed emotions. “That... that I... that you're here, and I can't – I can't think clearly, and I wish you'd not be so bold and I wish I could just dare to _be_ like you, I can't. I can't.” He was babbling, he knew he was babbling, and he should stop. There was something else to do. Something about his academics, but Kira was not quite able to form a coherent thought.

_Hot. Something is wrong with this greenhouse._

A cool hand pressed against Kira's cheek. “Hush, Kira. Relax.”

“Huh?”

_Warm. Too much heat._

“That plant... that is the source for stimulants crafted for the Fourth. As well as the basis of aphrodisiacs.” Gin brushed hair from Kira's wide eyes. “Let me smell your hands.”

_Heat._

Kira offered both and Gin inhaled briefly before scowling.

“You rubbed the sap into your skin. How are you feeling?”

“Feeling?” Kira frowned lightly. “Slightly dizzy... a little, uh, a little breathless. But I'm fine. I'm, er, I'm... warm.”

“Warm?” Gin touched Kira's forehead and placed two fingers at his pulse point at the throat. Kira's lashes fluttered and his breathing deepened, and with vague awareness the blond youth realized he was beginning to feel aroused.

Ignoring glimmering, wistful blue eyes, the lieutenant stepped back. “Let me find the antid- mmmmm... uh, Kira...”

_Heat. Too much heat. Too much heat._

Kira's arms tightened about Gin's neck. This felt good. At least he wasn't itching under his skin as much as before, even if the heat in his veins was rising. Boldly thrusting his tongue against thin lips, Kira's hands snaked down a firm if rigid back.

Gin pushed the young man away. “Kira... not that it doesn't feel good... oh!” He shivered as Kira's tongue licked over his earlobe and flicked behind it, his hot, panting breaths washing over his jaw, and a sinfully warm mouth pressing urgent kisses down a apple-blossom-white throat. “Kira Izuru, you stop this right now-”

“No.” Those who knew Kira well knew he was stubbornness and rashness personified, traits locked down only by his own iron will. And right now, that will was not present.“Hot.”

Ichimaru Gin breathed in harshly before dragging Kira after him. The blond was annoyed: he needed to soothe that heat under his skin and this man wasn't cooperating. Where were they headed?

The small, nondescript shed-like place was where the horticulturists kept their myriad tools and chemicals. It reeked of plant matter and soil and chemicals. Kira half thought Gin would lock him in there. If that were the case, then Kira would blast his way out – he was good at kido. Therefore, when Gin threw open the workroom's door and pushed Kira inside, the blond did not let go and dragged Gin within as well. Then Kira kicked the door shut.

_Heat._

xxxxx

If he had to describe what happened inside the stuffy little room, Kira would have to settle for 'confused blur'.

Everything was happening too quickly and yet too slowly – the hurried, sloppy kisses; the tangled battle of hands and feet and arms and legs; the rushed discarding of garments; the urgent _need_. And finally, that sharp, blessed relief of release.

After that, Kira's brain kicked into gear, but the gentle silkiness of Gin's skin over his own calmed his panic. Even though they got dressed in awkward embarrassment, it was a shared embarrassment and thus less alienating. The embarrassment ebbed rapidly with the tender kiss Gin and Kira shared before they left the workroom.

Perhaps Kira would be less comforted if he knew there were two persons who were able to describe their tryst in excruciating detail.

 


	16. 16.

“Kira, Shuuhei's at the door,” said Renji as he popped into the kitchenette.

Kira looked up from his omelet rice. “I didn't know he returned from the human realm.”

“Maybe that's supposed t' be a surprise?”

Kira Izuru shrugged and left his dinner half-eaten, though by the time he got back probably it would be fully digested by a certain Abarai Renji. Kira would not mind that though; ever since the events of that afternoon Kira had been suffering from nausea and dizziness. Part of those were probably aftereffects of direct skin application of Eros' Wrath, but a larger part was due to his shocked embarrassment and confused contentment from his unplanned tryst with the lieutenant, Ichimaru Gin.

Shuuhei waited outside the door, not coming in as he normally did. He did not look at Kira, but stared through the blond, like he was transparent. “Can we talk?”

“Um, sure. You wanna come in?”

“I'd rather you come out,” said Shuuhei, “into the open air.”

There was a short pause between the last two words that Kira caught, but he put it aside. It was not like Shuuhei to play around with words anyway. “How were things in the human realm?” asked Kira.

“Fine.”

“So, um... the other shinigami is back on duty?”

“Yeah. Taichou said there was another task for me. Aizen-taichou wants me to be his teaching assistant for the upcoming Ethics class.” There was an aloofness to Shuuhei's tone. Kira ignored it as best as he could.

“That's great!” he exclaimed. “When will you be starting?”

“Soon.”

The tension built from there. Kira did not know where Shuuhei was leading him; this was a back alley and Kira hadn't come this way before. When they came to the dead end of the alley, Shuuhei climbed over the wall. “Come on.”

“Uh... okay.”

As he dropped to the other side of the wall, Kira froze. It was the greenhouse from the other day.

 _He knows. I don't know how he knows, but he does._ Kira could not swallow, he could barely think. Cold dread settled over him like a blanket and he had to bite back the nausea that rose in his stomach. In the late afternoon light, Shuuhei appeared more imposing than Kira remembered. The dark-haired shinigami half-turned. “Aren't you gonna follow me?”

“Why are we here?” Kira asked softly.

“What, are you afraid of being caught?” retorted Shuuhei. He smiled mirthlessly. “They don't check this side of the Academy – my friends and I used to cut class via this route.”

Kira wet his lips. He could not go in there without revealing his guilt. “Why here, at this time?”

“Come with me,” Shuuhei said, ignoring Kira's words. “Come with me.”

“No, Shuuhei. I'm not going there.”

Shuuhei now swiveled about to face Kira. “Why not?”

Kira shook his head. His throat closed uncomfortably; he felt like gagging. “No, Shuuhei.”

“Are you uncomfortable?” the other man asked solicitously. “Is there something wrong?”

“You know, don't you?” Kira stated.

Shuuhei's smile was brittle. “Know what?”

“Shuuhei, stop playing games. You know,” repeated Kira, the chill spreading to his limbs. “Don't play mind games with me.”

At the mention of mind games, Shuuhei's jaw tightened. “I'm not the one playing mind games with you, Kira Izuru.”

“Then who is?”

“Ichimaru Gin. _He's_ the one playing with your brain. But then again,” Shuuhei's smile was a sneer now, “he already gets to play with your body, so why not the whole package?”

The pale blond could feel the flush that suffused his cheeks. His hands shook; he badly wanted to punch Shuuhei. Instead he took a deep breath. “Bite your tongue,” he warned, “or-”

“Or what? You'll do it for me?” Shuuhei scoffed. “You sure you wanna lose the taste of that man from your mouth?” He tilted his head. “Oh, then again, I'm sure that you can always get it back again.”

Kira felt the sting of misery under the words thrown so casually at him. “You're not a cruel man, Shuuhei, stop trying to be.”

“Then tell me! Tell me what's _wrong_ , Izuru. What the hell is wrong with you? What the hell is wrong with _me_?!” That was a plea of an anguished man. Shuuhei glared at Kira helplessly. “What... what am I supposed to do, Izuru? Tell me. Tell me what I can do, because I'm completely lost here.”

“Shuuhei, I never meant... I didn't mean to... Shuu, you know me. I wouldn't want to hurt you for anything in the world.”

Shuuhei laughed bitterly. “I, know you? I don't. I don't know you anymore, Izuru. I barely... I barely know me, now. I've never loved anyone the way I love you... and I've never felt so much like killing someone before.” His dark head bowed. “Izuru, what am I to do?”

Kira forced back his fierce guilt. “I am sorry.”

“What am I to do, Kira?” asked Shuuhei again.

“Call me Kira from now on, as you are doing,” said the younger male. “I never meant to hurt you, Shuuhei, but I did. And I'm sorry. I should've... I-I should've come clean, should've b-been honest, told you the t-t-truth-” He hated the stutter; it made him sound weak and pathetic – which he felt – but there was no need for a reminder from his own mouth. “I-I can't begin to make up for that.”

Shuuhei looked at Kira, eyes red. “Will you be willing to make up for it, Izuru?”

For an instant Kira wanted to say yes. But he checked himself: he would not lie to Shuuhei anymore. There were enough lies for a few lifetimes, and it wasn't fair to Shuuhei. He had to make a clean break now. Shuuhei wouldn't want him to go to Gin, but Kira knew he would hurt Shuuhei again if he said yes now. Kira had to be cruel now. He had to.

He had to, for both their sakes.

“No, Shuuhei. Let me be just Kira to you,” he answered, as tenderly as he could. “I cannot carry on w-w-with this charade. I owe you honesty. We were better off as-as friends.”

Shuuhei strode up to Kira. “I don't want to be _friends,”_ he hissed. “Not with you. I want more than that, Izuru. We were more than that, until _he_ came into this. 'Zuru, love, can't we go back to the way things were?”

Kira gently disengaged Shuuhei's hands from his shoulders. “Time cannot flow backwards. We are better off being honest here.” He took a deep breath. “I am no longer in love with you, Hisagi.”

The brunet stilled at the name, and then swung a punch with his right fist. Kira stumbled to the ground and he clambered to his feet. He could taste blood inside his mouth.

Shuuhei was panting. “That – I didn't mean... but fuck you, 'Zuru! You don't stop loving someone just like _that_!”

“I've stopped loving you for a long time, Hisagi-”

“Stop calling me Hisagi!” Shuuhei roared at the hapless Kira, gripping him by the shoulders and shaking him. “I am more than that to you, I know that! Izuru, you loved me, you still love _me_!”

“I don't love you, Hisagi Shuuhei!” shouted Kira, eyes screwed shut. “I don't. I don't. Maybe I never did, I don't know. But now I can tell you that I don't love you.”

“Liar,” breathed Shuuhei. “You don't just – you don't wake up and discover you stopped loving someone. You don't stop loving someone all of a sudden!”

“I never did love you!” Kira shouted. He was horror-struck by his own words, but understood that that had been the awful truth. “I never loved you.”

Shuuhei's expression hardened and his grip increased until his fingers were digging into flesh and pressing against bone.

Mutely, Kira waited for the next blow.

It never came. Shuuhei had released Kira and was backing away. To the younger man's shock, Shuuhei looked a decade older suddenly. He was wan and appeared defeated.

“Get out of my sight,” he said quietly, and somehow that was more terrifying than the loud roar earlier. “Go. Leave. I don't know what I'll do next if you stay here.” His eyes closed. “Go.”

Kira, who was about to walk forward to Shuuhei, halted. “But-”

Shuuhei turned fierce wolfish eyes on Kira. “Leave!”

xxxxx

Kira knocked on Gin's door at the Third Division. His heart was still racing; he had to say it now before his courage gave out. Something burned in him; regret or guilt? Kira couldn't tell. He had not wanted to end it this way, not with Shuuhei – not with Hisagi furiously hating him – but Kira knew that someone had to be hurt. He wished it didn't have to be Hisagi.

“Come in,” a low voice called out. Kira's heart skipped a beat.

“Ichimaru-fukutaichou, I apologize for coming here,” he said as he stepped in. He should have checked his attire and appearance before coming here; too late now.

Gin glided over noiselessly and tipped Kira's face up. “What happened?” he enquired, a tiny frown marring the smooth face.

“It's...” Kira paused; it had nothing to do with Gin, “that's not serious. I came to... I came to apologize for... for what happened yesterday.” Here was where he had to see it through. “And to-to tell you that, um. That...” Kira inhaled carefully, before saying, “that I love you.”

Gin blinked a few times and his brows arched. “Wait a minute.”

The blond barreled on, feeling his courage ebb. “I... I've been trying to deny the-the attraction that I feel for you, and tried to... tried to distract myself, to... to try to fall in love with someone else.” _I am so sorry, Shuuhei, I truly am._ “It didn't work. I couldn't... I couldn't love him.”

“By him, I presume you mean Hisagi Shuuhei?”

The soon-to-be-captain was peering at Kira's expression. The younger male nodded. “He and I... we don't mesh well. And he-he knows that my heart is not filled with thoughts of him, but of you.”

_I am so sorry, Hisagi. I am willing to do anything to make it up to you, but I mustn't lie to you or to myself anymore._

“Kira,” began Gin, leaning against his desk, “what happened yesterday wasn't out of love.”

“I know.”

Gin tilted his head. “But you still profess to love me.”

“Yes.”

“Kira,” said Gin intensely, “you're a good kid. Brilliant, agile, hardworking. You'll make an awesome shinigami, that I can assure you.” Kira blushed a little deeper. Gin went on. “And I admire your courage, your dedication, and not least... your honesty. And do I must be honest with you too, Kira.”

Kira held his breath. He believed he knew what was coming next. “Yes?”

“Kira, I don't love you.” The older shinigami looked somewhat regretful. “I cannot love you.”

“I know.” There. That was the fact, said out loud and accepted as truth.

“You know?”

“It's because...” the blond's voice wavered for a second, “because you love Aizen-taichou, isn't it?”

The two men gazed at each other, while the evening light faded. Gin finally nodded. “I love him. No matter what the rules say about cutting all ties, I love him.”

“Does your loving him mean that I cannot love you?” Kira smiled. His confidence firmed. “Will you not accept that I do not seek reciprocation?” He approached Gin cautiously, timidly, every step thundering in his veins. “May I love you, Ichimaru-fukutaichou?”

The few seconds which Gin took to comprehend the situation stretched well beyond eternity. Eventually the silver-haired man raised his right hand to Kira's bruised cheek. A tender warmth touched Kira's cheek and the young man let the healing jutsu wash into him. Gin then stood up and pressed his lips to Kira's brow. The younger man shivered with gratitude.

“You may.”

Kira felt the words more than heard them, they were so softly uttered. “Thank you.” He inhaled and relaxed again. “Thank you.”

xxxxx

Shuuhei downed his sixth – or perhaps ninth – bottle. They weren't large bottles, barely a hand tall, and Shuuhei had often drunk with his friends till the wee hours of the morning. He would be fine, after this next bottle.

And the next.

And the next.

And the next.

He looked up to see a tall man in a white coat bending over him. Dark-haired, tanned skin. Glasses. Glasses.

_Aizen._

“Go away,” slurred Shuuhei, annoyed. He couldn't even drink in peace?

“You should not be drinking here,” said the captain quietly. “If anyone reported you to your captain you will be disciplined.”

Shuuhei frowned. What was wrong with drinking at a drinking house? “Go away.” Something else lit up in his brain. “It's all your fault. Don't touch me. Leave me alone. Leave Izuru alone. It's all your fault.”

Aizen-taichou seemed rather puzzled by Shuuhei's words. Shuuhei now was angry. He had been perfectly clear. He struggled to stand and was assisted by the older shinigami. Aizen-taichou was about to let go when Shuuhei's mind blanked out and darkness fell.

xxxxx

Shuuhei woke up in an unfamiliar place. “Where am I?” he asked, before turning his head and seeing Aizen-taichou seated nearby, reading a treatise or something. “Aizen-taichou?”

“You're in my house,” said the captain with a soft smile, putting his book down. He passed a cup of tea to Shuuhei and stared at him solemnly until the tea had been drained.

The younger shinigami rubbed his head absently. “Uh, what happened?”

“I found you drunk along the corridors. Something happened to drive you to drink?”

The memories surged back in a furious rush. Shuuhei could not trust himself to look at the captain at the moment. His fury, which had simmered all day ever since he told Kira to leave him, was boiling now. Aizen-taichou seemed to comprehend something; he cleared his throat and said, “I shan't ask, then. There is more tea if you wish-”

“-it's your fault,” Shuuhei rasped.

The captain, who had gotten to his feet, paused in the act of removing the towel. “I... don't understand.”

Shuuhei spoke, mostly to himself. “Izuru and I broke up. He broke up with me.” Now he could meet Aizen-taichou's gaze. “Because of Ichimaru.”

Light dawned on Aizen-taichou. There was a fleeting look of regret and also of pain passing over the older brunet's face.

Shuuhei pressed on. “Ichimaru Gin, whom you allowed to run around freely, hurting whomever he chose. Because you let him do it!”

The captain's jaw tautened. “Don't speak of Gin like that. You know nothing about him.” He took a breath and composed himself. “And young man, you have no right to judge me. You don't understand the situation.”

“And you do?” Shuuhei threw the response into Aizen-taichou's face. “Izuru is under his spell. He told me... that he knew Gin is in love with you, that, that even so, Izuru has chosen – chosen... he said... Izuru told me he had t-to be honest, he had to...” To his shame Shuuhei realized he had tears coursing down his cheeks and he hid away from Aizen-taichou. “He said- Izuru said... he said. He said we will always be friends. Friends. Friends? I don't WANT to be _friends!”_ With renewed anger Shuuhei hurled the cup in his hand against a wall. “Izuru chose _him_ , your _lover._ He chose Ichimaru Gin. Over me. He chose, he chose Yuki... and he apologized for d-doing so. Izuru, apologized for everything – he said sorry. Why Yuki? Of all the others, why Yuki? Was I not... Am I not good enough? Why Yuki?”

Now Shuuhei had to give in to the tight lump in his chest: the pain of rejection from both men he had wanted. He felt Aizen-taichou moving a step closer, not intruding on his agony, but offering a small semblance of comfort.

“That is something only Kira-san knows.” Aizen-taichou said. Shuuhei ground his teeth together. “Hisagi-san, you are tired after a very long day. I've set up the guest futon: come and rest.”

xxxxx

Kira was sleepy when he got to the office the next day. Renji was unsympathetic. “You two oughta tell me when you guys ain't coming back,” he complained. “I spent half the night worrying if I oughta lock the door.”

“Sorry,” said Kira. He yawned again.

Renji grinned. “He kept you up late, huh. Guess time apart did-”

“Renji, we broke up yesterday,” Kira cut in dully.

“What?” The exclamation startled a few people nearby, and the redhead bowed in apology. He bent down and hissed, “I mean, _what_?! Why?”

Knowing that this would happen, Kira whispered, “I didn't love him, and it was unfair to make use of him.”

“You are unbeli-'

“Quit yakking, Abarai, Kira. We have messages to send,” snarled the new leader of the group. He shoved them with multiple packages. “Be back in half an hour at the latest.”

Renji waited until the new shinigami strutted off before muttering a rude word. Then he looked at Kira, saying, “How is he taking it?”

“Badly.”

“No shit,” sighed Renji. “He did care a lot for you.”

“I know,” said Kira in a small voice. They checked the addresses and plotted the route to take. “But I couldn't use him like that when I loved someone else.”

The entry of Aizen-taichou interrupted their conversation – and to Kira's astonishment, Shuuhei was right there with the captain. And he wasn't in uniform – it appeared to be a casual outfit from elsewhere. It looked familiar.

 _That's Gin's._ Kira remembered seeing the robe on the silver-haired lieutenant before, when he went to visit the lieutenant when he had been injured saving Kira. _That is – that's Gin's. Why is Shuuhei wearing Gin's clothes?_

And then it struck him. Hisagi Shuuhei must have stayed over at Aizen-taichou's. Gin said he still had to move his clothes over now that he was moving into his own captain's quarters.

_Shuuhei and Aizen-taichou?_

It was preposterous thought. There must be some logical explanation. Kira knew all that, but the rage that flooded his slim frame crowded out cool logic. Renji, not knowing Kira's inner fire, patted him on the shoulder.

“What?!” snapped Kira.

“Whoa, easy,” said Renji, hands held out in front of him to ward off the blazing blue eyes. “I was just tellin' ya that we gotta go if we wanna make the deliveries on time.”

“Whatever.” Kira stalked out, ignoring Renji's puzzled glance and not bothering to apologize when he collided with Hinamori outside the door, causing her to spill the tray of drinks she was carrying.

xxxxx

Shuuhei was still at the Fifth Division when Kira returned, and he was still wearing that blasted robe. Kira felt annoyance roar into anger when Shuuhei – _no wait, it's supposed to be Hisagi now_ – Hisagi awarding him a cold, contemptuous look.

“What the hell do you mean by that?” asked Kira softly, storming up to Hisagi.

“By what?”

“That look you just gave me,” replied the blond. “Something I did annoyed you?”

Hisagi cast an eye over him again. “I heard from Renji that you were out the whole night. Had a good time?”

Kira narrowed his large eyes. “You appeared to have a better time than I did. You didn't even have time to get your uniform.”

“It's drying right now.”

“Laundry, even? Not bad for someone who was so heartbroken yesterday,” sneered Kira, his heart pounding.

Hisagi stood up slowly, matching Kira's height. “As if you waited before toddling off to your beloved Gin. Was he gentle with you? Or do you prefer it when he's rough?”

“We did nothing of that sort,” snarled Kira.

“As if,” jeered the dark-haired young man. “Ichimaru Gin letting an innocent and willing young morsel pass? Please. I'm not stupid.”

“Well, you're behaving as if you are.”

Hisagi snapped. “You are talking to your betters, student. You learn some manners or-”

“-or what? You'll beat it into me?” asked Kira. He pointed at where the bruise had been yesterday. “Like before?”

“It's gone,” said Shuuhei flatly. “He healed it, didn't he?”

“At least he cared.”

“Kira Izuru, if you remember, we're through. You're the one who ended it.” Shuuhei – no, Kira must remember that it was Hisagi now – Hisagi was cold and aloof. “And when he ends up hurting you, don't come crying to me. And I get the first 'I told you so', Kira. You will understand, and you will regret this.”

Kira inhaled sharply as Hisagi's reiatsu darkened and pulsed about him. “I won't ever regret it,” he vowed. Hisagi merely sneered and sauntered out of the common office into Aizen-taichou's. Kira could feel the hot denial and furious bitterness at Hisagi's cold attitude. He swallowed it down: he would prove that he made right choice. Gin was not the wrong person; Kira knew it.

But when he heard comradely laughter from behind the door, Kira wanted to smash Shuuhei's face into the wall to shut him up.

 


	17. 17.

Renji studied his best friend over their dinner. Kira was definitely seething, he decided, and thankfully it was not at Renji himself. The last time Renji incurred Kira's ire was when the redhead tried to do the laundry and damaged a delicate silk kimono left to Kira's mother by his father. Renji had ached for weeks.

But the look in Kira's eyes was more than fury. It was mingled with sadness and acceptance and... a touch of something else. Renji wasn't as loud and brash as his appearance suggested: he was still as good at noticing details as he was in Rukongai.

“All right, I know I will regret this, but I gotta know what's wrong,” said Renji at last, putting his utensils on the table.

“Did I say there was anything wrong?” snarled Kira, and slammed his bowl on the table. The bowl cracked.

Renji indicated the bowl.

Kira narrowed his glare and directed it at the offending receptacle, as if wanting it to burst into flame.

The redhead shrugged. “So we have to sit here until I wait the issue out of you?”

“It's Shuuhei,” said Kira immediately.

“Ah.” The taller male sat forward, his elbows resting on the table. “Izuru, you guys broke up. There's bound to be some unhappiness.”

“But does he have to be that cold to me?” replied Kira, hurt and annoyed. “I mean, I tried my best. It didn't work out. I asked if we could be friends and he goes crazy!”

“Considering how mad he is about you,” said Renji calmly, “I'm surprised he didn't duel Ichimaru-fukutaichou for ya. Izuru, Hisagi-sempai loved you. You can't expect him to return to 'just friends' with ya overnight.”

Kira snarled but said nothing. He was well aware that he was acting spoiled and irrationally, but something about Hisagi and Aizen-taichou together got on his nerves. He pushed away from the table.

“Oh no, you're not leaving the washing up to me,” warned Renji as the blond stalked out of their room. “Kira Izuru, you'll wash your share of the dishes tonight!”

“Fine!”

xxxxx

Having found his way to Hisagi's quarters, Kira realized he was acting without thinking properly. Hisagi's dorm mates were clueless as to when the dark-haired shinigami would return, and only volunteered that they had to leave him drinking alone.

“He refused to stop drinking,” said Fujimoto, “but he looked fine, still sober so we just, y'know, left him to it. He's very good at holding his alcohol.”

“He didn't return the entire night, and you guys never bothered to check?” Kira was appalled.

Fujimoto scoffed. “What are you, his mother? He's a grown man.” The stocky shinigami shoved Kira aside roughly and strolled off.

Kira chewed on the inside of his cheek. He could either stick around like a big dummy, or trudge home like an idiot. Just as he was about to decide, Hisagi Shuuhei returned.

“Why are you here?” asked Hisagi brusquely.

The blond bit back a retort. “I wanted to speak with you.”

“Not interested.” The older male opened the door and began tugging off his sandals. “I already said all I intended to say, and you've made your stand perfectly clear.”

“Shuuhei, I just wanted to apologize for the way I behaved this morning.”

“The name is Hisagi-san, junior,” said Hisagi, standing again and staring frostily at Kira. “You are only a student and aren't allowed to enter officer barracks.”

Kira lost it. “Would you stop being such a pigheaded moron? I'm trying to apologize here!”

“You are hereby on a charge of insubordination and trespass,” Hisagi stated. “Leave now before I escort you to the holding cells.”

“I've been here at least half a dozen times before now so don't you pull that rank bullshit on me,” snarled Kira. “I bet even Tousen-taichou knows I stayed over every few weeks.”

“Kira Izuru, you are treading on very thin ice,” warned Hisagi, moving closer.

“I, tread on thin ice?” Kira bared his teeth. “Who's the one shacking up with a captain the same day we broke up?”

Hisagi's punch came out of nowhere. Kira crashed against the jamb, more stunned than hurt. Hisagi's eyes were cold and furious and he hissed, “Fine one to talk, Kira Izuru. You and I both know who's the hypocrite here. Go to your snake-faced captain-to-be, Kira, his bed is probably cold by now. I'm sure he's missing his bitch-”

“Don't you dare,” Kira spat out.

“I'll say whatever the fuck I wanna say. We're no longer 'us' now, remember?”

Kira felt red-hot rage flood through his mind and he hurled a kido spell at Hisagi. The older shinigami blocked easily and the kido spell smashed into the ceiling. Plaster rained down on them both.

The dark-haired shinigami grabbed Kira's arm. “I'll arrest ya, except even I don't wanna piss that silver-haired freak off. Get gone.” He shoved Kira out and slammed the door in the blond's face.

xxxxx

“I need to talk.”

Gin was surprised by Kira's unannounced visit, apparently; he had opened the door, one hand holding a broom, and had only blinked at the young blond.

Kira blinked his large eyes, trying not to be too pathetic. “Please?”

“Come in,” said Gin after a short moment. “But you won't stay the night. You need your friends more than you need me tonight.”

Kira's brow crinkled. “But-”

Gin was adamant. “Go wash up. We'll talk over tea.”

Kira nodded and padded over to the plain bathroom at the end of the hallway. The rooms of the Third Division captain's were huge and isolated from the rest of the Third Division: scuttlebutt has it that Rinbayashi-taichou, the previous captain, had liked it this way, to be far from her underlings. It was a very different approach to Aizen-taichou's amiability and geniality.

As he rinsed his face, Kira was surprised that he wasn't actually upset. He wasn't upset over the loss of the relationship, just the thought of Hisagi hooking up with Aizen-taichou. He was angry. That was it. Kira was angry.

Perhaps it was that sneaky suspicion that Hisagi was trying to get back at both Gin and Kira at the same time – but Hisagi couldn't be thinking that, right? Hisagi was a good guy, upright, fond of the usual dirty jokes and alcohol and duty and so forth. He was a good soldier, a good man.

“You're blabbering,” Kira told his reflection sternly.

He plodded back to the living area again. Gin was still lounging against the wall. Upon seeing Kira, the silver-haired lieutenant gestured for Kira to sit by him on a cushion. Kira managed a small smile and seated himself. He found himself unable to look at the older man in the eyes.

“I'm sorry,” Kira murmured, ashamed of his impulsive decision to come to the Third Division.

Gin tilted his head. “What for?”

“Coming to bother you like this,” Kira replied, ashamed of himself. “I didn't... I didn't want to go back to the dorm, Renji would've... I don't think I can answer his questions now.”

Gin regarded Kira almost paternally. Then he pulled Kira against his side, and the younger man felt himself relax into the embrace. It reminded him of security and safety, and of that night they spent in the forest. Kira had felt safe then. Safe, and wanted.

Kira gazed out blankly and breathed in the light but heady scent. It was nice, just to lie against Gin, feel that slight warmth and knowing that Gin wouldn't hurt him, not the way Hisagi was trying to. Gin wouldn't lead Kira on – because Kira knew Gin loved Aizen-taichou, and so whatever he felt for Kira wouldn't be love.

Kira was fine with that. As long as he knew what he was getting into, he would be fine with anything. All he asked was to stay by Gin's side.

The lights in the room winked out one by one. Kira could feel the puffs of kido that smothered each flame, leaving only one near them both. The dim interior grew darker as Kira lowered his eyelids. The young man burrowed closer surreptitiously, and smiled to himself when he heard Gin begin to sing.

He had a pleasant voice, if accented; what bothered Kira was that the silver-haired shinigami couldn't recall all the words to the folk song. He had heard Hinamori sing it before.

“... 'cross the verdant glade, beneath the golden sun.... la di da something something something without mercy... wildflowers in summertime fade like shadows, they fade like shadows fleeing the night la di dum di di dum ladida... something winter bites and the frost is cruelly killing... wildflowers in summertime la di dum dum di da dum...”

Kira could bear it no longer. He opened one eye and drawled, “Gin, I think it might be better if you don't sing.”

Gin wasn't offended. “Ingrate,” he scolded affectionately. “Alright. You feeling better?”

With great reluctance, Kira sat up. “Yes, actually, I am. I should return.”

A slender, pale hand touched Kira's right cheek. “You should. Sleep well, pretty Kira. I'll see you around tomorrow.”

Though he didn't want to go, Kira left anyway. Words tumbled through his brain as he sought to find words that could explain the situation to Renji who would undoubtedly try to pry the truth out of Kira.

xxxxx

Renji was already snoring by the time Kira made it to his bedroom. The blond was half-exasperated; he spent the better part of his return journey fretting and it was all for nothing.

Sometimes Kira wondered why he bothered so much about the redhead's good opinion.

xxxxx

Kira looked at Shuuhei, the fierce glower clear despite the shadowed forest they were in, and stepped forward. Shuuhei's expression softened; he pulled Kira into an embrace and Kira inhaled that unique scent of fir and musk and snow... the unique scent of Hisagi Shuuhei.

Cold hands, cold hands and a hot mouth; Shuuhei kissed Kira hungrily, tongue pressing and twining lazily with Kira's willingly pliant one. There was a gasp. Kira blinked up at Shuuhei, the man silhouetted against the light.

“I'm sorry,” Kira whispered, releasing the blade in his hand. It was embedded in Shuuhei's abdomen. Shuuhei gazed at it, emptily, before raising confused and hurt eyes to Kira. The blond backed away. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry.”

“You're not sorry. Not yet,” Shuuhei promised. He touched his wound and raised his hand to the moonlight. “You will know the meaning though. Very soon, Kira Izuru, you will understand what it means to be sorry.”

The younger male was staring at Shuuhei's hand. It was coated with silver. It stank of blood, of death, of despair and misery and terrible loneliness – Shuuhei tilted his head, scrutinizing his hand, and then wiped the blood over his face. The silver liquid flowed from where he had left traces, running down his face and neck. The stench of blood filled Kira's senses. Shuuhei threw his head back and howled at the silver moon, the silver blood on his face as glowingly bright as the heavenly orb above.

Something slammed into Kira's back and forced him to his knees. A blade slipped under his jaw and forced his head back. Thin fingers wove into his hair; a soft voice purred at his left ear.

“You're not sorry,” it insinuated, the blade almost lovingly pressed against the flat side of his chin. Kira shuddered as a tongue traced the outer edges and then slid in, pulled out. “Not yet.”

The blade's sharp edge pricked into flesh and Kira screamed noiselessly into the darkened forest.

xxxxx

“IZURU!!” Renji shouted, shaking Kira awake.

The blond's eyes shot open. He was shaking, sweat-drenched, and curled in a fetal pose. His hands were cramped; his fingers were so tightly curled it was practically impossible to unclench them.

Renji placed a hand on Kira's shoulder. “Hey. You alright? You're crying.”

Kira could barely nod. With great effort of will he forced himself to relax, muscle by muscle. Renji patted his shoulder awkwardly, before patting Kira on the back in a soothing motion, helping the blond to get his breathing under control.

“Thanks, Renji,” whispered Kira after a long while. “I h-had a nightmare.”

“I figured that,” said Renji. “You want somethin' to help you sleep?”

Kira shook his head. “It's fine. It's over. Let's go to bed; we still have a week left of our internship.”

Renji cocked his head. “You sure you're alright?”

“Yes, I'm fine.” Kira smiled at his friend for his concern. When the redhead padded back to his futon, Kira shut his eyes – but not to sleep.

He could not sleep. Not when he remembered that soft, purring voice that had whispered in his ear. It was his fevered mind, perhaps, that was playing tricks on him, but even as he recalled the voice he could feel the tendrils of chilly anticipation trickle down his spine.

 

 


	18. 18.

Ichimaru Gin was in a foul mood.

Anyone with eyes could see that. The silver-haired captain-to-be slammed his way about the office, grabbing his documents and few personal belongings and throwing them into a box, his reiatsu a storm that growled at the jugular of the world. No one wanted to be in the office; all were eager to be on delivery duty or on field patrol. The hapless few remaining were those who had weathered such furious reiatsu before or were too low-ranking to think of a way to escape.

Aizen-taichou was away at the Academy with Hisagi from the ninth division who, it was rumored, was Aizen-taichou's new almost-lover. At least the scuttlebutt had been so, but in extremely muted volumes so as not to tempt the ire of the exiting lieutenant.

Hinamori Momo and Kira Izuru, being mere interns, had been pushed into the office to assist the older shinigami. Kira kept busy rearranging the contents of individual boxes, assiduously avoiding eye contact while Momo bustled about helping to pack the scrolls and decorative items away.

“Enough,” Gin snapped after a tense hour. “You're done with this. Kira, you move the stuff over to my rooms. Hinamori, tell Abarai to come here and assist Kira. Grab a broom and clean up the room.”

The second the door shut on Momo, Gin stalked over and pulled Kira into a crushing hug and deep kiss. Kira felt the captain-to-be's domineering tongue force its way into the blond's mouth, milking every startled whimper out. When Gin abruptly sank his canine into Kira's lower lip, the younger man cried out and pulled away instinctively.

Kira touched his lip, tasting blood on the tip of his tongue. _What in the world-_

“You know about Hisagi, don't you?” the silver-haired shinigami snarled. “Him and Aizen-taichou?”

“I... heard, but I'm sure Hisagi-sempai isn't... isn't, um...”

“Isn't _inveigling_ his way into my taichou's bed?” Gin growled, half-to himself. Kira's throat closed when Gin mentioned 'my taichou'. He knew it was stupid, it was hopeless. Gin wasn't even kissing Kira; he was venting, and his mind was on Aizen-taichou.

The young man breathed out evenly. “He's not the type.”

“Hell if he isn't.” Gin's reiatsu was cold and burning acid that swirled about the room. “I can see right through his act-”

Momo chose that moment to return with Renji. The redhead's eyes immediately caught the spot of crimson on Kira's mouth, and the angry look Gin directed at all three of them. Reni bowed and took the largest of the boxes, before Momo loaded him with three more on top. Kira grabbed a trunk, two smaller boxes, and a bag of scrolls, before he led the way to Gin's quarters.

On the way Renji walked closer to Kira. “What happened back there?”

“Nothing,” lied Kira.

“Izuru.”

Kira looked straight ahead. “Nothing.”

“Kira Izuru.”

“All right,” Kira gave in slightly. “He's angry. Not at me. I just happened to be there.”

Renji narrowed his dark red eyes. “Hisagi-sempai?” he guessed in a low voice.

Kira's silence was as good as an affirmative.

Renji hissed through his teeth. “Sempai better watch out... I hear Ichimaru-fukutaichou isn't a man to cross.”

“As if any Gotei captain is.”

“You're right,” agreed Renji. “But he is just... kinda creepy.” Then he stopped in his tracks before jogging to catch up with Kira. “And you are effin' horrible.”

Kira was startled by the proclamation. “What? Why?”

“You never told me you and... and the lieutenant were involved!” Renji whispered, cautious of prying ears.

“I-I, um, I'm... We're not, definitely not.” Kira suddenly remembered why he had been avoiding his friend. “I-I-I mean, I like him, and, uh, yeah. That's all.”

“Uh-huh,” drawled the fiery redhead. He pointed at the tear in Kira's lip. “I believe that. And I'm a shy, wilting wallflower.”

“Renji, please,” Kira said quietly. “It's all screwed up right now, because of – whatever we have, and Hisagi-sempai and Aizen-taichou are now all involved, and I don't know how to put it right.” They had reached the third division. The gate guards, having seen Kira before and knowing that his captain-to-be had sent them, allowed the two interns into the division.

Utagawa-fukutaichou was in the office and barely acknowledged them as Kira started putting out official documents from Gin. Once he was done, Utagawa led them to the captain's rooms and told one of the unseated officers to watch Renji and Kira while they unpack the boxes. The officer sat outside, bored, yawning now and then. The two young men worked fast and left as soon as they could. Renji returned to the topic immediately.

“Put it right?”

“Yes,” said Kira, “put it right so that they aren't hurting so badly. I feel responsible for this mess.”

Renji frowned. “But hadn't the captain and lieutenant been arguing frequently? And there's that law about no two captains being, what was the phrasing, 'involved in a manner whereby one party is able to heavily influence the decisions of another, leading to choices made that may disadvantage or be of no benefit to Gotei 13, Seireitei or Soul Society.'” Renji looked pleased with his memorizing skills.

“Which, legally, outlaws friendships between the captains,” Kira muttered snidely.

“Hey, I don't make the rules. The Central 46 is the group that approved the law,” Renji retorted.

Kira sighed. “I don't know. I find it uncomfortable being there with any of them, and I grew up with uncomfortable. I lived with my aunt, for heaven's sake.”

“You can't put it right, Izuru.” Renji made a sympathetic face. “I don't have all the facts, but I guess you and sempai blew it because of, y'know. Cause of that -” he pointed at the lip again “-and sempai isn't the kind to take it lying down.”

Kira nibbled at his lip, wincing when he found the bloodied spot. “I know. Gi-Ichimaru-taichou thinks that's why Hisagi's with Aizen-taichou right now.”

Renji frowned and then he chuckled uneasily. “I doubt sempai'll stoop that low, Izuru.”

The shorter male shrugged with one shoulder. He had a premonition that things were about to get very, very messy.

XXXXX

The celebration at the fifth division barracks two nights later on Ichimaru-taichou's promotion was exuberant and lively and wrought with tension. It was also the interns' final night with their divisions - they had a fortnight's holiday before the Academy reopened for lessons.

Chuman and Okada had bonded as brothers, and both announced their intention to join the Onmitsukido – Chuman had the connections – and were roundly derided for “abusing the hospitality of the fifth”. Hinamori, on the other hand, had blushed deeply but said she would reapply for the fifth for sure.

“That's because you have a crush on taichou,” Chiba teased loudly. He already had a fair amount to drink.

Mesuda toasted to that statement. “Hinamori-san, do work hard and take over my job, eh? I don't really fancy myself as lieutenant!”

“You don't have a choice,” drawled Ichimaru Gin, slouched against the wall. His cheeks were pink with the haze of alcohol. “We picked ya. I know you'll perform up to expectations, right?”

With another sigh, Mesuda finished his cup of sake. “I do wish you had picked Yanaihara, Ichimaru-fu – Ichimaru-taichou. He's way better than I am in zanjutsu and hakuda.”

“Hey, I don't want the job,” protested Yanaihara. “No one wants it – no one's gonna live up to Ichimaru-taichou's standards.”

“You don't have to.” The silver-haired shinigami grinned lazily. The other officers chimed in and complained good-naturedly about how Gin had set the bar too high for the rest of them.

Kira yawned and sipped his drink slowly, eyes never leaving the top seat officers. Perhaps it was his imagination, but he could see how Gin's smile was fixed and how often his gaze would flicker to the empty chair in the room.

That chair was meant for Aizen-taichou. He had not turned up.

Over where the interns were, there was a game of dice going on. Kira had demurred, saying he had no idea how to play it, but Renji had plunged right in and was on a winning streak.

Chuman groaned when his dice showed three. “I can't believe I lost again!”

“Yeah! Sixes!” cheered Renji, pumping a fist into the air. “Who's up next?”

Kira squeezed his eyes shut. He had to go for a walk to the necessary and maybe clear his head.

XXXXX

Gin was leaning against the balustrade outside the division dojo. When Kira was on his way back, he saw the older male, his smile faded and his demeanor defeated. Daringly, the blond walked over.

“Ichimaru-taichou,” he called softly.

Gin glanced at Kira. “Isn't it supposed to be Gin?”

Kira smiled, shy and tentative. “You're a captain now.”

Gin let his head roll back. “Yes, I am, aren't I?” His lips curved in an approximation of a smile. “He couldn't even come to a farewell party,” he murmured, mostly to himself.

There was a raucous cheer from inside the room; someone had apparently won a game. Kira debated whether to let Gin brood or to stay with him until he felt better. It wasn't really a debate, of course.

The older shinigami looked at Kira again. “Come here,” he instructed. Obediently, Kira trotted over and was pulled into a hug. Gin's fingers trailed through fine golden hair and pressed Kira's face to his neck.

Kira reached around Gin and embraced him, trying to convey his concern for the new captain. His efforts were rewarded with a small kiss on his ear and a pat on his back.

“You smell nice,” commented Gin after a moment, not releasing Kira from his hold.

There was a strong indication of alcohol about Gin, Kira realized. The pale captain was almost certainly drunk. And when Gin's hands slithered down Kira's sides, the blond youth was certain and pulled away. “Ichimaru-taichou, let's get you back inside. I'll prepare some tea for you.”

Slitted eyes regarded Kira. “First of all, I'm tipsy, not drunk. Secondly, I needed fresh air away from those loud morons. Thirdly, I want to suck you off right now.”

The third statement shut down Kira's mental processes. He goggled and tried to swallow. “Wh-what?”

“I want to suck you off,” Gin repeated. “I want your cock in my mouth, I want to feel you coming down my throat while I lick and kiss you to high heaven. I want you to thrust into me while trying not to scream as I massage your balls and finger your ass.”

_I must have fainted inside the washroom. Gin canNOT be talking dirty right now, not like this._

“Um, Ichimaru-taichou-”

“I want to keep your dick in my control until you forget that fucking epithet and only remember Gin,” the captain continued, now slowly drawing Kira closer to himself. “I want to kiss the inside of your thigh, marking you with my teeth. I want to stroke you up your shaft and over the head. I want to see your knees shaking to hold you up, to feel you dampening skin as I take you deep into my throat.” He yanked Kira hard against him and hissed into his ear. “I want you begging me to let you orgasm, I want you watching me swallow your come, I want you to get all hard again observing me licking you clean and sucking on my fingers, I want you crying for me to do it all over again.”

Kira was trembling by now. He thought he knew dirty talk when Shuuhei did it, but it had always been in the process of lovemaking when the dark-haired shinigami dropped into dirty-talk mode. He never expected Gin to be that blatant right in public. Anybody who had come by would have heard most of what he said.

“Now the question is,” Gin continued, his breath warm and invitingly intoxicating, “do you want me to?”

“Oh yes,” Kira breathed out before he could censor his reactions. “Yes, please. Please.”

“Good.” Gin pulled away slightly and dragged Kira behind him.

They entered the dojo's storeroom. There were some dummies and practice blades, but Gin ignored all those. He headed straight for the mats and shoved Kira onto them. Before the blond could scramble upright or repent of his brash agreement, Gin had straddled the younger male.

His slender hands pinned Kira below him and his mouth locked over the golden-haired youth's. Kira moaned as Gin ground his hips down. Then one hand slipped down to Kira's waist and tugged the belt apart.

There were a few minutes of hurried activity, and finally Kira was naked from the waist down. Gin studied the young man again and licked his lips, his smile suddenly widening. In the gloomy half-light of the storeroom, Kira suddenly felt afraid. As if sensing his apprehension, Gin ran a finger over Kira's half-hard erection, and then another, and then another, before wrapping his hand about the younger man's excitement. Scooting lower and placing himself between Kira's thighs, Gin lowered his mouth and enveloped the head.

Kira gasped; Gin's mouth was hotter than he had expected, and a lazy tongue trailed all over the tip. Gin then shook his captain's coat off, along with the top of his uniform. Even in semi-darkness his skin was practically luminous.

“You're so beautiful,” whispered Kira fervently.

Gin merely smiled and licked the erection in his hand. Kira shuddered. Gin continued with his tongue, generously laving it with saliva and running his fingers all over Kira's cock and balls. His nails scraped gently down Kira's inner thighs and the youth choked back a cry.

Gin murmured something against Kira's hip, but before Kira could respond Gin began sucking on the thin skin at the hip, sucking hard and then setting his teeth to the skin. Kira moaned aloud now, one hand reaching for Gin's hair and the other hand flying to his mouth. The older male grinned wickedly and slid his hands up Kira's torso, under the shirts, and then pinched the hardened nubs of Kira's nipples.

The abrupt sensation caused Kira to writhe and arch off the mat. Gin then took hold of the base of Kira's cock and slipped it into his mouth. Kira's eyes fluttered shut as his focus shifted and he shifted his legs wider. Gin obliged, his free hand gently stroking up Kira's right inner thigh and slipping around to clutch round buttocks. His left hand slid around the shaft, adding a new dimension of pleasure.

“Gin!” the young blond choked out. “C-close, close...” He took in another gasp of breath when Gin picked up the pace, both his hands now on his erection, turning left and right while his tongue swirled about the tip and flicked at the thin flap of skin below the head. Then Gin released on hand, keeping the other around the base, and took Kira in as much as he could, swallowing repeatedly until Kira came with a strangled moan.

Kira felt like weeping, he felt so cherished and desired and treasured. “Gin... Gin, I've never... Gin, Gin...” His voice was slightly hoarse but his eyes remained clear, so he saw how the captain had regarded fondly at Kira as he kissed the softening member. The silver-haired captain pulled away gingerly, his hands rubbing slow circles on Kira's belly and thighs until the young man's tremors ceased.

“You're beautiful,” Kira repeated, sitting up. Gin tugged on his kimono top and retied his belt, before reaching over to assist Kira with his clothing. After they had straightened Kira's hakama, Gin pulled the slender young male into another hug.

“G-Gin?”

“Shh,” murmured the captain, “just let me hold you like this.” He burrowed into Kira's hair and ran the flat of his hand down pale gold hair. “I will be waiting for you in the third, Kira. Remember what I said about the fourth division, but don't linger there too long, all right?”

Kira's heart skipped a beat. Hearing these words stirred him more than the sudden sexual encounter earlier; he clung to Gin tightly, wanting to affirm that it was not a dream. “I won't linger too long, Gin.”

“Will you call me Gin when we're alone in the future?” asked the silver-haired shinigami, releasing Kira and pulling him to the door.

“Do you want me to?” asked Kira artlessly, fingers linking with Gin's.

The older male tilted his head, his inscrutable smile more mysterious in shadowed profile. “Only when we're alone, Kira.”

“Yessir.” Kira saluted with his free hand.

Gin laughed softly and pressed a tender kiss to Kira's lips. He tasted slightly salty/bitter – Kira blushed when he realized why – and then the older man left him at the dojo, sweeping out of the large space.

Kira touched his mouth, uncertain why he felt a stronger sense of foreboding once Gin left his sight.


	19. 19.

The five interns headed back to the Academy with little fanfare. The captain had debriefed them personally. Hinamori was of course perky and exhilarated that her Aizen-taichou had spoken to them one by one, and had told her to re-apply for internship at the fifth the next time around. The fact that he had said the same to Renji and Kira did not seem to penetrate her brain.

Back at the Academy, lessons commenced. This being the first week back to school, classes were mostly informal and there was the usual flurry of mismatched timetables and appeals to take certain subjects. Hinamori, Kira, Renji and a handful of their classmates from the first class opted for Ethics, and were approved, though lectures would start only in the second week.

With the onset of autumn, Kira's attention was increasingly drawn to the red-leaved hills and Renji's to the rich harvest.

“I'm going to my parents' graves,” Kira said on their first weekend break. He leaned on the balustrade, watching leaves fall from the few trees in the Academy's central yard. “Do you want to come with?”

“Yeah, why not?” said Renji. He looked longingly at the bushels of apples being carted into the kitchens. “Hey, for the afternoon, you wanna come with me to the hills? The views are awesome right now, Nakano told me yesterday. Of course, he brought his new girl, so he probably wasn't looking at the trees.”

Kira frowned. “New girl? I thought he was going out with Mori Chinatsu?”

The redhead shrugged. “He changes girls every two weeks. This time it's a senior. Kimura Yui.”

“Kimura-san? She's nice,” said Kira. “Nakano-san better not anger her though; she has a mean kido streak.”

Renji laughed. “You were matched against her the last tournament, weren't you?”

“Yes, and she beat me.”

“Can't be helped. She's really good. Wish I was as good as she is.” Renji puffed his cheeks out. “Right now, I wish I had an apple. It's just the right day for one.”

Seeing her classmates, Hinamori jogged up to the two young men standing in the student dormitory hallway.

“Hey, what are you guys doing today?” she asked, passing Renji and Kira each an apple.

“I wish for a million dollars,” Renji closed his eyes and announced.

“Huh?”

Kira burst out laughing. To the girl, he waved a hand and explained, “It's nothing, just incredible timing.”

When Renji opened one eye and then sighed dramatically with disappointment, Kira cracked up again. That set Renji off too and the two men could not restrain their mirth until Hinamori folded her arms and stamped her foot.

“All right, all right,” wheezed Renji after some time. “We're gonna head to pay our respects to Izuru's parents, and then I'm thinkin' of heading out to Rukongai. It is a weekend, so I really wanna go on a walkabout.”

“Oh, did you hear? There's a new _biwa_ player at the Silver-Crested Heron. They say he looks-” here the girl peeked around as if in conspiracy and leaned in, “-they say he looks like Kuchiki-taichou. And sings like an angel.”

Renji's interest was caught. He darted a glance at Kira. “Shall we?”

Kira smiled. “Why not?”

xxxxx

When they came to the Silver-Crested Heron, it was already packed. Kira was beginning to wish he had stayed in his room. How were they ever going to get into the drinking house, let alone hear the marvelous singing of this popular _biwa_ player?

“Hey guys, check that out,” said Renji, nudging Kira. The redheaded youth led Kira and Hinamori to the side alley. “Betcha we can shimmy up these pipes and get in from the second floor.”

“That doesn't seem like a good idea-” the blond hesitated, but when Hinamori and Renji made their way to the pipes Kira gave in and followed.

After some work – Kira thanked the heavens he was quite light – the three of them managed to squeeze onto the stairway. Kira noticed how Renji's eyes fixed on the musician the instant they had a clear view of the man. He did look remarkably like Kuchiki-taichou, but it was the melancholy in his voice and his gaze that echoed the captain strongest.

Hinamori and some of the other women in the crowd were sighing over his melodic voice and angelic voice, while a few of the men gazed upon the musician as if on a lover. It was one of those men that attracted Kira's attention: Ichimaru Gin.

The new captain was also in the audience, dressed in a somber deep blue robe. His silver hair gleamed. Even when the singer began his piece, Kira focused only on the captain. Gin's smile had altered to reflect genuine contentment and there was a tinge of sorrow in his face.

xxxxx

“That was great,” bubbled Hinamori as they returned to the student dorms. “Kitamura-san looked _gorgeous_. And those eyes? Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh.” The contented curve of her lips emphasized her dreamy, blissful gaze.

Renji and Kira looked at each other and rolled their eyes at the same time. The taller of the two poked Hinamori's shoulder. “Eh, Momo, does this mean you've shifted your affections from Aizen-taichou to Kitamura-san?”

“No!” The girl's denial was swift and sharp, but her cheeks flamed pink. “I mean, I still admire Aizen-taichou the most, but Kitamura-san is, um, well, I don't wanna say pretty...”

“Hot?” Renji supplied.

“Sexy?” Kira put in.

“Unbearably cute?”

“Impossibly beautiful?”

Renji's wicked grin grew. “Devilishly handsome?”

“Unutterably gorgeous?” Kira added.

“Swooningly, devastatingly, pulse-racingly delectable?”

Kira couldn't resist. “Oh-god-my-sizzling-loins seductively luscious?”

“You made that up,” Renji told Kira in an aside.

The blond shrugged his left shoulder. “Well, she's not exactly disagreeing with any of these descriptions.”

Hinamori Momo glared at them both, but there was a smile nevertheless. “I just happen to think he's good-looking and very talented. However, from the way you two are describing him, I'd say you are the ones with crushes on Kitamura-san.” She flounced off before either of the guys could grab her. “Goodnight and sweet dreams!” She stuck a tongue out before running back to her room.

Kira chuckled. “That girl is ridiculous.”

They walked at a sedate pace back to their own room. Renji stretched and linked his fingers behind his head. “Say, you didn't find him attractive in, um, that way?”

“Th- oh.” Kira nibbled his lower lip. “He's handsome enough, but... I prefer, um, stronger men. More... dominant.”

“Oh.” Renji appeared thoughtful. “So, Hisagi-san, Ichimaru-taichou...”

“Yeah.”

The red-haired young man kept picking at his train of thought, as if trying to find the root of the itch under the wound. “And you...”

Kira had to smile at his best friend's discomfort. “Yes, I am the, uh... I submit.”

Renji had to look elsewhere. “Oh.” Then he added, “Okay. I was just curious.”

“I know.” Kira nudged Renji in his ribs. “Too bad you're straight. I'd like someone like you; tall, muscular, bad-ass tattoos.”

“That's not something to joke about, Izuru,” Renji warned.

The shorter male frowned. “What?” Then light dawned. “You _were_ attracted to Kitamura-san?”

“Well, I mean, you saw him! He was... he looked really sexy strumming and caressing the _biwa_ and his legs crossed and that arch of his neck...” Renji voice grew increasingly softer. Then he grimaced. “Oh gods, I'm doomed, aren't I?”

Kira patted his shoulder. “I'm sure it's just objective admiration. Like you said, he looked really good.”

Renji halted in his tracks. “Izuru,” he said, looking at his friend, “it wasn't objective admiration.”

The blond blinked. Then his blue eyes widened. “No. No way.”

“I hope not,” groaned Renji. He brightened at a thought. “I mean, maybe it's because he reminded me of Rukia.”

“Maybe.” Kira could hear the naked hope in Renji's voice, but maybe that was the truth too. He understood Renji's terror at not being straight – he had a lot of difficulty accepting his sexual preferences when he first discovered how much he liked the neighbor next door, and how much trauma he suffered keeping that a secret from his parents. His aunt, at the moment, had no clue to his inclinations. He dreaded the moment his aunt found out he felt no attraction to women.

By the time they got into bed, Kira's thoughts were centered on Gin's wistful expression in the drinking house when the captain listened to Kitamura-san play the _biwa._ What was he thinking about?

xxxxx

xxxxx

Monday rolled around.

It wasn't all that hard to pretend that everything was fine, Kira realized. Even though it was searingly tough to maintain the facade, he managed it. He had expected this anyway.

Hisagi Shuuhei called the roll for Ethics class, his deep voice carrying through the spacious lecture hall. Kira raised his hand – it did not shake but his voice was softer than usual as he answered. Hisagi merely ticked off his name and went on to the next.

Just as the final name was called and answered, Aizen-taichou strode in. “Good morning.”

“Good morning Aizen-taichou,” most of the class chorused. Hinamori was seated right at the front, hanging on to every minute gesture and word. Renji and Kira were somewhere in the middle.

Aizen-taichou glanced at his notes. “Now, I know not all of you want to be in this course. Not because it's boring, but because you know I'm the one grading it this time, and it is fiendishly difficult to earn a high rating when I grade the papers. Some of you are allowed to take it despite not being in the appropriate year – you know who you are – and will probably find my style of instruction alienating. I talk fast, I do not hand out notes, and I expect you to contribute. If you fail the course, take it again the next round; I do not and will not have repeats in my classes.” He smiled. “On the other hand, I welcome questions, as long as they are genuine queries and not attempts to waste my time. I intend to pass at most half the class. As for which half you belong to... well, that is up to you.”

A few girls exchanged glances. Kira smirked and hid his mouth with a wrist. The captain leaned back against the desk on the raised platform.

“Now that we have that clear, any questions?”

xxxxx

Hisagi met Kira's eyes when the younger man walked past on his way out. Kira bobbed his head and attempted a smile. Hisagi nodded and returned to arranging papers for the next lecture.

xxxxx

“Is there a Kira Izuru here?” a plump shinigami asked at the door of the tutorial room. “He has a message from Ichimaru-tacihou of the Third Division.”

“I am Kira Izuru,” said Kira, standing up. The tutor motioned for him to leave the room. Kira walked out briskly, trying not to appear too eager. “Good afternoon. Um, what is the message?”

“First, sign here, and here, and here,” said the shinigami. “This isn't an official message, but since the captain wants to deliver it via official means, we must have signatures. All right, this is it.”

Kira took the blue envelope and thanked the messenger. It was sealed and, at the flap of the envelope, Gin wrote, _Open in private._

xxxxx

That night, Kira unfolded the message and read it by the candlelight. The soft scent of cypress wafted from the paper and Kira sniffed tentatively.

_Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo._

“What on earth...” Kira stared at the Latin, willing it to make sense. It refused to divulge its meaning. “Fine thing to give a guy before bedtime,” groused Kira, before kissing the note and putting it under his pillow.

xxxxx

The library was open at all hours, but it was almost always deserted in the wee hours of the morning. Having woken up much earlier than usual, Kira had to find his way into the towering stacks and seek out the foreign language rooms.

To his surprise, Kuchiki-taichou was in one of the hallways leading to the rooms. He had a book on strategy open in his hand while he walked. The captain of the Sixth looked up when Kira stepped onto the tiles of the hallway. The young man nervously bowed, before scurrying off when dismissed by the raven-haired captain.

It was intimidating, standing all by his lonesome in the seldom-used wing for Foreign Society. After twenty minutes Kira found the shelves housing multilingual dictionaries and another fifteen minutes before he found the shelf for Latin.

 _Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo._ The words were already imprinted in Kira's mind. He flipped through the pages, and put aside the first dictionary. And the second. And the third.

“Pedicabo- oh. Oh.” Kira's face flushed so redly that Renji's hair would be put to shame. Though he told himself it would be better not to look the rest up, Kira could not resist the urge. The rest of the sentence was equally blush-inducing and Kira shut the fourth fook, _the Unabridged and Unexpurgated Latin Dictionary_. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, wishing he had not been so curious to decipher the message. Eventually he licked his lips and looked up.

“Well,” he told himself, “at least he makes his intentions clear.”

 

 


	20. 20.

“Izuru, did you see my _Strategies_ textbook?”

Kira paused mid-chew. “ _Strategies_? Nope. I thought you had it with you for class yesterday.”

“I did! I even had it for this morning's classes!” Renji wailed. “I need to revise for a test but I can't remember where I put it!”

“Relax, I'll help you search.” Kira swallowed his apricot. “Where've you looked?”

The tall redhead ticked off places he'd been. “Bedroom, cafeteria... I haven't checked the cafeteria and the bathroom. And the classrooms... aw man, there are too many places!”

“You take the bathroom, I'll head for the cafeteria. You must've left it someplace while you were eating.” Kira closed the notebook he had been writing in. “Meet at the cafeteria in twenty minutes, and we'll head to the classroom blocks together.”

“Thanks, Izuru, really appreciate your help.”

xxxxx

The cafeteria was eerily quiet without the usual hustle and bustle of ravenous students. Most students came from places where food was a privilege, so generally the cafeteria would be occupied. This late afternoon, though, it was uncomfortably silent.

Kira wandered along the aisles, trying to spot the blue textbook. It wasn't a large book, however, and there were about fifty tables with double the number of benches. The blond youth strode on patiently, occasionally shifting some furniture to check under them.

He heard footsteps approaching. Without turning around, he said, “I hope you've found it, because it's not likely to be here-” Kira was sent sprawling painfully into the benches when someone shoved him hard from behind. “Renji?”

“Not _Renji_ , dumbass,” sneered two older students whom Kira could not recognize. He vaguely recalled seeing them about the Academy's compound, but he never took classes with them before, he was certain of that. One was tall, with thin mousy hair that fell over his eyes and jug ears; the other was short and stocky, with a thick nose and a series of hoops in his right ear.

Kira struggled to his feet. “What was that for?”

“For being a whore, blond. We heard about you and the new taichou.” The tallest one bared his upper teeth. “And that you broke up with Hisagi-sempai so that you can spread your legs for Ichimaru.”

“That's Ichimaru-taichou to you,” said Kira. He stared at the two who had attacked him. “There's nothing going on between Ichimaru-taichou and myself. What is Shuuhei's relationship with you two anyway?”

The shorter one narrowed his eyes and growled, “My sister witnessed you getting jerked off by the captain, in some forest while you guys were supposed to be on some mission. Hisagi-sempai deserved so much better than you, you lying, cheating slut.”

“Shuuhei and I broke up for other reasons-” A kido spell missed Kira's left cheek narrowly

“Don't you dare call him by his name,” hissed the tall one, his fingers crackling. “We saw how broken up he was over _you_. You didn't see at all, being obsessed with the new captain. Well, he now has a new boytoy, and you're free game for anyone now.”

Kira smiled without humor. “So you guys didn't dare attack me because you were afraid I'll go crying to Ichimaru-taichou? And you claim to be standing up for Shuuhei?” His blue gaze hardened. “You're despicable. Shuuhei would be ashamed to know you used his name to assault anyone, and I don't need to beg help from Ichimaru-taichou.” Two successive bursts of blue kido slammed into the shorter attacker, who fell and rolled backwards.

The taller attacker fired off his own spells which Kira blocked clumsily, and the blond ducked and rolled out of the way when a stronger spell careened his way. One which he didn't notice until it was too late hit his ankle when he shifted and Kira hissed with agony.

The noise was bound to attract someone soon, and Kira held on to the thought. It would be better to just defend and not counter-attack: his position would be much stronger when questioned. The shorter one had recovered and was adding his attack to his friend's. Kira was finding it harder to defend himself; he could only hope someone of authority would walk in now and stop this nonsense.

“Izuru, I foun- hey! What are you doing? Bastards!”

“Renji, no!”

The redhead had already leveled his uncontrolled kido cannon at the two, and the result red blast smashed the attackers against the far wall, breaking a number of tables and benches in the process. The two students slid from the wall onto the floor, unconscious.

Kira unfolded from his defensive crouch. “I should say thank you, but I have no idea how we're gonna explain this.”

“I say we skedaddle like the hell now,” Renji said and dragged his friend away. When they had fled the scene, Renji slowed. “Alright, what the heck was going on back there?”

“I got attacked,” Kira said simply. His left ankle hurt and he rested against the wall.

“Why?”

Kira shrugged, unwilling to repeat the accusations and insults. Though part of it had been true – he was still shocked that he had been seen – he didn't want to think that Shuuhei would have friends who would attack those who hurt Shuuhei.

Renji finally noticed that the sock and sandal on his friend's left foot were burned cleaned off. “You're injured.”

“Just superficial burns,” Kira temporized, but yelped when Renji gave him a small push. The blond almost toppled over.

The redheaded student raised an eyebrow. “Superficial burns, right.” He hoisted Kira's slender left arm about his waist (his shoulder being far taller than was comfortable for Kira) and directed them to the infirmary.

The healer on duty was a smallish, stammering young shinigami. He bowed nervously and, without asking any questions at all, made Kira sit down, Renji hold up Kira's left foot, and set to healing the injury.

Kira was grateful that the dark-haired healer never queried the source of the injuries. Perhaps he knew that there were such incidences and, being of the fourth division, would be powerless to stop them from reoccurring or stop instigators from turning on him.

When they left the infirmary, Kira was able to walk properly, though he was chary of putting additional pressure on his left foot.

“You found your textbook?” he asked Renji.

Renji waved the book in question. “I was talking about Kitamura-san to Fujikawa, and I guess we were too absorbed in the conversation. Anyway, we're heading out again this weekend to hear him sing. You wanna come along?”

“Why not? He does sound great.”

xxxxx

Ichimaru Gin wore a strange aura about him, Kira realized as he studied the captain from a distance. The class was out at the Gotei's main archives on a field trip for Research Methodology: Human and Plus Geography.

The silver-haired captain was in another room at a lower level, speaking to someone Kira could not see. Gin looked relaxed and calm, but at some level Kira recognized the signs of irritation and impatience the newest captain was exhibiting. His aura was not of command, like that of the soutaichou, nor of innate and restrained potency, like that of Aizen-taichou, but almost too faint to be felt.

Yet he was undoubtedly strong. Kira remembered the crushing sensation of reiatsu crashing upon him and the others when they first met – Shinsou arrowing forward in a silver-bright line, smashing through the mask of the huge hollows. Now that he was captain, he probably was even stronger than before.

 _How powerful is he?_ Kira wondered distractedly as he tried to pay attention to the instructor's drone about the philosophies of research employed by the Gotei's archival team. _I never once thought to ask him that._

The captain emerged from the room, followed by Kyoraku-taichou, and both sauntered down the walkway and eventually came up the stairs. The students bowed formally as the captains passed, but neither captain any attention to them. Kira 'tested' the reiatsu of Kyoraku-taichou and Gin: the former was spicy/firm/deep blue, while the latter's was faint/pine/cypress/translucent. Yet the younger captain was in no way of being overpowered by the older shinigami's.

Reluctantly, Kira returned to the dry and boring talk on research methodology.

xxxxx

xxxxx

It fascinated him endlessly, the scent of Gin's reiatsu. It seemed to linger on items than the captain had handled, such as the explicit note that he sent Kira some time back. It even lingered in rooms that Gin had been in. Kira wondered if it was actually perfume he was smelling, but discreet questioning thus far had indicated that it wasn't an actual fragrance.

Kira soon discovered he could 'scent' reiatsu better than his friends. It was curious how Kira was able to discern the owners of different reiatsu, and none more clearly than Gin's. Renji's was steadfast/vanilla/fiery crimson. Hinamori, appropriately enough, was peach/delight/soprano. Hisagi was tenor/fir/snow/musk/blood, a complex blend that somehow seemed to capture Hisagi's character perfectly. Once, on passing, Kira 'scented' Aizen-taichou: deep green/cypress/unfathomable. It had surprised Kira, who had expected something very different. Maybe that was why Gin loved Aizen-taichou. They shared a similar note in their reiatsu's 'scent'.

“You're really good at identifying reiatsu,” commented Bai, one of their teachers for Intermediate Intelligence and Espionage. “Ever thought of taking up with the Second? They could use someone with your acute reiatsu sense.”

“I was thinking of going to the fourth to hone my healing skills first, sir,” answered Kira truthfully.

Bai frowned, his magnificent dark brows joining over the bridge of his nose. “The fourth? What a waste of talent.”

“So I'm not imagining the smells, sir? I thought at first that I was just smelling perfume or something.” Kira diverted the topic quickly. The opinion of the fourth was low throughout Seireitei.

Bai shook his head. “It's a way you register reiatsu in a way that makes sense to you. We have the faculty to sense the reiatsu but not the words to describe them, so your brain tells you that it's a scent.” He tapped his right ear. “If I remember correctly, Soifon-taichou 'sees' reiatsu in colors and patterns. That's partly why she makes an amazing combatant. I 'hear' reiatsu, the timber and tone and resonance all form a unique print of the owner. You're a surprisingly clear baritone, with a hint of bass. I'd have thought you to be a tenor, actually.”

Kira thanked the instructor for the insight and Bai walked on to the next student.

 _So I have a unique skill? That's interesting. And I'm_ baritone _? That's... odd._

xxxxx

“Didja hear?” Hinamori asked the second she planted herself next to Kira in the cafeteria.

Opposite them Renji munched contentedly, so Kira asked, “Hear what?” He sipped his drink and waited for the excited girl to spill her news.

Her eyes were round with unabashed glee at the gossip. “Kitamura-san is Ichimaru-taichou's new lover.”

“Izuru! That's disgusting!” Renji groaned when Kira sprayed his mouthful of tea over the redhead's face. He wiped off the dampness. “Momo, you sure about that?”

“Totally. Everyone's talking about it. They've been seen about town together, and I heard that Ichimaru-taichou's there at the Silver-Crested Heron almost every night. Except recently, of course, the captains being away on some new mission an' all.” Hinamori lowered her voice. “They also say Ichimaru-taichou's been flaunting his new fling around places where fifth division members go.”

Kira scowled. “Y'know, we shouldn't be spreading gossip like this.”

“Don't be a goody-two-shoes, Izuru, this is interestin'.” Renji poked Kira in the forehead. “Really? Who's they?”

“Ozawa, Chuman, Nakamura... a whole bunch, and at different times. You know our breaks aren't on the same days.” Hinamori sighed, her pretty smile falling. “I wonder if Aizen-taichou knows.”

“I'm sure he does,” said Kira. “If we know, very likely the upper echelons already think of it as old news.”

Hinamori blew out her cheeks. “Wow. I can imagine how tense it's gonna be if they're on the same mission.”

Kira stood up with his tray and headed for the collection bins. “No,” he murmured to himself, “you really can't.”

 


	21. 21.

The sun climbed laboriously to its zenith.

Beneath the bright morning rays, three classes of students stood at attention as Tetsuzaemon Iba, fourth seat of the seventh division, barked out commands. They moved with precision as he marched them up and down the long courtyard, changed formations, scattered them into small teams and forced them back into their classes again.

Kira was beginning to feel tiredness seep into his legs; it had been only a month or so since the internship ended, and already he had allowed himself to soften and relax from the grueling pace the fifth set for its runners. He could have done three sets of Tetsuzaemon's training back in the summer!

Fujikawa next to Kira murmured, “D'you know where Renji is? I haven't seen him at all.”

“He's hard to miss,” Kira commented under his breath as they listened to the fourth seat berate a duo from the next class for playing the fool. “No idea where he's gone to though; he sneaked out last evening, and didn't come back to the room at all for the entire night. When I woke up this morning, his bed hasn't been slept in.”

“You two over there! Do you think I'm deaf?” Tetsuzaemon suddenly yelled from his makeshift stand of two benches. “Fifteen laps around the court, NOW!”

Kira and Fujikawa saluted. “Yes sir!”

xxxxx

Renji could feel the other man's scrutiny. He shifted self-consciously. “Stop staring, Izuru.”

“Yeah, like I can,” drawled Kira, extremely amused by Renji's discomfort. “You actually played truant for a day, and came back with a very interesting map of – well, a map made up of hickeys and scratches. So there are two ways out of this scenario: you spill the beans on what happened, or I'll bind you with kido and tickle you until you spill the beans on what happened.”

Fujikawa who had come by from his room eight doors down nodded. “Come on Renji, share. You walk into the bathing room with that and you expect all of us not to give you a hard time?”

“Come on, I'm really tired now,” wheedled the redhead.

“And what have you been doing that made you so tired?” Kira zinged back. He propped his chin in his pale hands and waggled his brows suggestively.

Renji narrowed his eyes and glared. “Kira Izuru, aren't you supposed to be coy and retiring and shy and all that crap?”

“That only applies when it's about me,” countered Kira. He had not had this much fun since... well, just since. The other guys all huddled closer and grinned at Renji.

Renji buried his face in his hands. “All right, all right!” He glared at all his friends. “Vultures.”

They grinned back.

“I went to deliver a message from Ichimaru-taichou, and, um, I met this girl, and I sort of asked her out for a drink and um... well. You know.” He motioned to the pattern of reddened marks all over his body. “And she told me that I can always go over to add on to my tattoos if I ever wanna add more, since these marks don't last an' all.”

 _That doesn't sound right,_ thought Kira, but he wisely kept his mouth shut as the rest of the guys ribbed Renji for his apparent luck.

xxxxx

When the other male classmates left, Kira planted himself in the middle of Renji's bed. “You weren't telling the truth,” he said.

Renji's gaze flickered to Kria's face and then turned away. “How do you know?”

“Because I'm your roommate and your good friend.” The blond cocked his head and nudged Renji. “Any reason why you can't tell me?”

The red-haired youth inhaled deeply and sighed. “No, not really, but keep it to yourself.” Renji's mahogany gaze met Kira's blue eyes. “I sent a message on Ichimaru-taichou's behalf... to Kitamura Fuyuki.”

Kira blinked. “Kitamura Fuyuki?”

“Yeah, that was my reaction too. I was sneaking out to catch his performance-” here Renji's face flushed; his crush on the _biwa_ player had been evident to Kira, who had not remarked on it at all to save his friend from embarrassment “-and Ichimaru-taichou caught me. He told me to send a message to Kitamura-san, so I did.”

Kira frowned. “That doesn't explain why you weren't home the entire night.”

“Kitamura-san...” Renji faltered and his flush darkened to a fierce blush. “He, uh, invited me to, um... to stay the night.”

“What?” Kira's eyes widened and his jaw dropped. “Come again?”

“...so I was, erm, I was with Kitamura Fuyuki... the whole night.”

“With as in _with_ with?”

“Yeah.”

“And this is the man everyone has been swooning over?”

“Yuh-huh.”

“And also the rumored – not so much rumored as _confirmed_ – new lover of Ichimaru-taichou?”

“...Yuh-huh.”

Stunned, Kira huffed out his cheeks. For a long moment he seemed unable to process his thoughts. Finally he punched Renji on the leg. Hard.

“Ow! Why'd you do that for?” exclaimed the redhead.

“You're an ass,” Kira informed him, “and you better pray Ichimaru-taichou doesn't find out.”

_And what if he does find out, Kira Izuru? Did you think you stood a chance?_

_Against so many out there, why would Gin pick you?_

Renji grimaced. “Yeah, that bit I figured out.”

“The secret dies with me. You lucky dog.” Kira shook his head. “So... was it good?”

The slow smirk that spread over Renji's face told Kira everything. “Hell yes. Better'n good. Now I know why you like guys, though honestly? I still prefer women.”

“Unless the guy is pretty, is that what you're saying?” Kira teased.

Renji grinned shyly and shrugged. “Eh, he steered me round the curves and angles, so I'm not even certain if it's amazing, you know, with all guys, or just with him.”

_Maybe Gin taught him some new stuff._

_Maybe he and Gin had been practicing._

“That's great.”

Any more and Kira would not trust himself to keep the jealousy out of his voice, so he climbed off Renji's bed. The redhead lay back and stretched out his legs. Kira, on the other hand, curled up, wrapped up in miserable thoughts.

xxxxx

xxxxx

It was the forest again, the sharp smell of snow and fir and the musk of something wild and the copper stench of blood blending into a heady concoction. Something howled. Some _one_ howled. Kira straightened. This was familiar and strange, but now he recognized the smells as reiatsu.

_Where am I?_

_Or, more importantly, what am I doing?_

“You're here again.”

Kira whipped around. There was no one behind him, but that voice had been just behind his ear. “Who's there?” he asked.

“Me.”

“Be specific,” commanded Kira as haughtily as he could.

All he heard was wild laughter, the kind you get just before breaking into racking, heaving sobs, the kind that indicated that madness from grief was just round the corner. Kira felt a chill slither down his back.

He licked his lips and tried to focus. “Who are you?” he asked again, this time in a whisper.

“I am .....”

“What?” Kira suddenly stumbled forward. He broke the fall with his hands, but before he could get up there was a yoke placed over his shoulders. Thin hands, skeletal almost, reached over his shoulders and draped a chain over Kira, securing it to another chain around his chest. The blond tried to stand; the weight was staggeringly heavy.

The laughter erupted again and this time tapered into despairing howls. Kira shivered, even with the burden, and hoisted the yoke up as best as he could. He shifted one knee under him and pushed himself upright. Whoever was on the yoke bounced up and down. Kira grunted and crashed to one knee.

“Not yet, not yet, not yet,” wept the unseen presence. “You can't, not yet.”

Kira gritted his teeth. “I can.”

“Not yet, not yet, not yet...”

Sweat poured from Kira's brow as he shuffled into a crouch. With a sharp grunt he hefted the yoke up and stood, albeit shakily.

A blade hooked under his chin. The wailing and weeping ceased abruptly.

“Good job, boy,” the voice hissed. “If you can carry my burden, maybe you are worthy of me.”

“I... am carrying it,” stuttered Kira.

“No, you've just begun lifting it. Until you can bring me and my yoke to where I belong, I will not reveal myself to you.”

xxxxx

xxxxx

Kira's eyes slammed open and stared at the pale squares of light on the ceiling. He was soaked through with perspiration, and his breath was shallow. His shoulders ached with remembered weight. His fists were clenched; Kira unfolded each joint painfully. As his breathing slowed to its regular pace, Kira began to smile, a tentative, elated smile.

_I think... I think I just spoke to my zanpakuto._

 


	22. 22.

“You look terrible,” Renji commented as Kira emerged from the communal bathroom.

The blond merely grunted, grabbed his toothbrush, and scrubbed away at the gunk on his teeth. Renji frowned and studied his friend. Though Kira wasn't exactly a morning person, he was usually awake enough to speak. The Neanderthal that had taken the blond youth's place barely had his eyes open, and there were dark circles under his puffy eyes.

Renji threw his face towel over his neck. Perhaps Kira just hadn't slept well.

xxxxx

'Talk to me,' Kira pleaded silently in his head for the umpteenth time that day. He ached to hear that wild crying laughter again, the raw emotion of an animal shackled to an immovable object. It was useless; there was no reply at all. And throughout the day, Renji kept asking if Kira was feeling well. It had taken all of the shorter male's restraint not to snap at his best friend.

Sometime that afternoon the dean of admissions appeared in the first class. Hinamori saw him first and stood up at attention, her action causing a slight commotion.

“At ease,” said the dean quietly. He stared around the class. “I have spoken with some instructors and we have come to the consensus that a few of you should be moved up to the next level. Your industrious nature and natural talent and, in some cases, dedicated hard work have brought you to our attention and we hope that, with this honor, you will continue to impress us.”

A chatter erupted in the auditorium.

“Silence!” barked the dean. He cleared his throat. “Abarai Renji. Step forward.”

Renji's eyes rounded comically. “Me?”

“Any other Renji that you know?” hissed Kira, nudging his friend. “Go on!”

“Asou Katsumi.”

A bespectacled, slender brunet walked down steadily, though his face was white with surprise.

“Fujimoto Hitomi.”

A girl, plump and cheerful, hopped down to join the two already below.

“Hinamori Momo.”

The girl squeaked with astonishment and hurried down. Abarai extended a hand and Hinamori gripped it as they stood together, whispering.

“Kawano Takehiko.”

A tall, gangly youth, almost a head taller than Renji, lumbered forward. He almost tripped but was able to regain his footing.

The dean looked up from his list. “That is all. Resume your wait for your teacher.”

Kira stared. He sat at his desk, trying to comprehend what just happened. Or rather, what did not happen. Amid the rising tide of eager commentary, Kira sat silent, wondering why he did not make the cut.

xxxxx

The news floated through the Academy.

“Shiba Kaien is dead.”

“The Shiba clan has voluntarily given up its place as a Noble House.”

“Shiba Kaien was killed.”

“Shiba Kaien was murdered.”

Kira listened halfheartedly to the gossip. He knew that though a place had been vacant, no other family would be able to take its place. There was much admiration for the Shiba household – even his critical and disapproving aunt had thought highly of that clan. He was more concerned about why he was not selected to move up to the next level.

Was he not as good?

In kido, he was on par with Hinamori Momo, both of them frequently vying to outdo the other. In zanjutsu he was lacking, but he managed to get into the intermediate zanjutsu class based on merit. In hakudo he was as yet a novice, but so were the others.

Was he not as good as they?

Feeling indignant anger rising, Kira got to his feet. The dean could have made a mistake. Either that, or someone wanted him to be stuck in the first year classes. Kira would not take that lying down.

xxxxx

“I was wondering when you'll turn up,” the dean remarked, his hands clasping before him on the large desk. “Sit.”

Kira bowed and sat facing the old man. The dean was not smiling, but he did not appear to be in a bad mood either. The silence expanded about them; Kira resisted the urge to fill up the gaping quiet. It was a test, he knew. The one who spoke first lost.

The dean gave in. “I was told you were a top-notch student, far better than Abarai, Fujimoto and Asou.”

“Then, sir, why was I not called to the next level?”

“A captain told me that you lacked drive,” he answered. “I value that captain's opinions highly.”

“Drive?”

“As a shinigami,” said the dean, leaning back in his chair, “you will need to always strive to be better, faster, stronger, more resilient. If you lack that kind of drive, you won't last long in the Gotei.”

Kira shifted in his seat. “I do want to get stronger.”

“Why?”

The question startled Kira. He looked away, thought about his answer, and looked at the dean again. His voice was firm and unyielding. “I want to be stronger so I can stand by my division, my lieutenant, my captain and fight as one of them.”

“You can just be a regular shinigami to do that.” The older man sipped from a mug. “Those earmarked for early graduation are those who are likely to become leaders.”

“I do want to lead!” Kira stated a little too loudly. He subsided. “I want to.”

The dean tilted his head quizzically. “Tell me, Kira, thus far, when you strove to achieve all these good grades... who were they for?”

The blond stared at the dean. “... they were for me,” he answered quietly. “I needed to prove to myself that I was good.”

“And if you were in a position to lead, do you think you'll still have that urge, to prove to yourself that you are a good leader?”

“...yes. Yes I would.”

The dean shook his head. “The Gotei needs strong leaders who are _at the same time_ good followers. After all, it is a military unit.” He gazed at Kira. “If you had to follow only one man, who would you follow?”

“Ichimaru-taichou.” No hesitation at all; Kira blurted his answer immediately.

The dean narrowed his eyes and scrutinized Kira. There was yet another lengthy pause, one in which Kira could practically hear the wheels and gears clicking and whirring away. Finally the dean smiled. “I will converse with that captain again and get back to you.”

“Sir, if I'm not being presumptuous... which captain is it?”

The dean smiled wider. “The one you wish to follow.”

xxxxx

Renji and Kira were at one of the hakudo dojos, just sitting around and not saying anything. This was the open air arena – hakudo could and did take place mid-air – and dark gray clouds were massing overhead.

“Has the dean got back to you?” asked Renji, somewhat timidly. He had been as shocked as Kira at the omission of the blond into the next class. It had been a week and a half already, and Kira was still stuck in the same class.

Kira shook his head. “I don't know. Maybe I really am not good enough at the moment.”

“You're way better than I am, Izuru,” Renji said urgently. “There's no reason why you shouldn't be in-”

“-except that I lack some quality they want in a Gotei officer.” Kira shut his eyes and lay back on the grass. The wind was picking up. “It's alright, Renji, you don't have to make me feel better.”

The redhead plopped down next to his friend. “Like I don't. You've been moping around. I feel bad when you feel bad.”

Kira cracked open an eye. “That sounds like what a lover would say,” he teased lightly.

“In your dreams,” retorted Renji and poked Kira in the ribs. “But seriously. You'll get in, I'm sure. After all, Ichimaru-taichou likes you. He's sure to put you into class once the dean asks him.”

“He's the one suggested I stay in the current class.”

“And now you've shown yourself to have drive and initiative and all that, he has no reason to keep you out now, does he?”

Kira blew out a breath. “Say, Renji, shall we go out?”

“Go out?”

“Out of the school. No one's around anyway. Let's cut out.” Kira sat up, feeling rebellious. “Play hooky.”

Renji's mouth curled. “Alright. I like that idea.”

xxxxx

They were not the only ones who did, because after they returned to their dorm to change out of uniform they saw a few others sneaking out of the school. In some cases, right out the front gate.

“I guess everyone's just thinking that it's for the fukutaichou's funeral,” remarked Kira once they were in Seireitei.

“I s'pose.” Renji strolled slowly, matching his longer strides to Kira's. “It's really quiet.”

“Did you look for Rukia recently?” asked Kira. “She is in the Thirteenth, isn't she?”

The red-haired youth exhaled heavily. “She's not seeing anyone. I even... I even went to the Kuchiki manor – side door – and the servants said she was not able to see anyone. She's really affected.”

“I guess he was a nice person to know.”

“I guess. Wish we got to know him though.”

Kira and Renji walked past the division offices, all deserted and silent. It felt like they were the only two persons left alive in the world. The leaves were turning brown; Kira could scent something light and threatening in the air.

“Hey, Renji,” Kira began softly, “which captain would you want to work under?”

The redhead blinked. “Me?” He considered. “Probably Kuchiki-taichou.”

Kira was surprised. “I thought you disliked him.”

“I don't. He just – I want to overtake him, and I can't do that without knowing what kind of person he is and how I can be better than he is.” Renji sighed. “It's kind of crazy, isn't it?”

Kira shrugged. “I doubt it. You have someone you want to challenge, and that makes you stronger, I guess.”

“I got a new tattoo for getting into the new class,” Renji suddenly said, changing the topic. “Wanna see?” He lifted his sleeve up to his shoulder where a new 'V' had been etched into his skin.

“Nice.” The blond regarded his friend and smiled. “You're really gonna get one for every achievement?”

“Yup.”

“It's gonna cost you.”

Renji grinned. “Aw, was that a nice way to say you think I'll achieve a lot? How sweet.”

Kira punched Renji's shoulder. “Shut it.”

“I believe you two should be in school at this hour,” someone said coldly behind them. The two students froze and slowly, as one, they turned around.

Hisagi Shuuhei raised an eyebrow. “You guys aren't supposed to be out here,” he said, this time with a faint smirk. “Playing truant, hmm?”

Renji rolled his eyes. “Hisagi-sempai, you scared the holy whatever outta me!”

“Hisagi... sempai,” said Kira awkwardly. “Um, are you gonna report us?”

“Now that's a thought... Nah.” The dark-haired shinigami caught up to them and slung an arm over Renji's shoulder, staying away from Kira. “Let's go. I'll bring you guys over to the Ninth. No one'll mind; it's not like anyone's working today.”

The trio sauntered down the empty paths until they came to the division barracks. Hisagi slid open the door to his room and ushered them in while looking out for his superiors.

“So, what gives? Why aren't you two in school?” Hisagi asked as he poured them tea. “Renji skipping out, that I get. You, Kira? Did this redheaded bad influence on legs drag you out of class?”

Renji prodded Hisagi's bicep. “ _He_ dragged _me_ out, for your information.”

Kira shrugged. “Didn't feel like studying today,” he admitted. Looking around, he saw that Hisagi had made his half of the room his own. “That's a lovely scroll.”

“What's it say?” asked Renji.

“ _All war is deception_. A Sun Tzu quotation.” Hisagi gazed at the calligraphy, strong and fluid. “Aizen-san gave that to me when I was promoted to fifth seat three days ago.”

The news caught Kira by surprise. “You were promoted again?”

“Congrats, Hisagi-sempai,” Renji said cheerfully. “You're really rising through the ranks!”

“Thanks. What's up with you two?”

Renji told Hisagi about going to the new class and – after a quick glance at Kira, who nodded – about Kira who was excluded from the selection.

“That's odd,” remarked the shinigami. “With grades like yours, Kira, you oughta be the first few to skip levels.”

“The dean said Ichimaru-taichou opposed the idea.”

That startled Hisagi. “He did?” He flashed an inscrutable look over at Kira, who flushed and turned away. “It doesn't make sense either way. Don't worry, Kira, you'll get to the next class no problem.”

The blond cheered up a little. Even if he was stuck in this first-year class, having Hisagi Shuuhei talk to him as if they were friends again was good enough.

xxxxx

xxxxx

After the official working hours were over, Shuuhei headed to another division. He braced himself and knocked on the door.

“Come in.”

The voice was slightly deeper than he remembered. Ichimaru Gin sat at his desk, looking through reports from his patrols. Shuuhei did a double-take when he realized there was a pair of wire-framed glasses balanced on the captain's nose.

“Ichimaru-taichou, good evening.” He bowed respectfully, all the while wondering what he himself was doing here. Did he really believe he could sway Ichimaru's mind?

The silver-haired shinigami looked over the top of his glasses. “Yes? I wasn't expecting you.”

“I came to... to ask about Kira Izuru.”

“What of him?”

“He's not allowed to skip the level even though he has the best scores out of his class. He told me that... that you were the one who opposed the idea. Is that true?”

Ichimaru raised his brows and his ubiquitous smile perked up. “That's nice. You've made up with him?”

Shuuhei held his temper in check. “No, taichou. We're friends, that's all.”

“And because he's your friend, you came here.” Ichimaru removed his glasses and set them carefully on the desk. “You came here because you want to do something for your friend.”

“Yes.”

“What do you think you have that I will want, Hisagi Shuuhei, fifth seat of the ninth division?” asked Ichimaru in a thoughtful tone. His fingertips pressed together as he leaned back in his chair. “I am a captain. You are but a seated officer.”

Shuuhei breathed out slowly. “What do you want, Ichimaru-taichou?”

“A large mansion, oodles of money, pretty girls and boys and my lover by my side. I will also settle for a stable of fine horses out in the countryside.” Ichimaru's grin turned dark. “Again I ask, what can you offer to me?”

Shuuhei almost stepped out, but before he could turn around Ichimaru Gin had closed the door. The younger male almost walked into the captain. Ichimaru Gin smirked when Shuuhei cursed under his breath.

“Now, now. Language,” he chided mockingly. The smile disappeared in an instant. “No more games. This is what I want. I will drop a word into the dean's ear. In exchange, I want you to go to Aizen-taichou and ask for him to train you to be a lieutenant.”

That was vastly different from what Shuuhei had thought would be the conditions. “You mean, that's it?”

“If you want more, all you have to do is ask,” drawled Ichimaru. He walked sedately back to his place. “But then again, with a face and body like yours, I think it's best left to those able and willing to savor it, hmm?”

Shuuhei stared at the silver-haired captain. He understood what he had to do. “Why?”

“Because no one should hurt Ukitake-taichou.” Without his smile, Ichimaru Gin was pensive; now the smile reappeared and added a sinister cast to his features. “No one.”

xxxxx

xxxxx

Hinamori Momo bounded up to them, her braids bouncing behind her. “Did you hear? You're in.”

Kira stared, blinked, and stared some more. Renji was the one who whooped and clapped Kira in the back, sending him stumbling forward. “That's great! This is gonna be a hell lot of fun now we three are together again!”

“Yeah, yeah it will,” Kira said with a relieved grin.

Asou walked over. “I heard you're joining us from tomorrow on. Congratulations.”

“Thanks.”

When the bespectacled youth had left, Hinamori leaned over. “You gotta watch out for that one, Izuru. He's been watching you for a long time. I think he doesn't like you. He's always bugging me to know if you scored better than he did.”

“Really?” Kira was surprised.

“Anyway, you have me and Renji to protect you, so it's fine,” she prattled on. Renji and Hinamori walked ahead as they led the way to the cafeteria, while Kira wondered what changed the dean's or perhaps Ichimaru Gin's mind.

 


	23. 23.

“So, how are you finding this class?” asked Hisagi when the older male came by with a sheath of papers, probably for Ethics class.

Kira and Hinamori shrugged simultaneously. Hinamori sighed. “The research needed for even a simple assignment is gonna kill me.”

“That's how it is,” chuckled Hisagi. “Book smarts are important too. Say, Hinamori, you wanna come with me? I'm meeting Aizen-taichou to go over these documents before our next class.”

“Can I?” squealed the brunette and hopped off the ledge she was sharing with Kira. “Sorry, Izuru-kun!”

“I get it, I get it.” Kira waved them both off.

Hisagi raised an eyebrow and asked, “You don't wanna come with us?”

“Nah, it's fine. I've to catch up on what I've missed in the past week.” The pale blond smiled. “It's nice talking to you.”

“Yeah,” agreed Hisagi, the same smile that hinted of forgiveness and friendship also on his face. “I'll be seein' you around, Kira.”

xxxxx

After lessons, Renji headed back to the dorm's showers first while Kira refined his technique. The wooden sword sliced through the air diagonally, horizontally, was pulled back, and then stabbed forward. Kira noted the lack of force in his own thrust, and repeated the set of motions again. He really needed to brush up on his zanjutsu; among all his classmates, he was probably the weakest in this area.

_Well, a little hard work would soon remedy that._

After almost an hour of training, Kira sat heavily on the ground, his uniform soaked through with sweat. Closing his eyes, he tried to center his breathing and his focus. A sound on the edge of hearing caught his attention. Kira had just enough time to sense the intruder's reiatsu before a sword swung down from behind him, directly at his head. Neatly stepping aside and returning a mid-section swipe, Kira stepped a few paces away.

“Who are you?” he demanded angrily. The reiatsu was not unfamiliar – a tangy orange, oddly enough – but not recognizable to Kira.

The person who attacked him was masked. He didn't speak but hurled a kido spell at Kira. The blond deflected it easily and returned a stronger one. The two spells collided at almost the same time: one against the wall, the other into the intruder's fist and flaring off harmlessly.

The other person tilted his head (or perhaps it was a girl? Kira couldn't tell) and then hunkered into attack pose. The tip of the sword glimmered; Kira recognized the telltale signs and quickly erected a shield which shattered in two seconds. The intruder leaped forward, ditching the weapon aside and stabbed downwards with his fingers.

Kira caught his attacker on the chin with an elbow and knocked him back, but suffered a side-wrenching kick when the other person flailed out with his right foot. Dropping into a roll when he was off balance, Kira came up firing twin spells. Both were batted aside. The attacker was adept in kido, and was fast on his feet. Kira was battered down within half a minute, trying his best to shield his face with his forearms.

“That's – quite – enough!” yelled Kira, kicking out and sending the intruder flying into the far wall. The blond flipped into a crouch and grabbed the sword he was practicing with. Before the attacker could come at him Kira rushed forward, low, and slammed the blade across his kneecaps. He could hear the crack of bone.

The other man did not cry out, but the groan was very satisfying for Kira. Turning the weapon he smashed the hilt into the attacker's shoulder, causing the person to sprawl forward. Jumping on the attacker's back, Kira pinned the lean arms with his legs and forced the wooden sword against the person's neck.

“If you move, I can break your neck,” warned the blond quietly. “Who are you?”

“You don't know me?” The voice was harsh but not rough, and strangely familiar to Kira. “You don't know me!”

“Obviously.” Kira exerted some force, causing the other person to grunt. “That's why I'm asking.”

The person began to chuckle, a low sound that built up into wild laughter. Amazed recognition caused Kira to scramble off the intruder's back. The laughter pealed and dissolved into howling wails. Slowly, slowly the person unfolded into a standing pose. The cries faded out, though he was still gasping for breath, this time with a crazed grin. “You don't know me.”

“You're... you're my zanpakuto spirit,” whispered Kira, almost reverently. “You – you're my... how? I never thought you could manifest outside of – I don't even know your name!”

The spirit hunched over and shed the pretense. For the first time Kira could see his spirit in its entirety. It had large gray eyes, and the gaze was that of a madman's. Its gray skin was flayed, revealing deep gray flesh beneath; scars and cuts marred the rake-thin body. It grinned at Kira; there was no joy in the expression. “Who said you aren't in _my_ world?”

“But... it was – it was trees and winter and...” Kira fell back heavily. “And when did I – it can't be.”

“Look out there, boyo, and tell me you're still awake in your pathetic 'reality',” sneered the spirit. He spat and hissed when Kira reached over. “DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!”

Kira backed away. “Okay, all right,” he murmured, licking his lips. He glanced out the window. True enough, it was winter outside, with fir trees and the white crescent moon above. “This is insane.”

“Guess that makes two of us, eh?” chortled the spirit, uncomfortably close to Kira's ear. He snapped his teeth together. “But since this is your world, and I'm your spirit... guess that makes ONE. And that's you, ain't it?”

The blond shook his head. “You're crazy. This is – I have never heard of anyone just... merging into their inner world without meditation. This is impossible.”

The spirit cocked its gray head. “What's crazy? You? Me? Everybody?” It began sniffing and tears started running down ashy gray cheeks. “Everybody's dead. Dead. All of them... no one knows, do they?”

“What are you talking about?”

“In you,” hissed the spirit, “I live. And I look out of you... and all of them are dead. Dead.”

Kira swallowed dryly against the fear of his own zanpakuto spirit. “What is your name?”

“I'm sorry,” whispered the spirit. “I apologize. I am...” The apologetic tone was replaced with a sneer. “Heh. I ain't gonna tell you. I don't want to tell you. Why should I tell you?”

“Because then you will be my sword-”

“-I am not yours.” The spirit spat again. “Never yours. Weak. Weak Kira. You will die, like all of them.”

“Every single being dies,” Kira stated, straightening. “That is the iron law. Everything dies. From the geological decay of worlds, to the infinitesimally short span of an inkling of an idea. Everything dies.”

“Bar one,” said the spirit. Its gray eyes met Kira's vivid blue ones. “One thing will not die.”

Kira studied the humanoid creature. “What?”

“When you know the answer, Kira Izuru,” murmured the spirit, pulling chains out of nowhere and wrapping them about himself, “you will also know my name, and I will lend you my power.”

xxxxx

“...and that was it,” Kira ended his recount.

Renji stared at his friend, enraptured. “So that's how an encounter with a zanpakuto spirit is like? Wow.”

Kira shrugged faintly. He was flattered by Renji's keen interest, but also embarrassed. “Yeah. It's... strange.”

With a wide grin, Renji thumped Kira on his slender back. “Don't worry about it, Izuru. You're sure to get used ta it.” He grimaced and added, “I'm jealous though. I wonder what my sword will be like.”

“Probably like you: loud, obnoxious, brash...”

“I'm not all bad,” protested the redhead.

Kira went on, “Incautious, headstrong, impulsive...”

“Izuru!” Renji tackled his friend and rubbed his knuckles into the top of Kira's blond head. “Positives!”

“Ow! All right, all right,” laughed Kira. “Considerate, sensitive, determined, ridiculously good-natured... that enough for you?”

“You're crazy.” Renji released Kira. “Yes, I think that's pretty enough for now.”

xxxxx

Unohana-taichou clapped her hands together lightly. The students stood back from the mock-up of the reiatsu-burnt skin on the old gigai. As she proceeded down the rows of tables, she made soft comments to each student regarding the state of repair.

When she came to Renji, she smiled. “You are very enthusiastic,” she said quietly, prodding the gigai, “but you must learn to temper your power with precision.”

“Yours is very good,” she told Hinamori as she turned the limb in her hands. “Who taught you the triple-weave of healing kido?”

“I asked Onda-sempai, Unohana-taichou.”

“Good that you look to experienced healers,” said the captain gently. “Do also hone your own skills and build up your confidence, young lady.”

She continued down, a soft remark causing the recipient to bow and flush or to grin in a foolish manner.

Eventually she came to Kira. “Fair work. Shaky in the secondary weave, do be careful.” She smiled her motherly smile. “Not bad for someone who missed my first lesson.”

“Th-thank you,” stammered Kira.

Unohana-taichou's reiatsu was astringent and clean, exactly as her role of head of the healers would dictate. The captain cast an appraising eye over the pale blond. “If you ever wish to apply for the Fourth Division, I would be more than happy to accept you as a member. I believe you have the potential to be a strong healer, if you so wish.” Her brow wrinkled slightly. “Or perhaps you have selected another division?”

“I-I, uh...” Kira flushed darkly and looked down. "Third. Sorry, Unohana-taichou."

Understanding his taciturnity, Unohana-taichou patted his hand and turned to walk back to the front of the laboratory. “I'm generally pleased with the competency in primary and secondary healing kido weaves, and certainly Hinamori-kun is on the right road as she has applied the tertiary weave. I shall now ask for her assistance to demonstrate the use of triple weaves.”

xxxxx

xxxxx

Hisagi braced himself to go into the captain's room again. A soft curse and Ichimaru's irritated voice called out, “Enter!”

“Good morning sir, these are the new personnel data forms that require your personal perusal before they're returned to Onmitsukido.” Hisagi avoided meeting the silver-haired captain's eyes.

Ichimaru made an impatient sound through his teeth. “I'll get them logged in.” Just as the younger male was at the door, Ichimaru cut in, “Close the door. I have some questions for you.”

“What do you want of me, Ichimaru-taichou?” Hisagi gritted out.

“How did it go with Aizen-taichou?” the captain asked.

Hisagi turned around. “He rejected my advances before I made any, and he knows exactly what you are up to.”

Ichimaru Gin tilted his head, his smile oddly bright. “How did he know?”

“... I told him.”

“I see.” The silver-haired shinigami leaned back in his chair. “Never mind then. Kira-kun is doing well in the class, I hear, and I hope to hear of your promotion soon. Take care now.”

Hisagi narrowed his canted, slender eyes. “I will. Thank you sir.”

xxxxx

xxxxx

“What does not die?” Kira mused to himself as he flipped the pages of a huge tome on Eastern Philosophy. The words were not making much sense to him; the topic did not really interest Kira and on such a sunny day, he disliked having to be cooped up indoors on a rest day. Still, he wished to grab hold of his sword and from there surprise everybody.

As he collapsed against the back of the padded sofa he was seated on, a movement in the corner caught his attention. Kuchiki-taichou strolled along the huge shelves, occasionally pointing to a title and a thin, short librarian would scuttle to that shelf to pick the book out. Sometimes another girl would assist – Kira recognized that girl: Rukia. Kuchiki Rukia.

She appeared tired and white with faint worry, very unlike the girl he had met a few times in the early days of his academy training. She was more vivacious then. Now she looked like a doll, lifeless and dead. The noble house was not doing her much good.

Kira wondered if she had met with Renji at all. Though the redhead never mentioned it, Kira believed that Renji was deeply in love with Rukia, and the separation hurt both too deeply and would take a lifetime to mend.

Thankfully they were shinigami; there would be time enough for that to happen, the gods willing.

Kira sighed and let his eyes close. He wished for an easier time with his zanpakuto, like maybe defeat him in an outright fight. Still, at least he had met with his zanpakuto.

“Penny for your thoughts,” said a familiar voice.

Kira opened his eyes to see Hisagi's upside-down face over himself. “Hi, Hisagi-sempai,” said Kira with a small smile. “Research?”

“Returning books on behalf of my captain,” said Hisagi.

“He reads?” Kira was surprised.

Hisagi nodded. “Yup. He has the books read aloud to him. I think the twelfth division is going to try a new device for him to use; it recites text aloud from books. I hope it works.”

“That's nice,” said Kira. He closed his own volume and placed it on the shelving trolley. “Hisagi-sempai, can I ask you some questions?”

“I'm gonna run some errands outside Seireitei, but if it's quick I don't mind.”

Kira nibbled his lower lip. “May I come along with you? I don't think it'll be quick, but I can't think of anyone better than you to ask about this.” He batted his eyes jokingly, “Please?”

The dark-haired shinigami smirked and nodded. “Sweet-talker. Come on. Let's go.”

xxxxx

“You've made contact with your sword already?!”

Kira blushed with quiet pride. “Yes. But it asked me a tough question which I'm supposed to answer before it will allow me to wield it.”

Hisagi cocked his head. “What is the question?”

“What does not die?”

The older male looked taken aback. “That's the question?”

Kira nodded.

Hisagi puffed his cheeks out, and the sixty-nine tattoo bulged out adorably. Kira couldn't help but smile at how he used to poke Hisagi in the cheek just to play with that tattoo, but he restrained himself this time round. Hisagi wouldn't appreciate that.

“That's a tough one,” he admitted at last. “Your zanpakuto is tricky, isn't it?”

“Yeah,” Kira agreed readily. “I wonder where he got it from.”

Hisagi snorted but wisely kept silent. The blond cast a dirty look at his former lover and then grinned. It was nice, this easygoing camaraderie between them; Kira had missed this friendliness and he was terrified of losing it again.

They came to the shop where Hisagi had to make some purchases. Kira fingered the fabric and marveled at the texture; it was unlike the second-rate silk his aunt bought. The fabric practically flowed through his fingers.

“The delivery is to Tousen-taichou of the Gotei in Seireitei,” Hisagi said, writing out the delivery details. “Wrap up the robe in a suitable container; it's meant to be a gift to another taichou.”

A flutter in the air caught Kira's eye. “Hisagi-sempai, a hell butterfly.”

The dark-haired man reached out for it. “That's odd. I'm running an errand and shouldn't be receiving any message... Kira.” After receiving the message, Hisagi's eyes were suddenly full of determined purpose. “There is an incursion three miles from here. Be my backup until the team arrives. We have to locate and, if possible, destroy the hollow.”

The blond youth straightened. “I follow your lead, Hisagi-sempai.”

“Thanks,” murmured Hisagi as they sped towards the given location. “I won't let you down.”

“I know that,” replied Kira, keeping pace with Hisagi. “And neither will I.”

 


	24. 24.

Kira was very pleased that he was still standing by the time the backup arrived.

“Well done,” said Tousen-taichou briskly. He nodded at Kira. “I appreciate your assisting Hisagi, Kira-san. I understand you're still only a student?”

That was more of a statement. Kira nodded, a little stiffly, then recalled that Tousen-taichou was unable to see. “Yes, Tousen-taichou.”

The blind man flashed a brief almost-smile. “Go get your wound seen to. Oh, and this might seem a familiar refrain to you, but you might want to consider the ninth division when you graduate. We can use someone like you. Hisagi, see that he gets proper treatment.”

“Yes taichou.” Hisagi touched Kira's shoulder. “This way to our infirmary.”

“It's just a mild scratch...” Kira protested weakly, but Hisagi ignored him and led the blond to an airy, well-lit room in a corner of the office building. The medic on duty was a tall, handsome dark-haired shinigami, who flashed both of them a cheerful smile. Kira's heart did a quick flip-flop

“Ogido-san, how are you?” greeted Hisagi.

Ogido grinned. “If you're here, then that question is mine to ask. Which of you needs my help?”

“He does.”

Kira and Hisagi glared at each other. The older male slapped Kira on the back of his head lightly. “He does,” he informed Ogido, while Kira rubbed the back of his head and grumbled under his head.

“Take a seat – ooh, nasty cut just over the left eye.” Ogido washed the wound very quickly. Kira hissed in as the sting of the antiseptic bit into his skin. Ogido peered closely. “Okay, good news. I don't have to sew it. Bad news: that's gonna leave a scar, I'm afraid. Unless you want me to use reiatsu on that, but with the cut so close to your eye I'm afraid of harming your eyesight.”

Kira bit his lower lip. He never thought of himself as a vain person, but he had quietly prided himself on his flawless complexion. After a moment, he said, “Leave it. I can live with that.”

“Alright then. Shame to mar a pretty face, but we aren't here to show off our good looks, right?” Ogido smiled understandingly. “Hisagi, pass me the gauze bandage?”

xxxxx

Renji winced when he saw the large white patch on Kira's forehead. “What happened to you?”

“Fought a hollow, got cut, was seen to.” Kira slumped on his bed. “It's gonna scar, though.”

“And that bothers you because...?”

“All right, I admit it, I'm vain. Happy?” Kira had to grin at Renji's smirk. “Jerk.”

Carefully pushing back Kira's fringe, Renji peered at the bandage. “Can I remove it? I wanna see.”

Kira rolled his blue eyes. “Go ahead. But be careful – ow!”

“Oops, sorry.” The redhead had peeled back the dressing. He grimaced when he saw the dark purplish-yellow patch. “That looks nasty.”

“Well, it's mainly bruising from the impact,” explained Kira. He folded his arms about his knees and placed his chin on them. “I met this really cute medic though.”

Renji snorted. Kira ignored the rude sound and went on. “Too bad he's straight.”

“How do you know?” Renji asked. “He wore a sign around his neck?”

“As good as,” said Kira. He grinned. “You wanna know what sign you're wearing?”

The redhead appeared perplexed. “Eh?”

Kira grabbed a fistful of Renji's collar and dragged him close so as to whisper in Renji's ear. “You want both sides, don't you? Especially after Kitamura-san showed you a thing or two.”

The blush was immediate and very entertaining. Renji growled and pushed Kira back. “Shut it. I'm only interested in Rukia.”

Kira sighed and leaned back against the wall. “She's out of your league, Renji. Give it up. As long as she's a Kuchiki, you have the chance of a minor hollow against Yamamoto-soutaichou.”

The taller youth was silent for a long time. He looked so downcast with his narrow eyes closed that Kira was sorry he brought up the topic. Eventually Renji opened his eyes. He never looked up, but instead gazed at his clasped hands in front of him.

“I know. I know too well, Izuru,” murmured Renji. His voice was cold and bereft. “I know, and yet I can't help loving her.”

Kira clambered over to his friend. “Hey. Look at me.”

The red-haired young man slowly met Kira's gaze. Kira put his hand over Renji's.

“Now you listen to me,” said Kira steadily. “What I said earlier? Rubbish. Ignore that. Renji, you do have a chance. Not a _huge_ chance, but a chance.”

“...I do?”

“You know her, she knows you. And I know you both like each other well enough to be good friends, right?”

Something was beginning to glimmer in Renji's dark brown eyes. “Yeah.”

“You're a strong person, Renji. I'm sure you'll become a high-ranking shinigami. That's when you have a chance.” Kira smiled. “You can do it, Renji, you just have to be stronger than Kuchiki-taichou, that's all.”

Even as he said it, the blond realized how stupid a statement he was making. The Kuchiki noble was a captain, and one of the most gifted the Gotei had witnessed in generations. However it was impossible for Kira to leave his best friend despondent and depressed over the loss of his heart's desire. Call him stupid, but Kira believed in the underdog.

 _It might happen,_ he told himself as hope dawned in Renji's eyes. _Even if what he's chasing is the moon, it might happen._

xxxxx

Kira wondered if he had been twice a moron when he told Renji the redhead had a chance. These days Renji trained triple of what the instructors told them, and studied so late into the night he barely had time to warm up his futon.

The pale blond found himself to be Renji's sparring partner in zanjutsu, his target in hakudo, and his tutor in kido. Though he didn't find the task onerous, it did mean that Kira had little time to seek answers to the question his zanpakuto asked.

On the other hand, it did help Kira build up lean muscle and refined his coordination. His hand-to-hand combat was faster, deadlier and more accurate. His zanjutsu – always a weakness – had come up to par.

Hence he was not surprised when both he and Renji were told by Bai-sensei to stay after class. The teacher folded his beefy arms over his chest.

“Abarai, Kira, I have a proposition. I've talked with my captain and she is willing to grant both of you interviews if you want to take up places in the second division.”

The two students' eyes widened. Renji blurted, “You can't be serious!”

“I can and usually am, Abarai Renji,” said Bai. There was a tweak in the corner of his mouth as the teacher almost smirked. “Think it over and let me know.”

“Uh, thank, Bai-sensei.”

Bai waved off Kira's thanks and strode off. The two young men looked at each other before a huge grin appeared on Renji's face. The redhead punched both fists into the air. “Yes!”

Kira laughed. “Are you gonna take up the offer?”

“Well, it's just an interview... but I think I'll wait a little longer. I'm sure if Soifon-taichou shows an interest, we won't be that far away from interviews with other captains.”

“You're right,” said Kira, keeping Tousen-taichou's words private.

Renji suddenly examined Kira. “You're gonna join the Third, aren't you?”

“Me? Third?”

“Don't sputter.” The taller youth smirked crookedly. “I don't think you'll consider anywhere else.”

Kira fiddled with his fingers. “We-ll... I was thinking of, um, looking around. I mean, I can pretty much go anywhere, really...”

Renji raised an eyebrow and dropped his voice. “I thought you and Ichimaru-taichou were, y'know. Kind of close.”

“He's with Kitamura-san now, remember?” murmured Kira. “I don't think he even remembers some silly intern with a crush-”

“Hey, you two over there!” shouted a student neither Kira nor Renji recognized. He hurried over, puffing a little, sweat running down his round face. “Ichimaru-taichou is looking for some guy called Kira Izuru. I've been looking all over, and then your friends said that-”

Renji interrupted the rambling. “Look, thanks. Where is Kira supposed to go?”

“Ichimaru-taichou is waiting in his office.”

Leaving Renji to explain to the next teacher where he had gone, Kira bobbed a thank-you and dashed off.

xxxxx

Ichimaru-taichou seemed to be deep in thought when Kira knocked timidly against the door frame. He glanced up and gestured for Kira to step in. “Close the door.”

“Good afternoon Ichimaru-taichou.”

“When we're alone, you will call me Gin. Take a seat.”

“...Gin...san.”

That seemed to satisfy the captain a little. He leaned against his desk, his long legs beside Kira's knees. “I want your help.”

That wasn't what Kira was expecting. “Um, my help?” he repeated stupidly, and his cheeks reddened with the way his voice came out as a squeak.

Ichimaru Gin broke into an instant smile, but Kira saw no humor in that smile. “I hear that you're quite outstanding,” he said. He trailed thin fingers along Kira's pale, sharp face. “Tousen-taichou has a good opinion of you. And Unohana-taichou asked me what kind of person you were when you were in the fifth as an intern. Who else has approached you, Kira?”

The blond lowered his gaze, feeling inexplicably guilty. “...the second division, Ichi – I, I mean, Gin-san.”

“Soifon too, hmm?”

The lean captain pushed away from his desk and began pacing the office. Fascinated and confused, Kira watched Gin circle around the guest sofa, the low tables and his desk before finally settling for the middle of the floor. He folded his arms and regarded Kira.

“I need you to help me, but it must be secret,” he said at last.

Kira nibbled at the inside of his cheek. He wasn't certain if he wanted part of this. “What kind of help would this be, Gin-san?”

The older man tilted his head, almost calculatingly. “Come here, Kira.”

Slowly, hesitantly, Kira moved as if hypnotized towards Gin. When he was a mere handspan from Gin's face, thin fingers caught hold of Kira's sharp chin. Narrow green-blue eyes studied Kira's alabaster features, so closely the younger man felt himself grow increasingly nervous.

Gin grinned and let go. “You have met your zanpakuto spirit,” he said at last. “It shows in your eyes, and traces of it is in your reiatsu. That's why there are and will be captains and lieutenants approaching you.”

The younger man was fascinated. “How do you tell?”

“There is a – light – in your eyes.” Thin fingers brushed over Kira's eyelids. “But it's not fully realized yet. Look into Hisagi-san's eyes – you'll see it. Look into mine. Look for the light.”

Obeying the injunction, Kira gazed into slitted blue-green eyes. At first he saw only what everyone's eyes were supposed to look like: colored iris, black pupil, framed by dark lashes (dark silver, in this situation).

And then, as if a thin layer lifted off Kira's vision, he caught it. It wasn't something to be seen: something akin to reiatsu, if that, that added vitality and strength and power to Gin's mysterious gaze. It was as if there was another person's gaze overlaying Gin's, and that person...

“...I can see your zanpakuto spirit,” Kira whispered. “It is looking at me with your eyes.”

“ _He_ is looking at you with my eyes,” corrected the silver-haired captain quietly. “His name is Shinsou.”

Kira didn't dare to blink. The regard in Gin's eyes were twofold: the captain's amused gaze, and the _other's_ curious aloof examination. When Gin drew nearer Kira didn't move, nor did he close his eyes, until he felt cool lips on his own. Gin's lashes dusted over Kira's own eyelids as the captain reached a hand up to hold the blond's head steady.

Their breathing mingled. Gently the kiss deepened: Kira didn't remember lifting his arms, but they had slipped up the captain's back and his hands held onto thin but strong shoulders. His lips parted and invited greater exploration. Gin complied, his tongue carefully tasting as it slid in, meeting and teasing Kira's own.

 _When had we moved to the wall?_ The thought flashed through the younger male's mind and was pushed away by more insistent ones, such as how good it felt to be wrapped in Gin's arms, how delicate Gin smelled, how strong the embrace was, how much he wanted to be closer to this amazing man with blue-green eyes and silver hair. The kiss turned into a hungry exchange, Gin pressing into Kira with a thirst that almost scared the young blond. When the captain finally relented and broke the kiss, Kira was left panting slightly, his slender fingers flexing and releasing on Gin's haori.

The older man tilted his head and smiled. “I apologize, but the way you looked at me just now... I couldn't resist.”

“Oh.” Kira couldn't come up with a more original response. He trembled again when Gin ran a thumb softly over his left eyelid.

“There's a scar,” muttered Gin.

Kira bit his upper lip. “I-I got cut when Hisagi-san and I went to fight a hollow.”

“By yourselves?”

“Oh no,” the blond youth clarified hastily. “I was just support until Hisagi-san's teammates showed up. We did manage to blow four of its legs off though,” Kira added proudly.

To his sudden embarrassed realization, he was still pinned between Gin and the wall. The heat between their bodies made his heart beat erratically; there was also something that seemed to be passing between them that he could not quite identify.

“Kira.”

“Y-yes?”

“What is keeping you from drawing your zanpakuto?” asked Gin.

Kira shrugged. “I don't quite know. I just... he said that he would tell me his name if I answer his question.”

Gin smiled. “Yours seem more reasonable than mine.” He stepped back, out of Kira's immediate personal space. “I need your assistance, Kira.”

“Um... you haven't told me what kind, Gin-san.”

The pale-skinned captain studied the student fidgeting with the folds on his sleeves. “Smart of you not to commit until you hear the details.”

“I didn't mean to-”

“I know.” Gin folded his arms inside his voluminous sleeves. “I want you to do some research for me. Ask the second division if you have to.”

Kira frowned. “Why can't Gin-san-”

“-because if I pry overmuch, Soifon-taichou will suspect that I am investigating her. I don't want to raise her heckles more than I can help it.” Gin's smile had all but disappeared. “I want to know what kinds of operations they have in the second division, what sort of duties their officers have, the qualities of the people they are looking for. They won't reveal everything to you, of course, but you will have relatively more access to such information than I do. And, very importantly, I want more information on the Onmitsukido.”

“The Secret Ops?” Kira mouthed the words, surprised that he was tasked to check up on the formidable organization.

Gin nodded. “As much as you can give me, Kira. I need to – corroborate – something I had found out recently.” He turned around and walked back to his seat. “In exchange for your help, I will do anything that you ask of me.”

“Anything?”

“Anything.” Gin's unique smirk crept back onto his face. “If you dare to ask me, I will fulfill it.”

Kira swallowed back the fantasies that suddenly paraded through his mind. He bowed to the captain. “I will do my best, Gin-san.”

The captain crooked his index fingers and got Kira to approach the desk. “Let's seal this promise with a kiss, pretty Kira, and then you can return to your classes.”

 


	25. 25.

Kira shuffled in the hard chair as he waited for Soifon-taichou to meet him. He hadn't wanted to take the interview, but since Gin asked him to, Kira would try his best and find out what he could.

The second division was a cheerless place, he noted uncomfortably. The walls were bare, the chairs looked rigid – probably as uncomfortable as the one he was sitting on – and there were only a handful of people in the division office.

“Good afternoon.” Soifon appeared soundlessly from a side door that had been cleverly concealed. “I'm glad you're early.”

“Good afternoon, Soifon-taichou,” said Kira hurriedly as he scrambled out of his chair. “Thank you for seeing me.”

She settled into a high-backed wooden armchair. Her eyes were alert and appraising. “It was no trouble. Sit down.” She peered over her hands at the nervous blond. “I don't bite. Not if I have no need to. So you can relax, and stop fidgeting.”

Kira nodded. “Y-yes Soifon-taichou.”

“I heard from Bai that you sense reiatsu and differentiate them by smell. That is something unusual,” she said, gaze never leaving Kira's face. “It is also useful, because everyone's scent is unique. Care to elaborate on some scents you can detect and identify?”

“I... can recognize my best friends' reiatsu, such as those of Abarai Renji, Hinamori Momo and Hisagii Shuuhei. Also, most taichous' reiatsu are easily identifiable because of the potency.”

“Describe Yamamoto-soutaichou's.”

“Ash, oak and a hint of myrrh,” Kira answered.

“Ichimaru Gin.”

“Pine and cypress and something I have yet to identify.”

“Unohana-taichou.”

“Astringent and running water.”

“Komamura-taichou.”

“Grass, just-turned earth, musk and iris.”

“Mine.”

“Dark chocolate, wild honey and sandalwood.”

The slender captain leaned back in her chair, an indefinable cast to her lips. Kira could not tell if she was smiling or frowning. Only the quick movements of her eyes gave away the fact that she was thinking.

She unclasped her hands. “Are there any questions you have about the Second division?”

“Yes, Soifon-taichou,” said Kira. He could feel his nervousness rising and tamped down on the nerves. “There's very little information on the division in the library, so I thought I could perhaps clarify some points with you.”

“Go ahead,” she answered with a little wave of her fingers.

“Um. How many different subdivisions are there in the second?”

Soifon frowned. “The onmitsukido, which everyone knows. The policing team. The detention team. The undercovers. Tracking. The administrative staff. Training.” She frowned and listed a few more before stopping and regarded Kira evenly. “Why do you need to know?”

Kira knew she would ask that question. “I wonder how I can contribute should I come to the division.”

“You'd do very well in Tracking, I believe, but don't let this interview determine your decision overmuch,” said Soifon. “I'd like to have you here, but I doubt you do.”

The blond flushed.

The slim woman got out of her chair gracefully. “There's an aura about you, Kira-san, that speaks of burdens and despair. Though I don't wish to say this, I think you're more suited to the Third division.” Her dark gaze locked onto Kira's blue eyes. “What is the flower insignia of the Third?”

“The marigold,” said Kira. “Which represents despair.”

“And since you bear that aura, you belong there far more than you do to the Second.”

xxxxx

The only time Kira could think of meeting the silver-haired captain would be at the Academy's graduates' fair. He sent a short, apologetic note, and then hung about the main arena on the day itself. Bright flags signaled the locations of various matches. Renji and Hinamori had joined the rest of their classmates in going to the kido exhibition matches and Kira was left alone.

Not quite as alone as he thought he'd be, however. Asou came up to Kira. “Hi. Aren't you going to look at the displays from the graduands?”

“Not yet,” said the pale blond with a quick smile. “I'll be there after I meet up with a friend.”

“I wasn't aware that Ichimaru-taichou was your friend.”

The statement came so fast that Kira was taken aback. He stared Asou's smug mien and a strong sense of dislike came over him. Drawing himself to his full height, Kira said coolly, “He is.”

Asou's slight frown was telling. “I suppose he's still paying attention to you?”

“And why are you so attentive about my affairs?”

The other student's smirk was definitely offensive. “Because I bet Aizen-taichou will be glad to hear – let go!”

Kira had pinned Asou to a tree in a single shove. “Don't you even dare,” hissed Kira. “Aizen-taichou has nothing to do in this.”

“He certainly does. My aunt's in the fifth division and she says he's always concerned about any dispatches from the Third and she always sees him looking at a photograph of them both.” For a top-class student Asou was incredibly dumb. He sniggered as he went on, “And all for a guy who's always playing around? I hear he has bedded a number of students already; I bet you're one of them. He doesn't really know discretion, does he?”

To his own surprise, Kira let go of Asou. Before the other student could leave, the blond student had punched Asou in the mouth and caused him to stagger few steps sideways. Kira was seething. “If you dare mention Ichimaru-taichou and his, his... him to Aizen-taichou, I will beat you to an inch of your life and ask Ichimaru-taichou to deal with you for the rest.”

“You're nowhere near strong enough,” sneered Asou, now as pale as Kira. “You got in this class because you paid for it with your body. I know it was only after Ichimaru interceded with the dean that you got in. I worked for my place! I worked! You just had to spread your legs for him to fuck you to get in here!”

The insult to his own achievements caused something in Kira to snap. “Don't you dare impugn me,” he whispered, rage icing every syllable he uttered. “I put in as much effort, if not more.”

“You? You don't even have a sword!” taunted Asou. He reached behind him and pulled out a blade. “Whereas I have mine!”

“ _What does not die?” asked the spirit in Kira's mind._

The answer swept into Kira with the force of a hurricane. _Cattle die, kinsman die, and each man too shall die,_ he had read somewhere in a book of translated poetry.

“I know one thing that never dies,” murmured the slender blond. “A dead man's reputation.”

_:You have found me. You can carry my burden now. Call me.:_

Kira's cold blue gaze met Asou's smirk. “Raise your head, Wabisuke.”

The other student backed away when the oddly shaped sword revealed itself in Kira's arms. “You can't use that,” stammered Asou.

“Are you afraid?” asked Kira quietly. “When you were the one who challenged me?”

“I never meant-”

“You said I got in to the advanced class because I spread my legs for Ichimaru-taichou,” said Kira, using the same calm tone as before. “You implied that I was weak and didn't deserve to be in the class.” Wabisuke's weight was just right, Kira mused privately. He swung his hooked sword about a few times. “Shall we test it out?”

Asou looked about to turn tail and run when he stiffened up and toppled over. Kira didn't turn around until he had sheathed his new zanpakuto. When he finally stepped around, he bowed low to the third seat of the fourth division. “Thank you.”

“I didn't think it'd be good for you two to steal the limelight from the graduands today,” the officer said, corking a small vial. He bent to examine the unconscious Asou. “Well, the _shinten_ is working. Clear off. I'll report him for bullying – it is most unseemly in a student of the advanced class.”

“Thank you.”

“Clear off, I said.” The officer glanced at him shrewdly. “I know the captain likes you. Get out of here now.”

xxxxx

Ichimaru Gin had something akin to radar, Kira felt privately. It was unfair that the captain could locate him so easily while he had searched across half the grounds for the silver-haired man.

“Kira, do you have news for me?”

“Yes Ichimaru-taichou,” murmured Kira. “She didn't go into much detail-”

“I need only the basics.” Ichimaru glanced about. “I think it's safe enough to head into a classroom or someplace. We need a quiet spot, and there isn't anywhere quiet around here.”

Obediently trotting behind the older man, Kira wondered at the need for all the secrecy. As a captain, wouldn't Gin be able to access all the information he needed from the Gotei's database, so why did he need Kira to ferret out that pathetic bit of data?

They found a secluded corner and Kira recounted his entire interview. Gin didn't make any comment as Kira detailed what Soifon said and how he himself replied.

“You're certain these are all the units that she mentioned.”

“Yes Ichimaru-taichou.”

The older man wagged a finger “When we're alone...”

“I'm sorry.” Kira felt his cheeks redden slightly. “Gin-san.”

“You'll drop the honorific someday,” muttered Gin. He tilted his head. “Thanks, Kira. So, what shall your reward be?”

The blond blinked a few times. “R-reward?”

“I'm sure you've thought about it.” Gin smirked. Then again, he was almost always smiling. “What shall it be?”

The younger man looked at his feet. His blue hakama contrasted with Gin's black robes. When he saw Gin inch closer, Kira's gaze shifted up and met the pale captain's eyes. Kira licked his mouth. “Um, Gin-san...”

“Yes?”

“If I asked, will you call me Izuru?”

Gin's mocking smile turned to one of pleasant surprise. “Do you want me to use your familiar name?”

Kira nodded, his face fully red. _He's gonna laugh. Oh my gods he's moving closer. He's gonna laugh at me. Or maybe he'll kiss me? I want him to kiss me. I want his kisses... but he has Kitamura-san now. Oh god he's so close I can feel his reiatsu prickling all over me oh my god it feels-_

“-like cold silk and velvet over your skin,” breathed Gin. “Am I right, Izuru?”

Kira could feel his pulse begin to race with that simple term. It was the way the captain said it: low, endearing, intimate. _How does he do it?_ Kira wondered absently, his curious blue eyes searching the silver-haired shinigami's face for some clue.

Gin bent low. “And you're hoping for a little more, aren't you, Izuru?”

“How do you know my thoughts?” asked Kira artlessly.

“You're remarkably easy to read,” whispered Gin, his lips moving over Kira's mouth, “and your eyes give you away, darling Izuru, your eyes say more than you want them to.”

The blond lost the thread of discussion at that point. Gin kept Kira's face steady, his lips gently brushing over Kira's mouth as he repeatedly murmured 'Izuru'. The wash of sweet, warm breath into Kira was sending him into a hazy delight.

“Izuru,” mumbled Gin, “Izuru, pledge yourself to me. Be mine, alone.”

“Hmm?”

Gin pulled away and stared at the young man in his thrall. “Be mine, just mine alone. No one else's.”

Slightly bemused, Kira's lashes fluttered as he organized his thoughts. “Why?”

“Because nothing in this world is mine alone.”

The melancholic wistfulness in Gin's voice reached deep into Kira's soul. The pale blond touched Gin's smooth cheek. “I'm sure there is someone or something that is yours, Gin-san.”

“Nothing is.” Gin leaned into the touch. “Aizen-san is his own person – and I am his. My post belongs to the Gotei. My possessions are nothing to me, and most are Gotei-issued or gifts from Aizen-san.”

“What about Kitamura-san?”

“We are together because we enjoy the company,” Gin admitted quietly. He opened his eyes slightly. “I'm waiting for you to come to me.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you.” Gin rested his forehead on Kira's. “Be mine, Izuru. Be only mine.”

He could not really think clearly now. The captain was so lonely and so sorrowful, and yet keeping all that pain buried under a smiling mask, driving others away with mockery and sarcasm and outright intimidation. It was as if Gin never really learned how to get along with people.

With a flash of insight Kira realized that was exactly the problem. Gin wasn't someone you would want to know, and circumstances around Gin had made it such that knowing him was a huge risk. A prodigious student, a favored lieutenant, a young ruthless captain... Few people liked being friends with the outstanding. Add to that Gin's natural aura of mystery and aloofness...

Kira Izuru made a decision. He wondered, briefly, if he would ever regret it, but even if he did, here and now, he was determined.

“Gin-san,” he said with quiet conviction, “I am completely yours.”

 


	26. 26.

Kira put down his brush when told to do so. He sighed and let his head roll back as the examiner collected his papers. Once they were released from the exam hall, Renji and Momo ran up to the blond.

“How did you do?” asked Momo urgently. “I'm sure I should have put in more on team disposition and-”

“-Momo, you make me nauseous when you go over the papers again,” Kira cut in. “We're done with it, let it be. If you know your stuff, I'm sure there won't be a problem.”

Renji stretched and twisted his torso from side to side. “Ow. I hate these three-hour papers. Anyone for a hot spring trip at the end of exams?”

“And where do you think you're gonna find a hot spring?” asked Kira acidly.

“Fine. A hot bath as soon as we get back?”

“I'm for it,” said Momo.

Both guys leered at her. “With us?”

Momo slapped at their shoulders. “Dirtbags. With Kira, maybe. I know he isn't interested. Renji...? Nah.”

“Hey, I enjoy a good ogle as much as any guy,” protested the blond.

Renji laughed. “Shouldn't I be the one protesting?”

“Kira Izuru!”

The trio paused at the sound of the shout. Asou rushed up at them and leveled a punch at Kira, except it never connected. Renji's meaty palm had grabbed the bespectacled male's wrist and twisted. Asou grimaced with pain but, to his credit, he didn't utter a sound.

Kira shook his head at his tall friend. Renji frowned but released Asou's hand. The pale blond stared fixedly at his classmate. “What do you want, Asou?”

“I've just been expelled,” he spat. “I've been expelled because of you and your whorish ways!”

Kira narrowed his eyes. “Excuse me?”

“Watch your mouth, ya slimy prick,” warned Renji at the same time as Kira.

“He's a fucking whore who sells his ass to get ahead,” Asou accused angrily. “And his pimp got to the dean and I'm thrown out, all because I challenged this blond gigolo!”

Momo almost started forward but restrained herself. Her large eyes were hard and furious though, and her fingers curled as if ready to strike. “Kira's is in this class based on his own merit!”

“If it weren't for him running and crying to Ichimaru Gin, would I be thrown out?” Asou yelled, heedless of the small crowd that was beginning to gather about the quartet.

“I said nothing to anyone,” said Kira coldly. “Perhaps someone else noticed you attacking me and reported it?”

“You were the one who drew a sword on me!”

A ripple of interest spread through the watching audience. Renji whistled in a low tone, but made no contribution to the argument otherwise.

Kira scoffed. “You were the one taunting me about not having a zanpakuto. You also bragged about your own. Asou-san, I suggest you stop making a scene and leave immediately before the teachers have any more reason to sack you.”

The crowd tittered further. There was an air of anticipation now. Enraged, Asou lashed out, “Why should I be sacked? Just because you're willing to spread your legs and suck cock you get to stay? Where's the justice?!”

“The justice is in the mere fact of you insulting a compatriot,” a cool female voice interjected. The crowd parted, awed into silence as Unohana Retsu walked towards the four young students. “And that you also dared to impugn the character of a Gotei captain.”

“Unohana-taichou,” gasped Momo.

Renji and Kira bowed politely, if awkwardly, still keeping an eye on Asou who seemed to be petrified by the senior captain's appearance. Unohana-taichou moved with her usual measured steps and halted just as she reached the four.

“I heard most of it,” she said. “Congratulations, firstly, on attaining shikai.”

“Thank you,” replied Kira. Asou couldn't speak.

Unohana-taichou smiled her motherly smile. “Secondly, I am placing Asou-san under arrest for maligning a captain.”

“But Unohana-taichou, I was speaking the truth-”

“-you were not,” she interrupted him coolly. Her liquid gaze fell on Kira and Asou. “I was the one who recommended that you be removed from this Academy when I heard the report from my third seat. Asou-san, in my professional opinion, you do not belong in an organization where cohesion and teamwork are paramount. You also bear unwarranted grudges against those you deem superior. In addition, you provoked Kira-san into an attack just so you could humiliate him with your zanpakuto. Someone as small-minded as you will not be an asset to any division.” Her usual beatific, calm demeanor was forbidding now. There was absolute silence as her words struck against Asou, but she didn't appear to notice. “I suggest now that you stop making a fool of yourself and leave the academy with as much good grace as you can muster. If you can learn to overcome that flaw in your character, you can try for the Academy again in ten years' time.” She smiled, but there was no warmth in it. “After all, what is time to a soul?”

The bespectacled young man stumbled back and headed out of the crowd. Kira watched him leave, an indefinable feeling suffusing his being.

Unohana-taichou shook her head. “Such potential wasted on such meager character,” she muttered under her breath. Then she regarded the audience. “I have to speak with them. Please feel free to go.”

The watching young students dispersed immediately, some resorting to shunpo to get away as fast as possible. Renji watched their exit with interest; possibly he wanted to go too.

“I shan't keep you long,” said the captain. “Kira-san, I heard from Ichimaru-taichou that you're considering the fourth division. Since he seldom mentions non-shinigami folk, I thought I should get to know you. May I know why he recommended you for the Healers?”

“Um.” Kira flushed. “He said that I was lacking in the art of healing, and should brush up on it.”

“I see,” said the captain thoughtfully. “I am considering the recommendation, but I should be clear: if you do join, I will put you in the greenhouses as part of the research team.”

Kira was perplexed. “Why?”

“You are easily agitated, young man. Some time spent cultivating herbs will teach you patience.”

Renji chuckled but smothered the sound behind his hand. Kira elbowed his friend in the stomach and then bowed to thank the captain. She nodded at all of them before walking away in a stately manner.

The redhead burst out laughing. “She's got your number, Izuru. She actually caught your impatient nature!”

“Yeah yeah.” Kira puffed out a breath. It was flattering that the captain had noticed him and, in addition, saved him – all thanks to Ichimaru-taichou mentioning him to Unohana-taichou.

Momo smacked Kira on his chest. “You moron, why didn't you tell us about your shikai?”

“Eh?”

“Oh, yeah!” Renji smacked Kira on the back. “You idiot! What's to hide from us, huh?”

“Um, I forgot,” said Kira lamely. “I'd been too focused on the exams, y'know?”

“How long have you had it?” Momo inquired, her eyes shining with curiosity.

Kira frowned as he calculated. “Uh, three, four weeks?”

“And you didn't mention it once? You freak of nature,” growled Renji.

“I forgot! Really!”

The other two rolled their eyes and then pulled Kira towards the cafeteria, demanding that he treat them to extra desserts.

xxxxx

“Didja hear? Hisagi-san is Aizen-taichou's new boyfriend,” whispered Sarutobi when the three sat down at the table. “Latest gossip from the ninth division.”

Renji made a face. “You sure of your facts? I thought Hisagi-sempai was more focused on his career.”

“Anyone who has a close relationship with Aizen-taichou rise up the ranks real fast,” retorted Sarutobi. He tapped his nose. “Kai-fukutaichou, for one. Tousen-taichou and Ichimaru-taichou, for two others. Man, he must be real good for the career path.”

Kira remained silent as he ate. _Shuuhei can sleep with whomever he wants. Stop thinking about him scolding you for approaching Gin._

Still, that thought felt a little sour. Kira forced it down with a mouthful of rice and a lot of willpower. It grated that he was still concerned, still jealous, that Hisagi Shuuhei could move on. _Had_ moved on. To a captain, no less.

_Shuuhei has nothing to do with me now. He can sleep with whomever he wants._

xxxxx

Outside the third division captain's quarters, the view was spectacularly mundane. Kira kicked his heels against the wall as he waited, not having even a nice sunset to view. If it wasn't for the fact that it was a short one week break for the Academy teachers to complete grading, Kira would have headed back to the student dorms. As it were, he decided to wait around and thank Ichimaru-taichou in person.

Eventually, when the moon was well up to its apex, the silver-haired shinigami staggered in from the street. He was weaving on his feet, almost stumbling over them, and Kira hurried up to catch the captain before he fell face first onto the path.

“...'zru? That you?” Ichimaru-taichou slurred. “Nice t' see ya... better if it ain't when I'm about to hurl sick...” There was a short gulp of air, a violent shudder, and the captain landed on his knees. Before Kira could help him up again, Ichimaru-taichou threw up on the grass just outside his dwelling.

The blond made a face but supported the older male before he could topple in his own vomit. With some effort he hauled one lean arm over his own shoulder and then opened the door. It wasn't locked – Kira groused a little under his breath, but even if he did know earlier that it was unlocked he wouldn't have dared to step inside without an invitation anyway.

“You haven't greeted me yet, 'zru,” drawled the captain.

“Good evening Ichimaru-taichou,” answered Kira obediently.

Ichimaru-taichou shoved Kira away. “No! No no no no. Me'm Gin. You – call me Gin. Just Gin. Cause _I_ call you Zru. You call me – Gin.”

“Gin-san-”

“Gin!”

“... Gin,” Kira said obediently, “come with me and let's get you cleaned up.”

Gin nodded and allowed Kira to navigate him to the bathroom. Once there, the captain flopped bonelessly to the floor. The blond youth hesitated, but looking at the disgusting patches on the captain's uniform, Kira threw all hesitation to the wind and disrobed Gin. It wasn't the first time Kira saw Gin naked anyway.

The slender, pale man didn't struggle nor did he help in the removal of his clothes. Kira wasn't even sure that the captain was awake. He could not help the wince when he had to haul Gin to the side of the bath where a low stool was placed and he could smell the stench of vomit mingled with stale alcohol, nor could he help his wandering eyes and hands as he cleaned the captain. The water was tepid, but other than a slight tremble Gin appeared not to have noticed. When Kira soaped him down, Gin's lips curved faintly and then there was a soft sigh of relaxed contentment.

Kira had to shake his head. Carefully he lathered up Gin's hair, loving how the older male lolled his head back and nuzzled into Kira's massage.

“Izuru, ya so nice to me,” he murmured. “Why are ya s' nice ta me, 'zuru?”

“I don't know,” said Kira honestly, now laving water and rinsing away shampoo foam. “I just want to.”

Some soapy water got into Gin's mouth, apparently; he sputtered a little, but didn't react otherwise. Kira continued to rinse away the soap left on Gin's body. There was a tattoo on Gin's lower back, a sinuous form composed of leaves and vines. Kira daringly ran his fingers over it, marveling that such an intricate pattern existed on the slender captain's body.

“Izuru, I'm getting cold,” complained Gin softly.

“Oh, sorry.” Kira scooted out to grab a nearby towel to wrap about the captain. Belatedly he realized his own clothes were wet too.

Gin seemed to be marginally more alert than earlier. “Take off your clothes, Izuru.”

 _Have we progressed that fast?_ “Uh...”

“I can lend you a kimono until it dries,” Gin went on.

Kira's cheeks burned with embarrassment. _Mind, out of the gutter. NOW._

“Or you can stay naked until your clothes dry,” said the pale, silver-haired man with a lazy and suggestive smirk. “I certainly wouldn't mind.”

_He's not helping at all._

_No he isn't, since he only has a towel draped about him and he's all drunk and available and practically screaming for you to take advantage of his drunken state and OH MY GOD THE TOWEL JUST FELL TO THE FLOOR._

Heedless of his nudity, Gin sauntered shakily over to his bed and promptly fell on it, face down, his smooth back and pert ass on full display.

 _Oh dear gods,_ Kira's mind raced wildly. _If I do take this chance to... but I'll be taking advantage... but that ass, and those legs, and he's totally out of it-_

“You might wanna drool on a non-absorbent surface,” Gin drawled, turning his face to look at Kira beneath half-opened eyes. Blue-green orbs fixed Kira in place, a snake capturing its prey with its hypnotic gaze. He rolled over languidly, providing a free show for the younger male. “You still have your clothes on, Izuru.”

“Uh...” Kira's mind was short-circuiting, but something cut into his fantasies. “I should leave. Kitamura-san might get angry if he finds-”

“He's GONE!” yelled Gin suddenly. He sat up and hurled his pillow against the wall. “Fuyuki's fucking _gone_! Don't _**ever**_ mention his name in my presence again!” The rage ebbed as abruptly as it came. Gin starting weeping, much to Kira's horror. “He's gone, he's gone forever...”

Kira moved forward slowly. His wet clothes stuck to his skin and he was aware of the discomfort, but the sight of Gin crying was more than he could bear. “Gin-san, what happened?”

“He's gone,” sobbed Gin. “I made him go away, Izuru, I thought I was doing the right thing and it wasn't... it wasn't. I trusted him, I trusted him so much... he betrayed me. He played me, Izuru, he played me and my feelin's like they weren't worth nothin' ta him...” Gin's sobs were heart-wrenching now. Kira folded the older male into a comforting hug. “I thought he loved me, thought I meant more t' him than summun t' warm a bed wit'... he dint care nothin' fer me, nothin', and I fell fer it... such a stupid foo'...”

Kira held Gin in his arms as the silver-haired man cried his heart out. The pale blond sighed and stroked silky tresses. A traitorous thought wormed its way into his mind as Gin wept. As he looked at the slender man curled into his shoulder, Kira wondered if this would be the perfect time to take Kitamura Fuyuki's place in Gin's bed.

Slowly the older male regained his composure. He shifted and his warm, if still alcoholic, breath brushed over Kira's cheek. “D'you think I am stupid, Izuru?”

“No, of course not,” Kira answered rapidly.

Gin shifted back to regard the young blond. He put a finger to Kira's lips. “I'm gonna ask ya sumpin', Zuru. Ya gotta listen and think 'fore ya answer me, 'kay?”

“Okay,” said Kira, uncertain of what Gin was intending.

The silver-haired man moved close and cupped Kira's face in his hot hands. “You said... that ya love me. Just nod if yes.”

Kira nodded.

“Good. And because... you love me, you'll trus' me, right?”

Nodding again.

Gin smiled and leaned so close his lips touched, feather-light, against Kira's mouth. “An' because ya trust me, you'll assume tha' everythin' I say t'ya... is the truth, right?”

Kira blinked, afraid to move, but when Gin's grip tightened the younger male nodded quickly.

The captain chuckled. “So if one day... one day, fer some inexplicable purpose, I lie t' ya. All yer trust, all yer respec'... imagine that I throw 'em all away.” He pulled away a little and cocked his head. “Will ya still love me?”

There was a moment in which Kira could hear his heart beat. Then he raised his hands and took Gin's from his face. Holding the warm fingers, Kira bent forward and kissed Gin.

“I will love you no matter what you do, Gin-san,” whispered Kira. He gazed into red-rimmed eyes. “I already promised you: I am completely yours.”

With a speed that frightened Kira, Gin had him pinned to the floor. Slitted eyes stared down at Kira hungrily. “You did promise, didn't you?”

Kira gulped. “Yes, I did.”

“I'm gonna take ya hard, Izuru,” murmured Gin harshly. “I'm gonna hurt you. D'you still wanna be here? Here, where I _will_ hurt you as much as you can take?”

 _This isn't right,_ Kira's inner voice screamed. _Get out, get out!_

Wabisuke cackled. : _You know you want to stay.:_

_You'll be hurt-_

_:-and you'll like it.:_

Gin gripped Kira's wrists more firmly. “Are you gonna stay, Izuru? Are you gonna let me hurt ya?”

_No. :Yes.: No. :YES.:_

“Yes,” breathed Kira. “Oh gods yes.”

Thin white hands ripped Kira's clothes apart and Gin locked his lips over Kira's. He forced the younger man's mouth open and their tongues fought. Kira was reeling from the assault on his mouth when he was unceremoniously hauled to a sitting position so that the sleeves could be yanked off.

“Last chance,” Gin snarled in Kira's face. “I will not be gentle, Izuru. I can't, not with you. Not with you.”

Kira swallowed and undid his belt. “You won't need to be.”

 _:You're mad. You're mad, insane, crazy.:_ The voice inside was soft and sorrowful. _:You're mad...:_

Gin's naked body slid over Kira's, devouring each arched line and startled whimper with something close to bloodlust. Kira clawed at the perfect back that writhed with his touch. When Gin parted the blond's legs, Kira had to brace himself mentally. This was not the gentle lovemaking he had fantasized about, longed for, desired. There was no hint of recognition in the captain's eyes when their gazes locked together; the agony in the blond's shoulder was real, inflicted by Gin's teeth that broke skin so hard Kira could scent blood; there would be bruises where Gin was holding him, beneath his thighs slippery with perspiration. Their coupling was harsh and brutal, as Gin promised. There was no preparation beyond the most cursory; Gin was too far gone to care for tenderness.

Yet, just as Gin breached Kira's body, the young man heard a muttered apology from the pale captain. As the younger man screamed until his voice broke, a low mutter echoed in the far reaches of his mind. _:I'm sorry for what I will make you endure.:_

 

 


	27. 27.

Kira woke up, a little sore and tired. He was alone. The hush of the room seemed to swallow him up, and nervously the blond tugged the thin sheet that covered him up to his chin.

“Gin?” he called out softly.

There was no reply. Kira bit his lower lip, then gingerly slipped out of the futon. He hissed with pain; there were more bruises than he remembered receiving the night before, and the burning in his... well, sensitives... made even getting to his feet an ordeal.

As he got dressed, he realized that his right shoulder was stiffer than expected and there was an insistent itch. A mirror revealed that the cause was a large bite. Kira flushed as he prodded at it.

xxxxx

“That you, Izuru?” Renji sat up from his bed with a groan. Kira whirled around, half-undressed, surprised that his friend had been awakened. The redhead yawned and said, “I wasn't sure if you were coming back at all – holy fuck what the hell happened to you?”

Suddenly Kira was acutely aware of the many dark patches on his fair skin. “It's nothing,” he stammered and tugged on his top again. He could not deal with this now.

“Rubbish,” snapped Renji. He was at Kira's side in an instant and pulled the robe aside. He grimaced when he saw the marks. “Izuru, this is... Did someone... was this... Did Ichimaru-taichou do all this to you?”

Kira looked away. “It's nothing,” he insisted weakly. “It's not him.”

The red-haired young man made an exasperated sound with his teeth and tongue. “Izuru, I know you like the man, but allowing him to do this is... this - this is sick!”

“It's not! He didn't mean it,” argued Izuru, heated and embarrassed. “I-I-I was... I came on to him, and, and things got out of hand is all. We didn't... I... It doesn't hurt.”

“Izuru,” said Renji softly, “listen to yourself. Are ya sure it doesn't hurt?”

“Shut up,” snapped Kira, his embarrassment altering into annoyance. “It's none of your business, okay? You don't know what's going on. Leave it.” He grabbed blindly at a towel. “I'm gonna take a shower.”

Renji crossed his arms. “You better hope there isn't anyone else in the showers, Kira Izuru, else ugly rumors are gonna start and I don't even begin to know where to begin stopping 'em.”

“I didn't ask you to try!” was Kira's curt rejoinder as he left.

The tall redhead shook his head, concerned and irritated. He could feel that Ichimaru-taichou wasn't someone to be messed with, and getting tangled up in anything involving that perpetually smiling captain was asking for a world of mind-fuckery. But Izuru was one of his best friends, and Renji wasn't about to see him fall into Ichimaru-taichou's trap.

A knock on the door disturbed Renji. He got up and saw his neighbor standing in the corridor.

“Hey, I gotta go, so can you hand that to Kira? It's something one of the Third division shinigami passed to me.” She tucked a stray lock behind her ear. “I think it's from Ichimaru-taichou, and I don't dare leave it till later.”

“Yeah, thanks.” Renji waited until the girl had gone. He made sure he was leaning on the door before he carefully opened the envelope and unfolded the note within.

' _Izuru,_

_I wonder if I could see you tonight, and I promise I shall not drink so much beforehand._

_Gin._ '

“They're on first-name basis already?” mused Renji, feeling even more worried. That Ichimaru-taichou had been drunk the previous night was obvious, and if he could inflict such punishment while drunk did not bode well for Izuru – in the redhead's experience in Rukongai, being violent while drunk was only an excuse to vent their anger, and these people too soon needed no drink to give in to their rage.

He stared at the flimsy piece of paper in his hand. Then he shredded it and tossed the fragments into his wastebasket.

xxxxx

It was a miserable week for Kira. The blond wondered if he had done something wrong that pissed Ichimaru-taichou off so bad that the older male didn't even contact him. Kira himself didn't dare to initiate contact; if he _had_ ticked off Ichimaru-taichou, pestering him for a meetingcertainly wasn't going to help matters.

In addition, Renji had taken to hovering about him like a protective mother hen. Hinamori wasn't blind nor stupid, and had told Renji off a few times for treating Kira like an invalid.

“He's perfectly capable of carrying his own tray, Abarai-kun!” she scolded when the redhead insisted on helping Kira carry his lunch tray to a vacant table.

Kira sighed. He wished Renji wouldn't be this smothering, but he knew the reason: Renji was afraid for Kira, and did not want Kira to have time alone with Ichimaru-taichou. _Well,_ thought Kira dejectedly, _he needn't worry. At this rate of non-communication, I'd be as old as Yamamoto-soutaichou before the captain even acknowledges my presence._

When Renji trotted off to wheedle another serving from the cafeteria lady, Hinamori leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, “Kira, why not give him a chance?” Her brows waggled in a suggestive manner.

“Huh?”

She rolled her expressive eyes at Kira's slowness. “Renji. It's obvious he's trying to get into your good books. I bet he's got a crush on you. Since he's a pretty nice guy and you two are such good buddies, why not give him a chance?”

“Whoa, slow down,” stuttered Kira, his palms raised. “He does NOT have a crush on me! Whatever gives you the idea?”

“Well, he's always around you, he keeps an eye on you wherever you go, he's the one staring at you whenever we have combat drills and such... Kinda blatant, actually.”

Kira sighed again. “Hinamori, he's not – Renji's just a good friend. We're not ever going to have that kind of relationship.”

Renji chose this moment to return with an overflowing platter of assorted leftovers. “What kind of relationship?”

Hinamori smiled prettily. “The kind where you get to date, kiss and make out.”

“What?” the red-haired male blurted incredulously. “With Izuru?” He turned to examine the blond, who raised an eyebrow in challenge. Renji snorted. “No way.”

“Oh come on, 'fess up. You've been a super-attentive-to-Kira-Izuru mood lately.” The brunette frowned. “Or is there something that I don't know?”

A mischievous thought popped into Kira's mind. “Yeah,” he drawled slowly. “Y'see, Hinamori... he's being nice and sweet to me because I'm pregnant.”

Renji blinked, pausing mid-chew. Hinamori gaped.

“Renji's the daddy,” Kira added shyly.

At that Renji choked and he sprayed the table with bits of chewed food. Hinamori shrieked at the response and then slapped Kira's hand for the outrageous lie.

“You're incorrigible,” she declared as the blond collapsed into laughter at Renji's red face and the collective stares from the few students about them. “But if you ever get pregnant, I wanna be godmother.”

“Uh, male with male parts here.”

“Technology is amazing,” she retorted. And then she added wickedly, “I bet you two would make beautiful babies.”

Kira shrugged a shoulder. “We're gorgeous. I've no doubt.” The redhead merely snorted but made no comment.

“Attention all students,” a voice boomed over the intercom. The three straightened, though Renji resumed eating. “Tomorrow afternoon the leaders of various Societies will pay the Academy a visit. Please report to your classes on time and be ready for visitors.”

xxxxx

Hisagi muttered English phrases to himself as he filed away past issues of the Seireitei Weekly proofs. He had been selected to guide the contingent from Camelot, and he wasn't certain he was up to the task. Still, every division had sent high-seated representatives, even the eleventh division (though whether the group could handle Ayasegawa Yumichika was another matter), so he had better do a good job.

“You should go back and get a good night's rest,” said Tousen Kaname from somewhere near the door.

Hisagi stepped away from the shelves until he could see his captain. “Yes taichou. I'll leave as soon as I'm done with this stack.”

“Are you prepared?” asked the blind man.

“I think I am,” said Hisagi. “It's not easy to pronounce some of the words, but Aizen-taichou has taught me much.”

“He recommended that you undergo training in preparation for a post as lieutenant.”

Hisagi blinked, his mouth hanging open. Then he snapped his mouth shut. “But-but I've just come to the fifth seat-”

Tousen shook his head. “Anyone with the aptitude and capability shouldn't be held back. Do think about it and let me know your considerations. I would teach you to wield your strength properly.” He hesitated. “But I do not recommend a further dalliance with Aizen-taichou, Hisagi. He is... a good man to work with professionally, but the management of his personal affairs leave much to be desired. I don't think an intimate association with him would be beneficial to your career.”

xxxxx

“My captain disapproves of you,” Hisagi informed Aizen that evening as they lay side by side in bed. The younger male was running lazy fingers over Aizen's belly.

Without opening his eyes, Aizen raised his brows. “Oh? We work well together. Any reason for his disapproval?”

Hisagi smirked. “He thinks you conduct your private life lousily. And that if I continue to associate intimately with you, my career prospects would be poor.”

The older male opened his brown eyes now. “Tousen Kaname used to be my lieutenant, you know.”

“Mm-hmm,” mumbled Hisagi, dropping a kiss to Aizen's bare shoulder.

“He knows very little,” Aizen muttered, rolling Hisagi onto his back. “But I admit that I'm not as good in handling my love life as my professional life.”

Hisagi grinned up at the dark-haired man above him. “You're good enough.”

xxxxx

Kira wished he knew what was going through Ichimaru-taichou's head. The silver-haired man had brought a tall European into the Academy this afternoon and was leading him around the campus. Judging from the way they held hands and the way they regarded each other, the European was probably Ichimaru Gin's lover.

It was painful, seeing the soft and tender expression on Ichimaru-taichou's face whenever he spoke to the tall, muscular blond. When the European stroked the fringe back from Ichimaru's brow, Kira found himself wanting to be the one who brought out that particular smile from the captain's face.

After a few moments of watching the two stroll along the corridor of the training dojos, the blond fled. The twisting pain in his chest made it hard for him to breathe, and he was having difficulty watching where he was going.

He collided with somebody, fell back a couple of steps and hastily apologized. The tears that had been manfully held back suddenly broke through his defenses and he kept his head bowed as he tried to walk around the other person. However, the person he knocked into caught hold of his right arm.

“Hey,” said a gruff voice. “Are you hurt?”

Kira shook his head, wishing that the person would just let go.

“Then why are you crying?” the man asked.

Kira blinked away the wetness defiantly and looked up into Madarame Ikkaku's face. Behind him was the fifth seat, Ayasegawa Yumichika. Both appeared faintly concerned, the third seat more so.

“I'm fine,” repeated Kira in a weak voice.

Just when Kira thought Madarame would insist on asking, Ayasegawa touched the burly man's shoulder and shook his head slightly; there was a hint of warning in his dark eyes.

“What's your name, kid?” asked the sophisticated fifth-seat.

“Kira Izuru.”

“Well, Kira-kun, watch your step next time,” said Ayasegawa kindly. Kira felt instant gratitude and bowed once more before he ran down the hall.

“Nice-looking kid,” commented Madarame as Kira fled.

Ayasegawa smiled. “He'd be attractive if he'd smile more.”

“I dunno. Yumichika. That air of having been bullied does make people wanna hug him.”

“Excuse me?” The temperature dropped a few dozen degrees.

Madarame Ikkaku grinned and planted a kiss on the fifth-seat's cheek. “You're still the best though.”

Ayasegawa flicked his hair. “Of course.”

xxxxx

Renji patted Kira's head awkwardly. There wasn't a lot he could say and frankly, he was glad Ichimaru-taichou had another guy. At least Kira wouldn't be hurt physically by the captain.

Of course, the way Kira was drinking now, he would probably need a liver transplant if he were human.

When Kira had come into the room with his head bowed and tears dripping from the end of his chin, Renji had been alarmed. But then the blond had only buried his face in his pillow and cried his heart out; the redhead was the one who decided that alcohol would help burn off heartache faster.

And since Kira had wanted company, Renji had also partaken a fair bit in cheap sake. He felt a little lightheaded, but that was nothing compared to Kira who was sprawled over the table. There was only one bottle left. Renji studied it carefully, then upended it into his mouth. No sense wasting wine.

Kira's head lolled to one side and he murmured something unintelligible. However, it didn't take a rocket scientist to know that Kira had just mumbled Ichimaru Gin's name. Even the thought of the silver-haired captain made Renji hiss. He shuffled over to his friend and slung Kira's arm over his broad shoulders.

“Come on Kira,” he slurred as he tried to get to his feet. “Let's get you to bed.”

“Mmm.” Kira's voice was soft and raw.

Renji suddenly wished he could tear Ichimaru apart with his hands. To hurt his friend that badly... that bastard wasn't worth his position. Since Kira was essentially legless in his drunken state, Renji gave up supporting him and instead slung the blond into his arms, carrying him to bed.

Kira wasn't unconscious from drink yet. “Ren?”

“Yeah?”

“I'm so stupid, aren't I?” Kira's voice was small. “He's obviously never going to love me.”

Renji tucked Kira in and patted his friend's hand. He was tipsy, not drunk, so he was still able to form somewhat coherent thoughts. Finally he decided to speak honestly. “No, he's not.”

The blond sniffed. “So why do I keep looking for him?”

“... You love him, that's why.” Renji smiled sadly. “I can't meet Rukia, and I keep thinking of her. Same reason.”

“We're both stupid.”

“Yeah, we are.” The taller youth sighed. “That's why we're friends, y'see.”

“Yeah.” Kira sniffed once more and rolled over into sleep. “Stupid friends.”

As he got ready for bed, Renji breathed out slowly once more and shook his head. “Stupid friends.”

 


	28. 28.

****Kira studied his face in the mirror. Then he tugged the collar down and touched the dark mark on his neck. The slight sting told him that he hadn't healed it properly, and he knew why. Quickly darting into a shower cubicle, Kira loosened the belt of his yukata.

“I'm sick,” he told himself. But he still reached down between his legs and wrapped his hand about his erection, pumping as he recalled everything Gin inflicted.

_Gin had pinned Kira down, his hips thrusting roughly forward, his mouth hungrily tasting all down Kira's neck. The blond whimpered with each thrust, his gasps coming more and more shallowly. And then a sharp burst of exquisite sensation smashed into Kira. His voice broke as he cried out, his fingers digging into the smooth back above him, his hips locking forward. Vision blurred, Kira could only surrender to the man above him, begging for more. When he felt teeth sink into the junction of his neck and shoulder Kira screamed as he released, pain and pleasure blended into one incoherent mess._

“Gin.” Kira shuddered and gasped quietly for breath, his hand sticky with his seed. “Gin... I need... oh gods.”

It had been some time, and still that night plagued him. Kira washed his hands, his mood dour and sullen. He wished he could erase the recollection from his head, just as he had just washed his hands clean of his sick obsession. Ever since that night, he had been increasingly disturbed by how much he had responded to the pain.

Renji was right. He needed help.

xxxxx

“Knock knock.” A silver head came around the door. “Kira Izuru, you around?”

Kira jumped to his feet the second he recognized the voice. “Ichimaru-taichou?”

“Ichimaru-taichou,” Renji ground out from between his teeth.

“Izuru,” said Gin, his gaze fixed on the redhead even as he flashed a cheerful smile, “I've been looking for you. Come for a walk with me.” Kira hesitated only a moment; Renji pulled lightly on Kira's pants leg. The blond tugged out of his friend's hold and ran up to the captain. Gin smiled wider and added, “I'll take good care of him fer ya, Abarai-kun.”

Kira pondered over that statement. Did Renji really have feelings for him? Was that why he was so protective recently? Yet there was no other signal that showed any attraction on Renji's part.

 _Hmm. I think I'm thinking too much._ As the younger male forced his thoughts away from his best friend, he realized that he was being led away from the dormitories.

“Gin? A-are you all right?” Kira asked timidly.

Gin's answer was a tad too relaxed. “Why shouldn't I be? Good weather-” It was an angry bruise-purple overhead, but Kira didn't mention it; “a cute young man beside me... I feel decades younger already.”

The captain had faint worry lines in his brow and a sorrowful cast to his mouth when he was not smiling. Kira swallowed; he had to probe further or else he would never be able to rest.

“But... what about the tall European gentleman you were showing around the other day?”

“He's left, Izuru.” That reply was firm, almost curt, but Gin softened his tone. “We're old friends. He came to visit and to tell me that he's about to start a new life.” The look on the pale, pointed face explained far more than his words, and Kira kicked himself mentally.

“Oh.” _That man has just passed away. Faded out._ Kira bit on his lower lip, wishing he had left well enough alone. “I'm sorry.”

Gin seemed grateful that the topic was dropped. He looped an arm over Kira's thin shoulders. “Never mind that. How come you haven't been answering my letters?”

“Letters?” Kira blinked rapidly. “I didn't get any letters...” He paused. Then his blue eyes narrowed.

“What is it?”

“I'm gonna _kill_ Abarai Renji!” snapped the younger man. _How DARE he! Who the hell is he to read my correspondence! And those were PRIVATE!_

Gin chuckled. “Okay... I'm guessing that ain't the real 'kill him' kind of 'kill him'.”

“No, of course not!” Kira blew out his cheeks. “Who could contemplate such a thing? It's just that – I _knew_ he'd been acting odd! He'd been intercepting my letters! How dare he – oooh, I'm gonna throttle him and-” He was cut off by a full-on kiss.

Gin's tongue slipped into Kira's mouth and explored leisurely, coaxing soft whimpers and weak moans out of the younger male. When the silver-haired captain released him, Kira clung to Gin's haori.

“You're cute when you're angry,” teased Gin, tapping on Kira's nose. Then the expression became tender. “I'm sorry about that night. I didn't mean to... I saw what I left on your body. I'm sorry.”

Kira felt blood surging to his face and looked down, away from the hidden blue-green gaze.

Gin stroked the pale golden hair. “Izuru?”

“I-I thought, I thought you hated me,” Kira babbled. “I... there was no word from you and... I was afraid to talk to you and Renji was saying that – that you hurt me and that I was stupid to-”

The older male pulled Kira into a hug and shushed him gently. “It's alright, I lost control. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, I won't hurt you again. I'm sorry.”

 _Won't hurt me again? Then I'll never feel the ecstasy of that night again, the loss of myself in pleasure and the surrender..._ “...but Gin,” stammered Kira, burying his face into fabric. He could not look at Gin while he said it; he could not bear to witness the disgust he was certain would appear, but he had to say it, “Gin, am I sick?”

“Why are you asking that?”

“Because I...” _Oh gods, please stop now, I can't tell him but he HAS to know, he has to, and maybe then I will know if he wants me for me._ “When I felt the marks, th-the bruises... I really felt – Gin, when you...” _say it, say it because he deserves to know the truth_ “hurt me... I loved it. I loved feeling each mark you left on me and I thought I was sick in the head for even thinking it and-and yet I hated myself for even liking it and now I'm telling you all this oh gods you're gonna hate me because I'm so completely out of my _mind_ -”

Before the pale blond could ramble himself into tears, Gin shook him. “Hey. Breathe.”

Kira inhaled shallowly. He could feel the tears at the corners of his eyes and readied himself for rejection.

“Izuru,” Gin murmured, “I don't hate you.”

 _You don't? You don't! Call me Izuru again, please!_ Kira nibbled back his hope.

Gin brushed over Kira's cheek. “I'm sorry I hurt you before, but if you really enjoy it, we can work something out.”

“Y-you mean...”

A suggestive leer painted itself over the silver-haired shinigami's face. “You're not the only person in the world who enjoys feeling sensations, Izuru. And I, uh... I aim to please when I have a lover.”

Kira felt his face grow hot. “But it's wrong, isn't it?”

“If you like it,” murmured Gin in Kira's ear, “how can it be wrong?”

“But... to want to be hurt...” Kira was almost sobbing with conflicting thoughts now, self-loathing and guilt warring for control with harsh, blinding desire. “I-I can't imagine why I can even think that, I can't imagine how I can like it, to-to want it.”

Gin soothed Kira, holding him as if calming a child. “Because you're you, Izuru. It's you, and you can't explain that. You're the person staring in a mirror asking the mirror to explain why you look the way you look. It's impossible, Izuru. Just accept it.”

“It's wrong,” repeated Kira, trying to free himself. “Isn't it?”

Gin tightened his embrace. “It's not wrong if you like it. Tell yourself that, Izuru. Say it.”

“It's not...wrong, it's not wrong if I... if I like it.”

“Say it again.”

“It's not wrong if... if I like it.” Kira sniffed again, and closed his eyes. _It's not wrong. It's not wrong. He accepts it in me. I... I accept this in me._ Kira felt himself relax into Gin's embrace and the words settle into his soul. _I'm not sick. It's not wrong. I want it, it's not wrong._

Gin's breath dusted over Kira's ear. “So Izuru, do you want me to hurt you when we make love?”

_It's not wrong, it's not wrong, it's not wrong._

“Mark me as yours, every time,” whispered Kira. “Please.”

“As you wish.”

xxxxx

It wasn't long before Gin sent Kira back to the dormitory, and the captain made sure he kissed Izuru at the entrance of the room he shared with Abarai Renji in full view of the redhead. After Gin left, Kira shut the door and leaned his forehead over it, before he turned around to meet Renji's stony glare.

“I want to speak with you.” Kira's blue gaze bore into Renji. “Now.”

“Good,” replied Renji. “Same here.”

The blond cocked his head. “So who's on first? Shall we toss a coin?”

“Let's make it easy. I'll start.” The taller male folded his arms. “Izuru, Ichimaru-taichou isn't healthy for you. You know this. Ever since you've met him you've been hung up on him. You wrecked a great relationship with Hisagi for him, you've turned into this lovesick little puppy that fawns over him, and you came back marked with bruises and bite marks after one single night in his bed. You even drank yourself into a stupor for him. How can that be a man you wanna stay with?”

Kira narrowed his eyes. “That's loads better than a guy who pries into things that aren't his business, who deliberately hides facts from his best pal, and butts in with advice that wasn't asked for, don't you think?”

“Hides facts? What do you mean, hides facts?”

“Oh, cut the acting Renji,” snapped Kira. “You opened letters that were addressed to me, didn't you? You intercepted his notes to me. Just because you can't get the girl you want doesn't mean you can stop me from getting with the man I want!”

Renji sputtered angrily, “Don't you equate your situation with me. Rukia is out of my reach, I get that. I am NOT venting my frustration by sabotaging you!”

Izuru stepped forward. “Then what are you doing?”

“I am trying to look out for you!” yelled Renji, prodding Kira in the chest. “I have seen so-called “affectionate behavior” escalate into worlds of hurt, Kira Izuru. First is just some drunken rough violent sex, and then it's just rough violent sex, and after that it's all – just – violence!”

Izuru swatted the large hand aside. “Don't you bloody yell at me, Rukongai stray! You have no concept of what Ichimaru-taichou and I have!”

“What do you share in common, Izuru?” Renji demanded hotly. “What in the fucking world do you have in common, other than being male and wanting to get into each other's pants?”

“We-” Kira was momentarily robbed of words. “There are, there are things that-”

The red-haired male sighed. “Izuru, don't fool yourself. You and I both know that there is no reason why Ichimaru-taichou would love you.”

Kira sucked in breath and turned away. “He doesn't,” he ground the words out. “He doesn't, and I know it. I am not fooling myself, Renji. I'm not.”

Renji sighed again and grabbed Kira into a hug. The two stood together for a moment. Kira murmured, “Ren, I know he doesn't love me. He's said it. I understand it. But _I_ can't help loving him, don't you see? I love him, and even if it's just scraps of his affection, even if... I don't even care if it's violent sex or anything... I'll take whatever I can get. It's pathetic-”

“-It's not pathetic-”

“It _is_ pathetic, and I'm pathetic, but please, Renji,” the blond's voice was so soft now that Renji could barely hear it, “please stop interfering. Just... just leave me be. Let me take what I can get. I can never, never have all of him. Let me have what I can get.”

“I don't want to see you hurt,” replied Renji. His arm tightened on his slender friend.

Kira sniffed. “That's nice of you.” Then his tone turned somber. “You can turn the other way, Renji. I'm not gonna hold it against you.”

“How can I do that?” asked Renij, holding Kira by his thin shoulders. “You're my best friend, fer cryin' out loud!”

Kira's expression was set and obstinate. “Promise me, Renji, that until I come to you for help, look the other way.”

Renji let go and swiveled away from the blond. “I can't do that! I cannot watch you- I don't know what he's gonng do, and I can't just watch if he is hurting you!”

“I said, look the other way,” Kira insisted. “Look – the – other – way, Abarai Renji. Look at me, now. Look me in the eyes.”

“Forget it, Izuru, I can't make that promise.”

“You will,” said Kira quietly. “I know that I will keep on with Ichimaru-taichou. You know you'll always be concerned. What I need, Renji, is for you to be concerned, but not to get involved.”

Renji snorted. “You might as well as for me to be soutaichou. It's fucking impossible.”

“Who are you to me, Renji? Are you my lover? Are you my boyfriend, my brother, my father?” The slender male bowed his head. “Please, Renji. I need to know that, when I need help, there will be someone.”

“You will always have me,” said Renji. “I am your friend. I'm your friend, and that means I won't look away.” He rubbed his palm over his mouth. “I'll keep watch, Izuru. And the second, the second I find out that he's not treating you right, that you're being abused, I'll help.”

“You can't beat him-”

“- I don't have to,” Renji cut him off. “Reinforcements, Izuru. There are friends out there who love you too, even if you refuse to see anyone other than Ichimaru Gin.”

Kira breathed out slowly. He sank down and buried his face in his hands. “I give up. I give up, Ren. I give up.”

His friend hunkered down and laid a hand on Kira's pale blond head. “Please. Izuru, don't give up.”

“I give up on me, I give up on you, I give up on this.” Kira started chuckling, but it was laughter borne of despair. “I give up. Do what the fuck you want, Renji, I just... I just want to be with him.”

The two young men sat silent on the floor.

 


	29. 29.

Kira waited outside the office of the Dean of Admissions and Enrollment. They had just informed him that he was to come for an appointment, one which Kira hadn't asked for, and now the blond was shaking slightly with nerves.

“The Dean will see you now,” said the secretary.

Kira gulped and stood up. He wished his knees wouldn't wobble, that his hands weren't this clammy, and that the Dean had turned up the temperature. It was autumn, for goodness' sakes, and the Academy could certainly afford the heating bills.

The dean barely glanced up when Kira knocked and entered. She tidied up the last of her papers and set it aside before sitting back and asking the student to take his seat before her desk.

 _Nice seashells,_ Kira thought absently.

The dean tilted her head and regarded Kira carefully. It was a long and uncomfortable moment before she spoke. “I heard from Unohana-taichou and Ichimaru-taichou that you have attained shikai. Did you bring your zanpakuto?”

“N-no ma'am.”

“Hmm. What is its name?”

Kira swallowed. “He calls himself Wabisuke.”

The dean's stern blue eyes narrowed. “The Penitent One? You carry some burden in you, Kira-san. Whose guilt are you bearing?”

Kira said nothing.

“In any case, that is not pertinent to why I asked you here for a meeting, Kira-san,” said the dean with a brief and unexpected smile. Though she was graying at the temples, there was still an air of youthful vitality that crackled about her. “After hearing that you have shikai, and that you are consistently in the top percentile of the cohort, I think it is time you graduate into the ranks of shinigami.”

Stunned by the news, Kira blinked rapidly as he processed the message. Finally he uttered, “D-do you mean... I-I can leave the Academy and be an actual shinigami?”

“Yes, I mean that.” The dean tilted her head the other way. “Now. The main purpose of this appointment is to let you know that I'm processing your graduation to the ranks. However, I need to know which division you wish to apply to.”

“I thought all graduating students will be assigned to their divisions by the fifth division.” Now that he knew it was not for expelling him, Kira regained some confidence and steadiness.

The dean raised an eyebrow. “I would suppose you haven't had access to that information. Aizen-taichou is temporarily... unable... to take on such duties, so I will do the job for him for the moment. Just to let you know, Aizen-taichou himself requested for you to join the fifth division, as did the third division under Ichimaru-taichou.”

“Um...” Kira bit his lower lip. It was flattering to be asked by Aizen-taichou himself, but Kira knew he wanted to be in the third. Yet Gin had asked him to go to the fourth first...

“If I wanted to learn more about healing, do I _have_ to go to the fourth division?”

The dean chuckled. “Don't underestimate the fourth division, Kira-san. They can be nasty when provoked. However, I would recommend that you choose the fifth division to work with a more experienced captain first, while taking on healing courses periodically held by the fourth division , and then climb your way up to where you want to go.”

Suddenly shy, Kira bowed his head and fiddled with his fingers. “I don't know about climbing the career ladder...”

“If you can get shikai just by yourself without a guide,” the dean interjected gently, “you're not going to stay an unranked shinigami for long. Though the fifth division's headcount has been reduced somewhat of late, I think Aizen-taichou would be glad to have you. After you've gained some experience under your belt, move on to whichever division you desire. That is my advice.”

Kira nibbled his upper lip again. Though Gin might be upset, but the dean knew what she was talking about. Kira nodded and smiled at the severe lady sitting opposite him. “I will take your advice, ma'am. Thank you for seeing me.”

The dean waved off the thanks. “I'll get the paperwork processed as quickly as I can, and then you will be officially informed of your posting. Good day to you.”

“Good day to you too, ma'am.”

xxxxx

“You accepted her suggestion.” That was a statement, not a question, and Kira didn't dare to look up for fear of the expression on Gin's face.

They were having tea together at the captain's favorite dessert store, a large street just off the Gotei offices. Ichimaru-taichou had ordered pomelo and mango pudding, something the store's owner had brought in from Hong Kong, and Kira was (until that moment) enjoying sweet red bean soup.

“She sounded... um, her suggestion was quite logical and I-I thought...”

“I asked you to go to the fourth, Izuru,” said Gin softly.

Kira peeked at the pale man's face. Gin didn't sound angry or irritated, but there was a wistful note of disappointment. The blond ducked his head again, his fingers locked tightly.

Gin sighed and slid an envelope across the rough wooden table. Kira took it after another glance at the older male, seeking permission and receiving it, and then he fiddled with the envelope wondering if he ought to open it there and then.

“It's a letter for private perusal, Izuru,” Gin remarked. His slender fingers drummed a slow beat on the table. “I, uh, thought it'd be nice. Still, I wish you had followed my instructions.”

“Well, it is Aizen-taichou and, and we've both worked for him before, so I thought...” Kira's voice grew small “I thought you wouldn't mind.”

“Why should I mind? Like you said, he was my captain,” Gin concurred. Yet his facial expression showed anything but indifference.

Kira bit his lower lip and gingerly reached over to touch the captain's restless hand. “Ichimaru-taichou, why don't you want me to go to the fifth?”

Gin stood up abruptly, his coat swishing. His smile was unreadable. “Let's walk, Izuru.”

The younger male followed Gin as the captain led the way towards the office buildings. As they strolled, Gin's pace slowed to a crawl.

“Once upon a time there was a young student who was insecure in his abilities,” Gin began. Kira frowned slightly but did not interrupt. The silver-haired shinigami's lilt deepened, almost mockingly, and silence wrapped about them as Gin spoke. “He thought that if he wanted to become somebody powerful, someone who can protect his dearest friend, he had to find a backer. Someone whose abilities can help hone his own.”

A pair of shinigami coming off work bowed as they walked past, and tittered to each other on seeing Kira trailing after the captain of the third division. Gin paid them no heed.

“The student – let's call him Yuki, shall we? - Yuki found a lieutenant whom he thought would be perfect. This lieutenant was respected and well-liked by almost everyone. Yuki thought that this lieutenant would be easy to manipulate, and so found a way to seduce the lieutenant.”

Kira grew uncomfortable; this was surely Gin and Aizen-taichou's own story.

Gin laughed softly to himself as he passed the fifth division offices. “Yet Yuki didn't expect to fall in love with that lieutenant who later became captain. Yuki fell so hard, he crashed. He betrayed his best friend whom he married – the same best friend he had wanted to protect – for the captain. Happily, he followed the captain, believing himself to be the happiest of shinigami. He was successful, for he had become lieutenant to the man he loved; he was treasured, for the captain spent practically every day with him; he was accomplished, for their division was one of the best-run in all of Gotei. There was nothing Yuki's captain and lover denied him; Yuki always received what he wanted.”

“Ichimaru-taichou, maybe-”

“Yet one day Yuki discovered his bankai,” said Gin, ignoring Kira's interruption, “which meant that he had a chance to take on the role and responsibilities of a captain. He passed, of course; he had always been precocious, and his lover was a good teacher. So Yuki became a captain. However, an archaic law set in place by another man, a coward who dared not face his heart, meant that Yuki had to be separated from his lover. So Yuki stepped aside.”

“In his heart Yuki believed that he was loved, the way he loved the captain. However, one fine day, he realized that he was but one in a succession of lovers. Less than a year after Yuki became captain and they broke off their romantic relationship, that captain found another stray to love and take care of, the way he had cared for and loved Yuki.”

The younger blond man looked down at the pavement, watching the swing and fall of Gin's captain's coat. He knew that Hisagi's current involvement with Aizen-taichou must have hurt Gin; he never imagined how much.

“And so,” Gin's tone became so light and dismissive, it was almost hypnotic, “Yuki turned elsewhere to seek someone who would adore him the way Yuki adored that captain. Maybe, Yuki thought, maybe he could show his captain how to love someone who came to him. Maybe he could take revenge of a sort on the man who led him to believe he was the only one. Or maybe he just needed to find solace. Whatever it is... Yuki has yet to find it.”

Kira hurried forward and took Gin's elbow timidly. “Gin-san, I-I'm sorry. I-I-I didn't think that... I can ask the dean to change the papers?”

“It's already too late.” Gin's gaze met Kira's blue eyes. The smile on the captain's face was fixed and cold. “You'll be reporting to his offices very soon. I'm sure you'll learn a lot. Ah, here we are at my place. How convenient. You can just leave me here, Kira-san. We'll meet again-”

“I'd like to come in, if I may,” blurted Kira. He could not leave Gin in this mood.

Gin turned to push his gate open. Before Kira stepped forward, he put a hand on Kira's arm. “If you enter, Izuru, I will open myself fully to you.”

Startled by the declaration, Kira stared at the captain. Slowly Gin released his hand. Kira hesitated a moment longer, and strode forward with his head held high.

The pale captain smiled tenderly at Kira's back and shut the gate before opening the door to his own house.

xxxxx

The interior was slightly different from the time Kira helped the captain home from his drinking binge and ended up sleeping with a very drunk and aggressive Gin. The windows were entirely shut now, and the futon had been changed to a larger one. An elaborate kimono was hung behind the futon as decoration; Kira recognized the pattern as the one Aizen-taichou had asked him to deliver to Gin.

The silver-haired man motioned for Kira to sit down at the low table. “You asked me why I don't want you to go to the fifth.”

“Yes,” replied the younger male shyly. “But I sort of understand. It's... you're concerned that I wouldn't want to come to you after I work for him, is that it?”

“Smart boy. You're almost correct.” Gin shrugged out of his coat and hung it over a stand near Shinsou. “Aizen-taichou is like a flame to those who are lost. We seek him out: for warmth, for guidance, for comfort. And like a flame, he radiates all those qualities. Izuru, you have the same sense of... being lost... as I did. You know you don't really belong, that something about you is separate from others.”

Kira sat silent. It had hit home, that bit about feeling separate from others. He wasn't like any of his friends: they were cheerful and normal and gregarious; he kept to himself more these days and yearned for... for more.

Gin walked noiselessly to sit behind Kira. His thin, cold hands touched the exposed part of the blond's neck, causing Kira to jerk at the unexpected contact. Gin's voice was almost a whispering lullaby. As he talked, his fingers stroked along the top of Kira's spine, sending little shivers of excited anticipation traveling downwards.

“I think you had a kind of darkness in you,” said Gin. Fingertips pushed up into the hairs at the nape and Kira bit on the tip of his tongue to keep from moaning. “It's a darkness you've been hiding. Hiding, for a very long time. And it's emerged as your zanpakuto now, Izuru. This darkness you've tried so hard to hide has forced its way out as your weapon.”

“I-I didn't try to-”

“Don't lie to me now, Izuru,” crooned the captain. He sat closer, his long slender legs on either side of the younger male. Kira could sense cool breath on his neck and at his ear. “I don't like being lied to.”

Kira shivered when Gin's free hand slipped around his waist and dropped in the cradle of his lap. Those clever fingers played with Kira's bare ankle, just above the socks, perilously close to Kira's growing arousal.

“Why are you guilty, Kira Izuru? What have you been hiding all your life?” breathed the older man. His tonger flicked the outer shell of Kira's ear and this time Kira released a pleading whine. “Tell me, Izuru. Be open to me.”

“I can't say, I mustn't.” Kira trembled. Gin's hands never stopped their sensual tracing of his skin and he felt strangely hot. “I... I've never told anyone...”

“Tell me now.”

Kira's shaking hands were caught in Gin's grip. The blond bowed his face and turned away from Gin, trying to get out of the captain's forceful embrace. “You'll hate me, you'll look down on me... you'll think I'm disgusting-”

“I promise I won't, Izuru, darling. Talk to me.”

The pale young man was almost hysterical now. “I mustn't, I mustn't. What would you think of me?”

He thrashed about in Gin's grip and the older male wrestled Kira to the tatami. Tears were streaking Kira's pale, shocked face. The silver-haired shinigami stroked stray blond hair from Kira's face and kissed his mouth tenderly, insistently until Kira was kissing him back, his hands moving to hold Gin closer. When Kira had calmed down a little, Gin rolled them over so that the younger male was lying in his arms.

Gin nuzzled Kira's brow. “Do you trust me?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Then talk to me. I promise there is nothing you say that can disgust me, Izuru. I've seen and done a lot more.”

Kira made up his mind. Dredging the depths of his memory, Kira snuggled close and held on tightly to the older man, hoping to be reassured by the feel of the slender and strong person beside him.

“I saw-” The blond's voice was very scared, and his breath hitched erratically, “I saw m-my father... I saw him, with-with another... another person. Another man. And they were, they were... My parents were very loving, and I never told my mother about this. I was... I was s-scared of how she might react and, and I didn't want to lose them...”

Gin kissed the back of Kira's pink ear. “Was this person someone you knew?”

“He was... he was my neighbor,” confessed Kira brokenly. “And when father p-paid more attention to him, I thought – I thought I wasn't... a good son... I thought I had to be better. So I did my best, and tried to be a-a good son, and excel...”

“Your parents praised you often then?” asked Gin when Kira faltered.

“Yes.” The smile was genuine if fleeting. “But I started to-to resent my father... f-for... and I began to look at my neighbor differently. He was dark-haired and really handsome, strong, and I wanted – I wanted... So once, when my parents were away to my aunt's place I went to my neighbor's house to confess that I-I liked him and... and he-he was... we made love. And I thought that, that I'd won, that I was better than father...”

Gin said nothing, but his kisses on Kira's forehead assured the younger man that the captain was listening.

“M-my father saw us one day... that time he came home early and, and my neighbor was still – we were still, um... My father never, never said anything but after that night he stopped going to meet my neighbor and he, he was still very good to me. He was always good to me, and mother n-never suspected a thing... but before I could, before I could apologize, my p-parents...”

“They passed away,” Gin supplied.

Kira nodded and sniffed. “I stopped-stopped meeting my neighbor and I went to, I went to my aunt's place and I never... she hated me, she said I was the reason why, why my father and mother died... that I was a jinx a-and a disgrace... if she knew how I betrayed my father and, and oh gods my mother would've been so ashamed...”

“They loved you, Izuru,” said Gin, his voice distant. The slim youth buried his face in his hands. “No matter what you did, they loved you. I don't think that would have changed anything between you and your parents even if you told them you were in a relationship with your neighbor.”

“But I robbed my father's lover from him and if I didn't he could've hurt my mother but he was so nice to me about it and, and... I never got to clear the air with them...”

Gin hushed the young blond. “It's all right, Izuru, darling. It's all over. It's all over. You're living a new life now, aren't you?”

Kira sniffed, his eyes wide and tearful. “It's the same again, it's the same again. You're... you are so perfect and, and I know that Aizen-taichou will be so nice to me, he'll be nice and considerate and,and I won't be able to look him in the eye when he – and I can't talk to him about, about... I love you, and I know you still love him, but we're here, and we're together, and he'll be aware and not say a thing about it and I'll just – I have to be his subordinate and he'll be so _kind_ -”

“Shh, shh. It's okay, it's okay,” Gin soothed the increasingly-frantic Kira. “It's all right, Izuru, darling. We're together because I'm very fond of you, and you're fond of me. Aizen Sousuke has nothing to do with this. You have no reason to feel guilty about being with me, darling Izuru. I'm the one with ties to Aizen-taichou, not you. You are not bound to be tactful of his feelings.”

Kira opened his mouth to protest that statement but the captain silenced him with yet another kiss, a passionate one this time. Gin's fingers wove into the hairs at the base of Kira's skull and scraped over his scalp. Kira moaned into the kiss, his tongue submitting to Gin's exploration. When Gin pulled away, Kira was panting slightly, his hair mussed and his gaze dreamy.

“Stay here tonight,” urged the pale-skinned captain. He ground his hips against the younger male's and both sighed with want and longing. “Stay here, and comfort me.”

“It's not... I don't know, Gin-san,” replied Kira breathlessly.

“I want you here,” said Gin, his green-blue gaze almost swallowed by darkened desire. “Stay here tonight.”

The youth wet his lips, though his quick breaths dried them out quickly. He nodded and clung to the bony shoulders above him as they rocked together, trying to find some measure to ease the tension before they snapped.

Gin yanked Kira to his feet and dragged the younger male to the futon, already laid out. He undid the belt of Kira's uniform and pulled off the white shirt, before he shucked off his own and tore off his socks. With them both nude in the crisp autumn evening air, Kira was soon aware how very vulnerable they were to each other.

“You know,” said Gin conversationally as he approached, “I've never really seen you fully naked.” His smile was a touch mischievous. “And I wonder what took me so damn long to find time to admire this body.”

Kira wasn't about to just take the teasing without some rejoinder. “Since all our encounters were hurried and in semi-darkness, I suppose you had some difficulty remembering what I looked like. I do remember your nude body though, Ichimaru-taichou... from that time in the bathhouse.”

“Oh really? From that long ago?” Gin's cool hands touched Kira's hips and slid them around to cup bare, rounded flesh. Kira sighed and gasped when Gin squeezed lightly. “But I remember how these feel... and how you taste, young man.” Gin's tongue swirled its sensuous way into Kira's ear, making his writhe in Gin's hold. “Like innocence and seduction and water.”

Kira clung weakly to the older male as they sank to the futon. Gin pressed kisses all down Kira's body and down to a flat belly. His slim hands found Kira's arousal straining for his attention and he held it in his hands, brushing his lips over it.

“Gin-san, please don't- ah!” The wanton exclamation derailed Kira's half-hearted protestations. He covered his mouth, surprised by his own voice. Gin's mouth was wet and hot, his tongue deliciously skilled. His left hand held the base steady while his right had disappeared behind Kira's balls, firmly pulsing pressure against that soft patch of skin. The younger man had drawn up his knees and parted them to allow greater access to the captain, one of his own hands stroking Gin's head unconsciously while the other was plucking at his own nipples.

Ripples of pleasure surged through Kira while Gin worked his erection. The older male slurped and laved open-mouthed kisses all over Kira, edging his pleasure higher, until the blond was about to peak when Gin shifted Kira's hips downwards. Kira was surprised when he was dragged partially down the futon but he understood when Gin ran his hands up the backs of Kira's legs, until the slender ankles were resting behind Gin's shoulders. Gin carefully inserted his lubricated fingers into Kira and scissored to stretch the opening, before he pushed himself into the blond with a grunt.

“I know you said you liked the pain,” Gin drawled huskily, his breathing heavy, “but let's leave that for another day, hmm? I just want to feel you screaming with pleasure for me tonight.”

“Screaming?” echoed Kira, slightly giddy.

Gin flared reiatsu from his fingertips and skated his fingers over Kira's nipples. Kira cried out, sensing icy chills running over his sensitized skin. Gin grinned at his partner's reaction and focused another flare of reiatsu in his other hand, then repeated the gesture. This right hand was hot, like flame, but left no searing aftershock. Kira cried out again, his hands flying to the sheets about his head to keep from arching off the bed. Then, with each digit running over the dripping head and down the shaft, Gin stroked Kira repeatedly, smearing his pre-come all over his arousal.

Then the older male bent over Kira, thrusting forcefully while his hands with the hot and icy reiatsu pumped the blond's cock until the younger male was unable to do more than react instinctively. Kira shrieked as his arousal was tunneled and Gin's left hand reached up to pinch his nipples. The ice-cold shock on his peaked nipples with the hot, slick hand and the incredible feel of Gin pounding into him shoved Kira over the edge and dragged it into a tense and taut climax, his seed pearling over his belly.

As he started to fade from the high he felt Gin's hot ejaculation in him and he tightened his ass as much as he could. Gin's body was bowed into him, his pelvis rigidly pushing forward, his hair a slipped halo. When Gin slowly recovered and then pulled out of Kira, the two of them stared blankly at each other for a bit.

“I wanna learn that,” panted Kira, referring to Gin's hands which had reverted to normal. “That was... that was awesome.”

“I just didn't want to get wax and ice... we'll use the real deal another time,” Gin said with a breathless chuckle. “You liked that?”

“Oh yeah. I like that a lot.”

Gin laughed and sat back on his heels to catch his breath before he leaned down to lap up Kira's sticky abdomen. “We'll have more of that in the future then.”

“Mmm... that's great...” Kira's cock stirred as Gin's sinful tongue cleaned him up. When he met the older man's gaze, he knew that it would be a long, sleepless night.

Well, he had no trouble with that.

 


	30. 30.

If it were not for the previous internship, Kira might have had difficulty adjusting to the pace at the Fifth division. As it was, Aizen-taichou had decided that Kira would be put into the liaison team with the Fourth Division.

Kira felt the change in the division as soon as he stepped into the office. It was smaller, the orderly chaos of the Inter-Society correspondence division completely eliminated. Kira had heard about the tragedy of the multiple Senkaimon collapse, which led to the deaths of dozens of Society leaders around the world. It was already marked as one of the most horrific incidents in the history of Soul Society.

Aizen-taichou himself did not appear different though. He was still as attentive and serious whenever Kira had occasion to pass by the captain's office. Mesuda-fukutaichou on the other hand was increasingly irritable, and often commented about 'jumping ship' to third-seat Yanaihara. Kira kept his observations to himself, but he was aware of the shift in attitude: Aizen Sousuke was no longer a favored captain among the Gotei.

Still Kira worked hard for the captain. In theiir interview, Kira had indicated his desire to learn more from the healers, and Aizen-taichou had acceded to that desire.

xxxxx

“I will be away for the coming week,” Gin informed Kira one weekend evening.

Kira rolled over to face the silver-haired shinigami. “Where will you be going, Gin-san?”

“It's time for the captain's retreat, remember?” Gin kissed the blond on the tip of his nose. “Last year they made do with a short weekend over at a seaside resort, but this year it's a larger event. Yamamoto-soutaichou wishes for us to map out a ten-year plan for our divisions.”

Nuzzling deeper into Gin's lap, Kira sighed with some regret. “I'll miss you.”

Gin stroked fine golden hair from Kira's fair face, his fingers dusting the younger male's cheek. “You've become very honest with me, Izuru.”

Kira blinked and braced himself on his elbow. “You don't like that, Gin-san? Am I too familiar? Should I be more, um... more respectful or-”

“It's all good, Izuru.” Gin kissed Kira on the mouth, lazily tasting the blond's soft lips. “I like that you feel so comfortable with me. It makes me feel... responsible for you. Protective of you.”

“Really?” asked Kira softly, his heart humming with contentment. “Protective?”

“Mm-hmm,” crooned the captain, his arms sliding about the slender young shinigami. “Like you're all mine. That's a good feeling.”

“I'm not sure that's called protectiveness, Gin-san...” began Kira, but the older male was pressing kisses down his neck again and words fled Kira's mind.

xxxxx

“I'll be away on the captain's retreat,” said Aizen. “It's for one week.”

Hisagi paused in the process of parrying Aizen's sword thrust. He then circled his blade and knocked away the wooden sword that the captain was using. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Shouldn't I?” asked the dark-haired captain, head tilted.

“You were the one who told me it is nothing more than pleasurable company, Aizen-taichou,” said Hisagi with a small smirk. “Am I to believe otherwise now?”

“No. I just thought it a good thing for you to know.” Aizen smiled. “I enjoy your company too, Shuuhei.”

“So,” Hisagi drawled, shrugging his shoulders, “shall we adjourn this tedious sparring session and, uh, enjoy each other's company?”

Aizen laughed, a low chuckle that sounded rich in promises. He put away the wooden sword and held out a hand. “Certainly.”

xxxxx

There were times Kira wished he could read Gin's mind. Now was one of it. The blond rolled over onto his right and saw Gin sitting at the window, chin in hand, peering out at an apparently moonless night. Kira peered at the little timepiece at the side of the bed – it was near four in the morning.

“A storm is coming,” said the captain quietly. He had not moved at all, and Kira was not sure how Gin knew he was awake. The pale, older man sniffed the air delicately. “I can smell the impending rain.”

Kira sat up, tugging the sheets about himself. He had been cleaned, he noted absently, the patches of stickiness having been wiped away without his awareness. The blond young shinigami sat huddled in the blankets, unsure if he should join Gin at the window.

“I used to hate thunderstorms,” said Gin, finally regarding his young lover. There was a soft, regretful smile on his thin face. “It was always so cold.”

“Was it hard to get warm, where you came from, Gin-san?” asked Kira timidly.

Gin shrugged. “Warmth was what you made of it. I had Rangiku and Rangiku had me, and I found ways of getting extra blankets and food so that she would never have to.”

“Y-you mean...”

“Yeah, I had to sell myself now and then.”

The matter-of-fact tone hurt Kira more than if Gin had been bitter about it. Though he had heard some tales from Shuuhei, Kira never once connected Gin with the despicable dealings made in the outer reaches of Soul Society. Abruptly he found himself hating the faceless 'patrons' of the white-skinned captain and wanted to hunt them down.

He wrapped up more firmly and walked to the older male. Gin motioned for Kira to settle down next to him.

The captain was in a contemplative frame of mind. “Even till now, I have no liking for storms.”

Lightning suddenly slashed across the black, and thunder crashed a second later. Gin's embrace tightened. His voice was still low though.

“Aizen-taichou used to keep me in his embrace, tucked in under his chin as the storms howled outside,” mused Gin, not really paying attention to the surroundings. “His warmth would just... wrap about me. Like a blanket. Warm, and safe, and hidden from prying eyes. A blanket.”

The younger male swallowed and shifted in the sheets. The slight movement caught Gin's attention. The captain unfolded from the window. “Are you cold?”

Not trusting his voice and composure, Kira nodded tentatively. The older male smiled and moved silently, shedding his robe as he walked. As he slipped in next to Kira, a frisson of desire shot through the blond where skin met skin.

“Gin,” Kira murmured; he had been sternly taught not to use the honorific when they were in bed together, “Gin, will you be spending a lot of time with... with Aizen-taichou?”

“If only,” chuckled Gin, lips seeking out the pulse point below Kira's left ear. “No, I'm rooming with Ukitake-taichou. I might be killed by Kyoraku-taichou though, but he's sharing the villa with Aizen-san.”

The longing was obvious despite the light tone. Kira's heart twisted with envy, but he kept the emotion hidden from his face. He burrowed closer to the older man and tried to focus on the soft heat trapped in between their bodies.

As Gin pressed up close to Kira, their mouths meeting languidly as thunder rolled outside in deafening choruses, the slender blond could feel a detachment in Gin's attitude, far different from the hunger in their earlier coupling. With an iron will he shut the hurt from Gin's attitude away and responded to the kisses with fervor, desperately attempting to drown out that inner mad and wild laughter jeering at his incompetence and loneliness.

xxxxx

It had been some time since he visited Renji and Hinamori, so they made him pay for it with his first paycheck. Renji indulged in red bean pancakes and the girl bought a kite for someone she referred to as “Shiro-kun”.

“So, how's it like being an actual shinigami?” asked Renji around a mouthful of sweet pastry.

Kira shrugged. “Pretty much like our internship. But with a lot more paperwork, apparently.”

“Are you seated yet?” Hinamori pressed, eyes bright with curiosity.

“Do I look like Hisagi?” Kira joked. He shook his fair head. “Nope. Aizen-taichou said I ought to get more experience before he'll consider promoting me. Gin-san said that taichou would probably wait for at least a year or so before he'll put me into the first twenty – scholars often are hazed if they climb the ranks too fast.”

Hinamori nodded with understanding and then smirked. “Didja know, Renji-kun was asked by the Eleventh Division to join?”

“Eleventh? They don't do recruitment often, do they?”

They stopped at a small shop selling coin bags. Kira and Hinamori started poking about the small pouches that were delicately embroidered with gold and silver thread. The blond shinigami prodded Renji again. “Come on, tell me. They saw you at combat drill?”

Renji was pink with pride. “Nah, they were just asking after I kicked Takahashi's arse outside the cafeteria.”

“Why?” inquired Kira while he picked out a blue pouch with silver embroidery for Gin. “What did he do?”

The redhead snorted. “He called me a useless and impotent Rukongai stray.”

“That's harsh,” agreed Kira.

“I was okay with the Rukongai and the stray bits, but useless and impotent?” Renji made a rude noise again. “Showed him what's what. Then one of the eleventh's shinigami who was there said I ought to join them.”

“Because you look and behave like a thug,” added Hinamori cheekily. Renji swatted at her and she ducked away. “But you do! Well, at least you're much more handsome than they are at the Eleventh Division,” she concluded charitably.

“Gee, thanks.” Renji was not offended. The comment was true though; there was only one good-looking man in the Eleventh. Yanaihara had said that all the looks were concentrated in Ayasegawa-san, and then he had added under his breath that so was all the vanity.

Kira laughed. “At least she has her eyes open to other possibilities, Renji. I had begun to think she sees no one else but Aizen-taichou.”

“I do not,” protested the dark-haired girl, but her cheeks flamed rosy pink. “Oh, look! Apricots! I want to get some.”

She traipsed off first, leaving the blond with Renji. The taller youth scrubbed at the back of his head. “Hey, Izuru. How are things with, uh, Ichimaru-taichou?”

Kira knew what his friend really was asking. “We're fine, Renji. I stay over at his place on the weekends only. And he's sweet, takes care of me.”

“You telling the truth, Kira Izuru?” asked Renji softly, his amber eyes meeting his friend's.

Kira made a gesture. “I am.”

xxxxx

 _I am not_ , said Wabisuke, _a toy you can put away or take out as and when you want._

The spirit that inhabited Kira's sword was in an arrogant mood. Kira sighed. It was hard to converse with someone who alternated among four modes: depressed, insane, rambling and conceited. Sometimes, to jazz things up, Wabisuke took up two or more mentalities at the same time.

The idea of evening meditation had been Gin's instructions for Kira when he left for his captains' retreat. It was supposed to help Kira become more attuned to Wabisuke and develop his skills, but all it was doing was giving Kira a huge headache. Add to that the discomfort of being the sole breathing person in Gin's rooms, and the blond shinigami was not feeling at his best.

Suddenly there was a patter of footsteps... over the roof? And a thump in the backyard? Though it wasn't dark outside yet, it was unusual for anyone to venture near Gin's abode. Kira shook himself free from the last grogginess of his meditation and put away his sword.

“Hey! Come back here!” That sounded rather irate. Kira opened his eyes and slid open one window. That voice came from the roof.

“Hahahaha! Green-ball-head!” That blur of pink had to be the lieutenant of the Eleventh division, and it was racing off to the distance.

“Ikkaku, haven't you caught up with her yet?” This person sounded bored, but at least it was outside the walls.

A large bulk landed on the porch directly outside. Kira shrank back, afraid to be caught by anyone else – even if he did have written permission from Gin to sleep in his house. The shadow turned out to be Madarame Ikkaku, the third seat serving under the fearsome Zaraki-taichou. Kira remembered having bumped into Madarame once, that time when he had been close to a tearful wreck, and it had been Ayasegawa who allowed him to leave with his composure intact.

The bald man had a feral grace about him, and in the dusk the sweeps of scarlet at the edges of his eyes added a fierce beauty to the man. Though the third seat could not be considered conventionally attractive, Kira supposed there was a certain charisma that Madarame had. Even with the splatter of lime-green pain over his bald pate, the man was very, very masculine.

Kira blushed when his mind strayed to thoughts of touching the muscles that were displayed before him. Madarame had chosen to forgo his kimono top and the gleam on his skin was startlingly alluring. The blond young shinigami scolded himself mentally for even admiring.

A soft thump indicated another person landing beside the muscular shinigami. It was Ayasegawa. The elegant and graceful man flicked his hair from his cheeks with an irritated sigh.

“You just had to keep him entertained for ten minutes while I bathed. Why did you lose her?” asked the slender man. Ayasegawa folded his arms. “When taichou comes home, I'm telling.”

Madarame looked affronted. “Excuse me? I didn't lose her, that brat just scrambled after a pink kite some moron was flying. How was I to know she'd pour paint over my head and race off to pick up the kite?”

Ayasegawa appeared ready to argue further, but his expression softened. “Why are we fighting?” he asked.

“Were we?” said Madarame. He grinned. “We're just talkin', aren't we?”

“Yeah.” Ayasegawa touched Madarame's cheek in a manner that indicated very clearly to Kira that the two belonged together. The caress turned to a pinch and Ayasegawa smiled. “You better hope I can find her before she raids Ukitake-taichou's candy stash.”

“We should head there now then,” said Madarame, rubbing at the sore spot made by his lover. The two men flash-stepped out of sight.

Kira settled back against the door. There was an ache about his throat and he knew it was not physical. He yearned to have that sort of common, everyday tenderness; to share a bond so deep that every little thing done was full of love. He wished he could touch Gin the way Ayasegawa just caressed Madarame, and have that loving and gentle gaze looking at him out of green-blue eyes.

He wished, with all his heart, and then he closed his eyes. It was a dream, nothing more than a dream, and a dream that would never die.

 _You picked him_ , Wabisuke observed sadly. _I watched when you gave your heart to him._

Faiintly touched by his sword's concern, Kira smiled. “Was I that obvious?”

Wabisuke shimmered in and out of Kira's thoughts. _You were in pain. The God is one who can bear that pain, bring it away._

“And yet I still hurt, Wabisuke,” whispered the pale young shinigami.

_It never ends. Pain is eternal, guilt is endless, regret is nothing. You draw strength through pain, through guilt, but never through regret._

“I don't understand.”

 _It'll surprise me if you did._ The sword had turned condescending again. _If you can't even identify the bricks, how can you tear down the wall?_

Kira breathed out slowly and felt the longing ease. Perhaps Wabisuke meant for him to understand himself better? Some self-reflection was in order then.

“Everything dies,” he muttered, staring at the mirror set on the wall to his right, “but a dead man's reputation.”

_That's right._

“And how he behaves right at the moment of death... forms the last part of his reputation.” Kira focused his concentration on the shiny mirror and the wall it reflected.

Wabisuke pretended to applaud, its tone sardonic now. _Not too stupid, aren't we?_

The pale blond got to his feet and started walking to the mirror. He vocalized his thoughts under his breath, barely aware of his own movements. “Pain...to experience pain... the feeling of pain weakens people's wills. But pain in the past... drives them forward, to overcome that memory of pain. It is therefore not pain but... a fear.”

He halted before the mirror, not looking at himself but at Wabisuke reflected in his large blue eyes.

“You bring the fear of pain.”

_I do._

“But...guilt? Why guilt?” Kira reached up with his fingers and brushed the ice-slick surface of glass. “Guilt doesn't give strength, it... it weakens resolve. It gives... doubt. And doubt is... fear, fear of the self. Fear that I don't... that I don't have the answers, that what I do is wrong.”

 _And thus the sword of war is blunted, the fire that drives hatred is damped. I am Wabisuke, the Penitent One, and I bear all the guilt of the world._ Low laughter cycled into the higher registers as Kira tried to understand the logic of his own subconscious. The laughter dragged into a ragged sigh and then a mournful plea. _I bear all the guilt of the world, if only to see it end._

“You cannot end it,” said Kira, shutting his eyes. “Everyone bears their burdens within their hearts and their minds. You cannot end it.”

 _But_ , Wabisuke hissed _, I can end them._

The malice within that statement shocked Kira out of his reverie and he stumbled back from the mirror. It was not his own spirit, it could _not_ be a part of him that actually thought like that. All the instructors had said that zanpakuto were basically a portion of their souls that was completely individual, and usually revealed the most important belief a shinigami held.

Kira didn't consider himself to be a vicious person, nor was he one to want an end to the world. He liked the potentials of tomorrow, he enjoyed the newness of experiences, he wanted to see what the future would hold. And yet, here was Wabisuke, longing to... to cease all existence. Dying to kill, just to stop the pain.

It was... it was in utter despair. His zanpakuto hated the world, and it manifested itself as a tool to end it.

Kira felt sick. He would have to stop conversing with his sword until he knew what he was really looking for. Maybe it would be a wiser move to wait until Gin was home, and then he could get some advice.

 


	31. 31.

Once the shock of his sword's malice wore off somewhat, Kira retreated to the Fifth division barracks before full dark. To his surprise there were many officers out in the streets and no regular patrols could be seen.

“Hey Kira!”

The blond turned around and found Renji and Hinamori waving at him as they jogged down the path. Kira beamed at seeing his friends.

“Hey,” said Kira. “Aren't you guys supposed to be in the dorms?”

Renji grinned wolfishly. “Haven't you heard? The lieutenants are throwing a party!”

Kira's brow wrinkled in clear confusion. “Well, that's all to the good, but it doesn't answer my question.”

“Renji, this is Kira we're talking about,” scolded Hinamori good-naturedly. She explained, “The lieutenants are partying and there aren't any patrols out tonight. Everyone's intent on having a good time while the captains are away.”

“That's rather different from last year-”

“That's because this year Ise-fukutaichou has been roped in to plan the party,” whispered Hinamori, her pretty eyes shining. “That's what I heard anyway. It's amazing what you can get away with once the responsible people are dragged into the naughtiness.”

“And I guess you guys snuck out of the academy for some naughtiness too?”

Renji laughed and dropped his muscular arm over Kira's shoulders. “You ain't getting off clean tonight, Kira Izuru – when everyone's out to party, you can't be the goody-two-shoes!”

Privately Kira thought it rather reckless of everybody to just drop their guard, but he realized that no matter what the gate guardians would be at their duty. In addition, he could not see the Onmitsukido being anything less than vigilant. Perhaps, on one night out of so many nights, it was okay to just relax and forget that they were soldiers.

“I know that look,” announced Hinamori. “He's thinking again.”

“Oh we can't have that.” Renji picked the blond shinigami up and tossed a startled Kira over his shoulder. “To the bar we go!”

xxxxx

It was already packed by the time Renji shoved his way in with Kira over a shoulder. Hinamori trailed behind the two young males, waving hellos and chatting with some other girls from the academy. She was pulled over by a couple of classmates and Kira saw her being introduced to a shy and stocky young man. Before he could mention this to Renji, the redhead planted him down at a table. Kira smacked Renji's bicep hard when he finally got his bearings. It was so ridiculous and silly being carted off like that. However, looking around, he saw that no one noticed his ignominious entrance. They were too busy playing drinking games, telling drinking stories and generally just drinking as much as they could. Renji ignored his punch and headed to the barkeeper, leaving Kira alone.

Rolling his eyes, Kira pushed away from the table. He would much prefer to rest in his own bed than be here

“Hello there,” a husky voice interrupted Kira's escape. A dark-haired shinigami, half a head taller than Kira and sporting a ponytail smiled lopsidedly at him. Kira glanced about; Renji and Hinamori were swallowed by the crowd...

“My, but you're an oddly pretty one,” the stranger added. “I'd think that with those mournful eyes you'd be less attractive but... there's something about you. I'd like to find out more...” The taller male leaned in with a slight leer.

Kira leaned way back. “Thanks for the interest, but I've no intention of letting you find out more. Excuse me.”

As he maneuvered his way past the taller male, he was grabbed by the forearm. Kira snatched his arm back. “Hey! Keep your hands to yourself.”

“What are you, playing hard to get?” snarled the stranger.

Kira's nostrils flared at the waft of alcohol. Evidently this man had been indulging for some time. He ignored the stranger and entered the crowd, swimming through it until he found Hinamori. The girl had a frothy concoction in her hand which had – of all things – a paper umbrella. It had to be some human world influence, decided Kira, and he said to Hinamori that he was leaving.

“So soon? You just got here!”

“I'm not feeling well actually, and Renji's shouldering me about didn't help. I'm heading back,” answered Kira.

Hinamori made a sympathetic face but didn't try to stop him. Kira found his way to the exit and strode quickly away from the happy-hour-gone-ecstatic bar. The cool evening had darkened to night already and the blond shinigami hurried towards the fifth division.

“There he is.”

Silent as the street was, the whisper was clear enough. Kira paused.

“Come on out,” he ordered, his right hand forming seals for defense.

No one emerged. Kira frowned and cast his reiatsu around him. Just as he was about to change from defense to attack, three drops of liquid dashed upon his cheek.

The young male reached up to touch the wetness on his skin. “What the-”

Only then he realized he had been caught.

The world swam.

Kira blacked out.

xxxxx

Hisagi Shuuhei winced as he watched Matsumoto-fukutaichou egg on Sasakibe-fukutaichou. He loved how the busty lieutenant filled out her uniform, but she was a demon to other people's livers. Sasakibe downed the tall glass of potent mixed spirits and held out his hands. He then stood on one leg on the edge of the table.

“Ten, nine, eight, seven...” the other lieutenants chanted, then burst into applause when the lieutenant of the first division maintained his balance for the entire countdown.

Sasakibe-fukutaichou let out a burp. “All right, my turn to mix!”

“What am I doing here?” muttered Shuuhei to himself.

“Because you, my friend, are the next ninth division lieutenant,” said Mesuda-fukutaichou, a companionable arm over the brunet's shoulders. “I heard from Tousen-taichou himself that he was recommending you for the post.”

Shuuhei sighed. He had heard of that too, and since the post was empty, Shuuhei had to admit it was flattering to be known as the one to take it. However he had no idea if he deserved it or if Aizen had a hand in his promotion.

_Maybe if I had less of a thing for saviors..._

The dark-haired shinigami smiled and cheered obligingly when Ise-fukutaichou chalked up yet more points for being able to balance her zanpakuto on her head for fifteen seconds. Already Utagawa-fukutaichou and Omaeda-fukutaichou were out; the former had not much stomach for alcohol, and the latter had no sense of balance.

Perhaps he ought to go out for a bit; being here among the lieutenants when he had not been confirmed in his post might reflect poorly on his sense of modesty. Shuuhei excused himself and slipped out unnoticed.

xxxxx

“ _You didn't say it was gonna be this guy!”_

“ _You took the payment. Now do it.”_

“ _Screw it. I'll pay you back. I'm off. No one messes with his backer. You're insane to think you can get away with this.”_

“ _What the hell's he goin' on about?”_

“ _No clue. This one here's kinda skinny. I prefer my boys with a lil' more flesh.”_

“ _He's young and tender enough. Go on, this kind of fresh meat don't come your way often, does it now?”_

“ _No it don', more's the pity. But I ain't gonna have you lookin' now. That's ain't my kink nor his.”_

“ _As you wish. I'll forward the remaining payment tomorrow.”_

“ _Yeah, sure.”_

“ _Oh, and one more thing?”_

“ _Yeah?”_

_“Make him bleed.”_

“ _You really gotta vendetta wif this boy here, aintcha?”_

“ _Let's not waste time, yeah? The meds'll wear off soon, what I heard.”_

“ _Bye now. Have fun.”_

xxxxx

Renji peeled away from the clinging girls. They were pretty enough, but he has his eyes only on Rukia. Even on such a day, she was trapped in her Kuchiki mansion. Not that he could blame her; the fact that Kuchiki-taichou – the name alone set Renji's teeth on edge – would be pissed on coming back and finding out what happened would set anyone on the straight and narrow.

Regardless of the consequences, the shinigami were letting their hair down tonight. Those with sense had stayed in; the lieutenants could and did drag random passers-by into their binge drinking and wild games. Some of the more conscientious members of the Gotei were on patrol, if halfheartedly; they were probably frightened of their lieutenants grabbing them for drinking contests.

Out of the corner of his eye Renji caught sight of a familiar figure. The slim but muscular build had to belong to Hisagi.

The redhead held out a palm in greeting. “Hisagi-sempai!”

“Abarai?” The older male sauntered over. “You're not in your dormitory?”

“Why do you and Izuru say the same things?” demanded Renji teasingly, then his drink-slowed mind caught up. He flushed. “Uh, well, our dorm leader is out and he says we can all relax, get a drink or two. Tomorrow we'll pay for it at the lessons, but he says it's rare enough that all of Gotei relaxes that we ought to take advantage of it.”

“That's true,” admitted Hisagi, letting the Kira reference slip. “For a guy whose face is as red as his hair, you're very coherent.”

“I process drinks faster now, sempai,” said Renji with a broad grin.

“You're out alone?”

Renji shrugged. “Momo was with me, but she was called to meet some guy or other; I pulled Izuru along but he escaped... A couple of clingy groping girls and I have to call it a night too.”

Hisagi laughed. “I'd have thought you would enjoy the clinging and groping!”

“Not that I _hate_ it, but they're really aggressive,” Renji demurred. “I like my girls ladylike, y'know?”

“Yeah, well, I like my girls womanly.”

“I didn't know you like girls.”

It was Hisagi's turn to shrug. “I like both. Appreciation of the female form is nothing to be ashamed of.” With a forced casualness, he asked, “How is Kira?”

“He's all right, I guess.” The younger male felt awkward. He liked Hisagi; he considered his sempai a good man, and it really was too bad that he and Izuru broke up. “He's enjoying his new relationship, far as I can tell.”

“As long as he's not being pressured into something he doesn't like... wait a sec.” A glint on the ground caught Hisagi's eye. He bent down and picked it up. “Was Kira drunk when he left, Abarai?”

Renji shook his head. “Doubt it. Momo said he left pretty soon after I dropped him into a chair.”

“Dropped him into- never mind.” Hisagi examined the chain and pendant closely. It was definitely Kira's; the _kanji_ for 'crane' was unique and detailed. Back when they were together, Kira would take very good care of the only accessory his mother ever gave him.

“Abarai, find a patrol. I'm going to look around.”

“Why? What's going on?”

“Do it. Go to the ninth division, ask for twelfth seat Himura. He's on shift duty tonight. Tell him that I need a search team, right now. Track my reiatsu. Go!”

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

It took them four hours to find the isolated old warehouse building in the far reaches of Seireitei.

Half an hour to locate Isane-fukutaichou.

Twenty minutes to get Isane-fukutaichou to lead her own team down to the warehouse.

Five minutes for Hisagi to threaten her, a superior officer, and one minute for her to overpower him with binding spells.

A split second for Renji to hate himself.

Three seconds for Hisagi to decide that a message must be sent to Aizen-taichou and Ichimaru-taichou.

Fifteen minutes for the message to be drafted and delivered by Mesuda-fukutaichou.

Through it all Kira remained unconscious.

Not from _shinten,_ but from the pain.

 


	32. 32.

“Kira's awake.”

Renji almost jumped out his chair. His fingers went numb and he dropped the book he was reading. Hinamori Momo's announcement had startled him out of some private reverie.

“Really?” he asked, his gaze suspiciously bright.

Momo nodded. “I was there this morning and I was told he was up. He wasn't allowed visitors then but we can visit him later today, in the evening.”

The redhead grinned with relief, before guilt suddenly colored his expression. Momo knew what her friend was thinking and smacked him across the back of the head.

“Ow!” Renji winced. “What was that for?”

“It wasn't your fault nor mine, Abarai, so don't you go blaming yourself. We'll see him, and we'll make sure he is better.” Momo's tone was resolute if understanding, and Renji found himself smiling at her admonition.

He picked up the book he dropped and said, “Sure thing.”

xxxxx

The shinigami on duty at the desk awarded Renji and Momo a cool look. He checked the records and said, “He's just been examined. I think he'll be allowed visitors.”

“That's great!” exclaimed Momo. “Come on, Renji, let's go find him.”

“Room 12A, that's a private ward. Hold on,” said the counter shinigami. He pressed something and spoke into it. A muffled garble of words came out of it, then the shinigami looked up at the two students and asked, “Your names?”

“Abarai Renji and Hinamori Momo.”

The shinigami repeated the names and then frowned. He regarded the two students again and said curtly, “He doesn't want visitors. You may leave now.”

Renji nearly swore but curbed his tongue. “We're his friends.”

“Well, friend,” said the shinigami, “he doesn't want to see anyone. So please leave.”

With that he returned his attention to other matters. Momo's temper flared delicately and she dragged Renji behind her as she ran down the corridor. The shinigami at the counter barely paid attention.

When they got to the wing with the private wards, Renji held Momo back. “Hey, he said that Izuru doesn't want to see us. Don't you think we oughta respect his wishes right now?”

“I think I want to see him regardless of what he thinks! He's been in a hospital for nearly a week, Abarai Renji, don't you think he needs his friends right now?” Momo declared, almost upset. “If it were me there, wouldn't you fight to see if I'm all right?”

“I would.” Renji was very quiet. “But you're not Izuru. He thinks differently from us.”

Momo was about to argue further when someone exited the door leading to the private wards. It was a thin shinigami. He had lank hair almost covering his eyes but the gaze was severe.

He regarded them both before he said, “This is a hospital. You do not make a scene here nor do you disturb patients. Kira-san has indicated that he does not want visitors. Please leave.”

“We're worried about him-”

“I understand. But you are making a ruckus, and you should leave.”

Momo narrowed her pretty eyes and was about to push the thin shinigami aside, but she was blocked by a kido shield. Renji pulled Momo back. The thin shinigami looked apologetic but firm.

He nodded at some nurses who were hovering nearby and said, “Please guide them out of here.”

“I'm sorry, but is there any way we can see him?” asked Renji.

“In all cases we will accede to the patient's wishes. Please leave.” That shinigami returned into the private wards' wing.

xxxxx

Kira was sitting up in bed. When the thin shinigami came back into the room to retrieve the tray of food, Kira bowed awkwardly. “Thank you, Yamada-san.”

“You're welcome,” said Yamada with a brief flicker of a smile, and left the blond alone.

Perhaps it was not nice of Kira to reject his friends' concern, but he was honestly not in the mood for 'nice'. He wanted solitude. Yet, knowing Hinamori as he did, that girl would insist on showering solicitous care that right now felt repugnant to Kira. He sat back against the pillow and let the antiseptic smell of the hospital surround him. Maybe that would clean his self out too.

_:You are pathetic.:_

_Wabisuke..._ Kira closed his eyes and sank into the chilly disdain of his zanpakuto. There was no hint of sympathy from Wabisuke, nor did Kira expect any.

_:If you had died, you would have deserved it.:_

_A dead man's reputation, huh._ Kira smiled humorlessly to himself. _And what would that reputation be?_

 _:A helpless victim,:_ Wabisuke sneered. _:Which is what you are.:_

Kira's lip curled. “I am no victim.”

_:Prove it.:_

“I will.”

The door opened silently, but Kira sensed the impingement on his senses. Opening his eyes he was greeted by Gin's smiling mask.

“I've missed you,” said the silver-haired captain, who strolled over and pressed a kiss to Kira's forehead. “How are you feeling now? Yamada tells me you've eaten already.”

The blond allowed the affectionate gesture without protest. “I'm better.”

“That's good.” Gin settled into the foot of the bed. “I haven't been able to rest well since I got back, so maybe tonight I can get some sleep, knowing that you're better.”

“You've already rested,” murmured Kira. He closed his eyes and turned away. “I can smell him on you.”

There was a brief burst of reiatsu which was instantly tamped down. When Kira opened his eyes, Gin's smile was still in place, with no change. The captain placed a hand on Kira's left foot.

Gin tilted his head and said, “It's good to know your reiatsu-scenting abilities haven't been injured, Izuru.”

Kira matched the fake smile. “It's good to know your libido hasn't declined even while I lay unconscious and probably dying.”

As if his words triggered something primal in the older male, Kira was suddenly pinned against the pillows, a slender white hand locked about his throat. Gin stared down at the blond, his hidden gaze dangerous.

“I have been here, practically about to commit murder in order to hunt down the bastards who dared touch you,” hissed Gin quietly. “I have been here the _second_ I could leave that captain's retreat where I was having the immense pleasure of seeing someone I loathe in a very uncomfortable situation. I have been _here,_ by your side, worrying myself sick. Don't you dare imply that I don't feel anything for you. Don't – you – ever – dare.”

Kira's skin prickled with tension. He was able to breathe, because Gin wasn't gripping him hard around the throat, but he didn't.

Gin stared at the younger male for a moment longer before he kissed Kira. The kiss started out gentle and then deepened, as Gin forced his tongue into Kira's mouth and raked over the hard palate. He drank in Kira's whine as the kiss grew hungrier; Gin's hands slipped down to skate over Kira's thin chest and lower.

“Stop, please,” Kira begged throatily. “Please, stop. I don't – I don't want-”

As abruptly as the kiss started, Gin withdrew. His demeanor was unruffled while he tidied himself. “So. A quick update. Aizen-san has interrogated the lowlifes and they are now in the Fourth Division's holding cells. Both Aizen-san and I feel that Unohana-taichou would want another round of interrogations, since they abused medical supplies provided to the fourth.” Gin took the vacant chair. “Do you remember anything about the assault?”

Kira sat up and turned away, preferring to look out the window instead. “Do I have to do this now?”

“I want to know what you remember.”

“I'll have to repeat this in court,” said Kira. “I'd rather not have to relive the incident.”

Behind him, Gin actually chuckled. “Do you know, once I had someone injure me so badly, I actually recalled my death trauma? I died, in a terrible way. My mother sold me for a bag of drugs, and she sold me to some psychopaths who took pleasure – genuine pleasure – in torturing a kid. But the worst part of the whole thing wasn't the physical pain. Wanna guess what it was?”

Kira did not respond.

“I thought,” Gin went on, “I did something so wrong to my mama that I deserved it. The physical pain wasn't what truly hurt. The worst part – you mightn't believe me, but it's true – the worst part was thinking that I was all alone, and that I deserved to be alone.”

There was a shuffle of cloth; Gin was climbing into the bed.

“I had been raped and tortured to death, and all my mind focused on was my own helplessness. I was angry that I couldn't save myself, lonely because no one came for me, and terrified knowing I was about to die.” Gin's voice was softer than cotton. “If anyone told you they know what you went through and how you felt, they may be lying, but trust me when I say I do know how you felt, and how you feel now.”

Now Kira felt an embrace coming from behind him. Gin had wrapped his thin arms about Kira's shoulders, pulling him back. Their bodies connected, Gin pressed his lips to Kira's right ear, his words the tenderest breath Kira had ever felt.

“So, Izuru darling,” crooned the older shinigami, “don't lock me out. You need me to be here with you, and I need you to want me still. Trust me. Love me. And know that I am here for you, always.”

As Gin held Kira, the younger male slowly felt his heart beating again, his mind starting to work again, and everything started to _hurt_. It hurt to breathe, and the stinging tears finally made their way free from somewhere deep in Kira's soul. The blond didn't cry out but folded himself up, heaving gasps and chokes threatening to undo all the good his enforced sleep had done. It hurt, and the hurt was good and cleansing and painful and terrifying all at once.

Gin held Kira, gently patting the slim body, and let the younger shinigami weep himself hoarse and finally to sleep, safely ensconced in his arms.

xxxxx

Outside the door, Yamada was very glad he hadn't reported Ichimaru-taichou's unexpected visit to Isane-fukutaichou.

xxxxx

“Hisagi, have you heard?” Kyoshiro leaned over to rap on Hisagi's desk.

The dark-haired shinigami barely accorded his friend a glance. “Hear what?”

“Your old boyfriend, Kira Izuru. He's up,” said Kyoshiro.

Hisagi stopped his editing for a moment. Then he swiveled about in his chair. “How do you know?”

“I'm seeing one of the nurses there now,” said Kyoshiro.

“I take it that you and Yuya are history now,” said Hisagi, deliberately diverting the topic. He was concerned but he didn't want to be too concerned. Not in front of others, anyway. “What happened?”

Kyoshiro scowled and launched into a rant about Yuya's mother being an all-round queen bitch, and Yuya being unable to decide what she wanted with her life. Having successfully changed the topic, Hisagi endured the tirade as good a grace as he could. Maybe he could drop by later after duty, but he doubted that he would. He might just see Ichimaru Gin there, and he was really not in the mood to deal with that particular captain.

“... so enough about me,” Kyoshiro said. “How about you?”

“Huh? Me?”

“You, yes. You and Kira went pfft, that much I know, so how about your current one?” Kyoshiro cocked his head. “Aizen-taichou isn't just known for helping people up the ranks, you know.”

Hisagi wrinkled his nose. “You are sickening,” he told Kyoshiro gruffly. “Aizen-taichou's nice. In all situations. I just... You know, there's something about him that's just – off.”

Kyoshiro raised his eyebrows and he scooted his chair over. Hisagi hunkered over and whispered, “Isn't it odd that he and Ichimaru-taichou, being so different, are so close? It doesn't make sense at all.”

“Now that you mention it...” Kyoshiro frowned, deep in thought. “They don't really match, do they? But by all accounts they love each other a lot. Or are they in the past tense now?”

Hisagi shrugged eloquently. Kyoshiro smirked, but wiped off the smile when other officers passed through the office. Hisagi indicated the stack of forms Kyoshiro was supposed to check and said, “Let's talk again another day. I gotta grab Aizen-taichou for his contribution to the latest issue before we go to print.”

xxxxx

Abarai Renji hated calligraphy, simply because he was horrible at it, but this was perhaps their only chance to get to see Kira. Though he did understand the need to respect Kira's wishes, he couldn't help feeling rather insulted that he wasn't one of the people Kira wanted to see.

“Come on,” Momo urged as the lecture ended. She grabbed her bag and Renji's hand, led the way past milling students and stopped before Aizen-taichou. Taking a deep breath, she began, "Aizen-taichou. Um, I-I don't mean to bother you, sir, but, um, could you help us please?"

He smiled warmly at them. "If I can, certainly. What do you need?"

"Kira," Renji said, and then reddened with an unaccountable embarrassment. How stupid to need a captain's help to see you best friend!

"Go on," Aizen-taichou said gently. "What's wrong?"

Momo glanced at Renji and the redhead urged her on with his eyes. She said, "He's in a private ward and we can't see him."

The brown-eyed captain appeared a little perplexed. "I thought you two would have full access..."

“He's refused to see us,” Renji explained, a little reluctantly. "And, well, we can't barge in, since it's technically a private ward."

"If Kira-san has refused to see you, I cannot countermand that request.” The captain kneaded his temples, as if in thought, then went on, “It's not my hospital but-" Renji almost interrupted at this point; Momo elbowed him to shut him up; "- but I will not take it amiss should both of you drop by the division to request to return to the fifth division and, since you're in the vicinity, go and visit Kira-san to check on your friend."

“Thank you Aizen-taichou!” Momo said brightly and dragged Renji after her out to the corridor.

The taller boy whispered, “What the hell was that about?”

Momo resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “He meant that once Kira is discharged, we can go to the division building and talk to Kira. He can't reject us then.”

“But we want to see him now, don't we?”

“We can't, not if the Fourth Division won't let us,” said the girl with a resigned sigh. “It's not like we can break in...”

“...from the side doors” added Renji thoughtfully, “where the food for the kitchen is delivered...”

“... and steal a nurse outfit for myself...”

“... and borrow a set of shinigami robes from a senior such as Hisagi-sempai...”

The two students grinned mischievously at each other. Just as they were about to dash off to carry out their plan, a lean yet muscular arm landed across Renji's shoulder and a hand fell on Momo's. Irritated, Renji was about to shake off the arm until he saw who it was. Momo brightened.

“Hisagi-sempai!”

“I heard the plans. Not gonna work and you'll just get in trouble. Plus, Ichimaru-taichou is probably with Kira right now and it won't do either of you any good to piss that captain off, okay?” Hisagi patted both his friends and sighed. “He's fine.”

“You've seen him?” asked Momo excitedly.

Hisagi shook his head. He shook the brown envelope in his hand. “A working shinigami gets no time to wander about, kiddos.”

Renji sighed. Then he asked, “Why are you here then?”

“Working,” answered Hisagi. He pointed at Aizen-taichou who was chatting with some instructors down the hallway. “Gotta hound a late submission. Listen, you two... you should know Kira as well as I. He'll see us when he's ready to face us. Don't try to force him; it might end your friendship instead.”

 


	33. 33.

When Unohana-taichou returned, she did take over the investigations and it wasn't too long before she held a disciplinary hearing in the presence of Aizen-taichou, and Kurosawa-taichou. Aizen was there as he was Kira's current captain; Kurosawa was the captain overseeing Gotei discipline.

As the victim of the aattack, Kira was there too, in a seat in a discreet corner of the room. Beside him was Ichimaru Gin; Kira had asked for the silver-haired captain to be with him. Hisagi, Renji and Momo were not allowed to be there and Kira had yet to speak to any of them.

“I can't do this,” Kira muttered when Unohana signaled her subordinates to bring in the accused.

“You are ready for this,” whispered Gin when the three accused filed in, led by fourth division members. “You are ready.”

The blond slipped his hand under Gin's and linked his cold fingers with the captain's. When Asou took his place and scanned across the room, Kira had to force himself not to duck or avert his eyes. It was hard not to flinch, and his chest felt tight.

Gin's fingers tightened and he murmured, “You're doing fine. Remember why we are here, Izuru, and get your strength from that.”

Kira breathed out slowly and made his pulse slow. Inside his mind, Wabisuke sneered. The blond swallowed back the retort to the insult and looked up again at Asou Katsumi. Asou was not looking in his direction; he was stony-faced and arrogant in his bearing.

“To make it very clear, this isn't a judicial hearing. With all the evidence and the confessions received, there is no need for a hearing. We are here to determine their sentences. These are the men responsible,” said Unohana. “Their names are as follows: Kawabata Ariaki, Juba Mitsuru, and Asou Katsumi. These are the charges: willful theft of hospital supplies, first-degree sexual assault, infliction of grievous bodily harm on another, and attempted murder.” She stared at all three, her usual motherly countenance replaced with a forbidding mien. “Kawabata Ariaki, step forward.”

“Unohana-taichou, I didn't mean to kill, I didn't hurt – I swear, I didn't want to kill Kira Izuru!” Kawabata flung himself forward on his knees. “I just did what I was told – I swear, I didn't hit him at all-”

Disgusted by the pleas, Asou spat on the begging man. “Coward,” he hissed, and when his gaze traveled up it encountered Kira's blue eyes. Asou's own eyes narrowed and his cheek twitched.

Unohana indicated to her subordinates to haul Kawabata to his feet. “I've already spoken to all of you. I understand that Kawabata Ariaki is guilty of sexual assault and, under Seireitei law, he will be sentenced to 80 years of imprisonment. Kurosawa-taichou, this man is yours to deal with.”

“Understood, Unohana. We will arrange for transfer later.”

“Juba Mitsuru, step forward.”

“Do what you want wit' me.” Juba was a burly man, his thick jaw and huge muscles bunching up. “I was jus' followin' orders given me by my master. I see nothin' wrong wit' that. If he gives me an order t'kill, I'd kill. That's what a house guard is supposed t'do. Not like this spineless slug here.” He aimed a kick at Kawabata.

Unohana's dark eyes held a flinty look. “Yet if the order was wrong, you should have thought of the morality involved regardless of the person issuing the orders. Kurosawa-taichou, your advice?”

With a humorless smile, Kurosawa said, “Incarceration for a hundred and twenty years ought to knock some sense into that thick head.”

“And finally, Asou Katsumi.”

“My father will have your head for this insult!”

“Your father will follow the letter of the law,” Aizen interjected before Unohana could comment. “I have been to your residence, Asou-san, and he says that he will renounce you and all your claim to the bloodline today in all Seireitei publications. You may receive the formal papers today after your sentence has been decided.”

Asou struggled forward and swore loudly. “This isn't a fair at all!”

“It never was a judicial hearing,” Unohana replied, her reiatsu lashing out to silence Asou utterly, “and you have confessed to the crimes already. Therefore, you are hereby sentenced to two hundred and fifty years' incarceration.”

“Excuse me, Unohana-taichou.”

The quiet voice that interrupted Unohana was Kira's. He had let go of Gin's hand and was on his feet, respectfully bowed. Aizen and Kurosawa turned to regard the blond shinigami and the young male could feel their scrutiny.

Unohana's tone, however, was very kind. “Yes, Kira-san?”

Kira exhaled slowly once before he straightened. “May I address my attackers?”

“Certainly.” Unohana was intrigued. “But to what purpose?”

Kira didn't answer her; he walked into the middle of the room and faced the three who had their arms bound.

“Juba-san, Kawabata-san. You took money and orders to do evil. However, you bore me no ill-will, and thus I bear you none.” The slender blond turned and looked at the captain of the Fourth. “Unohana-san, I ask that you reduce Kawabata-san's sentence.”

The woman betrayed no emotion in her expression. “On what grounds, Kira-san?”

“Kawabata-san was the first to admit his guilt, and he has a son who was in the care of the Asou family. I feel that he should not be denied his family, nor his repentance be disregarded.”

“And what is your recommendation, boy?” inquired Kurasawa, not unkindly.

“That Kawabata's reiatsu be limited and that he and his son be indentured to the Fourth division as servants for the period that he was sentenced.” Kira bowed down, hoping that Unohana could see his reasoning.

The matronly captain was silent for a while before she acceded. “I accept that proposition. Kurosawa-taichou?”

“Accepted.”

“As for Juba-san, I think he needs re-education far more than imprisonment. I ask that he be similarly limited, and be put under the watch of the tenth division as a servant as well.”

Kurosawa snorted. “Denied. I have no need for such a brute.”

“Kurosawa-taichou-”

“Denied, I said. Don't push your luck.” Kurosawa snorted again, but there was a hint of respect in his eyes.

Kira bowed his understanding, then swiveled about to face his main tormentor. Asou was glaring poison at him, his thin, white face pinched with intense loathing. Kira felt Wabisuke's scorn again and Kira's bile rose. He strode forward until he was almost within arm's reach of Asou.

“You, on the other hand,” said Kira evenly; his tone would have chilled molten lava, “will have no plea of mercy from me.”

“I don't need it.”

Ignoring the comment, Kira went on. “You hated me, for no cause. You sought to make trouble for me, not just once. You sought to break me and humiliate me. I had never retaliated because I saw no need to. But for some reason you seem to take my forbearance for weakness.”

Asou leaned forward as far as his bonds allowed him to. “You are weak. You got to where you are because you sleep with him.” He indicated with a jerk of his head Ichimaru Gin, who merely smiled a little wider.

To Asou's surprise Kira echoed the silver-haired captain's smile. “That's right, I am weak. I am so weak, that you had to steal _shinten_ to overpower me. I am so weak, that you had to get your bully boys to do what you can't. I am so weak, that I called out my sword before your eyes.”

“That was a lucky break,” retorted Asou.

“Perhaps.” Kira stepped back. “And perhaps I am so lucky, that I survived your repeated rapes and beatings. But, like you said, I am weak. I am so weak, that right now I challenge you to a duel, to show to all four captains here how extremely weak I am. Your reiatsu is not sealed yet – show everyone how undeserving of my post I am, and how pathetic I am.”

“Kira-san, that is not how we do things here,” warned Unohana.

Gin cut in. “Why not? If Asou Katsumi's jealousy has grounds, his sentence should be reduced.”

Aizen shifted in his seat. “Kira-kun has only been discharged four days ago. I doubt he is able to lift his fists, let alone duel.”

“If he dares to issue the challenge,” drawled Ichimaru Gin, “he oughta be able to back it up. Unohana-san, personal favor from you to me, how about it?”

“I cannot in conscience allow it-”

“I beg you, Unohana-taichou, to oversee the duel,” Kira said, his eyes never leaving the flabbergasted and incredulous Asou. “In any case, if I were to suffer defeat, you could send me for treatment immediately.”

She appeared nonplussed. “This is entirely against protocol.”

Kurosawa was the one who chuckled aloud and made the decision. “Screw protocol. We have four captains here – nothing's gonna get out of hand.” He nodded at the shinigami restraining Asou. “Release him.”

They were Unohana's subordinates so they looked to her for confirmation. She was still and unmoving, then there was the barest hint of a nod. Asou's bonds were removed.

“And his zanpakuto, please, if I may use mine.”

“A duel with zanpakuto in a small room?” Aizen was not amused and he stared at Gin. “This isn't a good idea.”

Gin shrugged. “Kira wants it. Let him have it.”

Unohana again hesitated but Kurosawa instructed that the two be equipped with their swords. Before they began, Kurosawa said, “Kira Izuru, you do understand that if he defeats you, your posting in the Gotei goes to him?”

“Yes.”

“All right then.” The bearded captain leaned back in his chair. “Get with it.”

Asou hefted his blade and it sprang to life, turning into a _sai_ with wickedly sharp tips. Kira released Wabisuke.

“That bent hook?” Asou laughed. “What can it do?”

Kira didn't reply. Asou, not getting a rise out of Kira, rushed forward to stab at the blond, who deflected easily and parried the next two thrusts. Then, as he stepped away from the attack, he clashed his blade roughly against Asou's arm a few more times.

Asou whirled around and tried to stab, but found his aim a little off. He twisted the weapon in his grip and it almost fell out of his hand. “What the-”

Suddenly there was a flurry of beatings across his back. When Kira stepped a few paces away, Asou tried to follow, but he crashed to the ground instead. Abruptly he found his breathing a lot harder than before.

Kira was panting too, his pale face now colorless and the shadows beneath his eyes darker. Wabisuke was loosely held in his right hand. While Asou tried to push to his feet, Kira staggered back, apparently worn out. He was caught by Aizen before he could fall, and then stood properly.

“What have you done to me?” gasped Asou, his breathing shallow and tedious. He could not move; there was too much pressure on him. “What – what is your zanpakuto's ability?”

Kira gulped in air before he answered, “To double the weight of anything it hits.”

“Double – the weight...” Asou was sweating bullets now. He tried again to push up but his spine and back were too heavy. “You hit me...”

“Nine times on the back, six times on your weapon, five times on your forearm. What you're trying to do now is support five hundred and twelve times the weight of your clothes, sixty-four times the weight of your zanpakuto, and thirty-two times the weight of your forearm.” Kira was shuddering from the effort needed to stand. He supported himself with the sheath of his sword. “I'm good at mathematics.”

Asou could not really speak. He mumbled something, angrily, and Kira smiled.

“That is – the weight of your guilt – weight – of your crime, Asou. That is what you have to bear. Stand up and tell me... how weak I am. Tell me you've broken me, made me beg for my life. Tell me... how I pleaded for you to stop, to release me, to just kill me and be done with it. Stand up.”

“You little-”

“Stand up.”

“I'll slaughter you-”

“Stand up! Be a man and stand up!”

“Shut up,” wheezed Asou. “Shut up!”

“Or beg me to release you,” said Kira, blue eyes wild and raging. “Beg me to put you out of your misery, beg me to let you go. Beg me to end this-”

“I'm not – going – to beg you – for anything, you... fucking whore!” sputtered the thin, bespectacled Asou, perspiration streaming down his brow.

Before Kira could say anything else, a sudden burst of bright green flame flew like a jet into Asou's face. The fire engulfed his features and then his body. The heat was so intense, Kira could feel his skin reddening. Asou shrieked, flailing helplessly, and Kira watched dumbstruck when his eyes popped from the heat. Before anyone could counter the spell, Asou's head exploded. Bits of cooked brain spattered over Kira, scalding hot, and the smell of cooked flesh flooded his lungs. He could not breathe, he could not hear, he could not see anything other than the charred corpse before him.

Everyone else in the room turned to Ichimaru Gin, leaning against the far wall. He shrugged, wiggled his fingers and said, “Oops.”

xxxxx

“Why did you do that?” asked Kira when Unohana allowed him to leave in the care of Ichimaru Gin.

Gin smiled, his face a mask. “He insulted you.”

“But... you killed him. Without warning.”

“Because, darling Izuru,” said Gin kindly as he tucked Kira into bed, “you would never have done it yourself.”

Blowing out the light, Gin wished his blond sweet dreams. When he was at the door, the older shinigami paused. He peered over his shoulder at Kira. “Or would you?”

 


	34. 34.

It was only around nine in the evening but Kira was tired. He had been studying up on kido techniques all day and his reiatsu stores were depleted. He had still that barrage of physical tests to take to confirm his lieutenant position, and he wanted to make sure no one could dispute his strength.

He shut his eyes, willing himself to sleep, but the image of Asou's final moments kept flashing before his eyes. It had been a month already but he was still haunted by dreams. Nightmares. Specters of a trauma that he told himself were no worse than what some others had faced and emerged stronger from, but in the depth of his soul he knew he loathed his own helplessness and victimhood. _Never again,_ he swore. In the dark behind his eyes he heard the derisive cackle of Wabisuke. How was he to work with a zanpakuto that kept diminishing him and putting him down? If Kira could not control his sword, he would never make it as a shinigami.

He was getting used to his current bedroom at least. There had been little protest over at the fourth; they needed the beds. There had been grumbles over 'a wet-nosed snot taking over as lieutenant', as he heard some indiscreet officers in the mess hall one evening, and the fact that Utagawa left before training Kira thoroughly had exacerbated the situation. Gin hadn't addressed the issue much. In fact, Gin hadn't talked much to him at all.

Kira wondered if Gin ever would again. Maybe the captain just felt sorry for him, or was guilty for killing Asou, but the enigmatic Ichimaru Gin had not initiated anything beyond soft kisses and tender touches to ascertain the progress of his healing.

Tonight Gin had not yet returned. Kira sat up in bed and pulled over his notes. In it were handwritten notes on the duties of a lieutenant that Kira had made and he checked through them. One thing that did bother him was the lack of information on protocol between captain and lieutenant. He wasn't sure if all captains had intimate relationships or if it were just a select few. Mentally he ran through the current contingent and had just gotten to Iba Tetsuzaemon when the captain returned.

“Feeling tired?” asked Gin with a gentle smile. His hands skated up and down Kira's thighs.

For some reason the blond felt invaded by the silver-haired male's presence. “Mm-hmm. I'm going to turn in once I finish this chapter.” He hoped the detached tone would discourage Gin.

Gin merely kissed the top of Kira's head and retreated to the study next door, with a sheaf of folders in his hand. Kira noticed that they bore the orange tags, which meant they were expense reports. The captain must be checking the accounts now that Utagawa had left to teach in the academy.

With Gin out of the room, Kira felt like he could breathe again. His eyesight flickered and, deciding that whether sleep came easily or not, he had to try to sleep.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

With a start Kira bolted upright, the beginning of a scream lodged in his throat. His fingers had tightened to a death grip on the sheets and he had trouble trying to make sense of his surroundings. His breaths were coming at short, shallow gasps, his throat parched and closed, and tears streamed down his cheeks. He made no effort to wipe them away but slowly curled around his knees, trying to gather strength.

When a cool hand touched him Kira knew Gin had been paying attention to him from the study next door. Though he initially rejected the gesture, Kira gave in and huddled up to the silver-haired captain, burying his face in the crook of Gin's neck and shoulder. The tears refused to stop and Kira clung desperately to Gin for some form of help. He needed to stop, he had to, but he couldn't, and the discordant jeering from deep in his soul was provoking an uncharacteristic hatred of himself. He pulled back and sniffed. Gin stroked Kira's cheeks

“I can't keep doing this,” he begged harshly. “I can't keep repeating the nightmare, Gin, I can't. How can I function like this?”

Gin kept stroking Kira's hair. “Tell me what you dreamed about earlier. Maybe talking it out will help.”

Kira went on, rambling right over Gin's words. “I-I just... I'm so sick of my weakness. I know that the rest of the division thinks that I'm sleeping my way up, that I can't do this lieutenant job, and they may be right. How can I do all this when I can't – i can't even get over that-”

“Hey.” Gin took Kira's chin and made the younger male look at the captain square in the eyes. “You have been earmarked as my lieutenant the day you admitted you wanted to work for me. I will not have others say that I am playing favorites, so you will show your mettle.”

Kira felt his feverish terror settle and he began to breathe more slowly. Gin smiled and kissed the blond on the cheeks. “Now tell me what you were dreaming about.”

Now Kira could not look at Gin while he recounted the nightmare. The fear rose again and to center himself Kira bit his own lip. The sharp pain broke the spell the memory had on his thoughts and he said in a low voice, “I... I was under... He was on me. He was – I was restrained, and b-begging for him to stop. I couldn't break free. I could hear him laughing. He was so strong that I-I was completely helpless. He kept-”

And now a surge of bitter, futile anger rushed through Kira again and his fists balled up. He squeezed his eyes shut, refusing to cry again, and Gin pulled him into a hug.

“I can't keep doing this,” whispered the blond.

Gin soothed Kira and then murmured, “Izuru, darling, I have an idea, but I want you to think it over before you say anything.”

Kira swallowed. “Okay.”

“I will play out that scene with you. Now.”

Kira pushed the captain away as hard as he could. His heart hammered and he could feel Wabisuke's mocking laughter roar in his ears. Rage flooded him and he glared at the captain. Thankfully Gin did not try to touch Kira at that point, because the younger man was sure he would bite that hand off.

He fought to get his emotions down to a manageable turmoil. “Why?”

“Because I want to divorce you from the fear of that night and remarry that position with sensations of pleasure,” said Gin. His eyes held nothing but compassion and tenderness. “Izuru, you trust me. Let yourself trust me with everything. I will never hurt you.”

That made some sense, yet Kira wasn't sure it would ever work. He tried to argue but that cut about as much as a paper toothpick. To stop Kira's babbling, Gin grabbed his hands and squeezed tightly, refocusing Kira's attention to the here and now.

“Izuru, darling,” said Gin quietly. “There is _nothing_ you can do to hurt me. And if you fight back, I will stop.”

Perhaps there was still hesitation in Kira's eyes, because Gin then added, “We'll use a safeword, all right? If you or I say the word, we stop whatever we're doing, okay? That way you can't hurt me, and I know when you want a break.”

The younger male contemplated the thought for a long while. He knew he could trust Gin entirely, because the captain was almost frighteningly possessive of Kira and would do anything for him. Finally he replied, “Yes.”

“The safe word is 'marigold'. Is that okay with you?”

“All right,” answered Kira. “Marigold.”

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Though Gin had said he wanted to reenact the scene, he did not immobilize Kira in ways other than two loose knots around his wrists. Even so, Kira had bucked and fought when terror, for an instant just before Gin entered him, won out over the heat of their kisses and the tender ministrations Gin had been applying to Kira earlier.

Gin had thrust into Kira nonetheless, the banked fire in his eyes a testament to how much control he was exerting. Each roll and grind of their hips pushed the fear deeper away, until Kira could think of nothing beyond how good it felt to once again be utterly filled by his lover.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

The next morning Kira went to return some library books when he saw Hisagi at the counter, flirting with the librarian shinigami on duty. The shinigami wasn't deterring him either, if her coy smiles and smiles were any kind of indicators. The way she leaned towards him, flashing her not-inconsiderable cleavage also gave a clue. Kira coughed discreetly. Hisagi halted in his dispensing of roguish charm and stepped back when Kira stepped up to the counter to pass the librarian the three books he had been holding. When the processing was done, Kira walked away quickly but he was interrupted by Hisagi.

“Hey.” The dark-haired shinigami spoke softly and made no move to touch Kira. “Haven't seen you out much for a month.”

“I haven't been out much,” said Kira. He hadn't met his sempai's eyes at all. “I've been recuperating and studying up on the qualifying tests to be lieutenant.”

“Izuru, please look at me,” pleaded Hisagi, and it was that tone that made Kira look up. He would have imagined pity in the brunet's eyes, but all he could see from Hisagi was a genuine gladness to see Kira again. The older male smiled. “You're growing out your hair.”

“It's time for a change,” said Kira absently, tugging the ends of his blond hair.

Truth be told, he hadn't been paying attention to it and now that it was longer he found that he could partially conceal his expression. Plus, it made him more attentive to his blind side. One effect of his experience was that it left him with partial blindness in his left eye; he could see moving shapes and differentiate light and dark, but other than that he had to rely on his right. Having his fringe block that side would train him to guard his left more closely.

To change the subject, Kira asked, “I thought you were with Aizen-taichou? Won't he be jealous that you are flirting with others?”

“Well, on that note...” Hisagi scrubbed the back of his head in a bashful manner. “I broke up with him last night.”

Kira gaped. “You _didn't_.”

“Yes, I did. I oughta know, I was there,” joked Hisagi feebly. He tilted his head and added, “He wasn't... he hasn't moved on from Ichimaru-taichou, and I am not one to accept being a substitute. Not for long, anyway.”

“Yeah, I know,” answered Kira with a wistful, small smile. Then he cleared his throat again. “Listen, uh, I gotta get back, and I don't think she appreciates her boobs being ignored for this long.”

Hisagi frowned for a second. “Izuru, if you need anything-”

“I know. I mean, I understand.” Kira shooed him back to the librarian, and quickly escaped into the midday heat.

He hadn't been prepared for this. A month had passed and he still hadn't met up with his friends, and Renji must furious and confused by now with his reticence. But Kira couldn't even contemplate seeing them and their faces, which would be full of pity and compassion and Kira would hate that. He wasn't a victim, no more, and he didn't want to see the expressions.

Except now he saw a redheaded shinigami standing at the gate to the third division. By the time Kira's brain registered that he could have ducked Renji already saw him, and was calling out to him.

Kira's mind froze and he just strode forward, legs on autopilot, and walked right past him. Renji tried to grab him. Instinctively Kira let loose a small spell that blasted Renji five feet away. When he met his best friend's incredulous eyes, Kira was not able to explain and instead dashed inside, running for the sanctuary of his captain's office, his lover's office. Gin would keep him safe. Gin must keep him safe!

“Kira Izuru, what do you think you're doing?”

Kira slumped against the door to the office, hastily bolting it. Adrenaline coursed through his veins and his hands were shaking.

“Kira Izuru, you come out right the hell now!” The pounding started on the door and Kira felt the wood shake. He slipped to the floor and covered his ears, his entire frame trembling, and he tried to get his breathing back under control. Renji was still shouting and that threw Kira off further. “You don't just walk away from us like this! Come out!”

Though he could hear every syllable, Kira wasn't really listening. His pulse thundered in his ears and he dropped his hands to clutch his knees to himself, fighting a rising nausea.

“Come _out!_ ” The door shuddered. Kira whimpered into his hakama. He couldn't do this, not now, not with Renji so angry.

Then he caught a familiar scent, a reiatsu scent. Gin was here. If Gin was here, he could make it all right.

He had to.

There was some conversation outside that Kira couldn't hear, but the way Gin's reiatsu wrapped around Renji and squeezed meant that it had to have been a very threatening conversation.

When the redheaded shinigami left, Kira came out of the office, a pale, shaking form of himself. His hands were cold and he almost winced when Gin took them and kissed them.

“Did I do the right thing then?” asked Gin, his tone casual yet with a hint of concern underneath.

“I didn't say marigold just now,” said Kira, reminding Gin of their agreement.

Gin smiled and touched Kira's cheek. “All right then.”

He ushered the younger male back into the office. As he bustled about placing files and folders back where they belonged, Kira regained his composure and sat quietly in a chair. Finally Gin spoke again.

“I've been talking to Unohana-taichou. She said you displayed some potential with regard to healing,” said Gin briskly. “So, once you've gained the badge – which I have no doubt you will – I want you to take up additional study at the fourth division.”

“Additional study?”

“Yes, specifically in medicinal herbs and healing techniques. There is no reason why we should always rely on the fourth division medics out in the field, and you shouldn't let that gift go to waste.”

Kira nodded. “Understood, taichou.”

“Second thing is, I've received some news about your aunt.” Gin folded his arms. “How long has it been since you visited her?”

“Um, some months, taichou.”

“I've taken the liberty of sending her a letter updating her on you current condition. It is only appropriate, seeing that the news of Asou's attack on you has spread through the minor noble houses. It is rare for them to disown any potential heir.”

On hearing this, Kira paled. He could just imagine what his aunt would say about his ordeal. It would just be another reason why Kira Izuru wasn't fit to bear the family name and why he was barely a tenth of his father's son.

As if unaware of the distress he just caused the younger male, Gin continued, “Once you've secured the lieutenant badge, we will pay her a visit. I've scheduled your test for next Wednesday.”

“Is there anything else, taichou?” Kira asked softly, not trusting his own voice.

“Hmm?” Gin's smile did nothing to ease the blond's apprehensions. The captain shook his head. “Not really. Go out back and train up defensive kido; they love testing those.”

 


	35. 35.

Soon after he arrived, Gin decided to go out. Kira was partially glad that his captain soon left the office. Once the captain left Kira got to work and cleared the backlog of unsorted documents in the archival room. It was a musty, dusty job, but Kira knew he had to know where the files are kept and in what order.

He didn't mind; that tedious task took him only about an hour and a half and Gin wasn't back from wherever he had wandered off to. That meant he had some time to himself. After he read up on defensive kido, he took to the dojo and practiced each spell until his reiatsu levels were dangerously low.

He felt better after the exertion; sweat poured down his thin frame and he closed his eyes, enjoying the wash of endorphins following his exercise. For the first time in many days his mind felt clear and relaxed.

Just then he was reminded of Renji. Kira sighed; he had to apologize to Renji soon. He didn't want to speak with the big guy, but he didn't want to leave this festering either. A letter would have to suffice.

After a quick rinse in the communal bathhouse, Kira trotted towards the common room where he would be able to compose his letter. Since it was midday, practically everyone was out on different tasks, bar the few who were slated for night patrols this week. He would be left in peace.

Despite the bright sun, it was still quite cool and breezy. Kira found himself some stationery and then, after a second's thought, at a loss for words.

How was he to convey all his fear and frustration into words that Renji could understand?

Staring out the window at the brilliantly blue sky, Kira never even heard the door to the common room open.

“Well, well... here's the captain's pet.” It was a sneering voice.

Kira forced himself not to be startled nor to turn around.

Another voice joined in. “Best not to disturb him, Yamanaka. You know how the captain gets should his precious little new lieutenant be just a teensy bit hurt.”

“That's right, Kinjo, I nearly forgot. So good of you to warn me before I hurt his soft, tender feelings. The captain might have to _gut_ me.”

Feeling his temper rising with each syllable, Kira inhaled slowly and turned around. It was the fourth and fifth seats of the third division, both of whom were at the door. Yamanaka and Kinjo smirked at the slender blond before they exited and headed elsewhere.

 _What have I done now to deserve that?_ thought Kira bitterly. He never told Gin to kill Asou, never even hinted at it. Heck, even Kira was shocked by Gin's murder of the young male in front of so many captain witnesses! But somehow the word spread that Gin was sheltering Kira and that no one was to harm the lieutenant-elect unless they could defend themselves against Gin.

 _Gin, Gin, Gin_. Everything revolved around him. Kira could sense his fingers tightening and realized he had crumpled up the paper for letter-writing. Taking another deep breath, he smoothed it out and began his letter of apology.

xxxxx

Renji was still shaken when he got back to the classroom for the fifth period class. Hinamori was there, chatting with someone he did not recognize, and then she led the boy to Renji.

“Reni-kun! This is Shiro-chan-”

“My name is Toushiro, you goosehead-”

“-and he's just been discovered by Matsumoto-fukutaichou to be a really powerful shinigami potential!”

The younger boy rolled his eyes in a mildly annoyed way, as if he could not stand Hinamori's exuberance, though it was obvious that he was fond of the girl. Renji reached out a hand and the white-haired boy shook it.

 _Whoa. That's some dense reiatsu pressure._ Renji smiled at Toushiro. “Hi. I'm Abarai Renji.”

“Hitsugaya Toushiro,” said the boy, his clipped and low tone in no way curt or rude.

Hinamori clapped her hands together. “This is so exciting! Toushiro, I can lend you all my notes and I'm sure you will need me to show you around campus and I gotta tell you which stall doles out the best food and you gotta show me your room...” She chattered away while leading Toushiro out of the class, like he was a pet being towed behind her, and Renji let his ruminations go to Kira again.

It had been quite hurtful to be left in the cold. Renji thought he and Kira were best friends. Yet the blond had not only denied him a hospital visit, he was also denying Renji's right to ask him how he was. Such issues rankled more than the redhead liked to admit.

The lesson started and ended with nary a scrap of information entering the redhead's consciousness. He had brooded about Kira throughout the day. By the time curriculum hours were over, he had built up quite a bad temper and thus was not ready to join Hinamori's impromptu decision to hold a welcome party for her old friend.

“I don’t _want_ a welcome party, Momo.” Hitsugaya shook off her hand and stalked off after Renji. “I'm getting more than enough attention as it is.”

Hinamori, hurt by the rejection, watched as her old friend and her classmate walk away. Graduation was only two months away. After their final assessment and a psychological profile, they would be actual shinigami. Hinamori wanted to spend time with her friends, but somehow none of them seemed to notice that she was there.

“Uh, I'm looking for a Hinamori-san. Hinamori-san, are you around?” asked a younger student peering shyly about the room.

“I'm here.”

The underclassman seemed a little taken aback by Hinamori's presence. He blushed fiercely and stammered, “I-I-I have a message from the, erm, the Dean of Admissions and h-he wants to arrange an appointment with you within, uh, I mean therefore, um, I-I-I mean about, uh, about placement...”

Hinamori giggled as the boy fought to remember the full message and not fall over his own tongue. “Okay. When and where is this appointment?”

xxxxx

Renji tried to dissipate his foul mood with a good, long walk, but that failed. Thus he turned to the kido range and started to fire spells in rapid succession, each one blasting the targets with as much power as he could call up. It was a good hour and a half before he fell to the ground, sweaty, exhausted, empty.

Someone peeked in from the door. It was the new boy, Hitsugaya. “I thought I heard explosions.”

“Hey. No, I was just practising.” Renji flopped a hand in weak greeting.

“To the point when you're about to faint? That's quite some practice,” he said in a low voice but Renji wasn't needled by it. “Do you need help? I can get somebody I think...”

“It's all right,” said Renji with a smile. “I'll just sit here for half an hour and I'll be ready to go.”

“All right then. See you around.” Hitsugaya waved and strode off.

The redheaded student wondered why Hitsugaya came by. Then he realized that the younger boy must have sensed how angry and frustrated Renji was, to the point of turning Hinamori down, and that Hitsugaya had been concerned enough to follow at a safe distance. As to how the diminutive freshman managed to stay out of Renji's range... well, the redhead had never been much good at tracking reiatsu, but if Hitsugaya was as new as all that then he's a fucking goddamn prodigy.

“Geez... everyone's better than me...” Renji leaned his head back. His breathing sped up and suddenly frustration roared to the surface. He pounded his fists on the floor repeatedly until they were sore and he screamed soundlessly, trying to empty his helplessness

_Everyone's stronger than me, further from me... How am I supposed to reach Rukia like this? Can I ever reach Rukia like this?_

xxxxx

Kira washed his face in the basin again. The letter was done and sent to Renji's dorm room, but Yamanaka and Kinjo had returned earlier with their snide remarks in full flow.

“What the hell is wrong with these people!” Kira snarled under his breath. In the faded mirror he could see his thin face, still pale, and the dark circles that ringed his eyes. There was a hunted look to him, and he could feel Wabisuke's reiatsu still creeping around him. He squeezed his eyes shut. “I've made it this far; I can go on further.”

 _:Taking to talking to yourself? Some people claim this is a sign of insanity.:_ Wabisuke cackled. _:I should know; I'm fucking insane.:_

_'Shut up.'_

_:You can't shut me up when you're not even able to shut them up. Weakling.:_ The insult was spat out with a hiss.

Kira smashed his fists on the basin. “I am _not_ a weakling! Shut up!”

“Aw, is widdle Kiwa fwikking out?” Yamanaka walked into the bathroom, a towel slung over his shoulder. He leaned in and stared Kira in the mirror. “The Asou family would be so darn happy to know that.”

The blond shinigami swiveled about on his heel. “What is your problem with me, Yamanaka-san?”

“My problem? I wouldn't dare have a problem with you,” said Yamanaka, still in that infuriatingly calm drawl. He walked away, singing a soft tune under his breath.

Kira watched the older man swagger off, his hands clenching into fists, nails digging into his palm. His heart was pounding; whether with rage or helplessness he was unable to tell. He stormed out of the bathroom and returned to the sanctity of the office, where he took a pile of documents that were to be filed and settled on the floor, and he sat there sorting out assorted papers until the door slid open.

“Izuru, what's wrong?” Gin stepped over, his feet making no sound as he hunkered down next to the blond. “Are you all right?”

“I'm fine,” Kira said. His gaze locked on the captain and he suddenly felt an indefinable urge rise within him. “I've done the filing in the archives, and these are ready to be put into proper folders.

“That's great,” said the captain. “Good boy.”

“Do you have a lot to do?”

“Yes. It's almost time for the audit and I have papers to sort through.” The silver-haired man ruffled Kira's hair. “What's up?”

Kira sat up and shifted close to Gin, his lips brushing the older male's. “I want a reward for being a good boy.”

“Okay,” said Gin cheerfully. He frowned, a slight crease marring his ever-smiling face. “Something's up. You've never asked me for rewards.”

Kira licked his lips slowly, already making a decision. His hand reached up and caressed a soft cheek, trailing down a sharp jaw and sliding towards the opening in Gin's clothes. His breath was sweet, he knew, and when he spoke he could sense a flutter in Gin's reiatsu. “Things change. I want a reward.”

Gin smiled now and kissed the blond. “All right then. What do you want?”

“Will you do anything I ask you to?”

“Anything except killing you, Izuru darling.”

“Good,” breathed Kira, mouth moving against his lover's. “I'll be waiting tonight in your bedroom.”

xxxxx

Gin sat and stared at the items Kira had laid out between them. “This is... interesting,” he said at last. “And unusual.”

Tilting his head and peering at Gin from under his long lashes, Kira pursed his lips. “You really don't expect me to think you haven't used them before, do you?”

“Well...” Gin's voice trailed off. He picked up the length of blue silk. “This, yeah. But I did get this for you to make into something to wear, not for this.”

The blond leaned forward. “Why not this?”

Gin smiled. “Practical reasons, darling. Silk will tighten under pressure and cut off circulation. It's dangerous. However, I do have the necessary equipment. It's _this_ that I'm concerned about, actually.”

He picked up the rare ivory _tanto_ and regarded it, turning it over in his hands. It had been taken from his display stand out in the sitting room and Gin drew the blade. He ran the edge over his thumb and his brows creased.

“I don't think you're ready for this,” said the older male. His smile faded slightly. “You're treading in dark waters, darlin' boy, and I don't think you know what you're getting into.”

Kira straightened and leaned forward, resting on his hands. “But you do. And I trust you.”

“Darling, this is not that simple. You might...” The captain paused, trying to seek the right word. “The last time we made love, you almost freaked out. You fought me so hard I wanted to stop; if you had said the safeword I would have.”

“I remember the safeword,” Kira murmured. He moved forward on his hands and knees, and licked Gin on the nose. “I trust you. I want this – and I want my reward.”

The older male sighed and kissed Kira gently. “It's going to be a lot more than what you experienced the last time, Izuru.”

Kira nibbled on Gin's earlobe and whispered, “Unless you can top what that bastard Asou did to me, I have nothing to fear.”

xxxxx

The blond clutched the bell in his hands tightly. Gin had tossed the bale of blue silk aside and dug out a length of jute rope which he tied to a support on the wall. He had been remarkably gentle as he twisted and wound the rest of the rope around Kira, making certain that Kira's arms were secure above his head while giving enough slack for him to adjust should he feel strain.

“I want to gag you,” Gin had said, touching Kira's lips, “so this bell is a replacement for it. If you let it fall to the ground, I'll stop whatever I'm doing and release the gag. If you say the safeword then, I'll stop everything.”

Kira had agreed to that. His lover had then looped the jute rope over and around his torso, always testing the tightness against his flesh and framing erogenous spots. His nipples peaked as Gin rubbed them with his thumbs while framing the body harness; his cock was erect but Gin had forbidden Kira from coming until he was ordered to. Once his body and arms were bound, Gin had moved on to enjoying Kira, his hot kisses laving attention all over Kira and his hands tenderly stroking Kira's sensitive spots. Many times Kira almost came, but every time he neared the edge Gin would pull back away, allowing the blond's passion to abate slightly before Gin resumed his activities.

By the time Kira was a quivering wreck begging for Gin to give the permission, both were slick with sweat and dripping with precome. Gin sucked on Kira's neck, his fingers plucking the hardened nipples, while his throbbing length rested between Kira's thighs, slowly thrusting against sweat-soaked delicate skin.

“I will make you mine,” crooned Gin softly. He let go of the younger male and shifted in front of Kira. Picking up the blade, Gin made sure Kira saw how he ran the dull edge of the _tanto_ over his own pale belly, trailing it down to his thighs and then up again. “Kiss the blade, darling. Kiss its cold surface and warm it carefully with your breath.”

The blond did as told, feeling a strange fear and thrill build when the flat of the short knife was put against his gagged mouth. Since the cloth gag was in the way, he could not lick it, but his panting exhalations did slowly warm the ivory. Gin then slid the flat of the _tanto_ over Kira's cheeks, the tip almost touching his skin.

Gin noted how Kira's eyes had widened at the mere caress of the weapon and smiled. “You really want this, don't you? You crave pain, crave the sensation of breaking the sanctity of your body, you want me to hurt you.”

The blond shinigami nodded, suddenly feeling tears at the edges of his eyes. The blade now moved along his jaw, forcing him to tilt his head back.

“Such a pure white throat... a beautiful, unmarked neck. Exposed to me...” Gin licked up the alabaster column, the weapon in his right hand sliding down an arm over a bony shoulder. “You want me to mark you, don't you? That's why you wanted a knife. You want me to show everybody that you belong to me.”

Kira could only nod, his focus divided between the deadly short sword and Gin's teeth playing with his earlobe.

The silver-haired man chuckled, a low, throaty sound. “I will _not_ mark you, my darling Izuru. Not where others can see.” The blade pressed in slightly and Kira shuddered, torn between relief that it was the dull side and desire for a stronger sensation. Gin bit down all of a sudden and Kira yelped, making his lover laugh. “I will mark where only you know, and you will know that you belong to me. You are mine, you will always be mine... and you are mine alone to mark.”

A whine escaped from Kira's throat as he realized that Gin was forcing his back against the wall. The older shinigami bit down on Kira's neck when the blond didn't move quickly enough, and thin white fingers dug into Kira's hips. He was nudged to his knees and Kira felt his shoulders relax fractionally, but his grip strengthened when he felt Gin's cock rubbing wetly against his own. A soft thud indicated that Gin had dropped the ivory blade for a second; he was reaching behind Kira, nudging his entrance, trying to spread it for himself to enter.

“Do you want it?” Gin asked, licking at Kira's ear, his breath hot with desire and lust.

The younger male nodded, his eyes squeezing shut as Kira felt his tears break free from his control. Gin thrust into his body, and abruptly the silver-haired man shifted gears from tender and loving to demanding, each push shoving Kira harder against the wall behind him. He pulled Kira's legs around himself and kept thrusting in, striving to dig his body into Kira's slighter frame. Then, just as abruptly as it began, Gin slowed down and touched his forehead with Kira's.

His gaze was unfathomable in the dim room. “Ready darling?”

Kira was trying to catch his breath, and was unprepared when Gin ripped the gag off and asked, “What's the word, Izuru?”

“Word... word is...” Kira licked his mouth; he wanted, he needed a kiss. “The word is marigold.”

"Are you gonna say it again?"

"No. No. Please, I need – I need you-" Kira screamed when he felt the tip of the _tanto_ slide from the top of his spine to the small of his back; he could feel it pressing against his bone; he could feel the blood of his body rushing to the line that had just been etched into his skin. It felt good. It felt _cleansing_.

The short sword now swept over his leg and back up, until it was pressing against his pulse point. Kira fancied he could feel the blade pulsing along with his own heartbeat. His hips ground down in reaction to the emotion surging in his veins, wanting to feel so much more. Gin kissed him gracelessly, all tongue and teeth and wetness, before he pulled away and stared into Kira's eyes.

“Slow down,” he ordered, voice rough.

The blond snarled, “Faster. Take me. Faster, harder. Harder.”

His arms gripped the rope above him and his thighs squeezed, his hips grinding down and begging for Gin to fuck him into the wall. The captain kept the blade at the pulse point until Kira felt a pinprick of pain, and that was when Gin dropped the ivory _tanto_ and smashed his mouth against the blond's, forcing all thoughts out of Kira's head. The blond struggled, his skin buzzing with a strange urge, and Gin bit down. The coppery taste and scent of blood shoved Kira over the edge and he came hard, his slender body shaking with effort and passion, locking Gin into himself as his vision blurred into white.

xxxxx

When Kira went to the bathroom in the morning, he looked at himself in the mirror. Staring back at him was a pale face that was strangely devoid of emotion. He felt rested, satiated... but the only hint of his improved well-being was in his posture. He rolled his neck, feeling the joints relax, and then he noticed the little signs Gin had left on him.

He touched the tiny red mark on the left side of his neck. His blond hair would hide that. In fact, a simple healing jutsu would erase it entirely. On the right side was a hickey that was bruising.

“ _You're becoming darker, my love. I'm not easily scared, but you're starting to scare me.”_

Kira frowned at himself in the mirror. Then he uttered a healing chant and put his hand to the bruise, carefully speeding the healing process until it was only a pale red mark.

The knife prick he would keep. It was the very first time Gin had ever marked him, and as Kira thought about it, he felt a heat slowly building within him. Unbidden recollections surfaced and the blond had to take a moment to compose himself. Gin said he wanted to speak with him about this, but Kira saw nothing wrong at all. It felt good, so it had to be right.

_I don't care how dark I get. I will become darker than sin, if it makes me feel this good._

 


	36. Chapter 36

****Kira knocked on the door softly. Though it was silent inside the office, it was a busy, occupied silence; Gin was working on getting the division ready for the audit. Still, the captain seemed to have heard Kira and smiled at the blond, waving him in.

"Hey. You're early."

The younger man bowed slightly before taking the indicated seat. "I completed the tasks you set me. The files are ready for the audit team. I saw Komatsuzaki-san leaving the office with a lot of boxes in a hurry earlier, but I wasn't sure if I was supposed to stop him. Was I?"

Gin stacked his papers neatly and got up, walking around to the other side of the office desk. Leaning against the table, he cocked his head and regarded Kira. "It's all right. I've just transferred him to a different division."

"Oh?" Kira wondered why. Komatsuzaki seemed all right, keeping mostly to himself but doing his work. Still, Gin must have his own reasons.

"Forget him," Gin said suddenly, his fingers drumming on the surface of the desk. When he next spoke he sounded rather irritated. "I've been thinking about how to help you and Wabisuke come to an understanding. Unfortunately there is no place in the third division that will allow you to meditate without interruption."

Kira looked at his hands in his lap. His fingers were gripped together tightly, and he forced himself to relax each digit. "We can use the meditation room behind the training arena," he suggested.

Gin snorted and said, "Don't think I'm blind or stupid. The seated officers are harassing you."

Glancing up at the captain, Kira was torn between being defensive and wanting to be comforted. Then an inner voice raged at him for being so reliant on Gin. What kind of lieutenant couldn't defend himself? He looked down again, angry at his own weakness. “They're not harassing me.”

"Liar." Gin tilted Kira's chin up with two slender fingers, forcing the blue eyes to meet Gin's knowing, hidden gaze. "I have eyes and ears everywhere in this division. I'm not gonna deal with them – yet – but I will not expose you to the risk of interference when you're deep under, when you're in conversation with Wabisuke."

The blond shinigami was about to assent when he saw the deadly intent flash within the blue-green depths. Dealing with them, Kira realized, meant that Gin would kill them. Just as he killed Asou.

The nightmares, the blood, the pain... Kira winced inwardly. He didn't know whether to be thrilled that his captain was so protective of him or to be terrified at the lengths at which Gin would go to for a mere bedmate. What did that say about Gin's devotion to Aizen then? What would the silver-haired male do for his beloved Aizen-taichou?

Gin was still waiting for a response. Kira reached up and touched the slender, chilly fingers carefully, hoping that his words would not be misconstrued."Don't deal with them."

The ubiquitous smile tightened. "You expect me to stand by and let them walk free?"

"No," Kira said. He thought about what he meant. Did he want them to walk away from their verbal torment? No, but he did not want Gin to punish them unduly. No... what he wanted was more than that. "Don't deal with them yourself. Let me at them."

For some reason that pleased Gin and the older man tipped Kira's face up further to kiss him. It was a sensual but not passionate kiss, mere touching of mouth to mouth, a pressure on the lips. The warm sensation lingered and pooled in Kira's belly. For the first time since the assault, he felt a bit more calm and at peace with himself.

When the captain drew away, there was an unfathomable look in the pale, pointed face. Kira didn't try to decipher it. To Kira's pleased surprise, Gin pulled Kira in for another kiss, and this time the older male's fingers wove into the blond's hair, his long nails lightly scratching the scalp, sending little arcs of desire shooting down Kira's spine. He closed his eyes, surrendering to the kiss, his tongue darting out to wet his lower lip in an unconscious attempt to invite Gin for more.

However, Gin stopped the kiss and pulled back.

"There are other meditation chambers. Unfortunately there are also other people using them at the fourth, sixth, seventh and eighth; I can't stand Kurasawa or Tousen, Soifon can't stand me, and Kyoraku-san and Ukitake-san aren't around when I want to ask their permission. I won't let you go near the mad people at the twelfth and the eleventh had long turned theirs to a sake storehouse." The silver-haired shinigami seemed uncomfortable as he let out a long breath. "So I asked Aizen-taichou."

"I, uh, got that bit when you started talking about the other captains," Kira answered teasingly. Did Gin really think Kira to be that petty? Besides, Kira knew who Gin truly loved. He saw the proof of it every night, that strange sinuous tattoo a blatant reminder of a harsh truth."Shall we go?"

xxxxx

The meditation chamber at the fifth division seemed rather run-down on the outside, being situated in a storehouse, but since there were very few shinigami who dealt with the stores housekeeping tended to be lax. At least it was clean – the unranked shinigami had learned well under Gin's tutelage. The third division was becoming much cleaner too. Gin tolerated little.

The room was very similar to the one in the third division, save for the black drapes with reiatsu-limiting threads woven into the fabric itself. The space felt enclosed and shielded from the outside world, and Kira wondered if all the meditation chambers were alike. He had not viewed the third division's room yet, and Gin seemed reluctant to let him in it.

The idea of an interior space solely for meditation seemed archaic to Kira. It was such a waste of space. Yet each division had its own – even though most seemed unwilling to use it, and the eleventh had repurposed it – so there had to have been a time when the rooms were needed. Given how Soul Society had no qualms having single-function buildings like the Tower of Penitence, meditation chambers must have been an affordable luxury for the Gotei Thirteen.

Aizen led Kira to the dais in the center and told him to sit comfortably. “If you need assistance, or if you feel that the session must be terminated, knock on it five times. It will send a signal to the main office and someone will come get you, even if I am out. Otherwise, once we exit and I key in the locking sequence, no one else can enter. When you are in meditation, you may forget that the dais is always just under you, so be aware of your surroundings – both in your mind and outside, here, in the real world.”

“Yes Aizen-taichou. Thank you for lending me the room.”

“You're welcome,” said Aizen warmly. “Few people like the meditation rooms nowadays; they prefer the great outdoors, but there are so many distractions. Or they like to use their own sleeping areas.”

As Kira settled down on the dais, the two captains conversed in hushed tones. Then Aizen led Gin out of the room, leaving Kira alone in the white room with black drapes. An uneasy sense of claustrophobia closed in about the blond, but he was stalwart in his decision. Today, one way or another, he would make sure Wabisuke stopped acting up within him. He needed his sword to work, and he had to pass his lieutenant assessment. There was no other means to prove his worth to the loudmouths and vicious gossips.

The zanpakuto spirit snarled when Kira closed his eyes. _:What do you want?:_

 _I want to talk,_ Kira concentrated. _I want to know what's wrong with you._

 _:With me?:_ Wabisuke snorted derisively. _:Are you certain that the problem lies with me and not, say, with YOU? You pathetic little worm of a shinigami... you just can't see, can you?:_

Kira bristled at Wabisuke's mocking tone. _You are the zanpakuto spirit here and I am your wielder. What the FUCK is your problem with that?_

_:Why don't you come in here and find-:_

An unexpected touch on his knee jerked Kira back from his argument with Wabisuke. He was not aware of it, but his lip curled and his blue eyes were snapping with wild fury at the intrusion, before he recognized Gin hunkered down in front of him.

The captain looked concerned and shushed softly, leaning forward to brush his nose over Kira's. That action, more than the soothing croons, calmed the blond down. Gin smiled fractionally and whispered, “Izuru, darling, look at me.”

The blond inhaled deeply and breathed out, feeling some of the tension leave his shoulders.

Gin held Kira's face in his hands tenderly, murmuring, “I need you to meditate.”

“I know,” said Kira, wondering why something this obvious had to be said.

"Focus on the question I'm about to ask you. Do not attempt to leave the room until you have answered it, all right?"

Kira did not comment. He was already full of questions for Wabisuke, so one more wasn't really a problem.

"Izuru, why do you want others to bow before you?"

That threw the blond shinigami off. "What? I don't-" Kira protested feebly, but his protestations were cut off by Gin's mouth and tongue pushing at him for another kiss. This one was different, deep and passionate, and Kira reached for his captain to hold him tighter. To his mild disappointment, Gin pulled away and smiled fondly at the younger male.

"Think on it, darling,” said Gin. “I'll come and get you before dinner."

xxxxx

The dais was really still there when Kira entered his internal world where Wabisuke resided. This time, the wind was ripping at furious speeds through the pine and fir forests while snow had piled up in deep drifts, which Kira found out the hard way. The dais was sitting on top of the drifts and when he got up and stepped off, he found himself sinking to snow midway up his thighs.

Wabisuke was nowhere to be seen.

Peering into the gloom, Kira tried calling out for his zanpakuto spirit but found that the wind tore the sound into inaudible bits. However, even as the air current whipped his hair into his face and speared icy chill into his bones, Kira could make out, just on the edge of hearing, a wild howling wail.

He knew it was Wabisuke's call. The problem was that he could not tell where it was coming from. As he waded forward, his legs growing numb from the cold, he thought about where the spirit could be. It didn't help that his inner world was in a tumultuous state at the moment; icy flakes bit into exposed skin and Kira had to squint whenever he looked into the distance, his vision further impaired by his damaged left eye.

Kira gathered reiatsu to go into shunpo, but just as he was almost ready to move a sudden weight landed across his shoulders, throwing him forward face first into the snow. Coughing and spluttering, Kira managed to push himself up. He found himself wrapped about with thick chains which was connected to a large boulder.

“What the hell are you playing at, Wabisuke?” the blond muttered angrily. Try as he might he could not disentangle the chains from his torso. Shaking the snow from his face and bracing himself as he lifted the stone onto his shoulders, he began trudging forward slowly. If he thought wading through deep snow was bad before, it was now akin to crawling through hip-deep wet cement.

By now Kira had lost all sense of time. He scanned the surrounds as best as he could, but all he saw was white snow and midnight blue sky, occasionally punctuated by the spires of evergreen. This was his world, but Kira was lost. He did not belong here.

“What am I supposed to do?” wondered the shinigami aloud, his voice disappearing with the howling wind. “Where am I supposed to go?”

“Good questions,” Wabisuke hissed beside Kira's ear. The zanpakuto spirit's sudden appearance startled Kira so much that he lost his balance and fell to the side. The boulder on his back rolled off and Kira choked as one chain collided roughly against his neck. The blond shinigami got to his feet as Wabisuke perched on top of the boulder and stared at Kira. The spirit's usually madness-filled gaze was strangely sane, but malignant and hostile. It bared its teeth in an approximation of a grin. “You tell me.”

“What's all this about?” asked Kira, refusing to rise to the bait. “What do you want?

Wabisuke's long hair streamed and tossed about in the wind, and the ragged fabric passing off as its clothes were fluttering violently. “What do I want?” it rasped. Reaching behind its back, it drew out a long shape and threw it at Kira's feet.

It was Wabisuke the blade, in its unreleased form. Kira frowned and peered at the spirit warily. It couldn't be asking for a fight, could it? Kira was not ready for that.

“Pick it up,” Wabisuke ordered in a snarl.

The blond moved as though he was an automaton. The edge of the sword shone despite the lack of light.

“End it all.” The spirit crouched lower, almost curling into itself. “Kill yourself and end this misery. Yours and mine.”

Kira stared at the blade. His eyes looked back at him, blue and wide and unseeing.

_Why?_

That blue gaze held no answers. After a very long moment, Kira looked up at Wabisuke. It was still in that feral crouch, its face deadly serious.

“Go on,” Wabisuke urged in a sibilant hiss. “Simple thing to do, weakling. Stab yourself right here – your God has marked the spot for you.”

“Marked the spot?” echoed Kira dumbly. His left hand slid up the column of his throat on its own accord, locating the small nick where Gin had pricked him with the blade that night...

“Right there,” the zanpakuto spirit affirmed. “Go on. Do it.”

And again the shinigami's hand moved as if on its own. Kira watched, hypnotized by the play of light along the edge and closed his eyes, his lips parting on a sigh. The blade brushed over his Adam's apple and then the tip rested under his jaw, just against his jugular.

And stopped.

Kira's eyes snapped open and he glared at Wabisuke. “What the fuck are you playing at?” he demanded in anger. The sword he was gripping was flung aside. “I fought hard to save my life. Why on earth would I want to kill myself?”

“Because you're trying to kill _me!_ ” roared Wabisuke abruptly. It leaped from the boulder to shove Kira backwards. The deep snow drifts surrounded them on all sides and all Kira could see was the raging face of Wabisuke less than three inches from his own. The skeletal hands were deceptively strong, fingers digging into Kira's flesh painfully. “You weak, pathetic _loser,_ you can't even begin to contemplate what you've been doing to me! You _whore!”_

Feeling trapped, Kira struggled but was unable to throw Wabisuke off. He could feel nausea and panic rising within; the chains bound him, trapped his limbs; he had no weapon to defend himself; Wabisuke was too strong; there was no escape-

The horror returned with a vengeance. Kira screamed until he had no breath left in him, and he kept screaming. His throat turned raw as he kept shrieking incoherent despair into his attacker's face. His body thrashed about and he fought, his fingers trying to claw upwards, his legs kicking out futilely.

When he was finally spent of energy, he lay there gasping, shallow breaths that made his chest rise and fall too rapidly. Tears streaked his cheeks and his mouth was open, drawing in lungfuls of air that did nothing to calm him down.

Through it all Wabisuke had not moved an iota. It had pinioned Kira and was still pinning the blond to the ground. Its thin legs straddled the pale young male and its eyes searched for something in the wild, terrified blue gaze.

“Why are you afraid of this?” it asked, almost forlornly. “Why are you ashamed of having lived through this? Of being strong enough to survive?” It stared at Kira, its madness fading away and revealing a genuine sorrow inside. “Why are you afraid of me?”

“I-I... I don't, I don't know,” Kira burbled, crying freely. “I don't know what you're talking about, I don't... get off me, get the fuck off me, let me go-let, let me go... I need, I need Gin. I n-need Gin, please, Gin, where is he-”

“You are safe in here,” Wabisuke stated, not releasing his prisoner. “There is no place safer than here. But you are afraid, and you are ashamed.”

Kira sniffed and blinked through sticky lashes. “I don't... I'm not. I'm not ashamed – not, not ashamed of you.”

“Then why are you hiding your strength?” the spirit demanded hotly. “When those morons mouthed off, you could have beaten them to an inch of their lives! Even if I was not with you, I know how strong you are! And you torment yourself with feelings of _inadequacy_ and _weakness_ -” the words were spat out like acidic invectives “You have locked me into this storm ever since the day you woke up from your coma. And you ask me what I am playing at? What are _you_ playing at? Being a victim? Being a shell of a loser who hides behind his God? Being a shadow, a ghost, an insubstantial whore who spreads his legs to get what he does not deserve?”

The insults slammed into Kira and he reeled from the accusations. Wabisuke was panting now, though there were no warm puffs of breath. It was eerie, almost, surrounded by cold white snow, as if lying in a coffin, with an animated corpse-like creature atop. Kira shuddered.

“You are strong and you're ashamed of using that strength,” continued Wabisuke, its hissing voice low and almost hypnotic. “You are superior and yet you cower before the lesser beings. What are you afraid of?”

“Lesser... lesser beings?”

Wabisuke sneered again. “Call them what you want. Weaklings. Hangers-on. Flunkies. Those that have no power and do not dare attack those who do outright – they are beneath me. As they should be beneath you.”

“Beneath...” Something clicked in Kira's overwrought mind as he shut away the unwelcome flashbacks. He muttered, “Gin said something about that.”

Wabisuke cocked its head to the right. “What about it?”

“Why I want people bowing before me...” Kira shut his eyes. “I don't want them bowing before me. Not before me.”

“But to bow before their guilt,” Wabisuke supplied. Its voice was unexpectedly gentle. “It is an acknowledgment, isn't it?”

“Acknowledgment of what? Weakness? Guilt? Regret?” Kira's eyelids fluttered open and he regarded Wabisuke blankly.

“Of the wrongs they have done throughout their lives before they die.”

“So what does that have to do with me? What does that have to do with this?”

“Because you are not acknowledging anything, Kira Izuru,” snarled the spirit. “There's more to us. To me. I am not just a manifestation of fear, or guilt, or regret. I am the part of you that you lock away.”

Kira shook his head. The nausea was climbing up his throat again. “I can't do this. I have... I can't do this, not like this...”

“FACE IT!” screamed Wabisuke. “FACE _THIS_! I am you, and until you accept that it has been done and that you are strong enough to bear it, nothing will change! And if you aren't strong enough to bear this, then fucking kill yourself and end our misery!”

Kira broke. “Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up! You know _nothing_ about it! You, you're so smug and didactic, what the hell do you know about being beaten and raped?! What do you know about watching your tormentor die in front of you and not getting any closure from his end? What the fuck do you know about needing to _feel_? You are nothing but a figment of the imagination!”

“I know because I am you.”

Wabisuke locked gazes with the pale blond whose cheeks had flushed darkly with his desperate rage.

“I know,” it repeated. “I was there. I felt everything you felt. I still feel it. The pain – can't you see your pain in here? The snow has not stopped falling; the wind howls louder day by day. You are not alone, Izuru. You have me.”

Kira was unable to speak. He just breathed deeply, trying to control his tears.

Wabisuke let go of Kira's wrists and touched its chilly hand to the blond's cheek. “You told your God to hurt you.”

“I had to. I had to,” Kira whispered. “I needed to know that I could feel something. Fear. Pain. Something.”

“I understand.”

“How can you? How can you when I don't understand it myself? It's sick, it is depraved and sick-”

Wabisuke gripped Kira by his neck and dragged him into a sitting position. He growled, “I am not made of good and noble intentions, blond. Everyone has a dark side; you're looking at yours now. All your rage, insecurities, fears, depravities, regrets, despair and guilt are here. All of it – me. Look at me. Really, really look. When you step out of this place, I sincerely hope you give up that bloody notion of becoming a pure, incorruptible saint. You're not. You're too dark for that. You think I'm mad? Wait till you have to balance all those conflicting desires all by yourself.”

The spirit crawled off with odd grace. As it unfolded from its crouch, the serious gleam in its eyes grew redder and a wide grin spread over its gaunt face. “Anytime it gets too tough, remember the choice I gave you.”

Kira clambered to his feet, but before he could ask further the spirit had disappeared. The young shinigami hugged himself, belatedly realizing that the thick chains had also dropped from his body. He was perplexed, if strangely at peace despite the wet cheeks and the shuddering that refused to stop.

“What choice did you give me?” he asked to no one in particular.

 


	37. 37.

When Gin roused him Kira was afraid he had failed. After he had been reassured that Kira was fine, Gin held the blond close for a while before he pulled away to look into his eyes. The older man studied him closely, peering into Kira's blue eyes, and the young shinigami did not really know what Gin was looking for.

As if satisfied with what he saw, Gin helped Kira to stand and then asked nonchalantly, “Izuru, if you're up to it, maybe you can pay a visit to your friends. They've missed you.”

That prospect suddenly made Kira very nervous. He had not forgotten how he had treated Renji when his friend tried to speak with him. He looked at his feet, fingers twining with apprehension, and muttered, “Do I have to?”

“It'd be decent,” admonished the captain lightly. Then, as if sensing Kira's nervousness, Gin stroked the pale blond head and tucked Kira under his chin. “Izuru, they do care for you. You know that.”

“But I can't face them,” replied Kira, his voice almost a whine. “Not after how I've turned them away.”

“They are your friends, Izuru; I'm sure they understand why you did what you did.” Gin's wide smile was a little more reassuring than it had been a moment earlier. “They won't reject you.”

Kira understood that he would have to face his friends tonight, whether he wanted to or not. When Gin insisted, Kira knew he had no choice but to obey. He sighed and lowered his head in acquiescence.

“That's my boy.”

xxxxx

If Kira had not checked the date he would not have remembered, but as he had glanced at the calendar before coming out he noted that tomorrow Abarai Renji and Hinamori Momo would be full shinigami. That was why he took extra cash and, after some hesitation, Wabisuke as well.

The green kimono he had pulled on in place of his uniform was slightly too yellow in tone and made him look washed out under the moonlight, but Kira was not out to attract or impress. Perhaps it was a paranoid reaction to what he had just been through, but his pace did not slow until he had entered the Hollow's Cero. The bar was packed with graduating students and Kira smiled and nodded at some faces he recognized. A fair number of them saw him and turned away, murmuring among themselves, and a group of five that used to hang out with Asou deliberately bumped against him as they exited the bar.

“We better find a _safer_ place to drink,” announced one of them, a short female with wild green streaks in her hair. Then she added with a sneer, “Oh, look out. He's brought his sword.”

The other four chuckled nastily but left without another comment. Kira seethed but tamped down his temper. He wanted to find his friends and make amends, not get in a pointless clash with some stupid gang. Thankfully Renji was a very obvious presence. Kira navigated through the students, keeping his gaze averted; he did not want to see accusations or pity.

The group about the gregarious redhead did not notice Kira at first, but suddenly Hinamori caught sight of the slim blond and her eyes widened.

“Kira?” she whispered, as if disbelieving her own eyes. Silence curled outwards surprisingly fast as a drop of ink in still water. Every single one was staring at him or had shifted to crane their heads to get a good look at him. Renji, right in the center of things, was openly gawping.

Kira tried to smile and felt his lips move; he nodded fractionally. “I noticed that... that you're all graduating tomorrow and thought I'd like to... um.” The numerous stares were unsettling him. He cleared his throat. “But if-if this is not a good time I can, uh, I...” His words trailed off. Then he glanced down. “I should go. This is not a good – not a good time.”

“No wait.” Renij had jumped up from his seat and grasped Kira by the arm. Surprised, Kira whirled about and was even more astonished by the bear hug the taller boy gave him. “Izuru, I wasn't expecting ta see ya but if you think I'll let you go now, you're completely crazy. Come on, join in!”

Gratified by the warm welcome, Kira allowed himself to be towed into the circle and, with Renji's solid approval a shelter and a rock, did not let some dubious exchange of glances around the tables upset him. However, Kira was acutely aware that it was his presence that caused the drinking party to disperse a little sooner than would have been the case.

“Don't worry about it, Izuru,” Renji murmured under the guise of pouring Kira another shot. “They're scared of Ichimaru-taichou, that's all. It's nothing against you.”

Hinamori sipped her cup daintily. “How are you doing, Kira?”

“I'm fine,” said Kira. “I'm waiting to take the final test for the lieutenant position next week.”

“That sounds good.” Hinamori's gaze darted around the table. The rest had excused themselves as soon as they could and now it was just the three of them.

“And what about you two?” asked Kira. “Which divisions are you going to?”

Renji shrugged. “I put in an application to the fifth. Aizen-taichou said he doesn't mind having me there but tells me to be ready for a move after a couple months. I think he said something about the eleventh needing seated officers who were more than brawlers.”

“You're a smart guy,” Kira agreed. Then he frowned. “The seated officers aren't just brawlers anyway.”

“You know them?”

“I know of them, to be more precise.” Kira set down his cup. Suddenly his stomach felt very queasy. “Madarame-san and Ayasegawa-san may not have passed through the Academy, but they certainly deserve the seats they have and hold. And Zaraki-taichou isn't stupid. I've seen him – from afar – and he... well, the awesome reiatsu aside, he seems more observant than most people give him credit for. And Taichou likes him and the lieutenant as well. He visits them often.”

Renji raised a tattooed brow; he had added a few more along his neck, and they looked good. “I think Ichimaru-taichou really has a strong influence on you, Izuru.”

The blond blushed and stared at his thin, clasped hands. Because he was so busy staring, he did not see the new person who had just walked in and over to their table.

“Hey. Heard there was a celebration. Can I join in?”

Kira's head snapped up. “Shuuhei – I mean, Hisagi-sempai?”

“You know, maybe we can skip the honorifics when we're among friends, Izuru,” said Shuuhei with a faint smile. There was a ragged, angry edge to his reiatsu that Kira could feel, but the older shinigami was all smiles as he settled next to Hinamori. “If we're outside, then by all means, call me Hisagi, but here... I think we can drop the formalities.”

Renji glanced at the mute Kira and cleared his throat. He had also sensed the tense edge of Shuuhei's reiatsu. “Will you be there at the ceremony tomorrow, Hisagi-sempai?”

“I'd like to be there, but Tousen-taichou has set me to copy-editing work.” The dark-haired male sighed. “What are your plans after graduation?”

xxxxx

Renji and Hinamori were heading back to the Academy dormitories, while Shuuhei and Kira were going back to their respective division barracks. After brief hugs all round, Kira waved Renji and Hinamori goodbye, feeling lighter and better than he had in weeks. Gin was right; he had needed to see his friends again and know that they were on his side.

Suddenly Shuuhei touched Kira's hand. The blond looked over and saw that Shuuhei was smiling, somewhat sadly. “I didn't mention it earlier, but I'm glad to see you out and about,” said Shuuhei. “How are you doing?”

“I'm all right,” Kira answered truthfully. He swung his arms by his sides, trying to work off the faint buzz in his system. “I've been busy, I guess. Once I take the lieutenant test and clear it, the rest of the seated officers will just have to accept that I am their superior.”

“You know I don't mean that.”

Kira could not meet Shuuhei's eyes. His voice was very small. “I've been worse.”

“But you are better now?”

“Yes.” The younger male's lips curved tenderly. “Ichimaru-taichou has been watching over me.”

There was a silence that stretched on just a tad too long. Then Shuuhei murmured, “Of course he has. He loves you.”

“He doesn't,” Kira corrected sadly. Their footsteps had brought them to the third division first. Kira paused and sighed, before he said, “He likes me. Like... like a pet. But he doesn't love me.”

“Then why do you stay by his side?” Shuuhei demanded harshly though his voice remained quiet. Shadows hid his true expression.

“I don't know.” Kira shrugged. “It's just a place I believe is mine. He loves Aizen-taichou – that is his freedom. I am similarly free to love him.”

“I don't understand – I don't...” Kira heard Shuuhei's sharp intake of breath. “Izuru, Ichimaru-taichou isn't... I know we've been through this, but if you think that the Asou incident is the worst thing you're ever going to face, I think you'll find that it was a breeze compared to loving Ichimaru Gin.”

Kira felt ire rising and he tamped it down. He maintained a calm if cold tone when he spoke. “Is that all you have to say, Hisagi-sempai?”

“... Yes. No.” Shuuhei ran his fingers through his hair. “I... I hope you do well for your test, Izuru. And... and I'll always be here to listen. If you need me.”

He walked past Kira and down the corridor. Just as Kira was about to enter the third division premises, he heard Shuuhei add, “And I still love you. If you care about that at all.”

xxxxx

Shuuhei hated himself. He hated the taste lingering in his mouth despite the drinks he had downed earlier. He hated that he had so easily been manipulated, and all for a man who no longer loved him. He hated that son of a bitch who made use of him, of them all, without even an ounce of guilt or regret.

What he hated most was himself. He had so easily given in, so easily bent his knees and opened his mouth and let himself be used in that filthy way.

And he had _liked_ it.

“What the fuck is wrong with me?” he whispered fiercely, his fist punching a convenient wall. “What is wrong with me?!”

“You are supposed to be in bed,” intoned a familiar voice.

Shuuhei whirled around and bowed deeply. “Taichou.”

Tousen's expression was, as always, unfathomable. “You seem perturbed. Should I know about the details?”

“It's just personal matters, taichou. I'll head in now.” Shuuhei knew how little his captain's patience for non-work related stuff was and did not plan to test it. Still he did wonder very briefly how Tousen Kaname might have reacted if he knew Shuuhei had knelt in front of Ichimaru Gin for something as trivial – to Tousen – as a lost love.

xxxxx

Kira couldn't shake the feeling that Shuuhei had had a bad encounter, but he wasn't certain he wanted to find out more.

“Someone's home late,” a shadow taunted. It detached itself from the tree bordering the path to Gin's quarters. The stocky frame identified itself to Kira as Kinjo. “And guess what? Captain's not home.”

“We aren't gonna hurt you – unless we have to.” Yamanaka had to be the other one behind him. “All we want is for you to not pass the lieutenant test. You can still stay as taichou's bitch.”

Kinjo circled to Kira's left, opposite Yamanaka who had paced to Kira's right. “It's just a little thing, y'know? For what you did to disgrace the Asou family name. They have another kid graduating from the Academy in two, three years; it would be a feather in their hat to have an Asou-fukutaichou.”

Kira felt himself grow cold. He lifted his jaw slightly and asked, “What's in it for me?”

“Plenty. The Asou family will pay you a generous monthly stipend on top of your wages, and you'll still get to be with Ichimaru-taichou. I think you can't find a better deal than anyone else.”

_What are you playing at? Being a victim? Being a shell of a loser who hides behind his God?_

Unexpectedly, Kira felt a calm wash over him. Silently lowering his head, allowing his fringe to fall forward, the blond murmured something too softly to be heard by either men.

“What's that you say?”

“ _Sai_.” The simple kido spell shot out and bound both Yamanaka and Kinjo. Before they could utter the counter spell, Kira had grabbed two fistfuls of gravel and mud and stuffed it into their mouths. They tried to spit out the dirt, but as they spluttered they did not realize that Kira was striding back to the captain's quarters.

Finally Yamanaka struggled free of the bonds and freed Kinjo. “Bastard,” he spat out and swiped at his mouth. “I'm gonna make you p-”

“ _Byakurai.”_

A blast of white light shot past Yamanaka at dazzling speed, brushing by his left ear, neatly bisecting the tree where Kinjo had lain in wait earlier. Yamanaka froze. Kinjo, still getting to his feet, did not dare to move another inch.

In the weak light of the moon, Kira glared at the two seated officers. “I will be your lieutenant very soon. Give me one reason. Just one more, and _I_ _will kill you_.” The blond's gaze hardened. “I trust we will have a great working relationship from now on.”

“Y-yes sir!” Both of them actually saluted.

“Leave.”

“Yes sir!”

Kira watched them go, a strange pride suffusing his being. As he turned round he saw that there was yet another silhouette – a familiar one – and it was applauding very slowly.

Gin stood up and walked into the light. “I liked that. Very... classy.”

“Thank you, taichou,” replied Kira with a bow.

“I shall reward you accordingly for your renewal, of course,” said Gin with a wicked curl to his lips. “Shall we now?”

Kira raised his mournful blue eyes and met the slitted gaze with no fear, only anticipation. “We shall.” 

 


	38. 38.

****_He is not beautiful_ , Kira mused, observing the curve of Gin's thin neck and the sweep of his bony shoulders. As he dutifully stepped forward to remove the captain's haori and then the rest of the uniform, Kira found himself considering each part of his lover's form. _And he is also exquisitely beautiful._

The limbs were too thin, strong though they were. His fingers, in the wrong light, resembled those of a skeleton's, the joints pronounced. Skin so pale as to be nearly ash-white, and hair that seemed to be pure silver strands of silk. The curve of Gin's back emphasized its smooth planes, and Kira ran the flat of his hands lovingly over cool skin, until his fingers brushed the tattoo in the small of Gin's back. It was not a large pattern, but intricate: a vine-wrapped double spiral. Kira traced the pattern, barely hearing the gasped breath from Gin, and as if in a trance he knelt and kissed the tattoo, following the trail of ink with his tongue. He imagined it tasting different from the rest of Gin; stronger, perhaps, or more intensely Gin.

The older male turned around, placing a gentle hand on the blond's head as if blessing him. Kira gazed up into the slitted eyes, unable to see the vivid blue-green irises. Gin's face was shadowed, even as his smile had become protective and desiring, and Kira shivered.

Kira, on his knees as he removed the ties of the hakama, carefully folded the garment while the captain stepped out of it, and put it to one side before pressing his cheek against Gin's thigh, breathing in the scent of Gin's arousal. His mouth brushed along the length and his right hand reached up to cradle it, holding it close to his lips as he whispered of his devotion to the older shinigami. His lips brushed over Gin's shaft, and when the blond's tongue darted out to trace up the length there was a sigh from above him.

Naked as the day he was born, Gin nonetheless exuded power and command. Kira wondered at how different Gin was from the ideals of male beauty, and wonder at himself for comparing Gin to those ideals. The older male regarded Kira steadily, one hand still on the top of Kira's head, hardly exerting any pressure. Kira felt as open and vulnerable under the scrutiny as if he was stark naked and spread open before Gin.

In a sense he knew he was. There was nothing the captain would not do for him, except to stop loving Aizen-taichou, and because Gin would do anything for him Kira was ready to do everything for Gin. Trembling with suppressed emotion and desire, Kira leaned forward and kissed Gin's erect cock again, licking it slowly and thoroughly before taking it into his mouth, trying to convey just how much he worshiped Ichimaru Gin.

The silver-haired captain did not utter a word, only soft sighs and exhalations of pleasure. As Kira's lips slid down the shaft and his tongue swirled around the head of the arousal, Gin's fingers wove themselves deeper into Kira's hair. It was a strange tableau, Kira thought with the part of his mind that was not growing increasingly hot and impatient. Gin, standing without a stitch of clothing on, accepting the oral pleasure that fully clothed Kira gave willingly.

There was a sudden intake of air and Gin stopped Kira. “Stand up, Izuru, and let us finish this.”

“Yes, Gin,” murmured Kira, lips soft and pink with exertion. He padded after Gin and they went to the futon.

The captain lay down and folded his hands behind his head. His gaze was intense and Kira felt his ardor responding; his erect cock had been demanding attention for some time now and the look the captain was directing at Kira was not easing matters.

“I don't want to ask anything of you tonight,” said Gin quietly. “So do what you want to do.”

Kira inhaled shakily at this. He had been given free rein, and he would do exactly what he desired. He undid his hakama, letting the pants fall gracelessly and kicked them aside, and while still in his kimono sat at the foot of the futon. His eyes sought out the hidden gaze and then Kira smiled shyly.

“Could you pass me the lubricant?” he asked, voice barely more than a breath.

Gin reached a little to his left and grabbed the small jar, tossing it to Kira. The blond shrugged out of his uniform, again throwing it to one side, before he slathered some of the gel on his hand. Biting down on his lower lip, Kira started stroking his cock and made himself look at Gin while doing so.

He almost regretted it when he saw how Gin had sat up and was staring at him. The look was one of more than lust; Kira felt as if he was being devoured alive and as if to prove the point, he suddenly felt himself wrapped in Gin's reiatsu. It was a heady feeling, to be surrounded by Gin even when the man was seated apart from him. They weren't touching, but as Gin's incredible reiatsu insinuated itself with Kira's own, entwining together, Kira felt he had never been closer to the captain.

Pre-come leaked faster from the slit and now Kira played with his own juices, slicking it over his erection as he tried to keep himself from coming. The slippery substance coated his hand and the blond adjusted himself, sitting so that he could part his legs more. Maintaining eye contact, Kira let his hand slide down to his entrance and slowly pressed a finger in.

It was strange to touch himself so intimately with the silver-haired shinigami observing. He had done so before, but he had not been in full control of his faculties then, and even at that time Gin had been cradling him. When Kira added a second finger he had to bite his lower lip again, the slight pain keeping him steady. A twist of his wrist and then he was reaching deep into himself, his fingers curling curiously, trying to seek that elusive spot.

And then he found it, the electric jolt of sheer pleasure dancing along his nerves. Tenderly removing his fingers to slick his hands up more, he noticed how intent Gin's gaze on him was. The captain made no sound, even though it was evident that he was very aroused by the show Kira was putting on for him.

The blond shinigami took a deep breath and relaxed his muscles, his fingers seeking out his prostate unerringly. As he prodded and massaged the sweet spot he cried out, lashes fluttering madly with the effort of trying to keep his eyes open. Perspiration beaded over his chest and his mouth was dry; he tried to wet his lips and was reduced to a whine as his hand moved as if independently of him. The pleasure spiked and Kira's head fell back, a strangled keen trapped in his throat while his fingers thrust obscenely into himself.

Abruptly his wrist was gripped and his hand pulled away. Kira next felt himself yanked forward and then Gin was kissing him, kissing him so forcefully that Kira could taste the blood from inside his lip when the older man had locked their mouths together. When they parted for air, Gin grabbed the lubricant from behind Kira and slicked up his own cock.

“I correct myself,” he hissed fiercely, and pushed into Kira after guiding himself to Kira's entrance. “I do have something to ask of you tonight.”

“What's that?” Kira whimpered, trying to adjust to the stretch. His fingers tightened on Gin's thin shoulders and he moaned when the captain shifted his position.

Gin grabbed Kira by the chin and forced the blond to look him in the eye. There was no amusement or facetiousness in Gin's expression now. “You will never do that in front of others, you hear me? You will do that only for me. Only for me. I will not have other men see you like that.” He inhaled deeply and brought Kira's face closer. “Have you done that before with Hisagi?”

The possessive tone scared and thrilled Kira. “No, never,” he gasped, his posture tensing with anticipation.

“Good.” Gin licked his lips, his fingers tight and then relaxing. He breathed against Kira's mouth. “Now ride my cock until you can't move any more.”

Kira obeyed.

xxxxx

xxxxx

 

The lieutenant potential evaluation was less stressful than this.

Kira stopped right at the gate, Gin beside him, and the younger shinigami had to take a deep breath before he knocked on the age-darkened wooden door. The gateway creaked open and an elderly man peered out. He saw the Gotei regalia on Gin and Kira, and then he bowed politely. “I shall inform the lady of the house.”

“Th-thank you,” said Kira. His fingers clenched against his palms, Kira willed his heartbeat to slow. He had not visited for so long, and after the Asou experience Kira was not certain he wanted to face his aunt ever again.

The presence of his captain both reassured and aggravated him. Gin had not said why he wanted to come along, and Kira didn't feel comfortable raising the issue. The manservant materialized again and directed them down a familiar and strange path; Kira found himself counting steps.

 _Easy_ _now,_ he told himself. There was nothing he had done wrong and he had made something of himself – he was a lieutenant now. He should hold his head high.

His aunt was as rigid and stiffly formal as ever. Kira bowed low, according the respect due her status, and then kept his eyes on the ground. “Good afternoon, aunt.”

“It has been some time since you came,” she said. “And this must be your captain. I am honored by your presence, Ichimaru-sanbantai-taichou-sama.”

Even with the excessive formality, Gin was unfazed and merely inclined his head briefly. Kira's aunt indicated the seats for them and the manservant appeared again with a tray of drinks and snacks.

“Thanks but I'm not hungry,” chirruped the captain. He seemed inordinately cheerful, a complete contrast to the dour matriarch and the subdued Kira. The older shinigami was peering around, leaving his seat to examine the displays and looking out over the garden. “Ne, Izuru-kun, didja learn howta garden from yer aunt? Cos this is a beautiful garden she has 'ere. Nothing like what we has back in the division, a'course, but not bad, not bad at all.”

Gin then stepped out, presumably to explore the garden. Kira shook his head. He was torn between hilarity and mortification by the thick Rukongai accent Gin had put on, and settled for staring fixedly at his knees. He could feel the disapproval radiating from his aunt at the captain's bad manners.

“Um, ma'am,” he spoke quickly to forestall a scene, and quailed when her disapproval was redirected at him. “I-I've come to, uh, to inform you that-”

“I know,” his aunt cut his stammering off coldly. “I'm arranging it already. Once she agrees, I will inform you of the time and place.”

Kira frowned and looked up. “Who's 'she'? What are you arranging?”

“An apology,” said Kira's aunt. She narrowed her eyes. “You have again disgraced the name of our family. His father might have disowned him, but his mother's grief is not so easily dissipated. You caused them to lose a fine son-”

“-who bribed others to do violence on his behalf and inflicted hurt on your own nephew.” The smooth voice was Gin's, and there was no hint of any accent now. He came into the room and, despite its spaciousness, Kira thought the captain filled it with his presence. Gin stared long and hard at Kira's aunt. “And you are one pathetic bitch. Come, Izuru.”

Before he really registered what Gin had said to his aunt, Kira had risen to his feet. Only when he was about to move to Gin did he realize the insult thrown in his aunt's face.

The old woman was livid with fury. “I showed you the respect due your station,” she began, but was again interrupted by Gin.

“You should then show the lieutenant of the Third division the same respect. Kira Izuru has been nothing but a credit to his name, and you see only what you want to see. Izuru, come!” he commanded. The blond swallowed nervously and padded to Gin's side, waiting for further orders. Gin regarded Kira's aunt scornfully and said, “You plainly do not know how to treat Izuru properly. If you weren't his aunt, I would have taught you a lesson in abject humility.”

“Taichou!” Kira protested weakly.

“And Kira is too sweet to seek redress for the wrongs you have heaped on him,” continued Gin. He ruffled his lieutenant's hair in a fond manner, before sweeping out of the room. When Kira appeared to hesitate, Gin frowned. “Izuru-kun. You know what I expect of you.”

“Yes taichou,” Kira responded hurriedly, before bowing an apology to his aunt and then scurried after Gin.

xxxxx

“You were too docile back there,” Gin muttered.

Kira said nothing as they walked back to the division. He was not sure what should have been said.

Gin suddenly halted in the middle of the path and whirled around on his newly-minted lieutenant. He grabbed Kira's arm and shook the blond lightly. “Don't you ever allow anyone to put you down like that again,” warned Gin. “Never. You are _my_ lieutenant, and you will take pride in it.”

“Yes, taichou,” answered Kira promptly.

“And never apologize to those such as her,” Gin added. “She is such an ungrateful, biased hag!”

Gin's words made Kira uneasy – he did not want his aunt to be humiliated, but when Gin was in such moods there was little anyone could do to ameliorate the situation.

xxxxx

Time passed.

Kira's promotion came just before Renji and Hinamori's acceptance into the fifth division, though Renji was moved out almost as quickly into the eleventh. The redhead had not complained though; he had found a mentor of sorts in Madarame Ikkaku, who was teaching him how to fight, and in addition to his native grace Kira also saw how Renji's reiatsu strength multiplied, a side benefit to living alongside Soul Society's strongest fighters. Hinamori took the tests for lieutenant position about a month after Kira was promoted, and she got her wish: working beside Aizen-taichou daily. Her small stature by no means defined her power: she easily took down the third and fourth seats of the fifth in an exhibition match in just five minutes.

As for the relationship between Gin and Kira, it deepened past the point where Gin had to verbally instruct the blond lieutenant what to do. Kira could anticipate – up to a large part – Gin's orders, and often made sure Gin never had to utter a word. The troops were well-trained, and none dared to say that Kira slept his way to the top. There was no one vying with him for that position either. Gin would not even consider another, and Kira's efficiency and understanding made him the perfect choice for the inscrutable Ichimaru-taichou.

But Kira worried at the soured bond between Gin and Aizen. What used to be hidden longing and concern for each other and become outright hostilities; Gin often rubbed the fact that Kira was completely devoted to him in Aizen's face, while Aizen's continued dalliance with Ukitake (an open secret; Ukitake had, on more than one occasion, asked Aizen directly if the dark-haired captain would be staying overnight) irked Gin no end.

Kira never tried to offer words of comfort. He relied on his body. If Gin took some measure of relief from Kira's body, then the blond would offer himself completely to Gin.

 


	39. 39.

There was a flurry of workshops for seated officers after some recent incursion into the human world. Apparently the humans had come up some newfangled notion of “business efficiency” and “profit maximizing”, and the enterprising ladies of the SWA were adapting the concepts as best as they could into the shinigami realm. Of course the SWA was turning a nice profit off holding the workshops, especially since the female shinigami leaders were the ones conducting the sessions.

Kira was on his third workshop, this one about Effective Utilization of Resources and Facilities. It was not his idea to attend it; Gin had been hounded by Ise-fukutaichou and Kusajishi-fukutaichou until he offered Kira as a sacrifice. The silver-haired captain signed Kira up for all the courses which were meant for “captains and/or lieutenants”, while Gin himself stayed in the office, presumably doing paperwork.

Kira had pouted about it, which led to some fantastic apology romps in the bedroom, but the blond lieutenant still firmly believed that the time spent on the workshops could be better used by _doing some actual work_. At least his time was compensated with good food and drinks at every tea break.

The morning tea break was welcomed by the lieutenants – Gin was not the only captain to throw their lieutenants to the wolves. The only non-lieutenant was Ayasegawa, and that was only because, he claimed, “Zaraki-taichou thought I could brighten up everyone's day”.

Kira had snorted inwardly at the vanity. It had been fun, though, watching the man preening in the reflective windows and shooting barbed comments at the mild-mannered presenter. After an hour Isane fled and Matsumoto took over, and Ayasegawa had a field day trading sarcastic remarks with the busty beauty. Everyone else had just enjoyed the show.

“That was a fucking waste of time,” commented Iba idly. “Thank goodness Matsumoto-san is here. We'll never get anything done otherwise.”

“I suppose now that Ayasegawa-san has his verbal sparring partner, he feels better about being here,” Kira suggested with a sidelong glance at the dark-haired fifth seat lounging in a chair. “You know the eleventh: they don't feel good unless they're in a fight.”

“True.” Iba grinned before heading toward his former team mate.

As Kira pondered over which sweet bean pastry to pick, he caught a familiar faint scent. He smiled – had his lover come to pay a visit? Looking up from the snacks, Kira peered around for Gin.

Then he frowned. The only person near him was Hisagi, who apparently had just turned up from rushing the latest issue of Shinigami Weekly.

“Hi Kira,” said Hisagi as he walked over. “What have we covered thus far?”

“Just the basic group norms and...” Kira suddenly trailed off. His brows furrowed. “Shuuhei, can we talk outside?”

The scarred shinigami frowned. “Why?”

“Outside, Hisagi-sempai.”

“I don't think we should-”

“ _Now_ , Shuuhei.”

The blond grabbed Hisagi's wrist and tugged him away from the snack trays, out of the room, and then pushed him into a wall. Kira could feel a sick feeling rising from deep inside him. “Shuuhei, do you know you smell of him?”

“Of who?” Hisagi's eyes darted away from Kira's blue gaze, his hands suddenly fidgeting with his clothes.

“Don't play dumb. You smell of Ichimaru-taichou.” Kira stepped closer got into Hisagi's personal space. He sniffed and then his lip curled. “You _reek_ of him.”

Hisagi shoved Kira away from him. “Don't.”

“Don't what?” asked Kira, feeling anger beginning to simmer.

“Don't come near me. Stay the fuck away from me.” The brunet was beginning to get angry too; his cheeks were flushing a dull red.

Kira shoved Hisagi in the chest with one hand. “I should say the same of you,” he snarled. “How did you get his scent on you? Did you approach him? Did you go to him and renew your old romance? What the hell did you do?”

“I did fucking nothing!” Hisagi snapped. He gripped Kira's wrist and tugged him in; to the casual observer they would be in a close embrace, but there was nothing intimate about the words Hisagi said. “I did nothing. You tell your captain to stay the fuck away from me. You want to know how I got his scent all over me? Ask him.”

Shocked by the implications, Kira pulled out of Hisagi's hold. He glared in disbelief. “You lie,” he said at last. “You're lying. Gin would never-”

“Ask him. See if I’m the liar. Do you honestly think that I want to be fucked by him? He's a hypocrite and two-timer, or maybe three, or maybe you're just one of his many toys that he litters around-”

“Shut up!” Kira hadn't realized that his control had snapped until his fist crashed on the wall next to Hisagi's face. “Gin's not like that. He's not. You must have seduced him – you've done it before-”

“-I don't ever want to feel his hands or any part of him on me ever again,” Hisagi bit off icily. The humiliated rage in his eyes stung Kira far more than his words. “I don't want him to come near me, but try telling a captain that does whatever the bleeding fuck he wants that. So please, Kira Izuru, now that you know he's not the angel you think he is, tell your lover to stay the hell away from me, or the next time he forces his cock in my mouth, I will bite it off.”

With that Hisagi stormed off, apparently to get back to the workshop. Kira was left standing in the back of the building, the morning sun just starting to burn up the day with its heat.

 _It can't be true... can it?_ Kira could not stifle the soft voice of doubt in his head. He wanted to run to Gin now and check, but what if he found that the captain was not there? What if he _was_ there? Why would Hisagi lie about this when it was obvious Kira would not be going back to him? But Gin... Gin was fond of Kira, and he wouldn't... would he?

Suddenly Kira felt his limbs go numb and cold. He knew.

_Yes. He would._

xxxxx

Kira sat through the workshop as far away from Hisagi as he could manage in the small room. Thankfully his reiatsu sensing talent translated reiatsu identities as scents; the sheer number of lieutenants in the workshop meant that Kira had to completely shut away that particular ability.

It didn't thaw his attitude towards Hisagi, however, and the older shinigami also ignored Kira pointedly when they were dismissed for the day.

Kira stormed back to the division barracks, grabbed his spare robes and headed straight into the baths. Maybe some cold water would ease the tempest roiling within. Yet he knew that he would need far more than that to process the revelations that Hisagi had flung in his face.

Gin – Ichimaru Gin, who had fought for him, killed for him – Ichimaru Gin, whom Kira loved and slept with – Ichimaru Gin was having a sexual relationship with Hisagi Shuuhei, who had loved Kira and whom Kira had tried to love.

Icy water did nothing to unravel the tangled thoughts. Kira's head pounded with confusion and fury, and somewhere in the cacophony of emotions were also the hot bitterness of shame and guilt. He scrubbed viciously at his arms and legs, ignoring how his vigorous actions threatened to break the skin on the latest scars on his limbs from the most recent encounter with hollows.

“And here I thought you were gonna head home and wait fer me to bathe with you.” Gin's familiar drawl drifted into the bathroom. Kira turned around, knowing that if the captain was here then the showers were closed to the other division members. Gin was particular in that respect.

“Taichou,” said Kira quietly. They were not at the captain's quarters yet; Kira would not allow himself the luxury of the intimate name. “I wanted to freshen up and get some work done before I returned, that's all.”

Gin sauntered in, his long robe fluttering as he moved. “I wondered why you didn't even bother coming by to tell me you've returned. Felt your presence in here and thought, hell, a free show would be nice.”

“In cold water? That's not likely to happen, taichou,” Kira said, and resumed his bath. It was strangely clinical, despite having his lover watching him complete his washing up, but Kira could not find the words to broach the topic.

Finally, after he had toweled dry and had pulled on a clean uniform, Kira returned to the office with Gin leading the way. The silver-haired shinigami had said nothing at all after the first exchange in the baths, and now the atmosphere was slightly strained between the two. Officers, seated and unseated, hurriedly bowed to both as they walked through the division. The glances accorded Gin were fearful, while those that brushed over Kira were mostly respectful yet distant.

Once the door shut, Gin locked the office down. Then he angled his head slightly and regarded Kira with an unnerving stare.

“What is wrong?”

Kira swallowed. Of course his odd behavior would not go unnoticed. Briefly he considered lying, but the lieutenant knew better than to dissemble. He bit his lower lip and said, “I heard something distressing today.”

“Oh?” The raised eyebrows made Kira more nervous.

The blond took a deep breath. “Shuuhei said... He said you are forcing him into having sex with you.”

For a wild moment Kira hoped Gin would deny the claims and get angry. Instead, Gin merely smiled, the curl of his lips cruel and malicious. The older male tapped his lower lip and pretended to consider.

“I bet his words weren't that polite,” he said at last. “And I bet he made a threat against me. Which he didn't have the balls to tell me to my face. Am I right?”

Kira's heartbeat stuttered and his mind reeled. Sinking into his seat, Kira looked at anywhere except at the man he loved. It took him some time before he muttered, “Yes. You're right.”

When he looked up in front of him again, Gin was standing right before him. Kira realized with a sinking feeling that Hisagi's scent was all over Gin too. The captain bent forward, his hands resting on the back of the chair, pinning the blond to his seat.

“You seem upset. Are you jealous?”

The younger male peered up at Gin, perplexed that the question could be asked at all.

“Did you think that I am yours? Did you assume that I am a faithful man?”

Kira's mouth opened and then shut. He _had_ assumed, but Kira knew that Gin hadn't been faithful and monogamous to Aizen-taichou either, and Aizen-taichou was the person Gin loved more than anyone in the world. He inhaled sharply, closed his eyes and then replied softly, “I had hoped that you would... that I would be enough for you.”

Gin chuckled. He pecked Kira on the lips and murmured, “You're a great person to share a bed with, dear Izuru. But darling... I need something dark sometimes. A bite. A spark. A flame that threatens me. You don't have it.”

“I don't have it?” Kira eyes shot open. He stood, narrowly missing colliding with the older shinigami. “You've never even tried! You assumed that I am soft and weak and will give in without a fight, a battle, without defiance, without resistance? You – you go out coercing Hisagi Shuuhei – Hisagi – you know fucking well that he has a thing for authority figures, that he – how the hell did you force him – what did you say to him?”

As if startled, Gin had backed away a few steps. “What do you think I coerced him with? What leverage do I have over him, Izuru dear?”

“... I don't – I don't understand.”

Gin laughed, almost in a gentle manner. “You've only ever been the one he wants, darling. I don't know about any 'thing' he has for authority figures, but he has only ever wanted you.” Gin licked his upper lip. “He let me fuck him because he thinks that by doing so, he protects you from my darker side. And thus far, it's working.”

The blond lieutenant studied the nonchalant stance, the admiring if mocking gaze, and suddenly Kira lunged forward and grappled Gin to the wall. He pinioned the older man and kissed him ferociously until he tasted blood. Withdrawing slightly, Kira was surprised to see that he had split Gin's lower lip with the force of his kiss.

The captain smiled enigmatically. “What are you trying to prove, Izuru?”

“That I can take your darker side,” whispered Kira. “That I want your darker side. I am jealous. I am _terribly_ jealous. I’m not jealous that you slept with him. Or fucked him, whatever. I’m jealous that you showed him a side of you that I didn't get to have.”

In an abrupt whirl, Kira felt his shoulders slam into the wall when Gin reversed the hold. The quicksilver captain hissed, lips hovering just over Kira's, “You have no claim on me, Kira Izuru. Don't you even dare try to demand what you have not earned.”

“I will earn it,” Kira promised through clenched teeth. “You said I am willing to take anything you dish out. How do you know that? Have you tried me?”

“What are you saying, Kira-fukutaichou, hmm? Are you telling me to try everything on you that I can think of?” Gin's teeth were at the blond's jugular, inching up to burrow under his right ear. “And if you say no, Kira-fukutaichou? If you reject my shadow, my bloodlust, my darker urges? The side of me that wants to humiliate and flay you, the side of me that thrives of pain and rejection and despair? Will you admit that I’m right then?”

Kira leaned his head back, exposing more of his throat. His breath came out in a slow, shaky stutter.

“I won't say no,” he promised, his voice a mere whisper. “I'll never say no – but you have to promise not to go to someone else to vent, that only I get it all.”

The older shinigami pulled away and studied his subordinate with a mildly condescending smile. Gin shrugged. “Is that the deal? I fuck you up whatever way I want, and in return I fuck up you alone?”

“In the crudest terms, yes,” said Kira. His gaze was burning. “I offer you all of me – in exchange for all you can give me.”

Gin bared his teeth. “Fine. Strip, go on your knees, and stay here for the night. If you shift even an inch from where you are, our deal is off.”

The blond lieutenant stared at Gin incredulously, before his resolve firmed and he tugged his belt off. “In case of fire or other emergencies? May I escape?”

“Unless life-threatening emergencies occur, you will kneel here naked and wait for me to give you further instructions.” Gin's smile had turned almost venomous with glee. “I will observe your resolve, darling Izuru. If, by tomorrow morning you have not moved from this spot, I will honor that agreement. Otherwise, you will never assume you have any claim on me or my time. Or my body.”

“When you return and I’m still here, what do I get?” Kira responded. He shivered as cold night air hit his thin body.

“What do you get? Gin placed a hand on Kira's cheek and leaned in, his mouth brushing Kira's forehead. “We'll see. Have a good night, darling. I’m looking forward to tomorrow.”

 


	40. 40.

Black and white and shades of gray, washed out colors of a monotone world.

Nothing felt real, and Kira could sense his thoughts running into each other as the hours wore on.

Kira stared at the pattern in the hardwood floor. It was not possible to make out the grain pattern at this hour of the night; only pale moonlight shone into the room, filtered through the rice paper windows, and Kira felt his focus dissipating and regathering.

 _I have to stay here_. The lieutenant kept telling himself that as his bones screamed at him and his body shook violently with the chill. Every shudder threatened to break his resolve; every agonizing spike from his legs pleaded with him to give up.

He stayed, letting his mind wander along half-remembered paths. Hisagi's plaint was no longer his concern; he cared nothing for that man; he wanted Gin to only, only ever look at him, at his devotion, and give Kira everything Gin had to offer.

Why had Hisagi's accusation affected him so? Kira could not quite put words around his thoughts, but he knew it was rage and jealousy that had prompted Kira to confront Gin.

 _:Darkness infects, wretched twisted thing.:_ Kira's zanpakuto cackled. Wabisuke was taking entirely too much delight in the situation. _:You are breaking into fractured little pieces and no one can ever put you back together again. You... are turning into me.:_

Kira remained resolute and silent. His tongue felt thick in his mouth and he wanted water, something to wet his lips and throat with. He could hear the far-off sounds of shinigami in their beds or going about their business on patrols; he could hear low murmurs of his subordinated passing by outside the office. At any time they could open the door and they would see, they would witness Kira's humiliating submissiveness to Gin, and Kira would still not move an inch from that spot.

He had to wait for his captain. He had to wait for his captain.

_I have to stay here._

xxxxx

When the sun rose and light stole inch by inch into the room, Kira knew his body was about to fail. There was an ache in his lower back transmuting into a numbness throughout his legs. His hunger and thirst raged at him for the extended non-activity and his mind was nearly delirious with lack of rest and the surfeit of mental turmoil.

The door creaked and shut. Kira was not even able to look up at the man who walked in, but on hearing the silky voice crooning an approval, Kira mastered a faint smile. “I'm still here.”

“Darling Izuru. You are such a wonderful, obedient boy. I'm proud of you,” said Gin, effortlessly scooping Kira up in his arms. Kira let his head roll against Gin's shoulder, trying to hold back the whimpers of agony as his legs unfolded from their cramped folds, and pressed his mouth into the skin he found there.

Kira agreed dazedly and smiled as Gin managed to wrap some fabric about him. He needed to sleep – he was not really able to concentrate on the here and now – but if Gin wanted to spoil him, then Kira would remain awake for that.

Gin called something out the window, but Kira did not give a damn what the captain told their subordinates as long as Gin could get to the pampering as soon as possible. The silver-haired shinigami tutted at Kira's impatience when the blond said the same, but allowed a few kisses before taking the young lieutenant to their bedroom.

Carefully Gin set Kira in the large bed, went to run the bath before returning, and smoothed blond hair from blue eyes, the lashes sticky with unshed tears. The captain's touch was absurdly tender. “You did well.”

Spasms shot through Kira's thighs and calves as muscles protested the previous night's abuse. “So... so can I ask you to-to...” The lieutenant panted harshly, trying to ease the painin his legs without further movement. “I can... You will only p-play with me? Only me? You will let yourself be – be free with me?"

"Of course. You will always be mine, darling, and only mine," Gin assured easily, bending close to let his cool breath dust over Kira's ear. "You will learn what it means to be my possession, darling boy, so don't let me down, alright?"

“I won't. I will never let you down,” Kira promised, fingers clutching the thin sheets with fierce determination.

“Good boy.” Gin kissed Kira on the cheek and whispered, “There will be some rules. And you will always, always obey.”

Kira inhaled sharply and let his breath stutter out with relief. “Yes.”

xxxxx

By the time Kira was fully awake and rested, he had been massaged, oiled, caressed and stroked into pliant delight. Gin was lounging next to him in a thin robe, seemingly having forgotten that it was a work day, and was playing with Kira's pale golden hair.

“Gin,” whispered Kira. “Do we have an agreement?”

Gin smiled and trailed his hand over the younger shinigami's bare back, drawing lines with his fingers. “I don't want to hurt you, dear boy. I might end up hurting you too much.”

“I don't think you can hurt me too much.” The lieutenant nuzzled closer to Gin and his arm looped languidly around Gin's waist. “What are you gonna do, leave me alone?”

“You never know,” chuckled Gin, and if his next kiss was shifted from gentle to dominating Kira was too wrapped up in the intensity of the sensations to care about the strange undertones of Gin's words.

xxxxx

If he thought he was just going to be Gin's sexual submissive, Kira soon learned that Gin expected kira to follow in all things. The first night after Kira's legs had recovered, the silver-haired captain had spent an hour and a half with Kira in conversation, negotiating the rules of their new liaison. Kira listened and agreed with most of the new rules, far above and beyond that of the code of conduct of a lieutenant or even a mere shinigami, but he had no compunctions obeying all of them.

Kira and Gin told no one else of the slight alteration in their arrangements. For Kira, it was more than a satisfied desire.

It was sheer liberation.

He was beginning to understand, more than any of his peers in Seireitei, what it meant to be devoted, loyal and _His._ To accept that he had to defer to his captain's decisions was not difficult; to accept that the decisions were made _for_ Kira was exhilarating and terrifying.

Of course, Gin had his little games to play, and he tested Kira's obedience almost immediately.

When Gin came back after the meeting with Yamamoto-soutaichou, the captain seemed quite cheerful. It was supposedly a private disciplinary session, so Kira was quite perplexed by the upbeat demeanor.

Still, even when Gin started quizzing Kira on the rules they had set, the blond did not ask Gin to clarify. Then the older shinigami tugged Kira close and said, “I now have some errands for you.”

“Yes taichou,” said Kira.

“Go look for Hisagi-san,” he went on, not heeding the faint surprise in Kira's eyes, “and offer him... Tell him you're sorry what happened to him. And then kiss him – with tongue – and go home to wait for me."

Kira could hardly believe his ears. He was Gin's, wasn't he? Or was Gin testing him on rule number two?

“What are you supposed to do, darling Izuru?” Gin prodded.

After a momentary hesitation, Kira repeated the order, "I am to go to Hisagi-san, and... and kiss him, wi-with tongue, and go home to wait for you."

“Good.” The smile on Gin's face encouraged the lieutenant slightly. Gin raised his eyebrows and inquired, “How do you feel about my order?”

The younger male swallowed nervously and tried to find the words. “I-I feel that... I-I feel that it is odd for you to let me kiss another man." He nibbled on his lower lip. "I feel... I feel like I'm merely a sort of apology for what happened to him. And I-I, um... some small part of me wants to do it. To kiss him.”

“There. That's honesty.” Gin held Kira's hand tightly and said, “It is not an apology. It is a reminder. And you are going to kiss him, and come home and wait for me to do whatever I wish with you.There might be something special if you do what I ask you to well."

xxxxx

Hisagi was checking the final run of that month's issue of Shinigami Weekly when Kira turned up.

“Kira,” the other lieutenant said and put away his clipboard. “What is it?”

“I'm sorry for what h-happened,” said Kira. He took a deep breath. “And um. I...”

Though there were about five to six other shinigami in the room, Kira still reached up and grasped Hisagi by the back of his neck. Before the dark-haired lieutenant could figure out what Kira wanted, Kira had already pulled Hisagi forward and pressed their mouths together.

It was a strange kiss: without passion, yet with much fervor, Kira slipped his tongue into Hisagi's mouth and tasted there Hisagi's flavor, familiar and exceedingly odd at the same time.

When Kira withdrew, his cheeks were aflame, and he dashed away.

Hisagi touched his lips. “What on earth...?” Then he saw the expressions of his subordinates and scowled. “Back to work now.”

xxxxx

Kira ran all the way back and the second he stepped into the captain's quarters he was set upon by Gin. The older male sucked greedily on Kira's neck and soon moved to the blond's mouth, drinking in Kira with hungry pleasure. When Gin finally pulled away from Kira, he murmured, “You smell of the printing presses and taste of him. Good boy.”

“Thank you, Gin,” Kira responded, trying not to betray his eagerness and failing.

“Let me reward you now,” Gin remarked, and proceeded to disrobe and ravish Kira right at the door.

xxxxx

xxxxx

 

One fallout from the entire debacle was that Aizen-taichou and Gin were no longer on friendly terms. Though Gin had not said much about it, Kira found out that Hisagi had gone to Aizen for support and that had led to the complaint lodged against Gin. On one hand, Kira knew how much it had hurt his ex-lover to have had to cave into Gin's bullying. On the other hand... Gin. It was Gin, and Kira would side with him in all areas.

Aizen-taichou choosing to support Hisagi had been a betrayal of sorts for Gin, and the younger captain now took vicious pleasure in showing off Kira to Aizen whenever captains and lieutenants were in the same venue.

Gin would draw Kira close, whisper lewd suggestions in his ear to make the blond blush or stammer, and all these actions were put on display in front of the older captain. Kira felt a little guilty, because he loved it when Gin muttered to Kira to commit public acts of indecency while holding him close like a lover. Things like “get down and suck me off in the office later while I go through performance reviews” or binding Kira elaborately under his uniform made the lieutenant acutely aware that Gin must have been doing such things with the older shinigami, and now Gin was transferring almost all his affection to Kira.

The only thing that Kira never got from Gin was a confession of love. The three words never passed Gin's lips, and only from that omission did Kira understand that the silver-haired captain never stopped loving Aizen Sousuke.

It hurt, but whenever Gin drew patterns on Kira's back with a loving scalpel the emotional pain receded, and Kira let himself drown in the fantasy.

xxxxx

“You seem happy,” remarked Hinamori one afternoon after they had concluded a training session with the academy juniors. Now that they were lieutenants, both he and Hinamori were often tasked to run workshops or trainings for future shinigami. Other lieutenants also did the same. These were often excuses for divisions to begin courting the potential shinigami into their divisions if they found anyone outstanding.

Kira blushed shyly and muttered, “It's nothing important.”

Of course he could not tell the girl that the latest scar above the curve of his ass was just starting to itch beautifully, and the restraint on his penis was just a reminder of how long before Gin would allow Kira to provide pleasure for the captain. It would scandalize Hinamori Momo, her innocence and wide-eyed worship of Aizen a reminder to Kira of earlier, less difficult days. But now Hinamori was looking at him strangely, so Kira diverted her attention by asking after her friend, Hitsugaya.

“He's doing great!” said Hinamori brightly. “He's finishing up the advanced course on kido, and-” here her eyes darted from left to right conspiratorially “-and his sword is Hyourinmaru.”

Kira goggled. “No way.”

“Trust me, it is. The captains are keeping it quiet, and I’m not supposed to noise it about since taichou only told me because Shiro-kun is my friend. I think they're considering starting a Fourteenth Division just for him.” Hinamori looked very proud of her childhood companion. “He's probably going to apprentice as a captain for a bit with one of the more experienced ones – I think he'll be learning from Kyoraku-san, I hope he doesn't pick up bad habits – before they test him out as a lieutenant.”

“Wait. If he's being considered for a captain's seat that means he's...” Kira's voice died down as his surprise grew. “No way. You mean he's already-” Kira forced his voice to a mere whisper “-already attained bankai? He's so much younger and newer to his powers than we are!”

Hinamori waved aside that consideration. “We all know that reiatsu strength has nothing to do with age or experience, Kira. I mean, look at the woman in Karakura. She has at least the reiatsu strength of a fourth seat, and she's merely human. It boggles the mind, true, but she's proof that anyone can become strong.”

“I’ve seen that report,” remarked Kira. “Her name is Ohara Masaki. I can't figure out why her reiatsu is so dense though. It's not as if she works with dead people and encounter shinigami on a regular basis to build up her exposure and resistance.”

Hinamori only shrugged, but a mischievous glint had appeared in her eyes. Kira thought of asking her for details, but decided that perhaps ignorance was wiser in this situation.

xxxxx

“How did your day go?” asked Gin, seated in his chair at the office. The doors were locked and the windows shut, so Kira found it a little stuffy, but Gin probably had his reasons.

Kira told his captain, pausing when it was gossip about Hitsugaya, but reasoned that Gin probably knew anyway given that Gin was also a captain.

True enough, the silver-haired shinigami gave no sign of being surprised or even impressed by the young man's alleged accomplishments. Gin leaned back in his seat and asked, “Have you met him?”

“Once, taichou,” Kira replied.

“Your impression of him.”

“Um, he is rather... aloof? He's not like Renji or Hinamori, who comes up to you and gets to know you,” said the blond, feeling rather nervous at the suddenly interrogatory tone of the conversation. “Hinamori was the one who set up the gathering and asked all of us to go – all of us being myself, Renji, Hisagi, and five other friends from her division – and, um, Hitsugaya didn't seem very comfortable being with so many people at once.”

“How does his reiatsu smell to you?” asked Gin quietly.

Kira paused, trying to recall the scent of the white-haired prodigy. Finally he came up with the appropriate descriptors. “He smells like lotus, and spring melt, and for some reason watermelons. Oh, and a taint of blood. Very, very faint, right on the edge of perception.”

Gin took it all in with an unsmiling face, and Kira wondered what was the reason for Gin to want Kira's perspective of Hitsugaya. When Gin spoke next, however, it had nothing to do with the prodigy.

“Izuru, darling, I want you to show me that the restraint is still intact,” he said, a smile beginning to form on his thin lips. “If it is, then I will have you please me very properly tonight.”

 


	41. 41.

Kira was sinking rapidly into a world inhabited solely by him and Gin, and he knew it wasn't healthy, but for the life of him he could not bring himself to care. It was _good_ , good to have Gin spending hours in the evenings, locked together in the captain's bedroom, utterly at the older man's mercy. Kira had been taught to behave exactly as Gin preferred, and the lieutenant was relishing all the little triumphs and praises that Gin accorded him.

As he knelt before Gin, eyes blindfolded, mouth and hands occupied with pleasing the captain, he could sense a satisfaction wrap closely about him. He basked in the sensation and put in more effort, hollowing out his cheeks as he sucked and licked, heedless of his own burning need; Gin thrust shallowly into his mouth and Kira moaned in delight. To bring such pleasure to the man he loved – this was what he craved. Kira had surprised Gin when Gin wanted to reward him for scoring a great work review from Kuchiki-taichou.

“Shouldn't a reward pamper you?” Gin had asked, amused and pleased.

“It should,” Kira had replied shyly, and snuggled close to his captain. “So if you could allow yourself to be pleased by my mouth and hands while I breathe in the scent of your sex, I shall be very, very pampered.”

“Hmm.” Gin hadn't taken long to acquiesce, and they had been at this for the past half an hour, Kira drawing out the moment until Gin's desire had been pushed to the edge and then he would ravish Kira in all his merciless desire.

Kira never quite understood why he much preferred rough and violent sex with Gin over tender lovemaking, but to have Gin dominate him completely, to surrender and be vulnerable to Gin in all ways satiated Kira far more these days. He was aware that, should his friends knew about his preferences, he would be counseled, advised, pleaded with; he knew Renji would struggle not to interfere, he knew Hisagi would blame the Asou incident, he knew Hinamori would be horrified and run to Aizen-taichou for 'help'.

He therefore kept himself away from them. He kept a watchful eye on them, of course: he could never quite give up his relationships. But Gin took up his days and his nights, barring the occasional evenings when Gin went on one of his long walkabouts and left Kira alone in the captain's quarters, or the infrequent midnight jaunts he took after he had fucked Kira boneless into the futon or the wall or the floor or, on one memorable incident, in the hallway.

Now, he made sure his tongue explored the paths it remembered from previous times, the tip pointed to flick over a sensitive vein, to push at the salty-bitter precome beading on the tip, to trace filigreed patterns over the velvety skin of the scrotum. Gin's breathing grew heavier, thicker; he took the hot length into his mouth again, rubbing the head of Gin's cock against the hard ridges of his palate, sliding down, down until his entire mouth wrapped about Gin.

“Pull off,” snarled Gin, his usual courtesy gone.

Kira obeyed immediately and the blindfold was torn away. His vision was still blurred when Gin pressed their mouths together for a deep kiss, tongues entwining and plundering, before the older male dragged Kira to his feet.

“Come up here,” ordered Gin, his hidden gaze more compelling with the accompanying smirk, and Kira slid his knees into the spaces on either side of Gin's thighs.

The chair was sturdy – they had done this before – but getting into position was not the easiest of tasks. Gin gave him some help, holding the blond's slim hips to steady him, and then Kira lowered himself cautiously. He was still loose from the previous night's activities, but the burn was still present.

“Go on then, darling,” urged Gin, tilting his chin up for a kiss that Kira gave willingly. “I wanna watch you come, Izuru darling, I wanna watch you lose all control.”

“Yes,” breathed the younger male, “yes, sir.”

xxxxx

At the next captains' meeting, Kira met Hinamori and Hisagi at the waiting room. The other two kept darting glances at him, but Kira assiduously avoided their gazes. He was still relishing the sting of the new series of bite marks Gin had left across his shoulders, the bites too shallow to scar but the pain was a reminder of the last evening. He was leaning against a wall, hiding from the sunlight, keenly aware of the ache left over from Gin's passion, and was reading the latest issue of Shinigami Weekly. Then he frowned.

“There's no mention of Kurosawa-taichou's leaving,” he muttered, leafing through the magazine.

“They didn't mention it back when Urahara-taichou or Shihouin-taichou left either,” put in Ise who was standing next to him. “It's a specialty of Soul Society, didn't you realize?”

Kira regarded the scholarly lieutenant. “What do you mean?”

“Seireitei. Kyoraku-taichou has noticed it.” She met his blue gaze squarely. “You seem like an observant person too.”

Kira lowered his voice. “You mean they deliberately ignore such things? A captain left his post!”

“People forget fast, here in Seireitei,” she answered equally softly. “Especially if they cannot deal with the fallout of the problem. When the captains Urahara and Shihouin left, there was no announcement, but there were rumors. In the space of half a year, no one even mentioned their names. Why do you think that is?”

“There were new captains,” said Kira slowly. Then he frowned and added, “And because their leaving was in secret. Since it wasn't in print, there was no need to follow up and there was no reminder of their existence beyond memories.” He paused, and finally said, “And memories fade over time, especially if there is continuity in the form of new captains.”

Ise looked at him in frank admiration. “Taichou was right,” she said at last. “You are the kind of shinigami to watch.”

“Um...”

“He means it as a compliment,” said Ise with a brief smile. “He doesn't give many, really.”

Kira wasn't sure what to make of that. Ise seldom interacted with other lieutenants, so he had to assume that Kyoraku-taichou had said something to affect her impression of Kira, and she had to verify for herself. Still, Kira had an uneasy feeling that Gin might not be too pleased at his talking with Ise.

The bell rang for the end of the meeting. The various lieutenants filed out to meet their captains, and were caught up on what the lieutenants had to do to assist the captains in the month's new directives.

Before Kira met up with Gin, he saw Aizen-taichou who was speaking with Ukitake-taichou, and both seemed to be in a fairly good mood. Behind them, Gin was glowering, even though there was that usual smile on his pale, pointed face. Gin made no sign for Kira to go over, and Kira hesitated because Zaraki-taichou had come up to Gin and was talking to him.

Hisagi halted beside Kira. “Are you alright?”

“I am,” said Kira. “I don't think he is.”

Looking over, Hisagi scoffed lightly. “Is he never going to get over Aizen-san?”

“Would you be able to?” snapped Kira. His tone stopped Hisagi in his tracks. “Not everyone can 'get over' someone they love, Hisagi-san. Some of us do have long memories and feel more deeply than others.”

The dark-haired lieutenant studied Kira's expression for a beat, then said, “You ought to know, don't you?”

“I wasn't in love with you,” Kira reminded coldly.

Hisagi's smile was thin. “I know.”

Kira held back his biting retort, then softened his stance. “How have you been?”

“Well enough,” said Hisagi. “I saw Ise talking to you. What about?”

“She mentioned something about this week's Shinigami Weekly.”

“You might want to talk to Renji soon also.” Hisagi touched Kira's thin hand. “He's been training too hard with the Eleventh.”

Kira raised his brows. “And why would he listen to me?”

“Because you're his friend?”

“I know why he's training hard, Hisagi-san. He's not going to stop just because I said anything to the contrary,” Kira stated baldly. “What drives him is a cause far too great for me to dissuade.”

“He'll work himself into an early grave then.”

“He knows the risks,” said Kira. “Renji's not stupid.”

Hisagi wanted to say something more, but Kira saw Gin's signal and hurried off without even a goodbye.

xxxxx

“What was that discussion about?” asked Gin as they strolled back to the office.

Kira said, “Hisagi asked me to check on Abarai.”

“And why?”

“He said Abarai had been working too hard, taichou,” replied Kira. They turned into the main office and drew out the patrol schedules.

Gin picked through the files, pulling out a few incident reports to vet through, and then remarked, “I need you to conduct the spot checks on our human-world shinigami on patrol. Do it on Thurday night. We have four agents in Nagasaki, I believe, so get the actual coordinates from the files before you head out with my badge.”

“Yes taichou.”

“When you return I expect a comprehensive report.”

“Yes taichou.”

“For now, I want you to tell me what you and Ise were talking about.” Gin's voice dropped to a sudden whisper. “Back in our room.”

Kira had no idea how Gin knew of his conversation with Ise; the captains were in a meeting, weren't they? However, Kira obediently trotted to the office and shut the door. His heart was pounding, and though he didn't do anything against his training he felt vaguely disturbed, as if he had broken some rule.

When Gin came in and locked the door, Kira knew he had done something wrong. Yet he did not dare to speak until the silver-haired captain asked, “Why did she approach you?”

“She wanted to share something her captain said about me,” Kira replied honestly. His knees were trembling.

Gin stalked around Kira until he was standing just behind the younger man. “And what was his keen insight?”

“That... that I am observant.”

“He's been watching you then.” There was ice in Gin's tone, and even though Kira knew it wasn't directed at him, Kira couldn't help feeling threatened. Gin sniffed. “He's been watching _you._ The very temerity of it.”

Kira swallowed and said nothing. His lips were dry and he nibbled them nervously, his fingers clenching on his uniform involuntarily.

“I don't like that someone else watches you,” remarked Gin quietly. “Not when you are _mine_.”

Kira lowered his head, thrilled and terrified. Gin could do anything to him when he was in this state of mind, and the truth of the matter was that Kira would let him. He swallowed again, uncertain if he should respond.

Gin slipped his deceptively thin arms around Kira's waist, trapping his arms to his sides. “I don't like thinking that I’m jealous of such a small matter,” he remarked, voice soft as honey. “It reflects so badly upon me. So, Kira Izuru, what do you think I ought to do about that?”

“I... I don't know, Gin,” responded Kira shakily.

“Hmmmm....” Gin's tongue traced the outer shell of Kira's left ear, and then the older male whispered, “I'm going to have to take the bull by its horns, don't you think?”

“I-I'm afraid I don't understand, Gin.”

Gin released Kira abruptly and ambled back to his desk. “No worries. You will, one of these days. Oh, and grab the expenditure reports for the past two weeks. Zaraki-taichou claims that we've been using their booze budget instead of our own, so I’m going to need a copy of theirs too. Go and get their recent expenditure reports, won't you, darling? It's either Ayasegawa or Abarai who is handling their accounting, because I dread thinking that Yachiru had any say in their spending, and I’m gonna use hard data and shove it in Zaraki's mouth and shut him up before he terrorizes my people into buying him sake.”

xxxxx

It was Renji who was dealing with the money in the Eleventh Division, and he was efficient and quick about giving Kira copies.

“Hey,” Kira said as he was about to leave, “Hisagi said you've been overworking yourself.”

“Have I?” Renji's smile was ragged around the edges. His skin had an unhealthy gray pallor and his vibrant aura was dimmed. The signs were all there – Kira felt a pang in his heart. He knew why Renji was doing all this.

Kira tilted his head. “It's a distant dream, Renji. Don't kill yourself trying to get to it.”

“But a guy's gotta try, right?” asked Renji rhetorically. Then he smiled more warmly. “Don't worry, Izuru. Ikkaku-san is watching out for me too.”

“That's good.” The blond turned to go. The Eleventh might be uncouth, boorish louts, but they were like a band of brothers.

“Oh, and Izuru?” Renji called out softly.

Kira turned back and regard Renji.

“You look... you look good.” Renji scratched at the side of his nose, embarrassed. “Like, I mean... like you're happy.”

Gratified, Kira smiled back at his best friend. “I am.”

xxxxx

Whatever Gin had to do to stop Zaraki from random accusations of booze money stealing Kira didn't know, since he was swamped in observation forms and busy with observation details. However, after he returned on Friday morning and was about to start on the reports, Gin dragged Kira out for a picnic.

Kira had no clue why.

It was evident that Gin had prepared the picnic basket in advance, because all the snacks and drinks were ready and waiting in the office when Kira reported in. No sooner had Kira put down his observation data did Gin drag him out to a grassy hillock and spread out a grass mat for their meal.

“Are we going to get in trouble?” asked Kira while setting out the food.

“Darling, would you relax?” Gin sighed and popped a grape into his mouth. “You're on a good weather break now. Enjoy it.”

Kira smiled. “I've never heard that before. What are good weather breaks?”

Gin pulled the blond closer and made him place his head in Gin's lap. It was lovely, relaxing and peaceful; Kira allowed himself to sink into the serenity of the moment.

“You take a break when there's good weather like this,” said Gin distantly, his fingers trailing through Kira's blond locks.

The lieutenant's brow furrowed. “Don't we have work?”

“Izuru, lovely,” sighed Gin with an amused, resigned grin, “we're shinigami. We will never stop working, unless we are at war, and even then the paperwork will be waiting for us when the fighting's over.” He smiled down and touched Kira's nose. “Good weather days aren't permanent, darling, so why not enjoy them when we can? The sun, the breeze, the fresh smell of grass, a lover with you... it just doesn't get better.”

The look in Gin's face told Kira everything that Gin probably didn't mean Kira to know. Still Kira didn't call Gin out on it, instead choosing to focus on the butterfly which fluttered near and then over his face.

“Do you know how very precious you are, Izuru?” he asked softly.

Kira blinked and stared blankly at Gin. He shivered when Gin's fingers caressed his cheek, before the same hand slithered down and rested against Kira's chest.

Gin continued, “My jewel of winter sunlight.” How did I ever deserve you?”

Kira had no answer for that, so when Gin nudged him off onto the grass mat and then followed with lying over Kira, the lieutenant had no words to say other than a breathy protest of them being outdoors.

“And that's a problem because...” Gin's eyebrow quirked and the smile turned just a hint short of outright teasing. Kira started to say something when the older male started moving his hips, grinding against Kira, and that fizzled out his synapses for a second or ten. Gin leaned down and whispered, “Come _on_ , darling. No one likes a wet blanket.”

“But we – oh gods, that was good – What if someone sees us?”

“Then,” chuckled Gin, “they see us.”

The kiss that followed effectively erased all protests from Kira, and the blond wondered briefly if it would be too much to ask for the rest of his days to be spent with his captain. Even if the captain was still fervently in love with another, and had no space in his heart for Kira Izuru.

 


	42. 42.

Kira never quite knew how Gin could manipulate him into the most embarrassing situation ever, but at that moment he could not bring himself to care.

Right now he was keeping himself from climaxing – for the third time, and Kira was about to swear, he knew he wouldn't be able to hold back much longer and it was _cruel_ of Gin to do this to him, cruel and necessary and so fucking good when he would finally be allowed to come – and Gin was taking his own time with seeking out pleasure spots all over Kira, as though this was only their first time making love.

“Izuru, lovely, open your eyes,” urged the silver-haired captain, his lips cool against Kira's heated skin.

Kira obeyed, still biting back his moans as instructed, and in the lamplight he couldn't quite tell if Gin was smiling or just baring his teeth. The older shinigami rolled his hips and Kira shuddered, forcing himself to think of icy cold showers and maybe pink elephants, or mauve snakes or something that wouldn't spike the heat deep in his loins.

"Look at me, darling," the captain coaxed, his thumbs kneading over Kira's hipbones and shifting him to a sitting position. "Look at me."

Kira adjusted his posture accordingly, hands still holding his thighs apart, and looked into green-blue eyes that, in the golden light, were pools of darkness. Kira wanted to sink into them, wishing that eyes were something he could kiss and love like he could for the rest of Gin's body.

Gin's breathing was heavy, his grip almost painful. “Now say it.”

“Gin,” whispered Kira, his tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth, “please fuck me.”

 _It's about power, and here... you have the power to accept and to deny me._ Gin frequently gave Kira the freedom to decide how he wanted Gin to take him. It was frightening at first, but because he knew that Gin would have enjoy anything that Kira offered of his body, Kira learned to treasure the responsibility. Sometimes he asked Gin to fuck him, sometimes he would present his mouth, sometimes just his hands, and sometimes he would take Gin between his thighs. And Gin always took great pleasure in forcing Kira to a mindless mess of desire and lust before he made Kira choose.

“That's a good boy now,” murmured the older male. The head of his cock finally slid into Kira, and slowly, steadily he pushed into the wet, welcoming heat. Kira could feel the stretch – he wanted to feel the _burn._ It would be so good to have that reminder of it tomorrow, to know how completely he was under the control of his captain.

Lost in sensation Kira didn't realize he had closed his eyes, and only when his captain bit him on the collarbone did he remember to keep his eyes open. He apologized, and Gin accepted it, thrusting lazily into Kira as they rocked towards satisfaction.

Then, on the heels of an utterly debauched thrust, Gin muttered, "Darling, there's something I want to discuss with you."

“Now?” exclaimed Kira on a gasp, his sight sparking at the edges as he verged on the edge of becoming undone.

"Yes, now."

"Oh gods, Gin- I can't think-"

Given the way the captain grinned wickedly, that might have been Gin's intention. "Y'see, I've been thinking that I want to watch you come apart with pleasure," he whispered, his lips playing over Kira's ears. "I want to see how you slowly lose that tight control over your body, over your mind and your lust. I want to observe the way you relax into yourself and then become rigid with desire. I want, oh darling, so badly to watch you lose yourself."

Kira wanted to fucking _die_. He loved Gin's dirty talk, because so much of what the man promised came true often, and Gin often startled Kira during their walks with explicit details of what Gin wanted to do to Kira even while maintaining his polite, nonchalant swagger.

Of course the captain was not done turning Kira's brain to mush. "To see you move your hips like you're burning for it, lovely, to see you fuck yourself on a hard cock, to take your pleasure in your most demanding way. I want you to be bound and gagged and begging for release, to be utterly submissive to another, to be so vulnerable that you can't even breathe without crying. I want you, darling, so badly, to show how much you will follow my lead."

The blond shinigami was entirely unable to process thoughts by then. Everything Gin was saying was a jumbled collection of syllables. Every roll of the older male's hips was wrecking Kira, and all he wanted was to be allowed to give in to the white-hot pleasure dancing across his skin.

"I want to watch you being fucked in your face, lovely, I want to watch you sucking cock like you'll die without it,” groaned Gin, thrusting powerfully into Kira. “I want to watch you spread your legs like the best whore in the land, like you can take anything, darling, like you fucking will _burn_ if you don't ride yourself to your orgasm, like you can't wait to have a cock in your ass so that you can ride your lover into utter bliss."

Kira cried now, the tension of want coiling in his gut the only thing tethering him to reality; Gin's voice and words swept through him, sizzled in his veins.

"Fuck, Izuru, I wanna... I want to hear you scream as you take it as hard as is possible, I want to overwhelm you, overwhelm you with sensation, I want you to drown, fucking _drown_ and beg to _die_ when you come, I want you to come so good that you pass out, and I want you to feel yourself being fucked awake, like your hole is the most perfect place in the entire fucking world and there's not a single reason, no fucking reason to let you go. I want... oh gods, I want you to be blind with passion and lust and just, fuck, just-"Gin tensed and his hand sought out Kira's cock, blindly, and stroked with clumsy fingers, and the younger male matched his lover's climax, screaming into the blind night.

After they had caught their breaths, Gin went on with his topic, "Anyway, as I was saying, I'm hoping for a chance to watch you being fucked."

"You want to... you want to watch me?" For a second, Kira was confused. "You don't mean to say that..."

"A threesome, lovely Izuru, is what I mean," Gin confirmed. "I want to watch you being prepped by someone else, watch you fray at the edges until you're a total mess, and then I want to watch how you come from just a cock in your arse."

Kira's cock was beginning to be interested again, but he had to wait a little longer. "But you-"

"And then I'll fuck you, darling, before you can even come down from your high I'll fuck you again, and drive you to greater heights," Gin whispered, sliding closer and hugging Kira about the waist. "I'm not going to force you into it, Izuru, but I want you to think about it, hmm?"

"Who will be the third, if we do, um..." Kira wondered how to explain. "I mean... I-I can't imagine doing this with..."

"With a stranger?"

"No, I mean, I can't think of doing that with someone we know, in Seireitei." Kira finished, flustered. "I-I can't ever look at someone in the eye again after... I mean, with _you_ it's different, perhaps, but I can't... I can't."

"So you'll consider it if I find a handsome man for us away from Seireitei?" he asked casually, nuzzling into the blond's hair.

Kira swallowed and hesitated, before he said, "Or maybe... if-if you want, if you want... if you want, Gin... I c-can look for the third man."

It took almost ten minutes before Gin spoke again. "Go and look, darling, and we will take our pleasures together."

xxxxx

The captain had made love to him with a deep sense of urgency, but the kicker was the confession that he wanted a third person to join them.

Right now Gin was deeply asleep, curled on his side facing away from Kira. The lieutenant slipped up close and rested his cheek against the smooth space between Gin's shoulder blades; it was cool and the scent from the older male wrapped about Kira.

 _Is this not enough for him?_ The blond shut his eyes tightly, willing the thought away. No, it wasn't; he was aware that Gin had never really been one to stay faithful, and it had been a minor miracle that Kira had been satisfactory for him thus far. The captain had... odd... tastes, Kira censoring the words even in the privacy of his head, and there were times Gin seemed to hold back even though Kira often begged for Gin to lay everything on him.

But to include a third person, a third man, in their bed, to be laid bare and to allow another man access to his body... Kira shivered delicately with both the fear and the thrill of the idea. He wondered how it would go: Gin watching from another part of the room while Kira spread his legs for the third man (amorphous and vague; Kira couldn't decide if this man should be large and muscular or slender, like himself); Gin thrusting into the third man while Kira impales himself on an unfamiliar cock; Gin holding him down while the third man took his pleasure.

The blond shivered again. Even in his ruminations, Gin was the one in power. It made sense. Kira smiled faintly when Gin turned over and looped the younger shinigami into a sleepy embrace.

 _Just this is enough,_ Kira thought, breathing in the warm scent of his lover. It scared him, sometimes, that he could and would do anything for Gin's approval, but there was always, always the warm affection of his captain when he had done it right that made it all worthwhile.

And now Kira turned his thoughts to the third man. He had no idea why he volunteered to locate their third party; he wondered what sort of man would please Gin. In a sense Kira understood that the suggestion had been a kind of test, and to have volunteered to find their third man Kira had certainly passed the test well.

Now to pass the next test: to find a partner that would satisfy Gin.

Kira honestly had no clue where to begin. Certainly Gin liked the more extreme aspect of dominance and submission, but Kira doubted the captain would want to have Kira demonstrate submission to another. Yet would Gin desire someone who would be gentle and kind?

Puzzled and plagued by the thought, Kira drifted into uneasy sleep, and even when he woke he was no closer to an answer than he had been the night before.

xxxxx

As days passed Kira found himself accosted often by Ise Nanao. She would drop hints of different sorts that Kyoraku-taichou wanted to speak with him, to befriend him, and each time she approached it was at a moment when it would have been downright impossible for him to leave. Initially Kira thought he was just being suspicious, and then the suspicion turned to fear that Kyoraku-taichou was about to try to wrest Kira from his captain because of some hidden vendetta.

Gin knew of each encounter, somehow. Perhaps it was Kira's expression after every forced conversation with the eighth division lieutenant; Gin did not like that Ise was “cozening up” to Kira, as he put it, but he was never around when she was (or maybe it was vice versa) so he could not dissuade it outright.

Kira never said much beyond the usual pleasantries. He knew Gin didn't like for him to converse with others while he was not in range, and to try to _make_ Gin unhappy was something beyond Kira. Yet the attempts never quite stopped until a chance encounter.

Years later, Kira would question if it had been a good thing or bad that he had to witness the incident, and even after many sleepless nights he would not know the answer.

That afternoon Gin was away on a mission with the fifth, seventh and nineteenth seats, leaving Kira to hold down the fort at Seireitei itself. Reports that unknown incursions were occurring all over Soul Society were sent to the divisions. Technically Gin ought to have Kira with him, but Gin reasoned that if the lieutenants and captains were clustered at one trouble spot, then they leave all other areas vulnerable. Kira was to be the secondary line of defense. He had organized the remaining officers into teams of four, each playing to his or her strengths, and they were waiting for more summons. The sixth division and tenth division were out too, so Kira was just biding his time with paperwork. The numbing regularity helped him focus (although Gin did tease him often for it) and he was out in the main office, listening to the reports from the hell butterflies sent hither and thither.

“Incursions have stopped,” the eighteenth seat officer called out. “The teams that have been sent out are doing clean-up.”

“All right then,” announced Kira, getting to his feet. “We'll return to our regular duties. Akiyama, Satou, distribute the tasks that were to be done today. Norikazu, prep the dossiers for today's reports; they're to be on my desk by tomorrow noon. Yoshida, you and Tsukino make a run to the Fourth, stock up on our antiseptics and bandages just in case, and then take your teams on Seireitei running. Move it.”

The officers moved. It had taken time for Kira to assert his leadership, and it had been very difficult initially when they saw him as merely a favored plaything, but Kira had proven himself a strategic thinker and a fierce fighter. What endeared him to their eyes was, however, the fact that he would intercede for the men if Gin wanted to punish them for slight transgressions. Of course, they never mentioned the cries they heard from the captain's office after such intercessions; they knew what Kira was trying to do.

The only error that Kira would never speak up on behalf of was when anyone bad-mouthed Gin. Anyone insulting the captain, even if in jest, would find himself facing a cold, vicious lieutenant on the sparring grounds, and there had already been three bruised, battered and lacerated officers who requested transfer. Gin granted them their reprieve.

As the blond shinigami walked into the captain's office to place a document on Gin's in-tray and to pull out some of Kira's own files, he suddenly caught the sound of movement up on the roof. Surprised and curious, Kira ducked into the narrow wardrobe for the captain's spare robes and masked his reiatsu.

“Careful Nanao-chan, we don't want anything to break now, do we?”

 _Kyoraku-taichou?_ Kira was perplexed.

The person who climbed in the window was Ise, followed by her captain. Kira drew his reiatsu in completely, hoping that the remnant traces of his daily presence would mask anything that the formidable captain could sense. He made sure he breathed evenly, slowly; holding his breath would be unwise, since he wasn't certain how long they would be here.

Before he could think of a plan, the room darkened abruptly. Kira blinked and peeked out the narrow gap in the door. From what he could see, Kyoraku-taichou was tapping something on Gin's table and there were sounds of some large mechanism locking into place.

The two officers were muttering something to each other in voices so low, even Kira could not hear them in the completely silent room. If he extended his reiatsu he might catch some of the conversation but he was not certain he ought to risk it.

“That's it,” Ise said quietly, walking into Kira's narrow view. “That's the anomaly. The injury and the corresponding sudden fall from grace, from lieutenant and girlfriend to a mere-”

“Hush.” Kyoraku-taichou took Ise by her arm, alert and looking nothing like the usually indolent captain. “I can feel him. Ichimaru's back. Get out.”

Kira almost gasped and managed to stifle his reaction just in time before he made a sound. The light returned to the room, the heavy mechanism of whatever it was returning to its place, and the two officers disappeared from Kira's view. However, the lieutenant dared not move, just in case they were still in the vicinity, and only when Gin emerged into view did Kira dare to relax his control over his reiatsu.

“Kira Izuru, are you planning to ambush me?” asked Gin, not turning around even when he sensed Kira's presence. “Because if you are, you had better be naked and prepared for me. I _am_ riding an adrenaline high, and would like to ride you too.”

Though this was an entertaining and delightful suggestion, Kira was too worried to take it as a command. He came out of the wardrobe and hugged Gin, before telling the captain everything he had just seen.

Gin's face was a study in stillness. Then he smirked. “Thank you, darling. Now get naked and over my desk before I tear your uniform off. And make you file a report about the damaged uniform.”

xxxxx

Boneless and relaxed on the floor of the office, Kira had to protest when Gin picked him up and carried him to his chair. “Can't I just sleep there?” he whined, too sated to even grasp at his lover's shirt, his fingers splayed over Gin's chest.

“And get sore limbs, backache... Sure, Izuru lovely.” Gin smirked and kissed the lieutenant soundly. “Rest, darling. I will be right back.”

Kira did nap for a few minutes and when he woke up, it was well into dusk. Kira groaned and tugged on his uniform. He had to finish the paperwork for the day or it would all pile up. As he sorted through the mess on his table, he pulled out a few papers that were already done and were waiting for Gin's seal. Walking over to his captain's table and placing these documents in the in-tray, Kira then noticed the grass-woven cricket that was partially hidden by the brush holder.

And then Kira knew who he had to approach for the threesome. He just had to find a way to broach the subject.

 


	43. 43.

It took every ounce of Kira's courage to walk to Aizen-taichou's place, and as he waited he rehearsed the words he was going to say to the captain. He understood that between Gin and Aizen-taichou there had been a relationship that Kira could never hope surpass, but at this moment he didn't want to supplant Aizen-taichou; he wanted to be part of it.

It scared him a little, the depths of his emotions. Somewhere in his mind he knew he was very sick. A healthy relationship shouldn't involve cutting into your partner's skin, it shouldn't involve being tied down and fucked repeatedly, it shouldn't involve becoming completely obedient to one person's whims and fancies.

But he and Gin did all that, and Kira had never felt happier.

No, happy was not the word. Contented. _Fulfilled._ Kira felt fulfilled.

He heard the footsteps before the shadow, and he braced himself for what had to be the most awkward conversation he had ever had with the genial captain.

"Aizen-taichou,” he greeted and bowed deeply.

Aizen-taichou seemed surprised and opened the gate quickly, asking, "Is there something you wanted, Kira-san?"

"I would like to speak with you, Aizen-taichou." Kira inhaled slowly and then added, "It's quite private."

"So I gathered, else you would not have come after office hours," said the captain. His reiatsu was dense, Kira realized with some irrational dismay.

The lieutenant trailed after Aizen-taichou into the main room, and as he sat down he wondered how he ought to broach the topic. Finally he decided that honesty was the best way to go. After all, Gin couldn't possibly the way he was if Aizen-taichou wasn't also somewhat like that too... right?

"Please, Aizen-taichou, may I speak freely?" he asked after he took some tea. It was finely brewed; no wonder Gin hated the tea made by the lower seats, and only drank from the pots that Kira made. After all, Kira had been taught – to excruciatingly exact steps and standards – the Art of Tea by his aunt.

"Yes indeed."

Kira let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. Finally he said, "Aizen-taichou, Gin – I mean, Ichimaru-taichou – has-"

"-you call him Gin in your own time, and I do the same. There is no need to be that formal."

"Yes, Aizen-taichou." Kira began again and said, "Gin has asked... I mean, Gin indicated that he wishes a... He wishes to engage another man in our lovemaking."

Kira's cheeks flushed deeply and he stared at his hands in his lap, suddenly hoping that the ground would open up and swallow him. But the words were out there, waiting and huge and ringing with potential and dread, and Kira could only wait.

Eventually, Aizen-taichou said quietly, "How does that concern me?"

The lieutenant was flustered. He had a vague idea why Aizen-taichou was the best option, but he didn't expect having to explain it to the captain. "H-he has me as a bedmate, but he loves you. And... and since he desires a third man to b-be part of... I-I want to please him with the selection of a third party that he will de-definitely feel a connection to, feel l-loved by. Not a mere physical joining." Kira hated his nerves, hated the stammering, because it made him sound unsure, but then again if Aizen-taichou persisted in playing dumb then the whole thing was moot anyway.

Aizen-taichou took Kira by his chin and made him look up. He was smiling, but the expression didn't reach his brown eyes. "You are making assumptions of affection on my part."

Kira held the gaze. "I am, Aizen-taichou, but can you honestly state that you do not still love Gin?"

"I do still love him," replied the captain. "Are you not worried that he'll come back to me?"

The lieutenant smiled sadly, knowing the bitter truth: "Aizen-taichou, Gin never left you."

Kira took the small woven cricket and placed it on the low table before him. Its bright green hue seemed to mock Kira, its vibrancy at odds with the mute heartbreak inside the young shinigami. He loved Gin, who loved Aizen-taichou, and this was Kira asking Aizen-taichou to join them in sex. No. To join Gin in lovemaking, which is merely having sex with Kira.

"He gave the first one to me while we were on a walk," marveled Aizen-taichou, picking up the little ornament and smiling with fond reminiscence. "He's never forgotten to replace it, but I never once saw him do so."

Taking a deep breath, Kira buried his heartache and bowed to the captain. "Aizen-taichou, would you please be... please join us, for one evening?"

After a long minute, Aizen-taichou finally said, "On the night after the bankai demonstrations to the Gotei, come with him to the meditation room you used that time. I will secure that room for all three of us."

Kira thanked him and walked out the gate, wondering all the while why his heart was still intact, and why he couldn't stop loving Gin.

xxxxx

The wait was interminable and at times Kira thought he would beg Aizen-taichou to not be the third party after all. Sometimes, when Gin slid into Kira and the younger shinigami looked up into the shadowed, silver-haired captain's face, Kira would consider asking Gin to not want the threesome.

He could not ever get the words out. He could not. Even the mere idea of denying Gin the pleasure of something he wanted so much tore at Kira, and finally the lieutenant went to his parents' graves and begged their forgiveness.

“I know you wanted much more for me,” he cried hoarsely, kneeling in front of his father. “I know you wanted me to shine, to be an honor to the family, but I can't. I’m sorry, Father, I truly am. I can't honor the family name, I can't shine like a light. I am not a light, Father, Mother, I am a shadow, hiding in deeper shadows, and Gin knows me. He knows me, and he knows how much darkness is in me. He is everything to me now.”

There was only reproachful silence, and Kira stayed there until night fell, cloaking him in thick darkness.

xxxxx

Eventually that night came. Kira organized every detail in a half-dazed state. Part of him dreaded what was coming, and part of him relished the delight and pride Gin would have in his planning this out. He tried to straighten the sheets but was unsuccessful. Aizen-taichou, who was watching, took a seat near the blond.

“You fear me,” he stated baldly.

Hearing it aloud eased Kira's erratic thoughts somewhat. He tensed, thinking that the captain would scorn him and reject the proposition. He exhaled and answered, “Yes. I fear you, because you are so important to him.”

Aizen-taichou smiled faintly and said, “Don't lie, Kira. You fear me for other reasons.”

“I-I... I’m sorry. I didn't mean-”

“Why do you fear me?”

Now Kira nibbled his lower lip in concern. How honest should he be? He was going to be naked with this man in a while. He was going to be fucked by this man – his heart skipped a beat, in terror or in anticipation? - and he needed to get this off his chest.

“Because I know the reason Gin does all the things he does to me,” said Kira in a low voice, brutally honest and hating himself for it. “He does all the things he does to me, because you used to do all those things to him.”

To his surprise Aizen-taichou did not deny it. He smiled and tilted his head in a winning manner. “We did have rather exotic tastes, which probably seem quite extreme to you.”

“And you hurt him.” It was a statement of hope, really, because how else can Kira explain what he himself was going through?

“No.” Aizen-taichou was serious. “We used pain to drive us to greater pleasure. And... Kira?”

Kira withdrew slightly, a crease appearing on his brow.

Aizen-taichou's fingers touched Kira's chin, made him look into serious, warm brown eyes. He smiled and murmured, “It was never one-sided, young man.”

xxxxx

Gin's arrival made Kira's heart beat faster. His palms dampened and he scrubbed his hands on his clothes. Then he mutely connected with Wabisuke in his mind.

_:What do you want?:_

_Shut down my thoughts._

_:What?:_

_I can't be thinking. If I’m thinking, I can't do this._

_:You chose to do this, Kira Izuru. You see it through.:_ The spirit was eminently unhelpful and disappeared.

Kira opened his eyes in time to see Gin gesturing for him to join them. Gin held Kira and beamed happily. “Izuru, darling, do you mean what I think you mean? Is this who you want?”

Shy and pleased by Gin's Kira returned the smile. “I know you love him. I-I want you happy, Gin. I want you to be happy and I know you trust him and I think I can... I think I can trust him too.”

“You are a darling, my boy. You are amazing and sweet and I adore you.” Gin kissed Kira and the younger shinigami glowed with pride. Gin looked over at the other captain. “Aizen-taichou?”

Aizen-taichou smiled. “ Call me the way you always call me when we are alone, Gin.”

Gin held out a hand and Kira wished suddenly that he was not nervous about this. His extremities felt cold and clammy, so he forced down the nerves, missing out part of the conversation between Aizen-taichou and Gin, catching only: “...Kira comfortable with that?”

Kira looked from one to the other, inferring that they had been discussing who was to lead the action that night, and stammered, “I would prefer that... I'd rather Gin lead, please. I’m not saying that I don't like you, Aizen-taichou, I just-”

“-feel more comfortable with Gin. I understand.” Aizen-taichou patted Kira on the head, like a cherished pet. “So. We are at your mercy tonight, Gin. How do you want us?”

“Wild and often,” Gin said with a happy smile.

Kira rolled his eyes, and met Aizen-taichou's equally exasperated gaze. _So we have that in common, at least._ With that, Kira decided to shut away his apprehension and let desire take the reins.

xxxxx

Other than a brief moment of hesitation and struggle when Gin wanted to turn Kira around and show his back to Aizen-taichou, Kira immersed himself fully in the experience of being taken by the two captains.

Gin's milk-white skin shone in the golden light from the bronze lamps, and as he moved over Kira the lieutenant reveled in the familiarity of every touch and caress. Aizen-taichou was different: more deliberate, more considered, more thoughtful, each contact calculated to heighten Kira's physical pleasure. There was no doubt that Gin had learned from a master; Kira swooned as he leaned back into Gin's embrace, his body responding enthusiastically to Aizen-taichou's confident and expert moves. The older captain had slicked up his fingers and slipped them into Kira after Gin's earlier preparation, patiently spreading Kira wider and looser for them both.

The lewd, wet sounds and the dark-haired man's intense gaze kept Kira on the edge. How could he ever have thought that Aizen-taichou was mild-mannered? The things he was doing with his fingers and his lips and his tongue were driving Kira mad.

“Look at Aizen-sama,” Gin crooned into Kira's ear, “look at him. He wants you too, so much.”

Kira looked down, vision blurring at the edges, and that was when Aizen-taichou chose to take Kira in completely to the base. Kira could feel the tip of his cock hit the back of Aizen-taichou's mouth and there was a rippling pressure that echoed up every nerve. Kira tried to restrain himself but was foiled when his prostate was firmly prodded. Aizen-taichou twisted his hand, the slick wet sound resoundingly loud in Kira's ears, and that snapped his control. He threw his head back and cried out as he came, but tried vainly to wrestle control of himself; Gin hadn't given the order.

When Kira blinked the tears and sweat from his eyes, he saw Gin licking sticky come from Aizen-taichou's fingers, and the tenderness and love in Gin's eyes stung a little. He was still hard, though, even after the first round, and that ought to persuade his captain a little. Kira licked his own lips and whispered, “Gin? Can we please...? I n-need, I need this, I can't-”

“Hush, love, we're going to prepare you, darling, we'll take it slow now.” Gin nuzzled into Kira's neck and Kira squirmed. “I don't wanna hurt you. I want you to enjoy this, to savor this present you're giving me. Gods, Kira Izuru, you are so sexy now, so perfect. You found the perfect man for us, darling, you are amazing and gods I want you right now. Aizen-sama, can we? Can we have Izuru now?”

“Not yet, lover,” said the older captain calmly, as though he didn't have his hand buried inside the blond. Kira wondered what Aizen-taichou wanted to do when the brown-eyed man ducked his head low; the query was answered when the lieutenant felt a slick wetness move from over his entrance.

“Aizen-sama, please,” Gin begged.

“Izuru, are you ready for us?” Aizen-taichou lifted his head and smirked. Without his glasses and his trademark gentle smile, this man seemed to be an entirely different person. Kira couldn't put a name to the tingle that spread over his lower back whenever he met the older male's gaze, but he had an uneasy premonition that this was the real Aizen-taichou, the one that Gin fell in love with.

Carefully, Kira exhaled and nodded. Aizen-taichou had him straddling Gin, and it was with a pleased smile that Gin pulled Kira close and kissed him. Kira and Gin both gasped and breathed out harshly in tandem when Gin was directed into the blond lieutenant's body.

The youngest shinigami flexed his fingers, feeling both excited and fearful, and was oddly discomfited by how easily his captain had entered him, without the usual mild stretch and burn. Aizen-taichou hummed approvingly. “Lean back a little, Gin,” said the dark-haired captain. “Izuru, I need you to breathe slowly and deeply, slow and deep, and tell us if it hurts, all right?”

Kira nodded once more, and waited, forcing himself to breathe slowly and steadily. As his lower back made contact with Aizen-taichou's skin, he felt the nudge of another cock breaching his entrance and he buried his face in Gin's hair. He trembled, his body rejecting the intrusion of someone who was not Gin; his thighs shook while he forced his mind and pulse to slow, tried to force calm on himself.

The silver-haired captain was nibbling on Kira's ear, his teeth and tongue playing over the shell and earlobe. Kira whined, suddenly wanting the entire encounter over with, wanting to scrub the sensation of Aizen-taichou from his skin, wanting to scream and cry and forget the entire evening ever occurred. It was too late and he could feel the older shinigami's breath on his neck, the heat of Aizen-taichou's body pressed against his skin.

“Too much, Izuru?” asked Aizen-taichou.

“No, no,” Kira answered, hating himself for it, hating Gin for just that split second for wanting this. “Just... unexpected. Odd. It's... it's more than I thought.”

Gin purred in a consoling manner and rubbed his cheek against Kira's face. “Wait till we are both completely in you, darling. It'll be amazing.”

It was a nightmare that Kira wanted desperately to erase. His body responded with ardor and passion to the deft touches of both men, his own desire spiking every time battle-roughened fingers brushed over his nipples or played with his cock, but inside his mind he was screaming to end the torment. He should never have agreed to this. He was cheap. He was a whore. He had become a mere plaything for Gin and he hated hating Gin for anything, and deep in his soul he could hear the hollow, mocking laughter of Wabisuke.

Even as his body adjusted completely to the two of them, Kira reached into his psyche and forced his mind to stop thinking. He had to stop, because if he kept on thinking _he would scream and not stop screaming until both of them had left him and he needed so much for this to be over, completely over so he could soak himself clean, erase all vestiges of this night-_

His hands braced on Gin's thin shoulders, his hips being forced to ride, Kira abruptly locked away all conscious thought and gave in to his basest desires and drowned in the sensations.

Every thrust the two captains made plunged Kira down further into the abyss of pure physicality, and he gasped for breath, helpless, mindless, and finally descended with a wail as his body shuddered and tightened into climax. His eyes squeezed shut, Kira heard his voice break and wondered, detachedly, if this would be the end to the experiment. It was for him; Aizen-taichou hadn't finished and was making love to Gin with a ferocity that fascinated Kira, but the blond was not registering much beyond the immediate stimulation by then.

He only remembered later the obscenely wet sounds of Gin and Aizen-taichou pulling out of him, the force with which the older captain taking Gin even as Kira was rolled onto his back to watch Gin being fucked, of the hot spill of Gin's come over his skin, the languidness of them all curling into a mess of limbs and stickiness and warm breaths.

He definitely registered how Gin regarded Aizen-taichou, and how they kissed before they fell asleep.

xxxxx

The next morning Kira followed his usual routine dully, and winced when he had to sit down. Thankfully, Gin accepted the lieutenant's reluctance to work in the office and sent him on a walking patrol and then on other errands. Though moving about was difficult, it was not as painful and Kira got some time to himself.

When it was sunset, he found himself back in the Fourth Division's greenhouses, his one refuge when he felt lost or confused, and walked in. Unohana-taichou wouldn't begrudge him a moment of serenity, he was certain, and he needed calm right now.

He was not expecting to see Renji in there with his senior, Madarame, who was apparently collecting some herbs from the greenhouse shinigami-in-charge. The redhead saw Kira and smiled broadly. Madarame merely glanced at the blond lieutenant before walking away, instructing Renji not to dawdle, and the shinigami-in-charge only jotted down Kira's name before she left for other duties.

“Kira! Are you all right?” Renji peered closely at his friend's face. “You're quite pale- Oh. Um. You have marks on your neck.” The redhead's face was almost as flushed as his hair.

Instantly Kira's hand flew to the side of his neck and remembered that he was marked by both the captains the night before, and suddenly everything he had done to please Gin crashed on him. He swayed, his mind whirling with a storm of emotion, and he vaguely wondered if he was even the same Kira that Abarai Renji had met and befriended. Kira's knees buckled and he sagged against the nearest wooden stand.

“Oh gods. What did I say? What happened, Izuru?” Renji grabbed hold of Kira. “You're white. Do you need help?”

“No. No. Renji, don't.” Kira held on to his friend.

His best friend.

His best friend who had never once tried to take advantage of him, had never professed anything more or less than the full sum of his affections for Kira.

Kira was abruptly overcome with shame and he pulled away from Renji's reassuring touch. “Gods, Renji. I’ve done something terrible. I’m something terrible.”

Worried, Renji sat Kira down on the nearest bench and he took a place beside Kira. His large hand patted Kira's smaller palm in faint, confused reassurance, and Kira tried to get his breathing under control.

“Do you... do you want to share with me?” asked the red-haired shinigami quietly.

“No.” Kira swallowed. “Wait. Yes. I-I-I have to. I have to tell someone, I must. N-not in detail. But I gotta tell someone. I have to. I’ll go mad if I don't.”

“Then I’ll listen.”

A surge of gratitude swamped Kira. No one had ever really been there for him like Renji, and he had pushed Renji's concern away before. He swallowed again, trying to clear his throat, and said in a low, pained voice, “Renji, I know you disapprove of me and Gin. And your concerns aren't... Well, there are reasons to be concerned.” Kira turned his hand palm up and gripped Renji's strong one. “But it's all okay. Or it was, until last night. Gods, Renji. I never thought-”

“What happened?”

“I caved. I caved, Renji, I let Gin pressure me into doing something I didn't, and now I can't even-” Kira choked on the bare thought. “I can't look myself in the eye, I can't even bear to _think_ of having allowed-”

Even though the words were trying to escape from Kira, the lieutenant held back but his grip was more than sufficient to convey his dismay. His other hand covered his mouth as nausea rose in him. Kira felt sick at having allowed another man to touch him that intimately, at having even asked Aizen-taichou to come and join them, at having been the one to ask the captain to fuck _him_.

“Renji, I don't know what I am anymore.” Kira whispered, eyes downcast, and he shivered. His right hand grasped his best friend's tightly and Renji let Kira hold onto that little bit of support.

Renji petted Kira's shoulder. “You're Kira Izuru. A good guy. My best friend. A strange man who has somewhat questionable taste in men but... You're _you_. And I'd trust you with my life,” said Renji quietly.

Kira looked up, grateful. He began, “Gin wanted... something that I wasn't comfortable with giving. And I-I let myself become... I don't recognize me anymore.”

Kira inhaled sharply and went on, emotions rushing to the surface and his composure cracking.

“Gods, I don't even know h-how I can- Renji, I can't think for myself anymore. I can't. Gin is all there is, and he is terrible and beautiful and glorious and frightening, and all I can think of is how much I love him and how much I hate him right now and I will _die_ for him, I swear, and I-I don't even know what I’m saying,” cried Kira, clinging on to his friend, and hoping that soon the world would stop spinning and that Gin would come and that everything would make sense again.

Unfortunately, all that happened was a tight, warm hug from Renji, who had no words of wisdom to offer but a lot of encouragement to give. He had no ideas, and Kira dared not be more specific, but his stolid presence and kind acceptance pushed Kira's emotional walls down.

Kira finally acknowledged the gaping loneliness that existed in loving a man such as his silver-haired, quick-tongued captain. No matter what he did or would do, he would still be no more than a pleasant way to spend a cold evening.

And yet Kira still loved Gin. He loved Gin to the brink of insanity and he hated himself for being so hopelessly, stupidly in love, yet he was. However, even he recognized that one day, eventually, he would be able to walk away from this destructive relationship.

His eyes were open now.

He would still fight for Gin, he would still die for Gin, but he would not forget how, on that one night when Kira demonstrated his full obedience and submission and love for his captain, Ichimaru Gin had eyes only for Aizen Sousuke.

 

 


End file.
